The Loner Child...

[caligirl]

Ladies, have any of you ever had a child who does not participate in activities or interact with the other children?
I have a little boy here who is almost 2-1/2. He has an older sister, so he's not an only child. I used to care for her, she was a Normal, happy, smart, busy, social, outgoing little girl. This little guy is quiet, talks to himself (full conversations) he prefers to play alone. No matter what we try, the kids and I, he is not interested in interacting at all. He answers questions, if you say 'come play with us' he says 'ok' and follows them and then just stands there and watches....almost like he doesn't know what to do....or doesn't want to play. My place is very busy, lots to do,and kids his age to play with....when we are doing organized activities, or art for instance, he will sit there and just watch the kids.....he spends most of his time standing to the side, just watching, mumbling to himself.....
He's a very smart boy. He knows his alphabet, all his colors, he can even read words on flash cards......and all of that when it's just one-on-one with me.

Have any of you ever had a child like this?? And any suggestions??

[daycare]

Ladies, have any of you ever had a child who does not participate in activities or interact with the other children?
I have a little boy here who is almost 2-1/2. He has an older sister, so he's not an only child. I used to care for her, she was a Normal, happy, smart, busy, social, outgoing little girl. This little guy is quiet, talks to himself (full conversations) he prefers to play alone. No matter what we try, the kids and I, he is not interested in interacting at all. He answers questions, if you say 'come play with us' he says 'ok' and follows them and then just stands there and watches....almost like he doesn't know what to do....or doesn't want to play. My place is very busy, lots to do,and kids his age to play with....when we are doing organized activities, or art for instance, he will sit there and just watch the kids.....he spends most of his time standing to the side, just watching, mumbling to himself.....
He's a very smart boy. He knows his alphabet, all his colors, he can even read words on flash cards......and all of that when it's just one-on-one with me.

Have any of you ever had a child like this?? And any suggestions??

he sounds over stimulated. I have one here that is like this.

On days when I have fewer kids and less going on, he seems to do better. He almost never participates in anything other than one on one lessons with me.

I do make him a space at the front of the preschool room that one friend can play with him.

is there anyway that you can offer a space for him that is less stimulating?

[caligirl]

I can try....but I've been thinking since I posted this...... his sister is 5, very domineering personality. Very controlling type A child. Smart as the come too....the parents baby him from what I see when I see them interacting with him.. so he has a sister who is controlling, parents treating him like a baby..... he's VERY picky with food......4 days out of 5 he won't eat a thing all day....when I've talked to the mom about this she tells me that they cut his food in tiny baby bites, and to give him ketchup or some ranch dip because he likes that......when it's time to clean up, he stands off to the side, I have to keep telling him over and over to help (not unusual I know) but when asking the mom if he cleans up his toys at home, she tells me he does when he is directed to.....they have to tell him each individual toy to pick up (ie: pick up the red truck and put it in the blue box)...... and I asked if he plays with his sister or just side by side parallel play, and she said that he does not play with her unless he has direction....... very very different personality...Almost like he doesn't have a mind of his own unless he is told what to do. I want so badly to help him open up, but I dont really know how to get thru to him

[KnoxMom]

Before I give any advice, is he a timid child? Is it more nervousness/shyness or do you think it is a developmental issue? Two very different directions you would need to go in depending on your response...

[daycare]

I can try....but I've been thinking since I posted this...... his sister is 5, very domineering personality. Very controlling type A child. Smart as the come too....the parents baby him from what I see when I see them interacting with him.. so he has a sister who is controlling, parents treating him like a baby..... he's VERY picky with food......4 days out of 5 he won't eat a thing all day....when I've talked to the mom about this she tells me that they cut his food in tiny baby bites, and to give him ketchup or some ranch dip because he likes that......when it's time to clean up, he stands off to the side, I have to keep telling him over and over to help (not unusual I know) but when asking the mom if he cleans up his toys at home, she tells me he does when he is directed to.....they have to tell him each individual toy to pick up (ie: pick up the red truck and put it in the blue box)...... and I asked if he plays with his sister or just side by side parallel play, and she said that he does not play with her unless he has direction....... very very different personality...Almost like he doesn't have a mind of his own unless he is told what to do. I want so badly to help him open up, but I dont really know how to get thru to him

I would stop giving him every direction....he's waiting on everyone to hold his hand through everything.

for clean up. I would give him a section of toys to clean up and a bucket. tell him, when you are done cleaning up you can come color with the rest of us. Let him take charge of what he needs to do.

I think that giving him options would really work. this will teach him to make decisions for himself.

so at clean up you can say. JOhnny would you like the blue bucket to put the toys away in or the green bucket to put the toys away in. This way, he is getting to make a decision himself and he is still going to have to clean up the mess.

I have a child that was like this from age3-4. When he was Potty training, I had to tell him step by step what to do...it was annoying. One day, after a straight month of gcing step by step directions, I just started walking away and letting him do it on his own. I know that he was more than capable, but he waited on me to tell him what to do.

his mom is a HUGE helicopter mom and he expected me to be the same way.

[caligirl]

Before I give any advice, is he a timid child? Is it more nervousness/shyness or do you think it is a developmental issue? Two very different directions you would need to go in depending on your response...

he is somewhat timid, but he is very, very bright.

[caligirl]

I would stop giving him every direction....he's waiting on everyone to hold his hand through everything.

for clean up. I would give him a section of toys to clean up and a bucket. tell him, when you are done cleaning up you can come color with the rest of us. Let him take charge of what he needs to do.

I think that giving him options would really work. this will teach him to make decisions for himself.

so at clean up you can say. JOhnny would you like the blue bucket to put the toys away in or the green bucket to put the toys away in. This way, he is getting to make a decision himself and he is still going to have to clean up the mess.

I have a child that was like this from age3-4. When he was Potty training, I had to tell him step by step what to do...it was annoying. One day, after a straight month of gcing step by step directions, I just started walking away and letting him do it on his own. I know that he was more than capable, but he waited on me to tell him what to do.

his mom is a HUGE helicopter mom and he expected me to be the same way.

Yes, it is very time consuming and frustrating to have to constantly tell him what to do each and every step of the way. He just stands there silently or sits there waiting to be told what to do.....that takes my time and attention away from the other kids when I am having to give him so much direction....yet, I don't want to ignore the poor child

[Heidi]

My oldest son was a lot like this. He was the kid catching butterflies during a soccer game, or counting windows at swim lessons. It was typical at 3 or 4, but he got heckled off the soccer field at 9 (well, I actually just withdrew him.....when I heard other parents say "who IS that kid?"

In Kindy his teacher complained because he never seemed to pay attention, until one day she asked him what she'd read, and he recounted details in the story no one else knew... After that, she stopped saying anything.

He was also a picky eater. It was a topic of conversation for every family member, visitor, and friend. He became "famous" for being picky. No matter how many times I told people to stay out of it, they didn't. Oh, and he WOULD eat brocoli with ketchup (yeck!) at 2 1/2, until my sister yelled at me in front of him for letting him. So, he stopped eating brocoli.

In any case, he's 23 now, still figuring out his life's work (he works, just not at what he wants). His IQ is about 140, and he's a prolific writer. He eats lots of different things (still no brocoli, to my knowledge), loves to cook (suprise..he has control over it), and has a kind heart.

Let the little guy be who he is. He's probably got a head full of ideas. Support his independence wherever you can, and give him opportunities to make small decisions that aren't overwhelming.

Perhaps you can find some information on supporting gifted children for the parents. Even if he's not gifted, what parent wouldn't want to hear that you suspect he is? They wouldn't want to hold him back, would they?

Here is a really great website for parents and teachers of gifted children:

http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/gifted_101.htm

[daycare]

Yes, it is very time consuming and frustrating to have to constantly tell him what to do each and every step of the way. He just stands there silently or sits there waiting to be told what to do.....that takes my time and attention away from the other kids when I am having to give him so much direction....yet, I don't want to ignore the poor child

he's only 2.5 right??

how long has he been with you... is he ESL?

I have a child who is ESL and I have to show her every day what we do and say it over and over. LIke when we go to wash our hands I have to walk her through it every single time step by step. She is about to turn 3, but she has been with me for over a year.

I would take some time and show him what you want him to do... point out the other kids doing it. JOhnny do you see sally picking up the toys, lets help her....then walk away....

[caligirl]

My oldest son was a lot like this. He was the kid catching butterflies during a soccer game, or counting windows at swim lessons. It was typical at 3 or 4, but he got heckled off the soccer field at 9 (well, I actually just withdrew him.....when I heard other parents say "who IS that kid?"

In Kindy his teacher complained because he never seemed to pay attention, until one day she asked him what she'd read, and he recounted details in the story no one else knew... After that, she stopped saying anything.

He was also a picky eater. It was a topic of conversation for every family member, visitor, and friend. He became "famous" for being picky. No matter how many times I told people to stay out of it, they didn't. Oh, and he WOULD eat brocoli with ketchup (yeck!) at 2 1/2, until my sister yelled at me in front of him for letting him. So, he stopped eating brocoli.

In any case, he's 23 now, still figuring out his life's work (he works, just not at what he wants). His IQ is about 140, and he's a prolific writer. He eats lots of different things (still no brocoli, to my knowledge), loves to cook (suprise..he has control over it), and has a kind heart.

Let the little guy be who he is. He's probably got a head full of ideas. Support his independence wherever you can, and give him opportunities to make small decisions that aren't overwhelming.

Perhaps you can find some information on supporting gifted children for the parents. Even if he's not gifted, what parent wouldn't want to hear that you suspect he is? They wouldn't want to hold him back, would they?

Here is a really great website for parents and teachers of gifted children:

http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/gifted_101.htm

I would not be surprised one bit if he were gifted. His sister is the smartest child I have EVER known. She amazes me. He's been with me since he was an infant. He's never really liked playing with other children, but he's backed away the older he's gotten. Today, I decided to just let him be. I haven't said a word to him about playing or suggested anything to him, just to see what he would do. He's been sitting or standing in the same spot, just looking around, mumbling to himself about whatever. Nobody is bothering him and he seems quite content with being left alone.

[daycare]

I would not be surprised one bit if he were gifted. His sister is the smartest child I have EVER known. She amazes me. He's been with me since he was an infant. He's never really liked playing with other children, but he's backed away the older he's gotten. Today, I decided to just let him be. I haven't said a word to him about playing or suggested anything to him, just to see what he would do. He's been sitting or standing in the same spot, just looking around, mumbling to himself about whatever. Nobody is bothering him and he seems quite content with being left alone.

this is my dck...he is best when he is alone or with only one other child. I also leave him be. I always ask if he wants to join in even though I know he will alway say no

[rmc20021]

My granddaughter is 2.5 and is very much like that. She is a loner. Every day when my daughter picked her up from her daycare she would be playing by herself. I have no conerns about her at all developmentally. She's just very independant and prefers to play by herself. She can entertain herself for hours...and she talks to herself, a lot.

I will say though that she wants things to be 'her' way (she's also very headstrong) so I also think the reason she plays by herself is so she can play 'her' way without someone else interfering in what she's doing.

[caligirl]

Well, I thank everyone for the advice. I think I will just let him be. I'll ask if he wants to participate and if he doesn't then I'll just leave him alone. He is perfectly content just standing against the wall watching and talking to himself. Strange to me, but apparently it's what he wants to do!

[Heidi]

Well, I thank everyone for the advice. I think I will just let him be. I'll ask if he wants to participate and if he doesn't then I'll just leave him alone. He is perfectly content just standing against the wall watching and talking to himself. Strange to me, but apparently it's what he wants to do!

Just make sure to "check in" with him now and then. Even if he's not touchy-feely, give him a hand on the shoulder, a thumbs up, etc, just so he knows you're all still there. Even if he prefers being alone, I wouldn't want him to be lonely.

Does he have a passion? My son was a train fanatic, and would spend hours playing with trains (esp Thomas the Tank Engine). At 3 he'd fill his room with elaborate tracks. He also loved any kind of building toys. Legos, K'nex, etc.

[craftymissbeth]

I was this child... and in some ways I'm still like this as an adult. For me, it was a mild social anxiety. I just feel more comfortable observing rather than participating.


IME, I did like to be encouraged slightly, then left alone to make the decision of whether or not I felt comfortable enough to jump in. I usually got super nervous when I was encouraged too much because then I felt too pressured and like it was a big deal if I didn't do things the right way, kwim?


He could just be an observer and he's just taking it all in :confused: