NO Free Time Please......................

[daycare]

The only problem I see is teling her everyday about incidents.
I have never told a parent about trouble their kid has during the day.Once I have dealt with it it's over.Unless of course it's an everyday thing and the same thing over and over(hitting or biting)
If it's a serious offense and my solution doesn't seem to work THEN I have a discussion and we come up with a solution on how to work with the problem.If I see no change or no help fom a parent then they are put on a two week probation.After that,if nothing has changed they are terminated.
If you believe you have done everything and she isn't willing to get on the same page,it's time for him to go.
As far as the no free play,don't even discuss that with her.If he can't get along with other children he needs to be taught all over again,like a two year old how to play with his friends.
What exactly is he doing? Hitting? Taking toys? You will have to deal with each behavior and teach him what you want him to do,how to play.
Good luck!

hitting, spitting, taking toys, not listening to his friends words, invading others space, knocking over their towers, taking apart things friends are putting together. Every day its something different. I normally don't do an email home unless it happened several times in one day.....

[NeedaVaca]

If I had a DCP slam my door they wouldn't be here much longer! I wouldn't allow that in my house...I have to wonder if his behavior stems from seeing his mom act that way all the time? If he sees her angry, slamming doors, yelling...it's bound to rub off on him. His acting out could be a direct result of her behavior.

[daycare]

If I had a DCP slam my door they wouldn't be here much longer! I wouldn't allow that in my house...I have to wonder if his behavior stems from seeing his mom act that way all the time? If he sees her angry, slamming doors, yelling...it's bound to rub off on him. His acting out could be a direct result of her behavior.

I think I will have to agree with you on this....dcm and the grandma live together and they fight non-stop. I have told DCM this before....

ugh........I am so over this.............I need to fix this or its going to eat at me

[Unregistered]

hitting, spitting, taking toys, not listening to his friends words, invading others space, knocking over their towers, taking apart things friends are putting together. Every day its something different. I normally don't do an email home unless it happened several times in one day.....

Yes,he doesn't know how to properly play with his peers. Start all over with him. Have him sit on a rug with one toy at a time.Have him put that toy away when he's done and then get another.When he can follow that task, have him go play with the others.Let him know the rules."There will be no hitting,spitting,taking your friends toys.If you can't follow the rules you will have to sit back on your mat"
Then follow through.Allow him a lot of chances but as soon as he shows you he can't handle it,back to his rug.
One thing I have in my daycare that may help in this situation.
Each childen here has a rug,they may get a toy and either sit on their rug or at the table.When they are done they put the toy back on the shelf before they can get another one.I do allow more then one child to sit on a rug if they have asked their friend if they can join them.Sometimes the kids say yes,other times they say "No thank you,I want to play by myself"
It helps in this kind of situation where kids are knocking other's toys over while they are trying to play. Even my little ones know how to sit and play,we are still working on returning toys to the shelf but they get it very quickly.With that many kids in your are it might cut down on some problems.
As for his mom,she sounds rude.You need to let her know she can't act that way in your home.Sounds like he's learning alot from his mother's behavior.Time for a talk with her!

[Play Care]

Yes,he doesn't know how to properly play with his peers. Start all over with him. Have him sit on a rug with one toy at a time.Have him put that toy away when he's done and then get another.When he can follow that task, have him go play with the others.Let him know the rules."There will be no hitting,spitting,taking your friends toys.If you can't follow the rules you will have to sit back on your mat"
Then follow through.Allow him a lot of chances but as soon as he shows you he can't handle it,back to his rug.
One thing I have in my daycare that may help in this situation.
Each childen here has a rug,they may get a toy and either sit on their rug or at the table.When they are done they put the toy back on the shelf before they can get another one.I do allow more then one child to sit on a rug if they have asked their friend if they can join them.Sometimes the kids say yes,other times they say "No thank you,I want to play by myself"
It helps in this kind of situation where kids are knocking other's toys over while they are trying to play. Even my little ones know how to sit and play,we are still working on returning toys to the shelf but they get it very quickly.With that many kids in your are it might cut down on some problems.
As for his mom,she sounds rude.You need to let her know she can't act that way in your home.Sounds like he's learning alot from his mother's behavior.Time for a talk with her!

Great suggestions!
I have a young group right now and they can NOT handle "true" free play so we do something similar. The only time I allow free play is when I can be right in the middle of it, observing, encouraging, etc.
Not saying this is the case for the OP, but I think "free play" is another term that gets misused in child care. I'm good friends with a provider in my town and we arranged a "play date" one day. Walk to her house. Only to be APPALLED by what she considered "free" play. It was more like free for all... Meanwhile she was sitting drinking tea and noting my look of growing concern kept reassuring me "Oh, it's just free play!" I like her a lot and she has a lot of great ideas, but man oh man! We didn't stay long!
I also never told her but a couple of years ago I got one of her PT clients because mom was tired of all the "wrestling" that went on at this providers home (aka "Free play" )

[My3cents]

all of my teaching are learn through play, excluding my pre-kinder program. I am a in-home preschool. So this is what I do.

I love what I do and so far this is the only child that I have that CANT function during free play and I guess this would make it the first time that a parent has asked such a crazy request.

I am more for a balance of both. This kid seems to be screaming he wants more to do- let him have at it. Maybe have a box of stuff just for him to play with that is on a higher level then the rest of his group. Take it out here and there for him. I would hear the parent, but when the child is in your care I feel you know what is best for the child and the group as a whole. Do what works for you. If she is adamant about his day being structured then maybe your program is not the best for him and I would explain that to her. Good luck-

[My3cents]

I agree with what you guys are saying.. I am such a firm believer in learn through play. But we still set a lesson 3 days a week.

What do I tell this parent? She thinks he does not need free play and I have no clue what to tell her...

Oh and by the way she is a child psychologist, who Knows EVERYTHING.....in my eyes she is like the bad dentist. You know the dentist who knows it all but has cavities.....

ey ey eyyyyy....... your up the creek with out the paddle. I would tell her that your program is not set up that way and that you believe in free play and why and you do offer both. Yikes.... sounds like you don't stand a chance with this one. At least try~

[My3cents]

Oh no! I thought maybe giving her some information on play-based learning would help out, but if she's in this profession, then she really should know. she might have a different opinion on style of learning, and that is ok. If she is successful then she might look at what got her to where she is and feel that is what she wants for her son. She might be smart enough to say that the books are not the one and only way of doing things, as each child is unique and different in how they learn and thrive. I am not knocking free play, but I think keeping your kids active in different things and engaged is not bad either. She may know is my point but have a different view as to what she wants for her child.

Can you try to explain that by cutting out free time for her son that he will not be able to learn how to play well and behave during free time? If a child couldn't learn to tie his shoes, you wouldn't just take away all shoes with laces and have him wearing Velrco until he's 13--ya know what I mean?

the velcro thing........if it was hip and cool to be in velcro at all ages......heck ya.... Why not make life easier for everyone. tee hee..... I just had too

[My3cents]

You say most of the time what he did during free play warrants a talk with the parents. I tend to not tell parents what happens at daycare unless it is really something serious. A kind of "What happens at daycare stays at daycare." I do this because I don't want the parents asking for things like this parent is asking of you. Also, I met a teacher once whose own child had problems at school that she was trying to figure out and working on what was going on with him. She said it was sooo depressing to show up at school and hear something bad every day. Not saying that is going on at your house but that is what your comment made me think of. I'd rather handle it my way in daycare and she can handle it her way at home (cause she is going to anyway )I like what your saying here and agree but how do address the parent at pick up after a day of pure he** with a child? Can you go into this more-

Just on an off chance but do you think he is hearing okay? You mentioned he doesn't listen to the other children's words. Are you sure he is hearing them okay? Just a thought. When my son was in kindergarten the teacher said he wasn't listening and he needed tubes in his ears back then. The doctor said he wasn't hearing the teacher as he had almost no hearing in one ear.

Laurel

I replied above.....

[Heidi]

I would do all free play all the time. He is begging you to leave him be. He doesn't need any help with adult generated activity success. He is gifted in that. He needs “no adult" so he can build that part of his brain.

GO
PLAY
TOYS

I haven't met a kid who didn't want an adult to service their minute to minute. You have just run into one who is slick enough to make it happen.

He's good. Real good. :-)

[Heidi]

I agree with what you guys are saying.. I am such a firm believer in learn through play. But we still set a lesson 3 days a week.

What do I tell this parent? She thinks he does not need free play and I have no clue what to tell her...

Oh and by the way she is a child psychologist, who Knows EVERYTHING.....in my eyes she is like the bad dentist. You know the dentist who knows it all but has cavities.....

Try this:

http://www.naeyc.org/play

[My3cents]

I am going to answer the last few replies all here and I don't really know how to quote each one of you..

First off my ages are:


1 child- 18 months
2- 2 year old
4- 3 year old
3- 4 year old
3- 5 year old

So he has plenty of kids in his age group to play with. He is 4 and a very young 4 at that.



The letter idea sounds great. But do you really think that at age 4 that he would make that connection with the letter? It sounds like an amazing idea. I am just wondering if he will undertand it.

My next question would be how do I NOT tell the parents when he hit someone or hurt someone? I would not let these opportunities for this to happen to someone take place anymore, giving him his own space whatever it takes. I honestly think that the parents need to know when their child is doing this. If I always make everything sunshine and rainbows, then if I ever have to term for his behavior I won't have those emails of the unwanted behavior...I agree with you here too, but I also agree with if it is always negative, the negative becomes the norm. I am looking for ideas and solutions too here. I have one and Mom ask how his day was and most days it is not good and I am not good at saying it was ok when it was not.

ONe thing that myself and my assistants have noticed is that no matter what we say to this DCM, she is always in a pissy mood. Address this to her....say to her hey Mom, I have noticed that you don't seem to be in a good mood when you come to pick up little one. Is everything ok? Just addressing it to her might be enough for her to see this and change herself, if it nothing related with you.Just yesterday she got mad and slammed my front door. No, this would not be happening. call her out on this. Mom you can be upset but slamming my door is not going to be tolerated here. Please don't do this again. I do send home emails to her of good news. JUst seems the bad out weights the good. I am looking for ideas on how to handle this too that work. I don't want to be a negative Nelly but sometimes it is reality of how this child's day went. I have more then one of these.

When I write an email home to tell dcm that he hit someone or something to that degree I never forget to leave out the positive things he did as well. BUt DCM will always focus on the bad and get angered at me.I would not allow her to get angry at me. Your not the problem, your trying to be the solution and remind her of this.

I doubt myself A LOT.........just when I think I am doing good, something happens and makes me feel insecure. your not alone I think many of us do this from time to time. Be ok with your policies and what your willing and not willing to put up with. You will be respected more. I feel like I am in a boat in a stream with no paddles....... Hope there are not any more alligator moms in this stream................

I just wrote this that you sound like your in a boat with no paddles.... I am seeing that your confidence in your program to this Mom who clearly intimidates you and <sorry but rightfully> so needs to be brought up to a higher level.

good luck, look forward to reading more as I struggle with this from time to time myself with a couple of my kids.

[Laurel]

If I had a DCP slam my door they wouldn't be here much longer! I wouldn't allow that in my house...I have to wonder if his behavior stems from seeing his mom act that way all the time? If he sees her angry, slamming doors, yelling...it's bound to rub off on him. His acting out could be a direct result of her behavior.

Good observation. I didn't think of that.

Laurel

[Laurel]

Yes,he doesn't know how to properly play with his peers. Start all over with him. Have him sit on a rug with one toy at a time.Have him put that toy away when he's done and then get another.When he can follow that task, have him go play with the others.Let him know the rules."There will be no hitting,spitting,taking your friends toys.If you can't follow the rules you will have to sit back on your mat"
Then follow through.Allow him a lot of chances but as soon as he shows you he can't handle it,back to his rug.
One thing I have in my daycare that may help in this situation.
Each childen here has a rug,they may get a toy and either sit on their rug or at the table.When they are done they put the toy back on the shelf before they can get another one.I do allow more then one child to sit on a rug if they have asked their friend if they can join them.Sometimes the kids say yes,other times they say "No thank you,I want to play by myself"
It helps in this kind of situation where kids are knocking other's toys over while they are trying to play. Even my little ones know how to sit and play,we are still working on returning toys to the shelf but they get it very quickly.With that many kids in your are it might cut down on some problems.
As for his mom,she sounds rude.You need to let her know she can't act that way in your home.Sounds like he's learning alot from his mother's behavior.Time for a talk with her!

That's exactly how we did it when I worked in a Montessori preschool. They could take their work to a table or a mat and had the option of telling someone to join them or say no thank you.

Laurel

[Laurel]

I replied above.....

Well most of the time I just do like I do with the others. I just say goodbye and see you tomorrow and smile at mom or dad. Then close the door and do a silent thumbs up cause they're out the door and go complain to my husband or grown children about what a rough time I had.

If it has been particularly bad and mom or dad know I am working on some behavior or the other I might say "Whew not so great today but we're working on it." Then change the subject unless they ask for specifics.

Laurel

Edited to add: I re-read your above post and realized the parent must ask you every day. I try to discourage parents asking me how they did today...every..single...day. I just say the above and change the subject. I think by changing the subject they tend not to ask every day. They know if something is WAY out of line, I'll tell them. Other than that, I think changing the subject after a brief statement gets the point across that I don't want to make pick up time a daily complaint session. Also I talk in person. I don't do email. Just old fashioned I guess.