How to approach mom?

[jokalima]

I have been having some trouble with one 4 yr old dcg, talked to mom about it and well, did not get much from her. I have been doing my own thing with the girl and so far is working. My problem is, today the girls ( 2 sisters ) were talking, just random talk about stuff and they said something about how Dad closes the door to yell at mom so they could not hear, " but we still can hear it" she said. Then she kept talking and said something about dad finding a new home, I, in my innocence thought that they were buying a house, so I did ask her if it was that, she said no, she said that "Dad said that our house is just ours now" So I asked "what do you mean?" She said " Is only us 2 and mom, daddy is gone" So I asked her "So daddy is not living with you and mommy?" She said "No, he's gone, he said now is our house only" So I asked "So when you said that daddy was finding a new house is just for daddy then?" She said " Yes, mommy and us are staying at home"
So I proceed to talk about their feelings, asking them how they felt about this things that were happening at home, and I asked to the 3 almost 4 yr old "Do you feel sad because Daddy is not home anymore?" she said "No, I feel happy for mommy" "And I don't like Daddy when he is gone", so i asked the other one same question "Nope, I don't feel sad"

OK, thing is, Daddy is not real daddy, the real daddy lives with another lady, I don't even know real daddy, and this other one they call Daddy, I've seen once or twice. Should I believe a 4 almost 5 and 3 almost 4 yr old on this? I feel I should talk to mom about it but have no Idea on how to start. Now I look back, and I see this girl's behavior and so much trouble and it might have been this, if is true and mom was more open about it with me maybe i could have approach little girl in a different way, because I would have known what was happening and what was causing all this behavioral problems.

Again, should I talk to mom about it? How should I even start this conversation?

Thanks

[lefdaly711]

I would talk to mom about this. I would simply say that you wanted to talk to her about something that the kids were SAD about. She will not think youre over stepping your boundaries. She will hopefully appreciate you coming to her and letting her know the kids seemed "off" and that these things were said today. These little reports are not easy. I knew I wouldnt see a certain parent at pick up so I had to write the parent a note saying her daughter was calling her friends swear words. Good luck and just approach the parent in a "matter of fact" manner, not an "Im deeply concerned manner" b/c then the parent may just brush it off.

[butterfly]

I don't see the point of bringing this up to mom. To me, it would just look like you are fishing for information from her on something that really isn't your business. The kids aren't upset about it, so what would be the point to bring it up?

If you were having behavior issues, or safety concerns, etc. then it would warrant a conversation, but otherwise I wouldn't even go there.

[littlemissmuffet]

It depends on the parent if I would talk to them or not. In this particular situation, the kids don't seem to be negatively affected, so unless it was a mom that I really liked and I genuinely cared (I know that sounds bad, but I draw a very thick line between preofessional and personal) I wouldn't even mention a thing until she did.

If it was a mom I was really into, I would just say something like "The kids were talking about daddy moving out today, is everything ok?" and just let her take the convo over from there.

Because the kids don't seem affected and the "daddy" isn't someone you deal with on a regualr basis, I would leave it alone. I stay out of all relationship/marital issues until it affects my business relationship with a couple (i.e. payments, arguments at my home, talking badly about the other parent in front of child, etc).

[jokalima]

I don't see the point of bringing this up to mom. To me, it would just look like you are fishing for information from her on something that really isn't your business. The kids aren't upset about it, so what would be the point to bring it up?

If you were having behavior issues, or safety concerns, etc. then it would warrant a conversation, but otherwise I wouldn't even go there.

I am having behavior issues, like I said earlier i only talked about this to mom but thought it had to do with other things and it might. but at the same time, I honestly feel that the behavior issues that the girls are showing might be connected to this situation at home.

[MarinaVanessa]

I wouldn't bring it up either. It's none of my business. They could be separating or just taking some time off so I wouldn't waste my time. If I saw troubling behavior with either of the two girls then I would bring the behaviors up to mom and ask her if there are any major changes to their lives and ask how she would like to deal with the behaviors. That's it.

[butterfly]

I am having behavior issues, like I said earlier i only talked about this to mom but thought it had to do with other things and it might. but at the same time, I honestly feel that the behavior issues that the girls are showing might be connected to this situation at home.

Then I would talk to her about the behaviors, not the conversation you had with the kids.

[littlemissmuffet]

I am having behavior issues, like I said earlier i only talked about this to mom but thought it had to do with other things and it might. but at the same time, I honestly feel that the behavior issues that the girls are showing might be connected to this situation at home.

Do you know when the dad moved out? Maybe the 4yo was acting out when the dad was still living with them because mom/dad were fighting/yelling? And now that he's gone she will get back to her old self?

Not all kids are badly affected when parents split up/move into seperate homes. I wasn't. The bad part was BEFORE they divorced and were fighting all the time.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I don't see the point of bringing this up to mom. To me, it would just look like you are fishing for information from her on something that really isn't your business. The kids aren't upset about it, so what would be the point to bring it up?

If you were having behavior issues, or safety concerns, etc. then it would warrant a conversation, but otherwise I wouldn't even go there.

This is how I feel.

[sahm1225]

I wouldn't say anything. It's none of your business. The mom has chosen to not share that with you, and must know that the behavior issues are probably tied to what was happening. I personally would feel that you overstepped your boundaries if you brought it up to the mom.

The dcg both said they were happy, so there's no issue there. Continue to work on the behavior issues as you were.

Put yourself in the moms shoes - how would you feel if someone asked you about your personal & private matters?

[rmc20021]

I wouldn't even go there...if she had wanted you to know any of it, she would have told you what she wanted you to know. I'm sure she's aware the kids may talk.

Now that you're aware, just deal with the kids the best you are capable of doing and let mom deal with her relationship issues. I'd bring up situations about the childs behaviors that arises, but other than that, I'd stay out of it unless she brings it up herself.

[Blackcat31]

Unless this information DIRECTLY affects the care you are giving the children, I would NOT mention it.

It isn't any of anyone else's business and if the DCG is having any sort of behavioral issues, I would discuss those (and only that) with the mom.

You can't be positive the behavior issues are related to this new living situation.

[jokalima]

Thanks, good thing I asked...

The only thing that does bother me is that this behavioral issues were really bad, it has calm down a little bit and I think it might be with Dad not being home now. I don't agree with most of you in one thing, I believe we are a team, meaning the families and us, and as a team we need to work together in behalf of the children. When I was in DCC the families kept the teacher updated with any changes at home, this because usually those changes do create issues with the behavior of the children. When I approached mom about the issues here in school, my concerns were not taken seriously, I was left to deal with the situation by my own basically and did things that I would have done differently if we ( mom, special ed teacher, not her teacher btw and I ) would have not put a label on this child's issues when they were probably related to this things going on @ home. This person is authorized to pick up, maybe she forgot about it and did not take him out of the list, even though he has never picked them up before, what if he does come to pick them up? OK he is on the list, but I would feel terrible letting them go with him, and I will have to, so that's another reason I feel there needs to be more communication between parents and providers.

It is not me trying to be nosy, get in to other's business or stuff like that. That does not represent me at all. I am coming from a place of concern and believing in team work between families and providers. The smaller one is showing during this past 2 weeks the same behavioral issues that I've been working with the older one. It will help a lot for me to know more of what affects a child that I care for, for me to think that a child is wining for no reason and being difficult for no apparent reason when there is a definite reason is not a good thing. And I honestly appreciate your answers and I can see things in a different way, that what the forum is about. But sometimes some of the comments come through a little bit harsh and that I do not appreciate.

[Blackcat31]

Thanks, good thing I asked...

The only thing that does bother me is that this behavioral issues were really bad, it has calm down a little bit and I think it might be with Dad not being home now. I don't agree with most of you in one thing, I believe we are a team, meaning the families and us, and as a team we need to work together in behalf of the children. When I was in DCC the families kept the teacher updated with any changes at home, this because usually those changes do create issues with the behavior of the children. When I approached mom about the issues here in school, my concerns were not taken seriously, I was left to deal with the situation by my own basically and did things that I would have done differently if we ( mom, special ed teacher, not her teacher btw and I ) would have not put a label on this child's issues when they were probably related to this things going on @ home. This person is authorized to pick up, maybe she forgot about it and did not take him out of the list, even though he has never picked them up before, what if he does come to pick them up? OK he is on the list, but I would feel terrible letting them go with him, and I will have to, so that's another reason I feel there needs to be more communication between parents and providers.

It is not me trying to be nosy, get in to other's business or stuff like that. That does not represent me at all. I am coming from a place of concern and believing in team work between families and providers. The smaller one is showing during this past 2 weeks the same behavioral issues that I've been working with the older one. It will help a lot for me to know more of what affects a child that I care for, for me to think that a child is wining for no reason and being difficult for no apparent reason when there is a definite reason is not a good thing. And I honestly appreciate your answers and I can see things in a different way, that what the forum is about. But sometimes some of the comments come through a little bit harsh and that I do not appreciate.

You are right....DCP's and the providers ARE a team but the information you are looking to discuss is Mom's to bring up to you NOT for you to mention to her. She can tell you if she feels she needs or wants to.

You also have no proof or concrete evidence that the behaviors are related to the dad being gone/absent from the home. You can speculate but you don't actually know that.

Talking with mom about the behaviors only will be enough of a window for mom to tell you about any changes at home IF she wishes to do so or if she feels the behaviors are in deed related to the home situation.

[JLH]

I feel the same way as you about wanting to work as a team. I think all providers feel that way. Who wouldn't want to have the parents actually back us up when we have problems with a child, right? In a perfect world... Unfortunately this is daycare and not a perfect world. I have a parent that never even bothered to tell me that her husband deployed and I was watching her 4 year old son 5 days per week. I have been watching this child for over a year now and the parent just recently said she was going to court. When I asked why and really pushed it, I found out that the mom has a 2 year old child that a different dad has custody of and now she wants him back. I never knew any of this before. I still don't know how many kids this mom actually has or who the real father is to the child I watch. Some people are just more private by nature I suppose. I wouldn't push the issue. If she wanted to tell you, she would have. Atleast you were lucky enough to not be put into the middle of their problems. Thank your lucky stars for that! Some people just like to keep their relationship with their childcare provider more businesslike and less personal. You are right that the kids tend to do better and we can provide for them better when we know what their home life is like but it just isn't always possible. Best of luck to you!