How to approach mom?

[jokalima]

I feel the same way as you about wanting to work as a team. I think all providers feel that way. Who wouldn't want to have the parents actually back us up when we have problems with a child, right? In a perfect world... Unfortunately this is daycare and not a perfect world. I have a parent that never even bothered to tell me that her husband deployed and I was watching her 4 year old son 5 days per week. I have been watching this child for over a year now and the parent just recently said she was going to court. When I asked why and really pushed it, I found out that the mom has a 2 year old child that a different dad has custody of and now she wants him back. I never knew any of this before. I still don't know how many kids this mom actually has or who the real father is to the child I watch. Some people are just more private by nature I suppose. I wouldn't push the issue. If she wanted to tell you, she would have. Atleast you were lucky enough to not be put into the middle of their problems. Thank your lucky stars for that! Some people just like to keep their relationship with their childcare provider more businesslike and less personal. You are right that the kids tend to do better and we can provide for them better when we know what their home life is like but it just isn't always possible. Best of luck to you!

And this is sad, because I believe that all of those who care for a child should now what happens in their lives so they can know how to deal with each situation. Like Black Cat said, I cannot say for sure the behavior is because of this exact thing, but the timing is just right for it to be related.

I had another family with divorced parents, Dad was my client, mom came to visit one day and started talking trash about dad, she started to question me why she could no pick child up, my agreement was with dad so I could not do anything about it. When she left I called and ask him if she could pick up, the reason I did it was because the situation was not clear, she was not in the list because she did not live in this state, but she came to visit and wanted to be able to pick up. Dad would not answer me, I kept pushing until I got a "no". I honestly felt I needed to know, because mom could have him for days and it was not an issue until mom came to me asking me if she could take him.

I really appreciate your answers, I really do, I was really unsure of what to do and now I have a different view of the situation. I did get a little upset ( not with you ) because I felt some of the other members were reading me in a way so far from what I really am.

Thanks!

[JLH]

You're welcome. Give the kids some extra hugs... when they're behaving of course! Best of luck to you!

[JLH]

By the way, that story about the dad saying the mom couldn't pick up the child is strange. I don't understand why he didn't say, "yes, but call me immediately anytime she ever picks him up so that I know". That way the mom would have felt empowered by being able to pick up the child. The dad would have avoided the akwardness of having to say, "no" and he would still know anytime the mom had the child. I mean, if he was going to let her have the child for days on end anyways... People can be so weird.

[jokalima]

It was really weird, because grandma ( from mom's side) could pick up, but not her daughter. I never asked him in the 1st interview because he said mom lived in another state and never comes here, grandma lives here so she can pick up. Mom decided to visit, she ask to meet me, Dad said he did not had a problem with that. Both grandma and mom started talking about that, how a bad father he was etc... Then she started to question me about picking up and that is when I was like :confused::confused::confused: So I called Dad, and the rest I told you earlier. It was really awkward but I needed to know, because it was completely confusing to me that mom could have him for days if grandma picked up but could not pick up. Parents...

Anyways, mom ( the original post one ) came to pick up and I said nothing.

[Starburst]

Honestly, I would just keep out of it. As long as the kids are okay and know that they can talk to you about their feelings if they need someone to talk to, then why bother? Also It is not their biological dad, and if they do know who their real dad I would say this is actually normal because I never liked my mom's on-again/off again bf growing up and I was happy every time they broke up and he wasn't living with us. Espescually if he yelled at their mom all the time; I think most 4 year olds would be glad that the mean man who yells at mommy is gone.

Also it may be seen as unprefessional by some parents to bring something like that up because the mom may see it as you were prying or "fishing" for information. Accoriding to the simplydaycare.com article on 'Keeping Daycare Parents Happy':

"Always respect the privacy of the families in your care. Do not gossip; it is not a good business practice. A child may tell you something about their home life that you have no right to know. Pretend you don't."

Not everything the child says has to be a conversation with the parents; as long as the child is happy and healthy there is no issue. Also remember that your daycare children have a right to privacy too- meaning that if they tell you something in confidence and as long as it doesn't put them or someone else in danger if you do not tell, then they have a right to tell you how they feel about something without feeling like you are going to tell their parents or break that trust. Also DCM may still be adjusting to her new situation and may want some time to clear her head and let this situation play out before feeling like she has to explain it. For some reason when people know someone broke up they always bumbard that person with questions- thinking they are being helpful but actually just making the person more depressed by having to repeat it over again and relive it when they are still healing. If she wants you to know or thinks you should know she will tell you herself.

And yes, parents and child care providers are a team; BUT, just like you have a life out of daycare and there are somethings in your life that aren't the parents or children's business, there are somethings that happen out of daycare in the child and the parent's life thats not your business.

[crunchymama]

I wouldn't mention it either unless he is listed as one of the pick-up people. Even then I would probably just ask her to update her list of emergency contacts and pick-up people, I wouldn't directly ask about her living situation as it's none of my business.

[MarinaVanessa]

It was really weird, because grandma ( from mom's side) could pick up, but not her daughter. I never asked him in the 1st interview because he said mom lived in another state and never comes here, grandma lives here so she can pick up. Mom decided to visit, she ask to meet me, Dad said he did not had a problem with that. Both grandma and mom started talking about that, how a bad father he was etc... Then she started to question me about picking up and that is when I was like :confused::confused::confused: So I called Dad, and the rest I told you earlier. It was really awkward but I needed to know, because it was completely confusing to me that mom could have him for days if grandma picked up but could not pick up. Parents...

Anyways, mom ( the original post one ) came to pick up and I said nothing.

PS on this family. If you did not have a custody order on file or none exists saying that DCM could not pick up and if DCM knew enough about the laws she could have simply called the police and come to your home and taken the child that way and there would be nothing you could do or the father for that matter. If you do have a copy of the order and if DCM does not have a right to pick the child up then you absolutely did the right thing. Caring for children of separated or divorced parents is always a slippery slope if you don't have a custody order .

[jokalima]

PS on this family. If you did not have a custody order on file or none exists saying that DCM could not pick up and if DCM knew enough about the laws she could have simply called the police and come to your home and taken the child that way and there would be nothing you could do or the father for that matter. If you do have a copy of the order and if DCM does not have a right to pick the child up then you absolutely did the right thing. Caring for children of separated or divorced parents is always a slippery slope if you don't have a custody order .

I did not have an order, but I was told by both parents that they had shared custody, 3 months one parent and 3 months the other parent something like that. Good to know thanks!