How Do You Deal With Lying?

[Leigh]

I have a 4.5 y.o. DCB who has emotional issues stemming from previous neglect. He's been a challenge from day 1. He lies. Constantly. Usually because he it trying to get someone else in trouble (absolutely no conscience because of attachment issues).

Today, I put him in a time out because of his lying (something I JUST started doing this week, after talking with his caregiver-this is what caregiver requested). He was throwing toys at his brother and I caught him and he blamed it on another kid who was in a different room. As soon as he went to the time-out, he started throwing things around the room. I've freaking had it with this one. I also discovered today that he has been PEEING on my living room carpet behind a chair (which explains why it is so hard to get him to use the toilet).

How you all deal with lying? Please don't suggest just terming, because it is not possible at this time (and it's not financial reasons-I simply CAN'T term this kid right now).

[Willow]

The answers to how one can address lying with a child, and how one can address lying with a child who has been traumatized and has resulting attachment issues are pretty different.

Most typical "punishments" don't work with a child who has attachment issues because they hinge on the premise that a child doesn't want to be away from the group. That they'll care that they've disappointed their caregiver. That they'll take that time to reflect and it will help them remember next time that there are unpleasant consequences for their actions.

A kiddo with attachment issues typically could care less what anyone thinks of them. Either having a conscience and needing acceptance is no longer able or relevant to them, or the feedback they have received thus far has been so inconsistent they have no way to predict which behaviors will get any response and to add to that, what any given response will be.



Sounds super counter productive, and borders on annoying when in a very frustrated moment, but the very best advice I've ever received in regards to consequences and teachable moments in kids that have been traumatized and have attachment issues is to simply ask them - "Do you need a hug right now?"

I had a child behaviorist suggest that to me once when consulting about a 3 year old who was extremely aggressive and my head nearly exploded. No joke, I laughed out loud and scoffed at the suggestion.....and then I tried it. No kidding the result shocked both me and the kiddo. He stopped what he was doing immediately, settled down, took the hug (long one, he held it super tight) and then he got quiet so I left him be. My head nearly exploded again when after his moment of contemplation he came up to me and APOLOGIZED, saying he'd try hard not to do it again. From there we made loads of progress as far as his behaviors went. Got to a point where when he was fixin to blow he'd come to ask me for a hug preemptively instead of acting out. He still had his moments but by the time he left my care nearly a year later he was by all accounts as "normal" a kid as any other.

I used the technique for all the other ones who came my way with attachment issues and I can't express enough how well it works.


As for the spot he's inappropriately using for the bathroom consider that bathrooms are often a hot spot for abuse. He may not feel entirely comfortable going there. If I were you I'd see if you can get him to share with you what about the bathroom bothers him. Let him know it's safe. That he can't keep going in the other spot because it's stinky and silly. Block off the area if you can and if you can't I'd do something like make up a picture with a sad face on it he can see when he goes there to use it inappropriately again. Maybe get him shadowing you until he gets in the new routine of going where he's supposed to.

[butterfly]

The answers to how one can address lying with a child, and how one can address lying with a child who has been traumatized and has resulting attachment issues are pretty different.

Most typical "punishments" don't work with a child who has attachment issues because they hinge on the premise that a child doesn't want to be away from the group. That they'll care that they've disappointed their caregiver. That they'll take that time to reflect and it will help them remember next time that there are unpleasant consequences for their actions.

A kiddo with attachment issues typically could care less what anyone thinks of them. Either having a conscience and needing acceptance is no longer able or relevant to them, or the feedback they have received thus far has been so inconsistent they have no way to predict which behaviors will get any response and to add to that, what any given response will be.



Sounds super counter productive, and borders on annoying when in a very frustrated moment, but the very best advice I've ever received in regards to consequences and teachable moments in kids that have been traumatized and have attachment issues is to simply ask them - "Do you need a hug right now?"

I had a child behaviorist suggest that to me once when consulting about a 3 year old who was extremely aggressive and my head nearly exploded. No joke, I laughed out loud and scoffed at the suggestion.....and then I tried it. No kidding the result shocked both me and the kiddo. He stopped what he was doing immediately, settled down, took the hug (long one, he held it super tight) and then he got quiet so I left him be. My head nearly exploded again when after his moment of contemplation he came up to me and APOLOGIZED, saying he'd try hard not to do it again. From there we made loads of progress as far as his behaviors went. Got to a point where when he was fixin to blow he'd come to ask me for a hug preemptively instead of acting out. He still had his moments but by the time he left my care nearly a year later he was by all accounts as "normal" a kid as any other.

I used the technique for all the other ones who came my way with attachment issues and I can't express enough how well it works.


As for the spot he's inappropriately using for the bathroom consider that bathrooms are often a hot spot for abuse. He may not feel entirely comfortable going there. If I were you I'd see if you can get him to share with you what about the bathroom bothers him. Let him know it's safe. That he can't keep going in the other spot because it's stinky and silly. Block off the area if you can and if you can't I'd do something like make up a picture with a sad face on it he can see when he goes there to use it inappropriately again. Maybe get him shadowing you until he gets in the new routine of going where he's supposed to.

This is really great advice! As a foster parent, I've seen this many times, but I was struggling to put into words what you so eloquently stated.