Lying

[Hunni Bee]

What do you do with dcks who lie? I have never came across a kid who lies as much as this one does.

He will literally tell you anything. He will tell 5-6 lies back to back, if you ask another question and he senses you didn't believe the previous story, he will immediately switch his story.

Well, just a minute ago, he went to the potty without asking. I just happened to see him on his way out. I sent another kid to the potty and he came out and reported that the toilet was running over. There are 3 stalls - the one the second kid used was still filling normally...the one nearest the door had ran over, but not just then - several minutes before.

This was our convo:

-which potty did you use?
-the big potty (overflowing one)
(other kid says he used the middle one)
-oh yeah I used the middle one
-you just said you used the big one. Which one?
-the last one.
-come show me which one you used. (indicates big potty)
-what did you put in the potty?
-toilet paper.
-did you pee or poo?
- I peed.
-so why did you use toilet paper?
- I didn't use toilet paper...

Its so maddening - he rarely tells the truth without several rounds like the above or getting a consequence. He does this with his parents - I asked how they handle it, dad said they just keep asking until he tells the truth.

How would/do you ladies handle this? He's almost 5.

[JoseyJo]

When a child starts lying often I stop asking them any questions that I don't already know the answer to. I will start to shadow that one as much as possible and only ask about things I actually saw and KNOW the truth. Most of ours end up thinking I have eyes in the back of my head and always know what happened. When know they are lying (i actually saw the situation with my own eyes and they say something different) then I tell them "I know that is not what happened, we don't lie, please go sit in the thinking chair and think about it. Then I will ask you about it again so you can try again"

[Jewels]

I think I have heard everyone one of my kids tell a lie, my daughter does every time I ask her if she did something (did you wash your hands? Yes.....no you didn't I was watching) I have a 4 yr old daycare girl who I love so much that tells her parents on bath nights, that she already took a bath at my house......um no she doesn't take her baths here, she tells me if she comes after breakfast, that she didn't get breakfast at home and needs it here, well its 11am, and I know your mommy gave you breakfast. but she didn't. really? but you still have peanut butter on your face?
Honestly I guess I kind of let it go to easy maybe I don't know, I always just say its not good to lie, we need to tell the truth, I have taken away privledges before if its a bad lie, or if its my older son he gets in a bit more trouble.

[mrsnj]

I think lying at this age is normal. Esp if they think they are in trouble. In the toilet situation, he already knew he did it, did wrong and was caught and was concerned about getting in trouble so he was saying whatever he could to try and not get in trouble. I guess I expect it to happen with young children.

It is the lying for no issue that I don't like or when they are openly caught and STILL lie to your face. Like I have a child that likes to best everyone. "Sue" went to the circus and is telling everyone about it and "Lisa" says "OH I have been to the circus three times and the last time they let me dress like a clown and ride in on a pony!!".....yeah...not cool. Or saying they didn't hit the child next to them when I clearly saw they did it and yet they still insist they didn't. That type of lying I do not tolerate. Lying gets a time out. My DC kids know this. It is better to tell the truth than to lie. So the toilet situation probably would have gotten a talking too (assuming it was just toilet paper) if he told the truth but lying would have gotten a time out.

Most of the time my DC kids will be honest as they know it is better to do so. It is best when they are old enough to understand to talk about why they are lying and why it is better to not. Last year I had a SA child for the summer. She was on a strict diet and was telling her mom she was getting poptarts for breakfast. I never gave her anything because I knew she had already eaten, I don't provide breakfast and I knew she was on a diet. To this day I do not know why she lied. I think it was really an attention thing but it over all got her in trouble. Her mom talked with her and she got a time out here and after we talked about telling the truth and how can I trust her if she isn't saying truthful words.

I guess most kids are just prone to lie. It is how we deal with it and the reason behind it that is more important.

[AmyKidsCo]

Children don't see lying the same way we do. Sometimes they lie because they don't want to get into trouble, but sometimes they lie because they really want things to be that way instead of the way they really are. (For instance, he really wanted to have used the non-overflowing one.)

When I have a child who lies a lot I try to reinforce their telling the truth to the point that when they do, there is no consequence for whatever the problem was. For instance, if the child told the truth about overflowing the toilet I'd say "I am so glad you told me the truth about this! I'm not happy that the toilet is overflowing, but I can fix that. The important thing is that you told me what happened so I could fix it. Great job - give me five!"

[Hunni Bee]

Children don't see lying the same way we do. Sometimes they lie because they don't want to get into trouble, but sometimes they lie because they really want things to be that way instead of the way they really are. (For instance, he really wanted to have used the non-overflowing one.)

When I have a child who lies a lot I try to reinforce their telling the truth to the point that when they do, there is no consequence for whatever the problem was. For instance, if the child told the truth about overflowing the toilet I'd say "I am so glad you told me the truth about this! I'm not happy that the toilet is overflowing, but I can fix that. The important thing is that you told me what happened so I could fix it. Great job - give me five!"

That's basically what I told him, that lying doesn't help me fix the problem and that the truth helps me a lot quicker. He really never did tell me, i got so many different versions that i left it alone.

My concern is that his first response is a lie, no matter the situation. He just blurts out stories until you accept one or leave it alone. I usually don't ask him unless I already know the answer.

This is also a child who is frequently in situations where he has made a wrong choice, which is why I guess he feels the need to lie often.

So should i say "You won't get in trouble, but i need the truth"?

[daycare]

I have one like this but I'm very positive they get it from their mother.

The mother had lied to me on many occasions on very silly things and even the Dcd has stated mom over embellishes on everything.

Perhaps this could be why?

[JoseyJo]

So should i say "You won't get in trouble, but i need the truth"?

I don't think I could say no trouble, but maybe less trouble. When a child makes the wrong choice we will say, for example "Oh no, we don't throw blocks someone could get hurt!", then the next time would be "No, we do not throw blocks, go find a different activity please", then if it happened again the same day we would say "We don't throw blocks, please go and think about it" (our version of time-out). BUT if a child lied about throwing the blocks we would say "We don't throw blocks and we dont lie, since you didn't tell the truth you need to go and think about it" (Then after they had a chance to think about it we would talk about it- personally I think it is important that they admit what they did because then we can talk about why we don't do that thing, and options to do instead)

The only things that are "think about it" the first time here are lying and violence (hitting, spitting, etc). Everything else gets at least 1 warning (per day), sometimes more depending on age and how often over all that behavior is a problem.

[daycare]

Have you tried telling lies yourself.

Like. Ill say to this kid wow today's raining really hard outside (when it's not) the kid will immediately say no its not and I will point out yeah your right that's not the truth.

This way it is showing the child the difference.

Then when you catch them telling the truth do what you would with any other good act. Recognize and reward it.

[Hunni Bee]

personally I think it is important that they admit what they did because then we can talk about why we don't do that thing, and options to do instead)

This. I certainly wasn't going to blast him for overflowing the toilet. Everyone does it every now and then. I just get dismayed that the second you ask him a question, he starts lying and will say literally anything to avoid a consequence.

I had him go sit with another teacher and "think about" the truth, but he just got upset and I didn't push it.

His parents don't really deal with it as lying, they just keep asking until he says something they accept. Sometimes its the real truth, sometimes it isn't. I've seem them in action.

[Starburst]

Here are some tips for dealing with kids who lie:

http://www.parents.com/kids/development/behavioral/lying/?page=1

http://www.parents.com/kids/development/behavioral/age-by-age-guide-to-lying/

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-pres...ow-to-stop-it/ (this one can work for stealing too)

[countrymom]

see I would have sent him to sit and think about what the truth is. Chronic lying is not good, and you shouldn't have to go fishing for answers. Sure they lie so they don't get in trouble, but my biggest pet peeve is kids who lie. I always tell them that if they tell the truth then they won't get in trouble, but if you lie then you will get in trouble. I would be afraid if he hit another child seriously and then lied about it, and the child was truely hurt, then what are you going to do.

[Unregistered]

I would be tempted to give a consequence and say it is not because you overflowed the toilet, but because you liedwhen asked about it. The consequence would always be because you lied, not because of the action done. Until they learnrd that lying will result in getting in trouble.

[countrymom]

I would be tempted to give a consequence and say it is not because you overflowed the toilet, but because you liedwhen asked about it. The consequence would always be because you lied, not because of the action done. Until they learnrd that lying will result in getting in trouble.

[JoseyJo]

see I would have sent him to sit and think about what the truth is. Chronic lying is not good, and you shouldn't have to go fishing for answers. Sure they lie so they don't get in trouble, but my biggest pet peeve is kids who lie. I always tell them that if they tell the truth then they won't get in trouble, but if you lie then you will get in trouble. I would be afraid if he hit another child seriously and then lied about it, and the child was truely hurt, then what are you going to do.

I totally agree- There has to be consequences for some actions (like hitting) even if they tell the truth about it. For that one I try not to ask if they hit ( I try to shadow a lot if we have a new little one that hits, we have a no violence policy, but we take them starting at 18 months and sometimes they have already learned it elsewhere and have to be taught not to). If I have to ask and they tell the truth then I praise them "Thank you so much for telling me the truth, but we don't ever hit, we use our words. Lets go think about it and figure out how to deal with that next time without hitting" Then we both go to the thinking chair and talk about it. Still a consequence but not nearly as "bad" as if they had lied too.