Overnight care favor, what would you SAY?

[logged out]

I need advice,

I have a family who has attended a few years. Love them. Mom and dad having marriage issues which I hear way too much about but kids are awesome.

Last weekend I offered to trade weekend care (never done before) for some construction work on my house. Weve traded services before. Always been win win.

I initiated the trade and terms. Dad was on board but I made it clear he had to deal with wife about it up front. She was going to be out of town, didnt want her mad or annoyed or thinking we were trying to hide it. Dad cleared with mom and I even texted mom while kiddo was over. She said it was cool and was happy the kids played nicely.

So, today dcm looks up husbands texts online and sees he was texting me before she left.she accused him of horrible things with me saying she thinks we had planned this all along. We all use text as primary communication tool after hours or when schedules are changing so texting is very much the norm here. They are having issues in their marriage but hey, what the hell did I do? I feel like telling the wife to take her drama elsewhere. I am happily married and was at home with 4 kids having a sleepover. I did the guy a favor by watching the kid on a sat afternoon and overnight and even told him it had to be on up and up with wife beforehand because I dont need drama.

She texts me like normal today and even asks if something is up, asks if Iam having a bad day. I didnt answer but do feel like calling her out on it at pick up. I am an honest, no drama person and value honesty more than any other trait. I feel like I got burned, did a favor, and now this....

[sahm1225]

I'm missing something here. She has NOT said anything to you, right? Then how do you know she was upset? I'm not understanding how you got burned

[logged out]

Dcd dropped off late this am and shared all about mom interrogating him and accusing him of planning this before she left, saying just bed her already, you obviously are lying and doing this behind my back etc.

He was giving me a heads up that she had gone off deep end on him.

She hasnt said anythingto me about it but obviously is questioning both of our intentions. But to me she has been polite and two faced.

[just_peachy]

It's possible her two faced-ness isn't intentional. She's probably insecure an paranoid and touchy and sensitive because of all of their issues. She probably accuses him of doing it with the mailman too. Even though your name has been brought up, it truly has NOTHING to do with you. Definitely don't say anything. Ignorance (even if it's pretend) is bliss if you ask me.

Still... Awkward...! :hug:

[LittleD]

And it is also very possible he is lying/over exaggerating the event. Another possibility is she is just trying to fight with him and using you as the reason to be pissed. I went through this about a year ago. Both daycare parents were telling me "He said this..." or "She said this..."

If she hasn't said anything to you directly, let it go. Doesn't mean she doesn't trust you with her husband, it may be she doesn't trust his intentions towards you. In some marital fights nothing is sacred or off limits

[AfterSchoolMom]

I recommend that you stay out of it and give them some distance. Next time DCD tries to tell you personal info about his relationship, just tell him that you don't feel comfortable listening to it. I certainly wouldn't tell DCM that DCD told you anything, that would probably just make things worse, and you'd be smack in the middle of their fight. Let it go unless DCM approaches you directly. I'd also refrain from providing any services outside of your normal contract from now on.

[sahm1225]

I would recommend that you thread lightly.

1) the DCD is telling you all this stuff- how do you know it's true and not just him trying to see your reaction to the 'crazy scenario'?
2) you went out of your way to make sure the DCM knew about this set up/trade. Why? It's not your place to find out if the Dcd is talking to the Dcm
3) the Dcd seems like a jerk - first he plans on doing work at your place without telling his wife and then he tells you how crazy jealous she is about you. I get the impression that he's trying to test the waters with you, so I would be very careful.
4) since its all hearsay, I don't see how the Dcm has burned you or been two-faced
5) confronting the Dcm will get you nowhere even if Dcd is telling the truth. It will either add to her paranoia or make her think that you and Dcd talk about her behind her back.

Good luck, it's an odd situation to be in. And sorry, but I get the impression that Dcd is being a jerk by putting you in this situation

[Starburst]

If this is true it's possible that the mom has parinoid personality disorder, it's a type of anxiety disorder where you always think people are out to get you or people are always doing/saying something behind your back and it can lead to distrust of others (I should know ). It can either be caused by traumatic events or chemical imbalances in the brain (like depression and ocd). If they are having marriage issues this could be a reason. It sounds more like a distrust of her husband than of you, but I can see how you would get offended- she's trying to project her insecurities she is having with her husband on you and it's not right for her to accuse you of something you didn't do. If that is the case, she can't really help it much- its like a constant stream of thoughts rushing through your head and 1/2 the time you know that they are irrational or not true but you cant help to think 'what if it's true?' It's also a fear of being humilited or tricked. It's best to just try to avoid bringing it up as much as possible and if she keeps pressing this and actually says it to you then you can reassure her that you are happily married with your own kids who and that you care deeply about her kids and their well being and that you would never do anything that would hurt your husband and your kids or her and her kids.

But there is a chance the dad is taking things out of context or not telling it right or jumping to conclusions of his own. I always hear my mom on the phone trying to 'rephrase' something but the way she rephrases it annoys me because it always sounds like she is either trying to "juice it up" by making it sound more interesting or to tell it in a way that makes her look better. I espesually hate it when she tries to quote me but doesn't say what I actually said or rewords it to a point where it doesn't even closely resemble anything that I was saying.

[rmc20021]

Is it possible that while you had the child overnight that dcd was out for the night and THAT'S what dcm is really upset about? Maybe thinking you were in on him going out while she was away and it's easier for her to blame you than him? And maybe things went from that to her accusing him of being involved with you? I know when couples fight one thing can lead to another and the next thing you know it's allllllll blown out of proportion.

I'd definitely not say anything to her unless she says something to you, and I probably wouldn't exchange any services with him or have any type of contact with him other than business...childcare.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I'm honestly quite shocked at the way the DAD talked to you. The phrasing, the subject, etc. HOLY COW CROSSED BOUNDARY LINES!
I would not engage in anymore personal talk with him at all. It's either about the kids or nothing. Seriously, give him the kids, tell them good-bye, and walk away.

As for what the Mom is accusing the Dad of ... it has nothing to do with you. It really doesn't. You're not in their marriage and you really shouldn't know about any issues that are there anyways.