How To Handle Him?

[MotherNature]

This is long-sorry. I have been caring for a DCB for 6 months now. He'll be 3 next month. Ever since the get go, I've had some problem behaviours from him & was clear to DCM about how I deal with the behaviour here & asked what she does at home. I distract & redirect to a proper activity & discuss that "We don't it. We don't push. Hands are for playing/hugging. etc..." DCM chuckled nervously & said, "well, I can't really control him. He acts like a turd sometimes so I try ignoring him or we just tell him no..i.e. no hitting. No pushing, etc." Okaaayy.. so we're kinda on the same wavelength here & I tell her we need to work together on consistency, b/c at his age, it's normal behaviour, but we need to teach him & model proper behaviours & social etiquette through play & our actions. She's a single mom & there's 3 other roommates as well. Anyway, it's 6 months later & daily, he's hitting, or snatching toys, or pushing. He does this thing where the other child, who happens to be my son (maybe why I'm so sensitive to this behaviour) will be someplace, like staring out the window, & DCB will come over and crowd him out by leaning into him & stretching his arms out to take out all the space. He's a full year older than F, my son & a head taller, 10 lbs heavier. He claims everything is his, which I know it's normal, but it's driving me nuts. He tries pushing my son off my lap & crowding him off me. I figure he just wants the attention, but when I try to snuggle him while reading, he pushes me away. It's like he just doesn't want anyone to get something, even if he doesn't want it. There's been plenty of times another child has been using something & he'll stop what he's doing, run over, grab the item, & as I watched, push it behind the fake fireplace or try stuffing it down a floor vent! Just cruel, it seems. He also has zero interest in potty training. I'll ask him if he pooped, & where he used to tell me the truth, now he'll lie about it. He would rather sit in a poopy diaper than stop playing for 30 seconds to get it changed. He drools a bit & his speech is getting less clear. Other 3 year olds I know are super clear and have an extensive vocabulary. DCB is very hard to understand. Even his mom admits she frequently can't understand him. I was worried he may need some speech help, so I gave DCM the info for our county's free and awesome early intervention program, as we used it for our son once b/c he was a preemie & late walker. I told her it was a great program, completely free, they'd come to you, etc...but you have to use them before he turns 3. She never called them.. Sigh. He also refuses to look at you when you discipline him. You can turn his chin towards you & he'll start hitting & screaming. When I'm telling him 'We don't hit, etc.." he looks away and ****s in his lower lip to chew on it. Every single time. I've tried a time out chair. He'll sit in it, but he refuses to actually say sorry or look at you or acknowledge any misbehaviour. Today, he knocked my son over & pushed him hard & then hit him in the face w/ a toy. My son cried for several minutes. DCB would not say sorry, wouldn't look at me or my son, & kept trying to get the toy I took away. I have no idea what to do, as he's allowed to get away with whatever at home. Am I doing something wrong? This is daily & my son has gotten several lumps & bruises from this kid. I know some of this behaviour is totally normal, but after 6 months of the same routine, shouldn't he get it a bit? Or look at me when I'm disciplining? ( I read somewhere kids look away because they're ashamed of their bad actions, & I've tried to be understanding about this, but at what point does he say sorry, or acknowledge his wrong?) Thanks, if you're still reading this. BTW, I'm not adament he say sorry. I've only tried that a couple times just to see if he would..I don't think he understands that concept, but he's got to understand the cause & effect of hurting others.

[NeedaVaca]

First, it's not too late for DCM to call for help. Even though the birth -3 program is past his age they can go to the local school, they will get the evaluation for free there too and if needed he will receive free therapy too!

If this behavior is daily then it's time to put a stop to it. Time for him to be your shadow. I think he should start earning back privileges. Instead of letting him play & then watching him get out of control everyday, he can be at your side all day and not playing like all the other kids. He will soon learn that it's no fun, slowly give him a toy to play with by your side and more privileges as he proves to you he can follow the rules.

If you can't put a stop to this behavior then you should term, you don't want to see your son getting hurt/bullied everyday (nor the other DCK's). It's not fair for any of them to feel unsafe and you could lose great families over this.

[Willow]

This is long-sorry. I have been caring for a DCB for 6 months now. He'll be 3 next month. Ever since the get go, I've had some problem behaviours from him & was clear to DCM about how I deal with the behaviour here & asked what she does at home. I distract & redirect to a proper activity & discuss that "We don't it. We don't push. Hands are for playing/hugging. etc..." DCM chuckled nervously & said, "well, I can't really control him. He acts like a turd sometimes so I try ignoring him or we just tell him no..i.e. no hitting. No pushing, etc." Okaaayy.. so we're kinda on the same wavelength here & I tell her we need to work together on consistency, b/c at his age, it's normal behaviour, but we need to teach him & model proper behaviours & social etiquette through play & our actions. She's a single mom & there's 3 other roommates as well. Anyway, it's 6 months later & daily, he's hitting, or snatching toys, or pushing. He does this thing where the other child, who happens to be my son (maybe why I'm so sensitive to this behaviour) will be someplace, like staring out the window, & DCB will come over and crowd him out by leaning into him & stretching his arms out to take out all the space. He's a full year older than F, my son & a head taller, 10 lbs heavier. He claims everything is his, which I know it's normal, but it's driving me nuts. He tries pushing my son off my lap & crowding him off me. I figure he just wants the attention, but when I try to snuggle him while reading, he pushes me away. It's like he just doesn't want anyone to get something, even if he doesn't want it. There's been plenty of times another child has been using something & he'll stop what he's doing, run over, grab the item, & as I watched, push it behind the fake fireplace or try stuffing it down a floor vent! Just cruel, it seems. He also has zero interest in potty training. I'll ask him if he pooped, & where he used to tell me the truth, now he'll lie about it. He would rather sit in a poopy diaper than stop playing for 30 seconds to get it changed. He drools a bit & his speech is getting less clear. Other 3 year olds I know are super clear and have an extensive vocabulary. DCB is very hard to understand. Even his mom admits she frequently can't understand him. I was worried he may need some speech help, so I gave DCM the info for our county's free and awesome early intervention program, as we used it for our son once b/c he was a preemie & late walker. I told her it was a great program, completely free, they'd come to you, etc...but you have to use them before he turns 3. She never called them.. Sigh. He also refuses to look at you when you discipline him. You can turn his chin towards you & he'll start hitting & screaming. When I'm telling him 'We don't hit, etc.." he looks away and ****s in his lower lip to chew on it. Every single time. I've tried a time out chair. He'll sit in it, but he refuses to actually say sorry or look at you or acknowledge any misbehaviour. Today, he knocked my son over & pushed him hard & then hit him in the face w/ a toy. My son cried for several minutes. DCB would not say sorry, wouldn't look at me or my son, & kept trying to get the toy I took away. I have no idea what to do, as he's allowed to get away with whatever at home. Am I doing something wrong? This is daily & my son has gotten several lumps & bruises from this kid. I know some of this behaviour is totally normal, but after 6 months of the same routine, shouldn't he get it a bit? Or look at me when I'm disciplining? ( I read somewhere kids look away because they're ashamed of their bad actions, & I've tried to be understanding about this, but at what point does he say sorry, or acknowledge his wrong?) Thanks, if you're still reading this. BTW, I'm not adament he say sorry. I've only tried that a couple times just to see if he would..I don't think he understands that concept, but he's got to understand the cause & effect of hurting others.

I've had a couple of kids like this.

In my experience it's due completely to passive parenting and lack of consistency at home. If you need to keep this kiddo or really want to work with him you need to make the differences between home and your home STARK. If he can't handle free play take it away. If he can't handle playing with other kids directly take that away. If he can't handle interacting with other kids guide him literally every step of the way. Take back the control and don't give him a millimeter.

The next time he gets deliberately pester-y ask him to choose a toy and then give him his own space to play in away from everyone else. Let him know because he chose not to be a good friend he isn't allowed to be near the others for a little while. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat into infinity. Every single time he pushes the line with another child he is removed from group play and while he can play in the same room as the others direct interaction is cut off for a time.

You need to counter his relentless bad behavior with relentless regaining of control.

ONLY acknowledge good behavior and be prepared to stay the course. If he does something warranting a time out don't make a big deal out of it. Just pick him up and sit him down away from the group. Don't turn his chin so he looks at you, simply ask that he does so you can talk about what happened and if refuses tell him "bummer, then you don't get to return to the group!" and walk away for a few minutes. Repeat repeat repeat. That's completely disrespectful and unacceptable for a child his age. You ask him to look at you so you can talk about what happened, and if he doesn't let him know then he's choosing to stay sitting there for the time being. Frankly, I'd have no problem holding out the entire day if need be. When it comes to a battle of wills if you choose to toe the line with a kiddo you have to be prepared to stick it out until you win or it'll give them the impression they can get away with murder if they remain resistant or defiant for long enough.

Not only does he sit there until he relinquishes control but *HE CHOOSES* to sit there until he apologizes for his behavior. Make sure emphasize to him and mom that he is in complete control of how his day goes. It's up to him who he plays with and when, but it's no longer an option to hurt others physically or emotionally and there will be consequences for that.

If this interferes with meals, snacks or naptimes you can sit him down to eat or sleep, and then right back to the spot you began the battle.

If he hurts someone with a toy you remove it completely but keep it in sight. I'd offer frequent reminders that it's such a bummer it's up on the shelf because he used it inappropriately. Hopefully next time he makes better choices and doesn't hurt friends with it so it won't be taken away again.

If it's a favorite toy of your group I'd let them play with it but not him and let him know the reason why he's not allowed to touch it is because he used it inappropriately. If he throws a fit about that tough beans. Remove him until he settles and can discuss his outburst with you just the same.


Right now he doesn't want attention, he's seeking control. Having control is what he knows and there is comfort in familiarity. He's doing what he knows and what works.

You need to rock that idea of the world right out of him if he's ever going to improve.

[MotherNature]

hmmm-good ideas guys, thanks! I was worried that he was too young to understand consequences at just shy of 3, but I have friends with kids only a couple months older than him & they are way more mature. I worry his verbal skills are poor, but he can babble on about some crap. I'm getting that all he does is watch TV at home. He'll ask to watch Star Wars, Harry Potter, Spongebob, Nacho Libre, some anime. Hey, I love the first 2 but they're not appropriate for a 3 yr old. His mom also sends him here with Starbursts for breakfast (Sorry..he didn't eat.. hahaha) ugh..is that why he's still in his AM diaper too? & lets him stay up til past midnight. (She gets off work by 6...so really, there's no excuse for that.) She laughs off suggestions & I'm really regretting taking him, but he's my only kid right now. As soon as I get another, I'm terming pretty sure. He could be a sweet kid, but she even told me that everyone quits after a month or so. Yeah, because Mom has no freaking follow through! I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. Thanks for letting me rant. I'll put some of these ideas into practice tomorrow.