Child Being Made The Class Joke

[PitterPatter]

Hello everyone, long time no see I guess u could say. I lurk once in a while but haven't really had any big problems that I needed help with until now. So here I am asking for some assistance from anyone who may have encountered this problem with your own child or even a daycare child.

Some background, as you may know my son is 11 and is an only child. No father figure in his life just me and my Mom. I have raised him under a very overprotective wing I admit but, he has ADHD and ODD and is immature for his age. He isn't careful about the streets and such so I don't let him just take off with friends. This may be part of the problem. I recently allowed him to get a Facebook because all of his friends/classmates have it and since I don't allow him to roam all over town like most do I thought this would at least help his social life. Well I just logged into his account as I do on occasion to check up on him and what he encounters. He never posts much, maybe a lego video once a week or so and no replies on anyones status either.. However I see a couple comments back and forth on his friends pages that I don't like. One being a girl saying to thero mutual friend she is so nice because she even sticks up for "my son". What the heck is that supposed to mean? Even like he isn't worth sticking up for? The other post was from girl #2 saying she is admitting she is in love with "my son" it goes on and you can tell someone posted it to tease her. OK so now it's funny is someone might actually like my son so they make a joke of him? I look further and notice the classmates talk among each others posts and no one really says anything to my son. Yet they enter his name so that he is tagged in their conversations. I get the feeling he is an outcast. I feel so bad now because I stuggled socially all my life because I was overweight even wanted to drop out of school but I thought my kid had a chance because he is good looking and thin, maybe a little too thin but not enough to be an outcast kwim? I just don't want him to suffer from the social anxiety that I did. Anyway he seems to be oblivious to this for now at least. Like I said he's a little immature for his age so maybe that's why. He doesn't hang out with others much and get that whole 'make fun of someone' issue. He has a couple friends that come over once in a while and that's it.

To answer some possible questions anyone may be thinking of... I have tried to find kids that aren't trouble makers or that have responsible parents that he could hang out with but around here parents like to party, most are a lot younger than I am. I had my child later, when I was 28, (40 now) everyone else seems to have been a teen or early 20's and they aren't done with the party life I guess so I don't allow my son to go to their homes while they are drinking all day. It's also for this reason I too lack many friends these days. I stopped going out and such before my son was even born.

One of his classmates told me the kids call my son a nerd. He isn't an honor roll student but he does ok. Probably a B average. So I don't get it. I want to put a stop to this before he starts middle school next year with new kids he has never met. He may have a chance at some new friendships but not if this crap is going on behind his back. If these are his friends I don't want to meet an enemy.

I feel like telling him to go play and take off with the pack of kids just so he won't suffer and he will fit in but some of the kids (especially the boys) are rough and get into trouble, cuss adults, damage property, stay out late sometimes 11pm I see them flying down the street on bikes. I do NOT want that for my son! So what do I do? Please help. Any advise is welcomed. Thank you!

[melilley]

Awww my heart goes out to you! :hug: As a parent, it's so hard to see/hear things about your own child! My daughter once got hit and kicked on the bus and I cried my eyes out! Kids can be so mean and cruel! This is such a hard subject. You want your kid(s) to fit in, but that's not always the case. In life there are always going to be bully's, nerds, the popular kids, etc...but as a parent there isn't anything we can do to "make" our kids the one who is liked and it ****s! I always teach my daughter to be nice and respectful of others and so far (she's 10) she does, as far as I know, but other parents may not do the same and that's a shame and it's sad. You mentioned that your son thinks those kids are his friends.
You mentioned that you have looked for kids parents who are responsible and can't find any or the kids are trouble makers. Does your son like any sports? Maybe he could play a sport and make some good friends that way or if he doesn't like sports, is there some kind of club or something that he could join?
Could you explain to him what kind of "friends" these kids really are? I would just hate to see him think that they are real friends and him talk or hang out with him just for them to say things about him. You said he's a little immature for his age so he probably doesn't realize what they say-he's the innocent in all of it.
I'm sorry, I don't have any real good advice for you, but it breaks my heart to see how children can treat each other, it's so senseless!

[lolaland]

My daughter is only 7 but I can understand the pain you are feeling... I notice that she also is a bit more immature than most of the kids of her age and I worry that with time this will become a problem since kids tend to become very judgmental of others when they get older.

We mothers can't control how others behave towards our kids in school but we can “control” how our kids perceive that criticism.

Make COMUNICATION part of your daily routine with your son!!

Everyday when kissing good night, me and my daughter share “the worst part of our day” and “the best part of our day”... We try to make a honest interpretation of those events and the feelings they caused... I help her understand that how others behave towards her are a representation of who they are and not who my daughter is. Example - A girl punched her and my daughter thinks “I'm a looser”. I explain, “The girl's punch does not mean you're a looser!! The girl's punch means: She is an angry girl that wants to win all the time and never learned to control her frustration and to respect others. I would be very ashamed of her behavior is she was my daughter... but I am very proud of your behavior.” Other times I provide techniques to avoid a situation or to make it work in her favor... or I share “the same thing happened to me when I was your age” and I describe in detail the event and my emotions at the time and how with time things evolved...

We do this everyday and I can't imagine the pain some events would have caused if she did not have my input walking her trough those emotions.

[melilley]

My daughter is only 7 but I can understand the pain you are feeling... I notice that she also is a bit more mature than most of the kids of her age and I worry that with time this will become a problem since kids tend to become very judgmental of others when they get older.

We mothers can't control how others behave towards our kids in school but we can “control” how our kids perceive that criticism.

Make COMUNICATION part of your daily routine with your son!!

Everyday when kissing good night, me and my daughter share “the worst part of our day” and “the best part of our day”... We try to make a honest interpretation of those events and the feelings they caused... I help her understand that how others behave towards her are a representation of who they are and not who my daughter is. Example - A girl punched her and my daughter thinks “I'm a looser”. I explain, “The girl's punch does not mean you're a looser!! The girl's punch means: She is an angry girl that wants to win all the time and never learned to control her frustration and to respect others. I would be very ashamed of her behavior is she was my daughter... but I am very proud of your behavior.” Other times I provide techniques to avoid a situation or to make it work in her favor... or I share “the same thing happened to me when I was your age” and I describe in detail the event and my emotions at the time and how with time things evolved...

We do this everyday and I can't imagine the pain some events would have caused if she did not have my input walking her trough those emotions.

Great advice! I'm going to start doing this with my daughter! She hasn't had any problems except for the kicking and hitting on the bus, but if something did happen, this would be a great gateway for her to bring something up! I also like how you take an experience that you have had and how you felt and tell her about it. Plus OP said her son seems oblivious to what the "friends" are saying, maybe he knows, but won't say. This would be a good way to see if there is something bothering him.

[jen]

Does your son participate in any extra-curriculars? Sports? Band? That is an excellent way of meeting like minded friends. Hugs, I think we all worry about our kids and fitting in.

[Starburst]

Maybe see if your area has a local "Parents helping parents" support group, or something like that. It's an organization for families of special needs kids (one of there biggest support groups are ADHD and autism), we had some guest speakers in my "children with special needs" class and they say that all the moms in the group become your best friends because they understand everything you go through, one guest speaker said some of the moms she met in the group became bridesmaids at her wedding/vowel renewal. I'm not sure if it's just in California (not sure where your from) but there may be something near you.

http://www.php.com/

I got teased (and beaten up) a lot when I was in school (I lived in a party/gang town too) but I get people who used to make fun of me in school (it mostly stopped around high school) that find me on Facebook years later and apologizing for their behavior. Kids sometimes just pick on others to feel accepted by others. He should never have to feel bad because he's doing well in school. Those kids probably just feel dumb because they aren't doing well in school so they try to take him down a notch by making a good thing into a bad thing.

And just remember being a nerd isn't always a bad thing, lots of famous people were nerds in childhood; like Steven Spielberg, Steven Hawking, Steve Jobs, and Bill Gates. Todays nerds can become tomorrows millionaires (even billionaires).

It's good that he has a few good friends, not everyone has to have 20 best friends that are at their house 24/7. In JHS and high school I had what I refer to as "floating friends", People I saw around school but rarely saw out of school. I never really had a "Clique" or anything but I got a big variety of friends who belonged to different types of "Clique" groups: Scenes/ Emos, Punks/Rockers, Athletes (but not cheerleaders), Hip-hoppers, Thespians, Anime Fanatics, Special Eds, Gays, Christians, Wiccans, and average kids who didn't fit into any groups either. Don't push him to socialize if he's not ready, it will happen when he's ready- I didn't really have friends until middle school, sometimes starting a new school helps them get a fresh start.

[Willow]

Is he in any after school extracurricular activities like sports or clubs?

Since you really can't control what others say if I were in your shoes I'd do everything I could to bolster his self esteem. Mean people will never go away. Toddlers can pick little fights, at elementary school there is the playground, high school there will always be perceived social ranks and in adulthood there are always coworkers, in laws, heck even in our own families people can go too far.

The more he gets out, the more people he meets and more experiences he has the more he'll become equipped to handle those tough encounters in life.

As moms it's easy to fall into the line of thinking that we can and should always be able to protect them. That's just not realistic no matter how bad the reality might feel.

Ask him if he understands the difference between a good kind relationship and a toxic one. Teach him how to discern and give him the tools to respond accordingly.

Guide him, but don't do it all for him. At 12 give him a bit of credit before assuming he feels like a victim. Boost him up by telling him that he deserves to be treated well.


If you don't think he has those capabilities on some level I'd probably pull the facebook until he does. It can be an incredibly negative media and it's possible he may not be ready to deal with all it entails.

[TheGoodLife]

Hello everyone, long time no see I guess u could say. I lurk once in a while but haven't really had any big problems that I needed help with until now. So here I am asking for some assistance from anyone who may have encountered this problem with your own child or even a daycare child.

Some background, as you may know my son is 11 and is an only child. No father figure in his life just me and my Mom. I have raised him under a very overprotective wing I admit but, he has ADHD and ODD and is immature for his age. He isn't careful about the streets and such so I don't let him just take off with friends. This may be part of the problem. I recently allowed him to get a Facebook because all of his friends/classmates have it and since I don't allow him to roam all over town like most do I thought this would at least help his social life. Well I just logged into his account as I do on occasion to check up on him and what he encounters. He never posts much, maybe a lego video once a week or so and no replies on anyones status either.. However I see a couple comments back and forth on his friends pages that I don't like. One being a girl saying to thero mutual friend she is so nice because she even sticks up for "my son". What the heck is that supposed to mean? Even like he isn't worth sticking up for? The other post was from girl #2 saying she is admitting she is in love with "my son" it goes on and you can tell someone posted it to tease her. OK so now it's funny is someone might actually like my son so they make a joke of him? I look further and notice the classmates talk among each others posts and no one really says anything to my son. Yet they enter his name so that he is tagged in their conversations. I get the feeling he is an outcast. I feel so bad now because I stuggled socially all my life because I was overweight even wanted to drop out of school but I thought my kid had a chance because he is good looking and thin, maybe a little too thin but not enough to be an outcast kwim? I just don't want him to suffer from the social anxiety that I did. Anyway he seems to be oblivious to this for now at least. Like I said he's a little immature for his age so maybe that's why. He doesn't hang out with others much and get that whole 'make fun of someone' issue. He has a couple friends that come over once in a while and that's it.

To answer some possible questions anyone may be thinking of... I have tried to find kids that aren't trouble makers or that have responsible parents that he could hang out with but around here parents like to party, most are a lot younger than I am. I had my child later, when I was 28, (40 now) everyone else seems to have been a teen or early 20's and they aren't done with the party life I guess so I don't allow my son to go to their homes while they are drinking all day. It's also for this reason I too lack many friends these days. I stopped going out and such before my son was even born.

One of his classmates told me the kids call my son a nerd. He isn't an honor roll student but he does ok. Probably a B average. So I don't get it. I want to put a stop to this before he starts middle school next year with new kids he has never met. He may have a chance at some new friendships but not if this crap is going on behind his back. If these are his friends I don't want to meet an enemy.

I feel like telling him to go play and take off with the pack of kids just so he won't suffer and he will fit in but some of the kids (especially the boys) are rough and get into trouble, cuss adults, damage property, stay out late sometimes 11pm I see them flying down the street on bikes. I do NOT want that for my son! So what do I do? Please help. Any advise is welcomed. Thank you!

:hug: I have no advice, unfortunately, but I know how you feel (I was PAINFULLY shy growing up and now I see my young ones being shy and it kills me!). I pray that everything is positive for your son and that he has a happy and healthy childhood and adolescence. Foster any hobbies he may find interest in, maybe try to encourage having his friends to your house and finding fun things for them to do together?
Being a parent is so difficult sometimes, especially when you feel like you can't help your child!! Good luck, I'm sure there will be a lot of great advice from the wonderful women (and men) here on the forum!

[countrymom]

my ds (10) is a good kid. Well mannered, computer junky. He doesn't have many friends because most of them are into hockey. And he's not. He's a kid that girls like because he's so darn nice. He also gets upset easily, but as one mom said, he wears his heart on a string.

I too don't allow my kids to hang out with other kids, we live in the country so I have to drive them, but I'm picky on who they hang out with. Now a days, I see some of the kids and think "where are their parents", my sister sees the same thing. Five year olds roaming the streets the minute they come home from school, its crazy.

I don't know about the school, ask your ds. If its not bothering him, then don't worry too much (I was too worried because ds really has no friends either)
But my ds does have friends at his activities. which I'm so happy. And he gets along great with them

You should sign him up for scouts, my ds loves it but he hangs out with other boys and its a good program. This week they are going fishing and next week canoeing. He also is in the swimming program, and soccer started last week. My ds has done golf lessons, gymnastics and right now he's in dance (takes hip hop) but thats because his sisters dance. Oh, his favorite activity is cooking class. Lucky for the girl that marries him, he can dance and cook.

I was afraid that he wouldn't make any friends, but because he's involved in activites, he has no problems. He acually gets along great with alot of kids. Just the kids at school are mean, but what can you do.

so sign him up for things, trust me its so worth it.

[itlw8]

I thought you needed to be 13 to be on facebook ????? I would cancel the account he does not use it and it is a source of the problem

My ds is ADD and had few friends but all you need is one you do not need to be popular. For him getting involved with Boy Scouts was the thing for him. We had an active troop with great leadership.

Your ds does not need to be out causing trouble but you do need to loosen those apron strings some. You are setting him up for trouble. He can have some freedom and learn to make good choices

[Kaddidle Care]

The first thing I would do is eliminate the Facebook account. My son is nearly 12 and he doesn't have one. I have a nephew who is 13 who does and he is careless about what he posts (making it public for all to view) Facebook is just another outlet for mean kids. I tend to be overprotective too and you know what? It means we CARE.

The above poster mentioned Boy Scouts - YES! Also Church Youth Group. Try to find a Scout Troop that is on the smaller size, hopefully close to your home. A lot of Churches sponsor Scout Troops so start with your own Church if you have one. If you don't have a Church home, I suggest you find one - but you don't have to be a Church member to join a Scout Troop.

My oldest is very much the child that you have - he is a loner, socially awkward and really only developed a friendship with 1 friend in High School. I always encouraged him to try to find at least a couple more friends as it sort of puts too much pressure on the one friend if you get my gist. He never really did.

As your son matures things will get better but being ADHD (typically immature) it's going to be a bumpy ride. Hang in there.

[lolaland]

Plus OP said her son seems oblivious to what the "friends" are saying, maybe he knows, but won't say. This would be a good way to see if there is something bothering him.

Because of my daycare long hours I could never drop off/pick up my daughter at school and therefor I had no relationship with the other school parents/staff... one night at Walmart with my daughter I was approached by another parent that recognized my daughter. She introduced herself and told me that in the previous year she found my daughter being violently punched several times by another girl while trapped in a dark corner in a hall of the school. She continued explaining my daughter had done nothing and was not reacting to the punches and only crying. This mother talked with my daughter's teacher informing of this incident.

I was devastated by this information and right there in a Walmart isle I realized my daughter was severely bullied, she said nothing to me or to her teacher, I was not informed by the school about this incident...

...I realized that I was wrong assuming that my good relationship with my daughter would make her take the initiative of coming to me if something bad happened to her!

This is when I started the bed time routine explained in my previous post.

[MyAngels]

Is he in any after school extracurricular activities like sports or clubs?

Since you really can't control what others say if I were in your shoes I'd do everything I could to bolster his self esteem. Mean people will never go away. Toddlers can pick little fights, at elementary school there is the playground, high school there will always be perceived social ranks and in adulthood there are always coworkers, in laws, heck even in our own families people can go too far.

The more he gets out, the more people he meets and more experiences he has the more he'll become equipped to handle those tough encounters in life.

As moms it's easy to fall into the line of thinking that we can and should always be able to protect them. That's just not realistic no matter how bad the reality might feel.

Ask him if he understands the difference between a good kind relationship and a toxic one. Teach him how to discern and give him the tools to respond accordingly.

Guide him, but don't do it all for him. At 12 give him a bit of credit before assuming he feels like a victim. Boost him up by telling him that he deserves to be treated well.


If you don't think he has those capabilities on some level I'd probably pull the facebook until he does. It can be an incredibly negative media and it's possible he may not be ready to deal with all it entails.

So much good advice here, and this jumps out at me especially. I've raised three great kids with three very different personalities, and this is what we did for all three, so it does work.

You'll never be able to control what others do, you can only help him to develop the tools he'll need to deal with all kinds of situations.

[NeedaVaca]

You have been given a lot of really good advice I want to just chime in to say absolutely get rid of facebook! He is too young, if he enjoys posting his lego video's then set up a youtube account. You can make it private to only family and his real friends.

Are there any lego robotics programs in your area? I would get him involved in activities he enjoys, if he is into videos or even taking pictures maybe you can get him into something like that at his school? School Newspaper or any media clubs?

[PitterPatter]

Thank so much to everyone for the great advice. To answer some questions, yes we have tried sports and scouts. We should have went earlier but he never had an interest and I don't force any extra activities on him so by the time he took an interest friendships were already formed. Also some of the kids from school are in the scouts/sports and he was teased because he wasn't as good as the rest of them. When it was his turn to bat for instance, they would all moan and say oh no he's up, that's it we lost now etc... He isn't good at sports at all and therefor doesn't have much of an interest. His ADHD meds took a while to get right too. He was either moping around or if I didn't medicate him he was silly bouncing off walls. I have tried a couple instruments and it's fine for the 1st month or so but then he loses interest. I think he wants them to just be included in something.

We have always had a little routine after school where he sits on my lap (well these days beside me ) and I ask how his day was and what the best part was. I never bothered to ask what the worst part was, I think I will start asking as one of you suggested. We have a bedtime routine but it's kinda falling apart as he's not as interested as he used to be. He's growing up and I am just tagging along trying my best to stay involved.

I really hope the new Middle school will open some new doors for him socially. I do plan on letting loose the apron strings. I have been wanting to for some time but just need the right environment. I only have 1 child, he's all I will ever have so I take extra special care of him

I have been very fortunate to be able to take him to and from school as it's in walking distance so we share that time every morning. After school we do have the daycare kids with us but at least I am still able to be there for him. He even held my hand up until a couple years ago. Most of the kids in our neighborhood have been walking to and from school alone since 1st grade or so! I don't know how something hasn't happened to them. I often take my pack to the playground after school lets out and lots of kids go there instead of checking in at home.

I have taken some mental notes here and will be making some adjustments. I just wish growing up wasn't this hard for kids. I know it's only going to get worse. The high school has been on lock down at least few times this year that I know of for in school violence. Then the kids go on you tube and post the videos of the fights/beatings that seems to take forever for a teacher to get to. It's a crazy world! Anyway Thank you all for your time and advice! very much appreciated! lovethis