I Feel Like

[HomeMADE]

I agree with the comment on "it's like raising a puppy". I look at it a bit different and think it compares better to raising a child. If you do not set boundaries, clear expectations, and an open line of communication with children they often don't give you what you want. By nature women are care givers, it's in our DNA. While men are providers. I think that it does come easier to some men, for one reason or another.

My husband and I have always shared a bank account. Even when I was not contributing to our income. We are currently paying bills together through our banks bill pay. And our financial communication is better than ever now.

It took a long time to get him to understand what it takes to run a household. Learning the responsibilities of being a homeowner was another big one for him. It all changed when I changed how I communicated with him. I stopped getting mad at him when he did not help. I just asked for help and let him do it.

[MNMum]

Something's going to have to change in this relationship. First, keep in mind that nothing is going to change overnight. This is going to take a lot of work, on both your part and on his. It will likely demand many "heart to heart" conversations. Nagging doesn't work. Discussions (try not to bring everything up at once, it is too overwhelming, and he will shut you out). Also, I've found that my husband needs specific tasks and lists (which has driven me nuts - I don't want to have to tell him to "help" me on something, I want him to see it needs to be done and do it! But he just doesn't see it.) Honestly, it's just like with your kids - praise works much better than telling him he is doing it all wrong.

Even if you were "just" a SAHM, he should be helping in the evenings with either dinner, clean up, or the kids. But you are working, too. When running a home daycare you can't get as much done during the day as a SAHM, as you have more kids to care for, more meals to prepare, more cleaning, paperwork, etc. Reality is, you are both working during the day, and he needs to get on board and see it that way.

When my husband came home from an 18 mo deployment, it was very difficult to get him to see he needed to help out more around the house. When he was deployed, he only needed to take care of himself. And, he had someone cooking for him, cleaning for him, and doing his laundry. My husband has gotten a lot better about following the "rules" of my house. I don't know how else to put it. It has taken many discussions. One of the lines I have used often is, "You wouldn't be okay with the kids doing that, why do you get to do that..." I've made chore charts, they weren't always followed, but it did show all of the things that needed to get done in a day. Like I said, I've had to be very specific, "No one gets to be done from dinner until all of the mess is cleaned up AND the tables and counters are wiped." Kids are pretty good now, I still have to remind my husband sometimes, but now he gets back up and does it(before he would ignore me).

As far as the financial problems go, I highly recommend going through financial training. Financial Peace University is wonderful - it's offered through many churches and online. You should do it together. Couples have many different ways of dividing their money. Some completely combine everything, some separate incomes and bills, and some do a little of both. But how it is going in your house seems very unfair. Luckily, money has not been a big problem for my marriage. We are both respectful of the money. We discuss big purchases and usually make them together(any luxury over $30 and necessity over $100). We also have a small amount of "fun" money we are allowed to spend on whatever we want, without notifying the other(I tend to spend mine at Caribou and he sneaks in trips to Taco Bell). I think statistically speaking, couples who can combine their money into one account, and then maybe have small accts for personal use, tend to do better. I also know that it doesn't matter how much money you have, even as incomes increase, the financial problems remain, unless they are dealt with.

[Laurel]

My husband has become completely useless since I've become a stay at home mom and even more so now that I do home daycare. He comes home from work and almost always heads right to the gym. He's an aspiring bodybuilder. Then comes home and thinks its okay to take a nap. Pretty much has stopped helping let the dogs out when he is home. Even though he knows how hard it is for me to let them out with our own four children, and forget about it when daycare kids are here. We have a mastiff and a black lab and they are ruining our garage. I'm ready to find them new homes, but that would be such a huge fight. A ridiculous one since he couldn't care less about the dogs to begin with.

He never offers to help with homework, bathing the kids or getting them to so theirs chores unless he is yelling at them for it not being already done when he gets home.

I'm just exhausted. I told him we needed to clean out the storage area and he pretty much laughed that I said we. And yet he complains about our lack of intimacy.

Thanks for the vent.

Men usually don't 'offer' you have to ask for exactly what you want.

"Would you give Susie her bath tonight while I help Johnny with his homework?"

"Would you rather get fast food tonight or help me make the tacos because I am exhausted?"

"If we can get the dinner dishes cleaned up and the kids in bed by 8:30, how about some sex? I'll need some help though."

Like others said, you'll need some heart to heart talks.

I learned a long time ago that nobody should be expected to get 'hints'. Not that you do that...just saying. No one is a mind reader.

Laurel

[MaryM]

This. I'm not on the bank account so I have to do the same thing. Ask permission for money. That is such a demeaning feeling! Just last night, my mom took my sisters and I for a girls night out to see Zac Brown Band (so much fun!). Anyway, I had to pretty much beg him for $40 so I could get dinner and some drinks at the concert. Seriously? I am almost 30 years old!

What? I would open my own account with the $ I made from daycare & I wouldn't put his name on it or give him access to it! That's a bunch of b.s.!
& I'm afraid if I were a "married single parent" I would give the hubby an ultimatum to help with the kids more or he needs to find a new place to live! No reason to put up with all his crap & do all the child rearing alone! I feel for y'all! Sounds like you need to give them a big reality check!

[Patches]

double post

[Patches]

I am respnsible for EVERYTHING!!!!! Our kids, the daycare, the house (including everyone's laundry, dishes, bedrooms, random messes that they leave, ALL grocery shopping,etc.), ALL BILLS AND MONEY (we have a shared bank account and each have debit cards but it is completely up to me to make sure everything is paid and we don't overdraft (which I admit, I fail at this one often because it gets pt on the back burner)

He does do things here and there. Mostly laundry, but it just ends up as mountains of clean laundy on top of the washer and dryer.

He does work very long hours but I still feel like it's a little bit of an unfair arrangement.

[mbullette]

This is essentially what goes on at my house, except I work 10 hour days outside the home and am 5 months pregnant in a high risk category.

He works nights...ten hour shifts as well...but that does not mean he has to sleep the other 14 hours. And the entire time he's off.

He does do his own laundry and will occasionally clean up. But I am responsible for my own laundry and the house laundry (we have to use the laundromat), all the cooking, grocery shopping, bill payment, buying of anything that needs to be bought, most of the cleaning, car upkeep (it is my car, but he uses it too), baby preparation, looking for another apartment plus my job and all the take home work associated with it. I also have 3-4 doctors appointments per month, and will probably have more in the coming months. Plus, hey, guess what - I dont feel that great everyday!

100% of my income goes into the house. He gives me a few hundred at the beginning of the month, and that's it.

Granted, both of us are in our twenties...but damn, when do you grow up? I can't wait for our daughter to be born so he can get a clue of what my life is like.

I feel your pain but I can tell you that it wont get any better once your daughter is born. I know exactly what you are going through and having kids only makes it worse. Some men never grow up and you will be taking care of your daughter and also a grown up child. My husband currently lost his job and just feels the need to sleep, eat and play on the computer all day long. He complains about certain kids I have here so I got rid of them and now he is complaining that I am making less money each week. I told him to get off his a** and get a job and not to complain. Right now I am doing everything while he is enjoying his midlife crisis. He is home all day and all night and does nothing with our kids, the house or anything. It ****s but I have told myself there are more fish in the sea and possibly even ones that care.

Good luck!!!

[sarahhardy2711]

This. I'm not on the bank account so I have to do the same thing. Ask permission for money. That is such a demeaning feeling! Just last night, my mom took my sisters and I for a girls night out to see Zac Brown Band (so much fun!). Anyway, I had to pretty much beg him for $40 so I could get dinner and some drinks at the concert. Seriously? I am almost 30 years old!

I'm sorry you ladies have to "beg" for money, I hate seeing that happen to SAHM. It should be clear understanding of how the finances/cleaning/home mang works, or it can lead to years of resentment! Perhaps you could start taking small amounts of money and saving it for your own. I'm responsible for most of the cleaning and bill paying, but that's only because I hate the way my husband cleans and he's not the best at bill paying. I believe that if you continue to allow the behavior that you don't like, then you will always have to deal with it. Its tough being married and having clear roles, that everyone agrees with. I still can't get my husband to consistently take the trash out and we've lived together for 9 years!

[hope]

It seems that most men expect women to be responsible for cleaning the home, cooking, care of the kids and laundry regardless if they are working or not. When we take on all these responsibilities we get burnt out. Have a heart to heart with your husband. Make a list of all of your errands and chores and show him your daily schedule. Ask for help with the laundry and dishes. Switch to all paper goods if he can't do dishes. Wash only your clothes if he won't help with laundry. Use your daycare money for a cleaning service and order out if he refuses to pitch in. After a week of paying others to do the chores you normally do show him how much this is costing you and how much your daycare salary could help towards your family income.

[frugalmama4]

I hear ya sister(s)

I'm in some what of the same situation as the OP.

What I love about my man..."at the moment

My husband does help a LOT with the daycare (he does all the cooking, and stays with the kids when I have an earn to run) I'm very thankful!

What has been holding us back
However, the other side of things...he has been out of work for over 6 months now...and the DAYCARE is the only income we have. I haven't said a word about not working...didn't want him feeling bad...and we did agree it wouldn't be worth him finding work and then having to quit (he has been waiting on a trade school/class to start...it's a two week class then a test...WHEN he pass he will have is certification to work as a welder inspector..just took his test this pass Saturday...PRAYERS PLEASE THAT HE ACE IT happyface).

Things will get better

Lord knows when this man gets back to work...life for us both will be a %100 better. Not just because of the income he will be bring in...but because he won't be in my A$% all day...questioning every-thing-move I make.

Like now, most of you know I have start working on converting our garage into the new daycare area...and it has been one thing after another with da hubby. He flat out told me he was not gonna help me with anything...for the sake of our relationship...but hek he can't help but make little comments about everything. Just this morning, the guy I hired to do the work (while the hubby was away for the last two weeks in class out of town) arrived and their goes the hubby complaining you PAID some body to that???? What I should have said...well since you're being a jerk I have no choice but to spend the $$$.

Oh, this man is gonna make me go real crazy on his A$% and show him just how ugly...ugly can get.

Thanks for the vent...totally needed it this morning.

[frugalmama4]

OK, so I did not address the OP concerns....sorry

If you guys keep your monies separate...which I think is a really BAD IDEA for a marriage, then it may be best for you to acted as if you're a single women and start saving your money...I would say yall need to have a coming to Jesus meeting on this topic...and have a clear understanding of how the family money works.

Good Luck to you all...I hate that as women we GIVE UP SO MUCH...to do what we do for our families...and we get little or no support from our husbands or children.

My GOD Bless us all!

[littlemissmuffet]

It seems that most men expect women to be responsible for cleaning the home, cooking, care of the kids and laundry regardless if they are working or not.

I think women ALLOW men to have these kinds of expectations. I have never been with a man who "expected" me to do everything... because that's not the kind of woman I am. I refuse to be with someone who isn't contributing to the relationship AND household as much as possible - it's never 50/50 sometimes I'm 75 and he's 25, or sometimes I'm 10 and he's 90 - but overall, we're both doing as much as we can and NEVER EVER leave the other one feeling like they are doing more than they can handle. If all women required this of men then men wouldn't think it's our "job" to handle everything!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

OK, so I did not address the OP concerns....sorry

If you guys keep your monies separate...which I think is a really BAD IDEA for a marriage, then it may be best for you to acted as if you're a single women and start saving your money...I would say yall need to have a coming to Jesus meeting on this topic...and have a clear understanding of how the family money works.

Good Luck to you all...I hate that as women we GIVE UP SO MUCH...to do what we do for our families...and we get little or no support from our husbands or children.

My GOD Bless us all!

After what happened to me, I strongly recommend every woman have accounts separate from their husband that their husband can't touch. I couldn't recommend anything MORE than I would recommend that.