Need Advice. DD's Trouble Making Friends

[DaisyMamma]

7 yo. Tells me she doesn't play with anyone at recess. She says "everyone hates me." I was wondering if she was exaggerating but she had a friend over the other day and the friend asked her why she doesn't play with anybody at recess. Dd told her she would play with her the next day. They aren't in the same class, it rained and dd had indoor recess and said she played alone while they had recess in her classroom.
(Dd has plenty of friends. They come over and she goes to their house, etc. She gets invited to birthday parties, even the ones where only a few girls are invited.) From my perspective it sounds like all the girls are paired up and she might be like the odd girl out. I'm not sure exactly.
I'm not sure what to say to her to help her. She says she asks people to play with her and they don't. Of course there's more to it then that but I'm not there. I suggested maybe saying "do you want to play XXX game with me?" Or saying "what are you playing, it looks like fun, can I play too?
It breaks my heart. I thought you wonderful ladies would have some advice for me and dd.

[preschoolteacher]

I would bring it up to the teacher and ask her if she's observed this. The teacher might have some insight and help you learn how to better help your daughter. Your suggestions to her so far sounded good!

If the other kids have all paired up, one thing you might do is ask your daughter to think of one person she likes in her class and would like to know better. Then talk to that parent and try to arrange a play-date with that child. Sometimes just by having an outside-of-school experience with another child is enough to initiate a friendship. Your daughter might have more success making friends if she gets kids outside of the school setting where friendships are already set.

[cheerfuldom]

I would talk to the teacher first. I know its hard to hear but another possibility is that your daughter has mistreated someone and there is a reason why she is being excluded. in this case, maybe an apology and kind gesture would smooth things over.

[Willow]

My son struggled a bit with this when he first started school. You're right, it absolutely breaks your heart! Especially if they get upset about it frequently and seem to be making a genuine effort!

I talked to his teacher about it and she buddied him up with a couple of kids (he was great at math but not so much at reading so she chose other classmates who were doing better with reading and not so much with math). By having them work together and play off each others strengths they ALL opened up to each other so free play times like recess and projects where they needed to pair or group up went loads smoother.

Last year at winter conference time my daughter's teacher approached her (it was requested she come along) and asked if she'd be willing to help out another girl in her class that was struggling to make friends much the same. Teacher said she was very kind and always willing to help so she just knew she could help the girl out. Totally boosted her confidence and she took the request very seriously. A few weeks later the teacher emailed letting me know the other girl had just blossomed as a result. She was so proud of how much better the girl felt about school because of her efforts and I treated her to some well deserved I've cream.

Absolutely go to the teacher for their insight and advice, they know the group dynamics well and can really work wonders if they're notified you're concerned!

[Meyou]

Totally agree with talking to the teacher. One of my dcb's had trouble making friends in school and the teacher was very helpful with pairing him up and encouraging him to join groups. He has a couple of little buddies now and is a happy boy.

[daycarediva]

Talk to the teacher, your dd doesn't even have to know that you did.

My ds is kind, friendly, polite, got invited to all of the parties, but continually told me he didn't like school because he didn't have any friends, nobody would play with him. He was just 7/2nd grade. It turned out after emailing back and forth with the teacher that the group of boys in his class was very rowdy, and constantly making trouble. DS would NEVER be involved in that type of play. He is the kind of kid you just give the stink eye to, and he has to stop himself from crying, immediately corrects his behavior. I wish ALL kids were like him some days! The teacher said he was CHOSING to play alone, rather than play house/dress up with the girls at free play. Poor DS! The boys would pick on him for it, and call him the feminine form of his name. I almost cried when I read that!!!

She ended up setting up smaller groups, and making a rule that only 3 friends could play together at a time. She assigned them the first week, and then after that let them decide. DS NEVER went with the 'trouble making boy', and he has lots of friends to play with now.

[MsLaura529]

I agree, talk to the teacher. She might just be overwhelmed with more people there and not sure how to include herself when there are more kids involved?

It is heartbreaking to hear that though ... I kind of experienced that when DD started preschool. Every day when I picked her up I would ask her what they did, who she played with, etc, and for the first month, she would say "no one". It made me so sad to think my daughter was all alone in this class, not interacting with anyone. I mentioned it to the teacher, and she said "Oh, she's always playing with the other kids, a lot of them just don't know each others' names yet." Haha. I know that's not the case with your DD, though.

[MsLaura529]

Talk to the teacher, your dd doesn't even have to know that you did.

My ds is kind, friendly, polite, got invited to all of the parties, but continually told me he didn't like school because he didn't have any friends, nobody would play with him. He was just 7/2nd grade. It turned out after emailing back and forth with the teacher that the group of boys in his class was very rowdy, and constantly making trouble. DS would NEVER be involved in that type of play. He is the kind of kid you just give the stink eye to, and he has to stop himself from crying, immediately corrects his behavior. I wish ALL kids were like him some days! The teacher said he was CHOSING to play alone, rather than play house/dress up with the girls at free play. Poor DS! The boys would pick on him for it, and call him the feminine form of his name. I almost cried when I read that!!!
She ended up setting up smaller groups, and making a rule that only 3 friends could play together at a time. She assigned them the first week, and then after that let them decide. DS NEVER went with the 'trouble making boy', and he has lots of friends to play with now.

So sad Kids can be so mean!

[DaisyMamma]

I've been talking to the teacher about this since the beginning of school. She's not much help because she takes her break during recess.

[MsLaura529]

Is that what she told you? That's sad ... She should be able to take some time out of her breaks to take a peak out for a few minutes and observe what is going on.

[DaisyMamma]

Is that what she told you? That's sad ... She should be able to take some time out of her breaks to take a peak out for a few minutes and observe what is going on.

I know. I got the guidance counselor involved and she goes outside to observe and meets with dd.

[cheerfuldom]

I know. I got the guidance counselor involved and she goes outside to observe and meets with dd.

good for you! speak up. there should be someone there to assist with social issues, especially if they have a counselor on staff.

[CedarCreek]

I'm having the same problem.

My ds is too advanced for the kids in his class currently but too delayed for the kids in our neighbor hood. He had one friend but he moved.

It really does break your heart. His birthday is Friday and its going to be just us and his cousin because we have no one else to invite

[preschoolteacher]

Jeez, what a teacher. I would have to imagine the dynamics are present in the classroom, not just during recess. That's really too bad she won't help.

[cheerfuldom]

Jeez, what a teacher. I would have to imagine the dynamics are present in the classroom, not just during recess. That's really too bad she won't help.

I wouldnt be too hard on her. Teachers are seriously overworked and undersupported. They NEED that break. i would not want the person caring for my child to not have a break during the day.

Now if she was not addressing this at all, even in the classroom and if she was having an attitude about you even approaching her, that would be a problem for me.

I am curious why she did not offer up the idea of talking to the counselor before?