Sticky Situation: Divorced DCM/Friend

[blandino]

I am having trouble sorting through a situation, and would like some help seeing things clearly.

One of my best friends is also a DCM. She and DCD are now divorced (since Dec). I really hadn't been paying attention as to whose bank account the checks were coming from, and this morning I found out that she is the only one paying for childcare (part of the divorce decree).

On the level of being her friend, this really irritates me and definitely makes me respect DCD a lot less.

My personal feelings aside, since DCM is the one paying for all fees she should be my primary contact person for DCG and all scheduling, contact info, etc. ? If only one parent is paying the fees - do they automatically become the one who is the decision maker ? Up until this point, I had been speaking to whomever was with that day (they have 50/50 custody).

I feel like she should, but I don't know if that's a little vindictive on my part ?

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

If they have 50/50 custody continue doing what you were doing.

My children's Dad pays for my son's JROTC things. I would be deeply offended if I was kept "out of the loop" because I wasn't the one paying for that specific thing. In fact, that wouldn't go over well at all. You don't know what DCD does pay for.

[blandino]

If they have 50/50 custody continue doing what you were doing.

My children's Dad pays for my son's JROTC things. I would be deeply offended if I was kept "out of the loop" because I wasn't the one paying for that specific thing. In fact, that wouldn't go over well at all. You don't know what DCD does pay for.

I agree with that.

I think the reason I am questioning whether or not I am feeling vindictive, is because I do know what DCD pays for. DCM is one of my closest friends, and DCD is refusing to help with daycare and private school tuition next year because he "can't afford it", but he is wining and dining his new girlfriend nearly every night and buying some toys for himself. The only reason I know this, is because she checks them in on FB every time they do anything. (yes, that kind of obnoxious person). I guess it just irritates me that I know his refusal to help financially, is hurting my friend. See where I am having trouble separating....

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

That really is terrible, but you do have to separate.

If you want to do anything, perhaps you can give her a "gift certificate" that takes off 25% of the tuition for 1 week or something.

No sense in being angry. It won't change DCD's attitude about financially supporting his children and you don't want his attitude (due to you suddenly changing your demeanor) to come back and cause stress for your friend.

[sarahhardy2711]

I think that 50/50 custody means 50/50 with the daycare things as well. DCD is someone that you see and have a rapport with right? So you should put the DCP hat on, even though your being a good friend for caring. There's always 3 sides to the truth (hers, his, and the truth!) and it's not the DCP job to try to discern between it all.

side note: maybe he found a "sugar mama" and the new gf is taking care of him. !

[blandino]

I think that 50/50 custody means 50/50 with the daycare things as well. DCD is someone that you see and have a rapport with right? So you should put the DCP hat on, even though your being a good friend for caring. There's always 3 sides to the truth (hers, his, and the truth!) and it's not the DCP job to try to discern between it all.

side note: maybe he found a "sugar mama" and the new gf is taking care of him. !

Oh lord, if you all could see this. It is better than reality TV. No way is she a sugar mama. It is just too bad to be real, but it is.

I just wasn't sure how everyone else handled it. I know I have seen other providers (I believe it is Blackcat), who pick a contact person when dealing with divorced parents - and they deal specifically with that parent to avoid confusion . I have only dealt with two other sets of divorced parents in 10 years. And all were divorced before coming to the daycare, so I didn't know if picking one person was the right thing to do - or what everyone else does ? And considering that she is paying, I thought it should be her.

Up until this point, I had been involving both of them and will continue to do so in matters of DCG.

[MNMum]

Oh lord, if you all could see this. It is better than reality TV. No way is she a sugar mama. It is just too bad to be real, but it is.

I just wasn't sure how everyone else handled it. I know I have seen other providers (I believe it is Blackcat), who pick a contact person when dealing with divorced parents - and they deal specifically with that parent to avoid confusion . I have only dealt with two other sets of divorced parents in 10 years. And all were divorced before coming to the daycare, so I didn't know if picking one person was the right thing to do - or what everyone else does ? And considering that she is paying, I thought it should be her.

Up until this point, I had been involving both of them and will continue to do so in matters of DCG.

Legally speaking, child support and legal custody are completely separate. This is not your battle to pick, if they have 50/50 custody, they can both make these decisions. Doesn't matter where the money is coming from.

The system is not fair in this way, but that is how it is. Unless the mother has asked you to only deal with her, I wouldn't even go there. The best thing you can do as a friend is help these two stay on nice speaking terms. I'm speaking from experience on this one!

[sharlan]

I think that 50/50 custody means 50/50 with the daycare things as well. DCD is someone that you see and have a rapport with right? So you should put the DCP hat on, even though your being a good friend for caring. There's always 3 sides to the truth (hers, his, and the truth!) and it's not the DCP job to try to discern between it all.

side note: maybe he found a "sugar mama" and the new gf is taking care of him. !

I disagree. Stay out of their personal business, it has nothing to do with you.

[blandino]

I disagree. Stay out of their personal business, it has nothing to do with you.

As far as the daycare goes, I am attempting to stay out of their personal business. But when DCM is a close friend, it is very hard to turn off that part of your brain and forget what you know when operating the daycare. Me, the daycare provider is trying to stay out of their personal business- me, the friend, can't stay out of their personal business.

That's why I asked you ladies for your input, since I felt like I was letting my personal feeling interfere, and wanted clarification.

[rmc20021]

IF the dcd is paying child support, then that is still considered as contributing to child care costs. IF both names are on your contract then you are obligated to both parents to communicate with each.

I wouldn't let their personal business affect your business. I would assume his name is on contract as well. It shouldn't matter which parent you are receiving the check from.

This is an area where personal and business has got to be separated or there could end up being hard feelings come from dcm as well...you know, like when your adult married daughter comes crying to you about their relationship with their husband, you become offensive towards the husband, they make up and everything you said about husband is now a thorn between you and daughter...and can lead to no contact with your daughter. Not worth it.

[blandino]

IF the dcd is paying child support, then that is still considered as contributing to child care costs. IF both names are on your contract then you are obligated to both parents to communicate with each.

I wouldn't let their personal business affect your business. I would assume his name is on contract as well. It shouldn't matter which parent you are receiving the check from.

This is an area where personal and business has got to be separated or there could end up being hard feelings come from dcm as well...you know, like when your adult married daughter comes crying to you about their relationship with their husband, you become offensive towards the husband, they make up and everything you said about husband is now a thorn between you and daughter...and can lead to no contact with your daughter. Not worth it.

No child support is being paid, but DCD is on the contract. I will keep doing what I was doing. I had hears posters in the past say that they picked a parent to be thee contact person with divorced parents, and I have never had to deal with this in almost 10 years, so we just weren't sure how to handle it. Thanks for your help.

[Starburst]

Depending on your state- as long as there is no legal documentation that says that she has full custody and that he cannot have contact with the child at daycare (like drop offs or visits during the day) and as long as DCD is not a threat to anyone on the child care property (like other DCKs or the provider/teachers and provider's family) there is really nothing you could do.

You could always just make sure that you give most of the DC information to mom (if she is the one who always picks up the kids and pays) and she could choose to let him know or not- but that would be up to her. And in cases of emergencies you could always try to call her first before calling the dad but unless she takes his name off the ECL and has a court issues legal document you will have to call him if you cannot reach her.

[Willow]

If they have a divorce decree, there is definitely an order for child support.

When I was going through mine I said I wanted NO support. Judge said no judge would grant a divorce with that stipulation unless dad was willing to sign over his rights. Literally sent us out in the middle of the hearing to figure out a financial agreement. Came back with $50 a month and he LAUGHED. Whipped out his calculator and ordered he at least pay the state required minimum based on his income (even fathers with no.income are given an ordered minimum). Child care expenses are included in that final number. Everything is.

Whether I choose to collect that ordered child support is my business, but there's no way she went through the legal divorce process and that wasn't nailed down.

In the divorce decree will also outline custody. If they share legal custody he has a right to talk to you and discuss all aspects of her care. If they share physical custody he has a right to pick her up and drop her off as well. That wouldn't be up for debate, he'd be entitled to that access according to the law.

[itlw8]

just because he does not pay for childcare does not mean he does not pay for childcare. I assume she gets child support. Often the childcare is figured into that amount. It all depends on what they agreed on. It could be she did not ask for child support AND paid childcare.

It is for the childs benefit that BOTH parents are involved in her life and have accurate information on her progress.

[blandino]

just because he does not pay for childcare does not mean he does not pay for childcare. I assume she gets child support. Often the childcare is figured into that amount. It all depends on what they agreed on. It could be she did not ask for child support AND paid childcare.

It is for the childs benefit that BOTH parents are involved in her life and have accurate information on her progress.

It's beside the point, but he does not pay any child support. And not in a deadbeat dad way, he wasn't ordered to pay any.

I would never hold information about a child's progress, I meant a contact person for paperwork/forms/ schedule changes/ etc. not info about the child.