I Really Really Need Some Advise On This

[tenderhearts]

I think I posted a while back about a 3 yr old dcb who has been with me for a little over a year. He has become VERY sensitive and is VERY clingly to me, always in my face, always wants whatever I've said or done with another child done or said to him if I don't he cries. I have tried all sorts of things but nothing is working, he just goes and sits and pouts, and then will keep asking am I a good boy over and over even if I say yes. Like today one of my 2 yr olds was coloring very well staying in the lines and I said oh xx what a great job you're coloring very nicely. Right away other boy says what about me? am I doing a good job? I said yes everyone is, but he wont stop he'll keep asking and asking like he's waiting for me to say exactly what I did to the other boy. He's like this ALL day long, constantly wanting reassurance, or he'll ask me something when he sees and knows what I'm doing, such as I'll be feeding the baby and he'll ask, are you feeding the baby? and I always so what do you think? He's a very sweet loving boy but he's the same as my dog, follows me around constantly, him trying to hang on me. I have ALWAYS been very good at praising all the kids equally and not singling anyone out. Now it's gotten increasingly worse over the last couple of months. Mom and I have been talking about how he is constantly on her, climbing on her for attention, like if they are out with other people, she says she knows she shouldn't constantly coddle him and hubby says she needs to stop so I don't know if he's trying to toughin him up (her words) and he's feeling something from it or if it's due to mom constantly babying him. He always screams and whines the minute he sees her.
I just don't know what else I can do. I really need some ideas....please

[Willow]

If you don't know much about it google up anxious/preoccupied attachment.

The kiddo unfortunately sounds textbook


It's the result of a child having inconsistent reactions from their caregivers - which is in line with dad's conflict with him being "babied" and mom's conflict with dad wanting to "toughen him up." It's undoubtedly sending the kiddo super conflicting messages because without question it's yielding some super conflicting parenting styles at home.

In short, he has no clue what hat you're going to wear (that unknown is scary and anxiety producing which leads to emotional instability) and no clue how to respond to you (which is where the need for constant feedback is coming from)

[tenderhearts]

Thank you, I'll look it up, I haven't heard of it before. You would think after a year he would know how I react to things, I do not "baby" children but I do praise all children and equally give love and attention to everyone, so I don't know, it's just frustrating and I feel bad for him but I also don't want to give into every singel insecurity either because I feel like I'm only feeding it more to him like he'll always "need" it from me, if that makes sense. Hopefully I can get some information on this. thanks

[cheerfuldom]

I agree with Willow. I was going to post about it being an attachment thing to. the parents have created an anxious child that needs constant reassurance. the extreme shifts from toughening him up to babying him has him confused about how he should feel. he is insecure and now addicated to that constant reassurance that what he is doing in the moment is okay. definite confidence issues.

[tenderhearts]

So I briefly looked up a couple of things and exactly as willow said, he's textbook of being this, poor boy. But it doesn't really say how to "help" him with this. I mean I can only do so much here. Mom is definetly aware of his sensitivity and how she babies him and lets him walk all over her and how to allows the whining, but she said its hard not to coddle him and she said people always tell her she's going to have nothing but problems but she just seems to shrug it off. He doesn't ask for reassurance with mom at least that I ever hear, their pickups are very quick, because apparently before he started coming here over a year ago because of how he would start crying and screaming when mom came the provider told her it needed to be quick pickup due to it interrupting the other children. Anyways he's just very whiny and will ask to be held and she will and he's not a small boy. I just don't know how to help him if its just me.

[Willow]

Unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do to fix attachment. The fallout (his behavior) needs to be addressed by a professional (child behaviorist) and the underlying cause (mom and dads differing approaches) resolved before he's going to be able to make any real positive progress.

If this were my kiddo and family I'd tell them they need to get an attachment/behavior eval done because I suspect attachment issues. I'd provide literature to explain why I felt that way. Then I'd let them know they can get in touch with a qualified professional via their sons pediatrician or by inquiring at a mental health facility.

I would not mince words. The damage is done and obviously deep but the extent of how it's going to subsequently effect him the rest of his life is still completely in their hands. If nothing is done this will cripple the way he processes and relates to the world indefinitely.

It's not something he will grow out of nor is it something they can fix on their own.


If they didn't get him the help he needed I'd terminate.

[tenderhearts]

Oh wow, I'm so not good at things like that, I know it's best for him though. In the mean time while I talk with parents, how much reassurance do I give him, each time he needs it? I feel like since it's constant (only when other kids are around, he's not like that with me when no other kids are around), that if I baby and reassure each small thing, such as if I say oh xx you did a great job staying in the lines and this boy pipes up with was I good? am I a good boy do I ignore it or say yes?

[Willow]

Oh wow, I'm so not good at things like that, I know it's best for him though. In the mean time while I talk with parents, how much reassurance do I give him, each time he needs it? I feel like since it's constant (only when other kids are around, he's not like that with me when no other kids are around), that if I baby and reassure each small thing, such as if I say oh xx you did a great job staying in the lines and this boy pipes up with was I good? am I a good boy do I ignore it or say yes?

It's such a complicated thing to try to address on your end, I know exactly how frustrating it can be first hand.....how you proceed with him though will need to be sorted out via that professional. Reassuring him may fuel his belief that the world is indeed as unpredictable and as scary as he perceives it, while ignoring the behaviors could solidify his idea that he cannot depend on his caregivers for assistance and emotional support.

Choose wrong and you could end up pushing him into more trouble

[tenderhearts]

That's exactly what i was thinking. I am going to try and do more research and see what I can find. From what I gather from his mom as of right now, she would not be open to what I have to say, sounds like she knows she needs/should do but I don't think she knows of this extent, she knows knows whatever she's doing will have consequences. But even if she's not open to it, terming him I think would be even more detromental to him.

[cheerfuldom]

this is mom and dads deal to fix. he's not doing it when it is just you and him because he is getting what he really needs at that point.....one on one attention from an adult that is capable of calmly handling each issue as it arises. he gets his reassurance by seeing you capable and and confident. he doesnt see this at home. he is nervous and bewildered by his parents actions and is constantly having to figure out what is happening. its scary when you are a preschooler and essentially in charge. kids are not wired to be able to handle that.

if one last discussion does not result in some action by the parents with a plan of how to progress in the future, i would term. there is nothing else you can do to get the parents attention and hopefully terming will get it. i understand your compassion for him but you are dealing with group care here. you cannot let him **** resources and attention from all the other kids. its his parents responsibility to address this, not yours. keeping him when the parents do nothing is not going to result in any changes for him in your care.....more than likely it will escalate to other attention seeking behaviors.