OT: Need Advice For My Own Kid And Preschool

[jenny31052]

My 3 and a half years old started preschool about 2 months ago. He goes two days a week, for 6 hrs each day. The preschool is a well known, kind of pricey franchised school, that we picked after visiting other 7 places. We liked it because of their program, and the teachers qualifications (and other little things..).

My son is normal preschooler that have his good and bad days, but he never had any major behavioral issues ( no biting, hitting, bad words or things like that...). He loves to help out whenever I'm doing something, he says please and thank you,he loves animals, he loves little babies, he loves to color, and build things, he is sweet and cuddly, and he is very smart. He has been around my daycare kids for the past two years, and other than the normal disagreements they have among them (sharing mostly..) I believe he is just a normal, very active boy... he was never a difficult baby either - cried very little, happy go lucky, that enjoyed his routine - slept through the night as soon as he was developmentally ready to do so, toilet trained quickly, and goes to sleep in his room without fussing...

For the past 3 weeks, each time I asked the assistant in his classroom how his day went, she said that he was either aggressive with the other kids (pushing, taking toys away, raising his voice..), or he was defiant, not listening to instructions, or bothering other kids during lunch... she also said that most of the boys in class are also "aggressive", which kind of made me feel better, but I'm getting concerned, and kind of tired of hearing that his days were not good each time I pick him up.

I asked her if he participates at the activities, and she said yes.. she also said that "they are just boys"...

This is my first experience in sending my kids to school, and I am now on the other side of the line, being told that my kid is not behaving well...
I talked to my husband (who just left for a deployment) and he said that most likely ha is just behaving like a boy, feeding off the behaviors of all the other kids..
I do not spank my son, nor I use aggressive manners, but I do expect his listening ears to be working when at home, so I do use time outs, and loss of privileges if he is not behaving.

I wonder if he sees the preschool environment as a place where he can do more of what he wants, because control freak Mom is not around... maybe I'm doing something wrong at home??

I don't think every kid is perfect, and I'm the first one to say that I'm not going to defend my son;he has his good days, and bad days, and after doing daycare for a while, I've seen a wide variety of behaviors from kids of all ages...

I think I just need advice, or an opinion...I don't know if I am over-reacting over normal boyish behavior..
Should I schedule a conference with his lead teacher?
Should I ask to remain in the classroom for a little bit to witness the behavior? or what may trigger the behavior?

I don't want to look like a parent that doesn't care, but honestly the past few times (including today..) I was so close to crying right there in front of the teacher, that I just grabbed him and walked out..

[MamaBearCanada]

I would talk to the lead teacher. I would want to know more specifics like
- what kind of situations does the aggressive behavior happen in
- is he being challenged and engaged in the activities offered
- are there outlets for him to burn off energy
- are there certain boys he is better/worse around


I would want to get an idea of whether the teachers knew my child or if they are lumping him together with other boys and excusing that kind of behavior with 'boys will be boys.' I would also want to get a sense of if any of his aggression is actually him just defending himself against other aggressive behavior or if it's because he's bored or not disciplined there.

Is he learning there? Is he happy? Or would he really be better at home with you (if that is an option)?

[Starburst]

Is this his first time in a daycare center (or away from you for long periods of time)? Is this his first time in a daycare with a large group of children his age?

How many other children are in his class? Children in larger crowds to tend to get a little bit carried away in that "mob frenzy". Espesually if they do not have enough of the one-on-one attention they need due to high ratios. Also remember that children act differently when their parents are not present.

Like MBC said it does seem like the teachers are pushing this behavior off as "typical boy behavior"; If the teachers are saying that this aggressive behavior is normal or that all the other boys in the class are acting that way then it could be that the teachers are not holding him (and the other boys) accountable enough for his actions and in a way encouraging this behavior by not correcting it- how will children what they are doing is not appropriate or okay if no one says anything? Do they consider it odd if a girl acts "agressive"? would they stop a girl if she was trying to be "one of the boys"?

Yes boys and girls do play differently and yes boys tend to rough house more than girls. But the word "agressive" (to me at least) seems to sound like it is actions that are based on a form of hostility that is present in the environment making the child act out in anger; which in this case it may be the other boys and he is acting that way because he notices the other boys get attention when they act that way and just wants more attention or maybe he wants to fit in with the other boys or maybe his is bored and doesn't know how to behave in this environment. Children pick up the energy of others very easily- espesually the energy of other children. Maybe talk to him and ask him about his school day and tell him "I hear you have been acting differently in school than you do at home..." and ask him what he has been doing in school and why he thinks he is acting this way. I would probably talk to the director/teachers about your concerns and ask them what they do when the children act this way and maybe let them know that you want to make sure that they correct your sons behavior when he does act this way. and if they don't or you don't hear much of an improvement after about a month or 2, I would suggest looking for another preschool- maybe one with a lower class room ratio.

[MyAngels]

I wonder if it could have anything to do with your DH being deployed? I'd definitely schedule a conference with the teacher to get more information and specifics.

Keep us posted.

[Unregistered]

Your son seems like a sweet little guy.

I taught preschool for several years, and I have some thoughts about your situation. Six hours (in my opinion) is a very long time for such a young child to be in a preschool setting, especially if he is expected to do teacher-directed activities (busywork) most of the day. Does he have plenty of time for free play? How much time do the children go outside? Do they have a big space to run around when they play indoors? If he is doing a lot of seat work and desk work like worksheets, I might attribute his behavior to that. 3 years old is very young for that.

I would go and observe the class and see how the teachers interact with the children. Do you get a feeling that they are learning and playing? Or are the teachers expecting too much out of the children developmentally? How do the teachers deal with challenging behavior? The fact that the assistant was so negative about boys makes me wonder if she has the skills needed to work with this age group. It would be unfair if your son learned from her that "boys are bad" or picked up on those negative stereotypes.

Good luck!

[MNMum]

I wonder if it could have anything to do with your DH being deployed? I'd definitely schedule a conference with the teacher to get more information and specifics.

Keep us posted.

I agree. his behavior probably has less to do with his environment at preschool or his upbringing, and more to do with the huge change of having dad leave. I wouldn't ignore the behavior by any means. Talk to the teacher, see what is going on. Have you had any support from the military? There are lots of books and CD's and things available. My kids were 2.5 and 6 when my husband left on a deployment. I can even see a change in behavior in my dck when their dad's are travelling for business for just a few days.

[Angelsj]

For the past 3 weeks, each time I asked the assistant in his classroom how his day went, she said that he was either aggressive with the other kids (pushing, taking toys away, raising his voice..), or he was defiant, not listening to instructions, or bothering other kids during lunch... she also said that most of the boys in class are also "aggressive", which kind of made me feel better, but I'm getting concerned, and kind of tired of hearing that his days were not good each time I pick him up.

I am going to take another tack here for a bit. Perhaps it is the teacher's attitude that needs adjusting. I agree, I would want a LOT more detail about this "aggression" but I would also be looking at the teacher's attitude toward boys in general. Boys are often more physical, and sometimes a teacher prefers the way "girls" act. The bolded part above makes me wonder if you have a teacher like this.

I would also look into the program in general. Is he getting enough physical time (outdoor or active time)? Are things designed to flow and balance with active time to quieter time, etc? Sometimes it is the flow of the program that sets kids up to fail, and not the kids that are the problem.
My point is, before getting too upset with my son or changing anything at home, I would want to know a lot more about the dynamics of the preschool.

[TheGoodLife]

My first thought was that it might have to do with your DH being deployed. It's so hard for kids that young (or even older people for that matter) to deal with a loss. They can't understand why Daddy isn't there. Does the timeline figure in for that? Otherwise perhaps he is mimicking the other boys' behaviors, or even that the teachers exaggerate the "boys" behavior a bit. :hug: Good luck in finding out what the cause is for the behavior and helping him overcome- he sounds like a wonderful child and you can tell from you post that you are a caring and supportive mom!!

[jenny31052]

Thanks everyone..

He is always excited about going to school, and he hasn't once whined about not wanting to go.. and he always said that he had fun when I pick him up -

They go outside for 30 minutes each day, and they have structured activities through out the mornings that are based on play, and they also have free play time.

He learned a lot these past two months, and he is always excited to show me what he learned (last week was a Spanish word that he kept repeating over and over..)

The days that he is there, the class has 4-5 boys, and 7-8 girls.

I think he acts more in response to the other kids behavior, and they feed off each others attitudes.

He pretty grow up in my home daycare setting, so the last thing I was expecting was this behavior happening in school. I thought that the experience of being with other kids of different ages at home would help him get adjusted quickly in pre-school.
But yet, there are lot more kids at school than at home...

His Dad being gone can definitely play a role in it, but my gut is telling me that is just the situation that makes me "misbehave".

I think that the school is a great school, with a great program, but I should definitely look into it...

I really want him to continue to go to pre-school - those two half-days are a life saver for me, so I can get school work done, but mostly, I think that they are beneficial for him...

[seebachers]

Many times when little ones get out from under the thumb of their parents (i.e. going to preschool), they find that they have "freedom" to explore who they are. Just like when kids go off to college. Sometimes they have an adjustment period because of all the "freedom". I bet the little guy is just in the process of developing his identity and is having a hiccup or two.

Just give him the time and space to grow. He most likely will settle down back in to the regular little man that you have helped to nurture so far.

[NeedaVaca]

You got a lot of great advice! If it were me I would definitely set up a day to observe the class...You could gain a lot of insight. If you are hearing negative things every time he goes then I would not hesitate to do this!