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Do you let kids say to each other, "I'm not your friend! HMPH!" every time they don't get their way with another child and then go off and pout with great frequency or do you intervene?
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I don't have that problem with the kids I have now, but when I had daycare many years ago, there was one girl who started that trend within my daycare.
Every single time she did not get her way, she would tell the other child she wasn't her friend any more. Other kids picked up on it...even though I did try to intervene...they would still do it secretly when I couldn't catch them.
To this day, that same girl who started it (she is 22 now and has a child of her own) continues to pull that same card in her relationship.
IF I were to have that issue again, I would definitely try to put a stop to it and try harder than I did back then...you live and you learn. I saw it many years ago, but didn't realize the long term consequences of it then. -
I only intervene if it escalates from that. If all they say is "I'm not your friend" and the other child isn't too bothered by it I let it go.Comment
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This is one of the things that makes you sad to hear kids saying to each other... but then again, you don't want to force kids to "be friends" either. I think I would say that we only use nice words with each other at daycare.Comment
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The "mean" one, in this case, gets told to go find something else to do if they don't want to be friends with the one they are bullying. They quickly decide that they want the friendship.Comment
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I don't let them say "I am not your friend". I allow them to say "I don't want to play with you right now. Preferably followed by a reason for why thy don't want to play with them".
I think that can also help a child who is playing obnoxiously to understand why no one wants to be his friend/play with him.Comment
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One of my big "rules" is that we don't have to be friends with everyone, but we do need to be KIND to everyone.
That said, I handle this the same way I would any aggressive behavior - the child gets an immediate TO/thinking time (I know, I'm a big meanie) and if they can't play nicely with others (meaning they have a history of the "I'm not your friend" or my favorite "you can't come to my birthday party!") they can play by themselves.
Mostly I find this behavior with 4 yo girls who are just learning the power of their words. What I do to try to prevent it is to give them other language to use when they are bothered by their peers "You can tell Sally that you don't like when she does that" or "Tell Tommy he is in your space." I praise them for using the "right" words to tell their friends they are upset/bothered and try to gently point out "see, when you told Henry he was in your space, he knew to back up! Good job!"
I wouldn't ignore it, because it does tend to catch on...Comment
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I have one DCB who does this. I started to intervene, but my other DCKs took matters in their own hands. They won't play with him when he does this. When he whines to me about it, I said, "You weren't very nice to them, maybe you should treat them nicer & see what happens."Comment
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I get that plus I also hear "you don't get to come to my birthday!"
I intervene and talk about hurt feelings when they do this (mostly girls BTW!)Comment
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I'd squash that drama like a bug....
"Oooh, well that's to bad, grumpers play alone and that's not very much fun!" (and then I'd engage bullied kiddo in something awesome, maybe going so far as to purposefully exclude the bully from if they turned around and tried to make nice again just so they could play too - "naw, you're not kiddos friend anymore so you don't want to play with her anymore....remember?").
Good lesson in the cause and effect and the power of our words.
I don't do bullying and manipulation here. Sounds harsh but the only way to cut that junk out with a child who has learned to hurt people with it and chooses that route often is to hand it right back.
When the light bulb comes on have a discussion about alternatives to the conflict and next time encourage kiddo to express what they're really feeling.....angry, frustrated, sad.....tell them they can come to you for help if they need it....."Miss J, friend K won't play what I want her to and it's making me angry, what do I do?" ("well, why don't you ask friend L if she'd like to play instead, or find another activity, offer a compromise - I'll play what you'd like friend K or L if after we're done we play what I want -, or tell them you'll engage in the activity with them). Give them the words to do it differently and the solution to resolve the conflict in the future so they realize there are other options besides lashing out.Comment
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It's actually my boys that are doing it and it's been happening for the past 2 weeks. I haven't intervened thus far because sometimes it's for good reason. However, the chronic sayer of it (age 4) is making my ears bleed by constantly pouting and saying it. The times are changing...Comment
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