The Loner Child...

[caligirl]

I think it's a pier thing.... If I am standing far away, like across the room, he's standing there, doing nothing but watching.....he would do this for hours, inside or outside...now, as SOON as I go close to him, or where he is, he comes over to me and starts chatting....he will answer me, hand me toys etc.....but if another child approaches him, he gets quiet, he won't speak TO them but he will repeat over and over what he hears them say....and he won't play with them at all, but he WILL play with me

[craftymissbeth]

I think it's a pier thing.... If I am standing far away, like across the room, he's standing there, doing nothing but watching.....he would do this for hours, inside or outside...now, as SOON as I go close to him, or where he is, he comes over to me and starts chatting....he will answer me, hand me toys etc.....but if another child approaches him, he gets quiet, he won't speak TO them but he will repeat over and over what he hears them say....and he won't play with them at all, but he WILL play with me

I always felt more at ease with adults rather than other children, also.

[craftymissbeth]

Actually it's the opposite now. I don't feel comfortable with other adults... which is why I'm in the childcare field

[Blackcat31]

My DS was/is exactly like that. His older sister was a social butterfly and loved being in large groups and being the center of everything going on.

My DS preferred adults verses kids his age (and still does as a young adult).

He HATES large groups of people and would much rather observe than participate.

It bothered me forever that he wasn't as socially active as his sister.....until I realized one day that being social was what I wanted for him, not what HE wanted.

I think your best plan of action is to do what you said and invite him to join and leave him alone if he declines.

[Heidi]

I think it's a pier thing.... If I am standing far away, like across the room, he's standing there, doing nothing but watching.....he would do this for hours, inside or outside...now, as SOON as I go close to him, or where he is, he comes over to me and starts chatting....he will answer me, hand me toys etc.....but if another child approaches him, he gets quiet, he won't speak TO them but he will repeat over and over what he hears them say....and he won't play with them at all, but he WILL play with me

Is there another child in the group that could be encouraged to take him under his wing? Not all the time, but some one-on-one a few days a week?

[AmyLeigh]

My 3 yo dcg has the same kind of personality. I just let her choose if and when she wants to participate. If she wants to join in, it's usually just a minute or two of observing then she asks if she can play. I always allow her to have some time playing by herself. After a few minutes of alone time, I will talk to her about what she is playing, then ask if it is okay if "so-and-so" plays, too. That gets an enthusiastic "Yes!" from her. Much easier on everybody.

[caligirl]

Is there another child in the group that could be encouraged to take him under his wing? Not all the time, but some one-on-one a few days a week?

Yes there is, but that actually bothers him more when they try to include him. He really only wants to interact with me. He is a little parrot and will pick up on one thing they say and repeat it over and over and over a million times to himself, not too loud, he's very quiet, but he will go over a sentence a billion times until someone notices he is saying it and says something to him. Then, once he realizes he was heard, he stops talking. The kids have stopped paying attention to him the past month or so since he doesn't play. He is like part of the furniture now, they don't even notice him at all. Breaks my heart. I keep trying to get them to include him, but the oldest child who will be 4 in a month says 'well he doesn't like to play with us anyway'

[Heidi]

Yes there is, but that actually bothers him more when they try to include him. He really only wants to interact with me. He is a little parrot and will pick up on one thing they say and repeat it over and over and over a million times to himself, not too loud, he's very quiet, but he will go over a sentence a billion times until someone notices he is saying it and says something to him. Then, once he realizes he was heard, he stops talking. The kids have stopped paying attention to him the past month or so since he doesn't play. He is like part of the furniture now, they don't even notice him at all. Breaks my heart. I keep trying to get them to include him, but the oldest child who will be 4 in a month says 'well he doesn't like to play with us anyway'

oohhh.....seein' some red flags there...

-Have you ever heard of Echolalia? I was trying to find a video, but no luck. The child hears a word, and repeats it "incessantly"...such as "Daddy come...daddy come daddy come?" if you say "Yes, daddy is comming soon..", child would go back to "daddy come, daddy come?" It may be accompanied by rocking, arm flapping, or hair twisting...something rythmic.

-When he talks to others, does he often use the 3rd person? My friend's daughter (now 14 and long ago diagnosed with PPD-non specific) was little, she would often say "she wants..." for herself. She would rarely speak to those outside her family. An example:

We had their family and several others out on the lake one day, and the kids were zip-sliding. She was 3 or 4. Because new experiences were generally not her thing, we all ASSUMED that she would not want to ride. So, one after the other, the other kids rode. Suddenly, I realized she was standing there twirling her hair, saying "she wants to go on the slidey thing...she wants to go on the slidey thing" quietly to herself. suprise!

I told my friend..."ah...Tammy, I think Alexa wants to go, too". Tammy asked her, and sure enough, she did! So glad I heard her! whew..

Alexa also has sensory issues, which make her a "picky eater". As a young child, she also got VERY frustrated about things like putting her shoes on herself. She'd tantrum if you helped her, but tantrum because she couldn't do it herself. alas. Like I said, she's 14 now, and she's a sweetie. But, she's had a lot of therapy and is on meds for anxiety.

It's so hard to know what to say. Early intervention is so important, but it's so hard to convince parents to at least have kids evaluated. Maybe if she could see how he is there somehow? Could you film him for her? Maybe it would hit home if she perceived him as lonely or sad. Tough love for mom...

[daycare]

my niece was very much like this....it was pretty amazing, she could repeat an entire cartoon word for word, or several lines from a movie. Almost like rainmain.

if you said want to go outside, she would repeat it 100 times, until she heard something else to say.

I watched her for a bit, she was very delayed for her age at the age of 3.5, but she soon caught up and to my knowledge, she is doing just fine.

She came to daycare late in the game, was never around kids and left infront of the tv all day by her father and had almost zero interactions of communication.

I could not stand to be around everyone as they would talk for her, answer her questions when I asked her something and so on.

When I had her, I really struggled with her...ugh it was horrible. I even recommended to her mom to have her evaluated, only to piss them off. Later she was evaluated due to court matters with the father and they came back all normal...

she's about to go to the first grade and from what I hear she is very smart and grew out of her shyness too...

I think that I have learned that there are just some kids we can't understand and connect with, but we can still provide for them .

[caligirl]

I think that I have learned that there are just some kids we can't understand and connect with, but we can still provide for them .

I completely agree with this statement!
He heard someone say 'where did I put the ball?'.....and after about 10 minutes of him repeating that line over and over I realized that he was saying it. We just kind of tune him out sad to say because he doesn't WANT to interact so I often just give him something to do by himself....so he was saying 'Where did I put the ball?'......I happened to know where the ball was and handed it to him.....he said 'where did i put the ball? there is the ball. I found the ball. I found the ball. Ya! I found the ball! Ya! I found the ball!'.......he will have two sided conversations with himself.....Monday it was ' where are the dogs? I don't see them. Do YOU see them? Yes, I see them. Where? Over there. See? Do you see them? YES, I see them'......... ?????

[e.j.]

Ladies, have any of you ever had a child who does not participate in activities or interact with the other children?
I have a little boy here who is almost 2-1/2. He has an older sister, so he's not an only child. I used to care for her, she was a Normal, happy, smart, busy, social, outgoing little girl. This little guy is quiet, talks to himself (full conversations) he prefers to play alone. No matter what we try, the kids and I, he is not interested in interacting at all. He answers questions, if you say 'come play with us' he says 'ok' and follows them and then just stands there and watches....almost like he doesn't know what to do....or doesn't want to play. My place is very busy, lots to do,and kids his age to play with....when we are doing organized activities, or art for instance, he will sit there and just watch the kids.....he spends most of his time standing to the side, just watching, mumbling to himself.....
He's a very smart boy. He knows his alphabet, all his colors, he can even read words on flash cards......and all of that when it's just one-on-one with me.

Have any of you ever had a child like this?? And any suggestions??

My son, who has Asperger's, was very much like this. I see a lot of red flags here. In addition to what you wrote above, you've also said he's picky with food, has to be told what to do each step of the way, he has a "different" personality, he appears to be timid, he's very bright, he's content to be left alone and he repeats words/phrases, enjoys one-on-one interaction with adults more than peers... all can be characteristic of Asperger's. If it were just one or two things going on, I probably wouldn't worry too much but the fact that he has so many hallmarks, I think I'd be pushing for the parents to at least think about having him evaluated. Have you spoken with his parents about your concerns? Do they seem at all concerned?

[Heidi]

My son, who has Asperger's, was very much like this. I see a lot of red flags here. In addition to what you wrote above, you've also said he's picky with food, has to be told what to do each step of the way, he has a "different" personality, he appears to be timid, he's very bright, he's content to be left alone and he repeats words/phrases, enjoys one-on-one interaction with adults more than peers... all can be characteristic of Asperger's. If it were just one or two things going on, I probably wouldn't worry too much but the fact that he has so many hallmarks, I think I'd be pushing for the parents to at least think about having him evaluated. Have you spoken with his parents about your concerns? Do they seem at all concerned?

yes, yes, yes!

If you think there's any way to get them to have him evaluated, then use any means necessary to get that done...convince them!

If there's nothing going on, no harm done...he's just a quirky kid, like my son(s). If there IS something, then he will have a much better quality of life if he gets help earlier than later.

[caligirl]

OMG. I think I figured it out!!!
Ok so get this..... normally I do not have this little boy on Friday's. I have him 3 other days a week, but the past few weeks, I've had him on Friday's too. Today, he came in, happy, smiles, talking to me, the kids, interacting with everyone. Playing with the toys.....the kids..... he is still a bit reserved, and he does talk to himself constantly, but no big deal........I have just been watching him today as he's been acting more like a 'normal' 2 1/2 year old.......so, the thought hit me..... what is different about today. Why is it that the past few Friday's he is 'normal' for lack of a better word. Well, the 4 yr old girl that I take care of is not here on Friday's. Everyone else is here, just not her. She doesn't come on Friday's.......so...I started thinking......she's a typical little girl....bossy, busy, wants to be in charger (she is the oldest one I have)....she is constantly trying to get him to do things (play, sit, stand, etc...) not really trying to be mean to him, but she wants to direct everyone.......I have to constantly keep her busy.....so I think that she intimidates him. His sister is 5, and she is VERY controlling and bossy, so I think that's why he is the way he is at home and here. Because when talking to the mom last night, he is the same way at home.... so I really do think that these bossy girls who want to be in charge, are just too much for this little meek boy to handle! I'm going to talk to the mom tonight and tell her what I think. Maybe she can redirect her daughter too, so he can be himself and be comfortable in his own home

[Heidi]

OMG. I think I figured it out!!!
Ok so get this..... normally I do not have this little boy on Friday's. I have him 3 other days a week, but the past few weeks, I've had him on Friday's too. Today, he came in, happy, smiles, talking to me, the kids, interacting with everyone. Playing with the toys.....the kids..... he is still a bit reserved, and he does talk to himself constantly, but no big deal........I have just been watching him today as he's been acting more like a 'normal' 2 1/2 year old.......so, the thought hit me..... what is different about today. Why is it that the past few Friday's he is 'normal' for lack of a better word. Well, the 4 yr old girl that I take care of is not here on Friday's. Everyone else is here, just not her. She doesn't come on Friday's.......so...I started thinking......she's a typical little girl....bossy, busy, wants to be in charger (she is the oldest one I have)....she is constantly trying to get him to do things (play, sit, stand, etc...) not really trying to be mean to him, but she wants to direct everyone.......I have to constantly keep her busy.....so I think that she intimidates him. His sister is 5, and she is VERY controlling and bossy, so I think that's why he is the way he is at home and here. Because when talking to the mom last night, he is the same way at home.... so I really do think that these bossy girls who want to be in charge, are just too much for this little meek boy to handle! I'm going to talk to the mom tonight and tell her what I think. Maybe she can redirect her daughter too, so he can be himself and be comfortable in his own home

You're awesome! I'm so happy that you keep trying to figure it out. A tip of the hat to you on provider appreciation day. happyface

[caligirl]

You're awesome! I'm so happy that you keep trying to figure it out. A tip of the hat to you on provider appreciation day. happyface

Thank you!! Oh, I will not rest until I figure things out LOL. I've been doing this job for almost 28 years......and I just NEED to make sure everyone is 'ok' and if not, I NEED to figure out why and what to do to help.