DAYCARE PARENTS DIVORCING - I Feel Like I Am In The Middle!

[MARSTELAC]

Good a.m. I have a family of two in my care. Parents are divorcing (have been for almost 2 years!!!). Kids go to one parent two days, the next two days, etc. It is SO confusing to all of us! Anyway, the dad checks up on the mom constantly (checks her cell records, sure he follows her around). Mom brought two sick kids this a.m. She just texted me last night and said they were fine and they would be here today. They were obviously not well. I could feel the heat radiating off the one kid. She left for work and called 20 minutes later (not to work yet) and asked how they were since she had given one some motrin earlier. I told her not well and she said she would be on her way back to get them. In the meantime, daycare dad has texted asking what the problem is. He has obviously already talked to her since he seemed to know. My question is, do I have to respond and if so, what do I tell him? He does this all the time and I have had it. Talks to her then texts or calls me to find out information. I do not want to be in the middle of this. I obviously need to get a backbone but it hasn't arrived yet

[missnikki]

Oh that's just AWFUL! I've been there, it truly drains the life out of you...

My advice- Do not respond. If he catches you off guard, tell the dad firmly when he prys for information that you are trying to watch children here, and you don't have time to talk. Just cut him off and act professional. When he starts up interrupt him with "I've gotta go- the kids need me." If he dosn't get the hint, tell him to make an appointment with you outside of business hours to discuss concerns. Be prepared to see it through, but it's better to have him sit down so you can tell him that you will not be put in that position anymore. Get back on here before your meeting and we'll all help you with that backbone!!

[Pammie]

Oh you shouldn't be forced to be put in the middle of their mess!!

This is where my personal rule of never answering the phone when it rings - or responding immediately to texts - during daycare hours has saved me!! I explain during initial interviews that I NEVER interrupt an activity with the children to answer the phone. So if a parent calls, they leave a message on my machine (which I can hear as they're recording)....or sends a text....I wait until the next meal or nap time or end of the day...to respond. After the second or third time of hearing me say, "Sorry I couldn't pick up the phone when you called, but I was covered in fingerpaint, "..or.."changing a diaper"..or "soothing tears"...my clients are very understanding about me not picking up their calls.

Now, I do explain that if it's a true emergency, just to keep talking on the machine, as my machine won't cut them off as long as they're talking - and I'll pick up as soon as possible:-)

[JJPlaycare]

What a horrible situation to be in! I guess I would just talk to the parent that is doing the dropping off and picking up and that parent can fill the other one in! Not your buisness, not your deal! You are to be caring for the children and not mediating between parents!! I would just tell the other parent not doing the dropping off or picking up that they will need to get all the information from the other parent because you are busy with the kids and you can't talk right now, or flat out don't answer the phone! :: If it persists, I would have a meeting with both parents present, but no children and express your concerns about being put in the middle and explain to them how you will be handling these type of situations in the future! This is a professional route to take and the right one too because the only job you have is regarding the children and you don't need to be getting into the middle of anything! They need to resolve their own issues without you being involved, if they aren't mature enough to communicate things amongst themselves regarding thier children that is their own problem and they will need to figure it out, you certainly don't need to get involved!

[laundryduchess@yahoo.com]

I would text back,.. busy now but I just spoke to mom she'll be able to update you faster than I can.

then he knows you got his text, know his concern, but are putting it off on mom because you are swamped and wont be able to get back with him right away.

[MARSTELAC]

Love all of your responses! I just texted him back and told him quite busy with kids today and talked to "mom" this a.m. and she'll be able to update you faster than me today.

[legomom922]

I went throught that. I told the parents upfront. Do not get me in the middle. If wife asks a question, I will answer. If the husband asks me a question, I will answer, that way they both know I will answer both of their questions honestly, and I will not be in the middle of this. Guess what? They now will not ask me questions! I dont care who pays as long as I get paid. I will not play the game with divorcing parents.

[DancingQueen]

I wouldn't play the game either. But if they are divorcing - they may very well both ask you the same exact question because often times divorced parents don't talk very much. As he is the father - I'd do what Legomom does. Agree to answer either of them the same and fairly. No go between but simply answer the questiosn specific to the child - NONE in regards to the other parent.

[AfterSchoolMom]

I would let them know that you don't respond to texts, period. I personally hate texting and I'm with some others here who feel that they have no place in a business relationship.

[MARSTELAC]

I'm baaackkk! So, I understand that they don't live together but I know for a fact they talk to each other EVERY day and multiple times a day. Today, something came up at daycare that I felt was important enough to put on a daily note home. One parent picked up, we discussed, no big deal. That parent stopped at the other parents house to pick up the overnight bag and told that parent about the note. 10 minutes after first parent left my house, second parents left me a voice mail (I was out running errands and didn't answer) needing a call back to discuss the note. Let me tell you, it was nothing serious, not behavioral, just a tidbit. SO, now both parents have discussed with each other and I already discussed with pick up parent. Do I need to call this other one back? I really need something in my contract about this but don't know how to word it! Any ideas?

[QualiTcare]

i don't know. that makes no sense. if you discussed it with parent A and then parent B calls wanting to talk to you, it sounds like parent B may not be getting all the information OR maybe parent B is genuinely concerned about his child and wants to talk to you.

when i was student teaching, my mentor teacher had to have 2 separate parent conferences with a child's parents. normally, the parents will **** it up and go together if they're both involved, but this time it wasn't the case. she even sent two report cards, sent two notes if something happened, etc. not doing so (and only talking to mom) would sort of be like relying on a friend of the father to tell the father that suzy acted up, or to tell the father suzy got 3 A's and 2 B's. it's unfortunate, but when people are divorcing/divorced - things get ugly and people act silly.

if the dad is active, i think he has every right to ask questions and get information just like the mom and shouldn't be expected to get it all second hand. if you make a note for mom, make a copy and address it to the dad. just treat it as though it's two separate kids with two separate children. if he starts asking questions about the mom, then there's a problem.

i dunno, i'm the odd one out i guess - but people are always partial to the mother and when a father is persistant, there's usually more to the story.

[Lilbutterflie]

I agree with QualiTcare on this one. What it sounds like to me is that Dad just doesn't trust Mom to give him the full story and he wants to get it firsthand. That, and maybe he wants to be just as involved with his child as she is. Both are fully understandable to me.

In instances where a note is being sent home, I would make two copies and talk to both. However, in instances where one is going home sick, I would only address the parent who is the caregiver for that day. In my opinion, it's mom's responsibility to let Dad know about the health status of their child, not the daycare provider.

[MARSTELAC]

Quali and Lil: I can understand both views you guys gave...my issue is that the kid switches between parents every 2 days. The dad is a lingerer both at drop off and pick up. He also contacts me every day via text to see how kids are and then calls constantly after I close to ask the most non-sensical questions....is that a word? my brain appears to be fried this a.m. even if I did make a copy of the notes each day for the other parent, I think I'd still get the calls from this guy. He has no real friends and his family lives far away. It is such a pain in the you know what to work all day then have to answer a call every stinking night about his child! (small vent?) and regarding copying the notes for the other parent, the mom always stops by HIS house and shows him the note on her way home (because she has to pick up the overnight bag). WAH!

[missnikki]

That sounds like a personality issue on the dad's part. I guess you just have to treat it like you would any parent who is clingy and chatty, with the added bonus of being out of the loop half of the time.
Is there any way you could offer to email him updates? Like reminders or incident reports- I know it would be a hassle but you could just tell him you will communicate to him regularly as needed for any updates, and that would 'help with the phone update problem'? (If you put it that way, he may realize that he's bugging you for small details and you are willing to work with him)
Just a thought.

[Blackcat31]

I wouldn't respond to his texts and I also wouldn't even bother answering the phone after hours. Just tel him that after hours is devoted to YOUR family and if he needs to tell you anything it can wait until he sees you next or he canleave a message. As far as the lingering at drop off/pick up...sounds like he is just feeling left out of the loop or bored even..although none of that is your problem.....maybe you could just put him on the spot and say something like, "Gee John, I've noticed you seem to be hanging back a bit at drop off lately...is there anything you need to ask me or discuss with me? I am only asking because I am terribly busy with the children and I hate to make drop-offs and pick-ups so lengthy so if you have something on your mind, please let me know." Maybe he will get the hint and drop and go.... I hate dealing with divorcing parents. The DCG I had that split the kid 50-50 were horrible. Dad would drop off DCG and take the girls jacket and when mom picked up she would have to bring another because no way was dad letting mom have a jacket HE paid for!!! Talk about bad parents!!