passive aggressive dcm

[My3cents]

This is unbelievable! I would be spitting nails if the mom rolled her eyes like that and fake whispered such a horrible thing to her child. And to stay so long and sit on your couch? I don't even know how that happens! I'm sorry you're in this situation. You HAVE to stop it. If you can't afford to term immediately, at least start seriously enforcing boundaries and calling her out. Force her out or term her but I don't foresee this being a salvagable relationship at all.

I would tell her unless she has a background check and is employed with you then she is not able to stay for more then a quick drop off and pick up. Licensing does not allow this, and she needs to go. If she needs guidance on parenting give her the names of some local support groups for this and mention services, she can look into. She might be having a hard time with her little herself and looking to you for guidance (not your job)

[My3cents]

And it is hard to call someone out on rolling their eyes n whispering to their child. I know she did it but if she will deny. She wants me to see n hear these things so why not just discuss?

She is picking up on your insecurities and knows that your not going to say anything to her because she can sense your meekness in the moment. Call her bluff.

If you can't talk to her- write it all out and give it to her at pick up time.

Advertise for kids, but take some classes and be ready to do this in a new more empowering way

I am not trying to be harsh but you need to grow a back bone if your going to stay in this line of work or you will just be walked all over- and wishy washy can create a bad name for all providers. I truly wish you the best and hope you grow, you have a great sense of caring and you will make a wonderful provider you just gotta get a little tuff. Not easy for even seasoned providers at times.lovethis

[hope]

see, I would take the opposite approach. It really sounds to me like she misses here child, wishes she could be a SAHM, and isn't dealing with it at all. It is passive-aggressive, but I wouldn't assume she's doing it consiously. Of course, I haven't met her, so you'd know better. My tendency is to figure out what is causing the behavior first, if possible. I certainly wouldn't let it keep bugging you, though.

I'd call her in for a meeting and lay the cards on the table. "you seem to be having a really hard time with this whole working mom thing, staying long at drop off, worrying that dcg is sad, and hanging around here alot. I've tried to hint that this is a problem because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I've got to be honest. How can I help to make this all easier, or do you need to figure out something else?"

We may be childcare providers, but we are also part shrink, part community resource worker, part marraige counselor, and whole lot more.

You make a great point. She has said many times that she wishes she was a SAHM. She does want the child to b sad. I do send many pictures throughout the day n the child is all smiles. I'm sure it is hard for her. Many parents feel this way n have to work through it. I like the idea of approaching the subject this way bc it really does address the core of the problem.

[daycarediva]

see, I would take the opposite approach. It really sounds to me like she misses here child, wishes she could be a SAHM, and isn't dealing with it at all. It is passive-aggressive, but I wouldn't assume she's doing it consiously. Of course, I haven't met her, so you'd know better. My tendency is to figure out what is causing the behavior first, if possible. I certainly wouldn't let it keep bugging you, though.

I'd call her in for a meeting and lay the cards on the table. "you seem to be having a really hard time with this whole working mom thing, staying long at drop off, worrying that dcg is sad, and hanging around here alot. I've tried to hint that this is a problem because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I've got to be honest. How can I help to make this all easier, or do you need to figure out something else?"

We may be childcare providers, but we are also part shrink, part community resource worker, part marraige counselor, and whole lot more.

I have a dcm who I had to lay down the law with. Every time her child was dropped off she spent 10 minutes talking about how she wished she could be home with him. dcb wasn't upset until she SAID that. It was TERRIBLE. If dcb had a rough night at home, that was somehow connected to something that happened at my house earlier in the day. Commence texting and phone calls. She even went as far as saying dcb wasn't happy here. Um, please look at the thousands of pictures of him happy as can be! He is one of those kids who isn't bothered much to be separated from Mom. He NEVER cries, he NEVER mentions her at ALL. I finally told her that. "Dcm I believe that dcb is happy and flourishing here, I believe it is you who is unhappy. Dcb never cries at all, or even asks for you. He is a well adjusted, happy, outgoing little guy who enjoys his friends and independence. We need to stop these morning guilt trips as it is harmful to dcb."

Mom's face=

It never happened again, and it was never discussed. Dcb continues to be happy here and dcm keeps her unhappiness about that to herself.

[Heidi]

You make a great point. She has said many times that she wishes she was a SAHM. She does want the child to b sad. I do send many pictures throughout the day n the child is all smiles. I'm sure it is hard for her. Many parents feel this way n have to work through it. I like the idea of approaching the subject this way bc it really does address the core of the problem.

Yeah, I really think a little empathy could go a long way. It also saves you from having to take the dreaded "bad guy" approach. You can always go to that if you have to.

I just know how hard it was to put my first child into daycare...which is how I ended up being a dcp myself. I can totally empathize with her...most of us can. Doesn't mean she gets to be a jerk about it, though...

[Lawson2]

I am a nanny who is in the works of opening a home daycare, so I don't fully understand how difficult it is to keep/ term a family. I just have to say that life is too short to be dealing with the issues of this woman- unless you are able to put her in her place. This woman's child is going to eventually pick up on her behavior and have anxiety herself!
Before I had my child I would nanny for crazy families. I was younger and didn't know any better. I wasted so much time stressing over other people's problems. Now I nanny part-time for 4 very normal families- and I couldn't be happier! I weeded every one else out. Unless you are really stuck and need the money, I wouldn't give this woman the time of day.
Also- I know every situation isn't perfect, but as someone else said above, this is something that is totally uncalled for. I can't stand people like the lady you are describing. I have been there/ done that. Surround yourself with people who respect you. She seems like the type that only cares about herself....

[cheerfuldom]

Alot of times moms that want to be SAHMs take their frustrations out on the daycare provider, not entirely intentional. They WANT their child to be sad and crying for mom. That makes them feel that they are missed and cant be replaced. They feel like they need to micromanage the provider as a way to say "see, I am still in touch with my child and her needs. No one else can take care of her like me but I will micro manage and try to get it as close as possible but no one will ever be good enough"

I promise, she doesnt completely realize how she is coming across because she isnt thinking of you at the moment, or even her child, she is feeding a need to be needed, if that makes sense.

Talk it out with her and set some boundaries. You can be gentle without getting run over.

"Kristy, for this daycare scenario to work, I really need you to trust my care of little Jamie. When you observe for hours every week and ask so many questions of me that have been answered over and over, it makes me feel that you dont trust my care of Jamie. Also, I can promise you that Jamie is just fine here. She doesnt cry during the day and she isnt traumatized by being in daycare. But I feel that from your comments about her being sad, that you dont trust that I am telling you the truth. Can you change to trust my care of Jamie? or would you like to put in your two weeks notice and begin looking for someone that you can trust? If you remain with my daycare, you have to abide by the pickup and drop off policy and you have to be aware of how your comments can be very critical of me. Either you want to make this work or you dont. Which is it?"

[melilley]

She is picking up on your insecurities and knows that your not going to say anything to her because she can sense your meekness in the moment. Call her bluff.

If you can't talk to her- write it all out and give it to her at pick up time.

Advertise for kids, but take some classes and be ready to do this in a new more empowering way

I am not trying to be harsh but you need to grow a back bone if your going to stay in this line of work or you will just be walked all over- and wishy washy can create a bad name for all providers. I truly wish you the best and hope you grow, you have a great sense of caring and you will make a wonderful provider you just gotta get a little tuff. Not easy for even seasoned providers at times.lovethis

That is so true...she is picking up on her insecurities! I had a mom kind of like that and also the grandma and one day I finally found my backbone and was straightforward with them. AND SURPRISE, from that day on I didn't hear another word. She even invited me to the dkb's birthday party! It pays to not let them run over you. If you let them do it, they will! Now I hope I have that backbone forever!

[Lucy]

Do any of you watch a show on The Disney Channel called "Good Luck Charlie" ? There's an episode where the mom is mentally preparing herself to take her toddler to preschool for the first time. She just KNOWS the girl is going to cry, scream, and grab at her legs, begging her not to leave her there.

Well, secretely, she WANTS all that to happen. When the day comes, the girl simply trots happily into the classroom and never gives mom a second glance. The mom is devastated. The second day, the mom bends down and tells the girl, "It's ok to be sad. You can cry if you need to." Or something similar. The girl happily goes into the classroom again, and Mom is even more down in the dumps. She thinks that she and the child must not have bonded well enough because if they had, the girl surely would've been inconsolable at the thought of leaving Mommy for the day!

I couldn't find a video of the whole episode, but I found this great synopsis of it: http://www.examiner.com/article/char...amazing-gracie . It also has 5 tips on how to survive the first day. Now, I realize the OP was not referring to a "first day" scenario, but the tips fit this situation nonetheless. One of them is that you (the mom) shouldn't make the day about YOU. Hold your tears (mom's) and don't let the child see that you are sad or upset. Great advice, and fits for the mom in the OP's situation.

[Bookworm]

Do any of you watch a show on The Disney Channel called "Good Luck Charlie" ? There's an episode where the mom is mentally preparing herself to take her toddler to preschool for the first time. She just KNOWS the girl is going to cry, scream, and grab at her legs, begging her not to leave her there.

Well, secretely, she WANTS all that to happen. When the day comes, the girl simply trots happily into the classroom and never gives mom a second glance. The mom is devastated. The second day, the mom bends down and tells the girl, "It's ok to be sad. You can cry if you need to." Or something similar. The girl happily goes into the classroom again, and Mom is even more down in the dumps. She thinks that she and the child must not have bonded well enough because if they had, the girl surely would've been inconsolable at the thought of leaving Mommy for the day!

I couldn't find a video of the whole episode, but I found this great synopsis of it: http://www.examiner.com/article/char...amazing-gracie . It also has 5 tips on how to survive the first day. Now, I realize the OP was not referring to a "first day" scenario, but the tips fit this situation nonetheless. One of them is that you (the mom) shouldn't make the day about YOU. Hold your tears (mom's) and don't let the child see that you are sad or upset. Great advice, and fits for the mom in the OP's situation.

Wow!

[Candy]

I would have termed her. If she wants her child to be the only dck then she needs to hire a nanny to watch her at home.

[hope]

update

Update!!!!!
Sorry i didnt update quicker. I have a second job on the weekends n am a little pooped out.
Friday DCM came for pick up in a completely different mood. She was happy which made me confused. She was first mom here n also last. I didnt want to talk Infront of the other parents so i allowed her to stay but went about my work. Once we were alone she asked for milk for her child. (She often askes for milk or snack for the road, another thing that bothers me). she swears her her child does not like cups even though that is all she drinks from here. I poured a small amount in a sippy cup and took the opportunity to talk. I told her I m very proud of the care I provide for her child along with the others. I talked about the goals i set for her child n how socialization is a key part to her development. I referenced the pictures I send daily with the child all smiles n giggles. Then i asked "but u think she is sad here and u r still unsure if this is best for her right?" She was shocked! I let her know that i can sympathize with her struggle as a working mom and being seperated from her child. I had to hire a live in Nanny while my husband went through cancer treatment as I traveled out of state for months. I was basically living at the hospital and struggled with leaving my children. I assured her I keep that in mind when I have children here n that we as mothers need to put our childrens interests above our own emotional needs. As I am talking her child is ****ing down her milk and giggling. Earlier in the day i was making silly faces with all the kids as we talked about emotions (happy face, sad face, etc). Well dcg thought this was a great time to show mom surprised face as she put her hands out, eyes wide oped n gasped. I think she caught on to how mom was feeling, haha!!!!!! Dcm didnt have much to say but she did seem to understand. I handed her the sippy cup n said "you can take this to go. I would like to have some family time now."
So I finally got a back bone! Felt so good to finally say what I wanted. I truely tried to sympathize with her n not take it so personal. Now that it has been discussed it should be easier for me to reference if she tries to hang around or make any comments. If issue comes up again with her i will remind her of our talk and put her on warning. This emotional drama has come to an end!

[Heidi]

Update!!!!!
Sorry i didnt update quicker. I have a second job on the weekends n am a little pooped out.
Friday DCM came for pick up in a completely different mood. She was happy which made me confused. She was first mom here n also last. I didnt want to talk Infront of the other parents so i allowed her to stay but went about my work. Once we were alone she asked for milk for her child. (She often askes for milk or snack for the road, another thing that bothers me). she swears her her child does not like cups even though that is all she drinks from here. I poured a small amount in a sippy cup and took the opportunity to talk. I told her I m very proud of the care I provide for her child along with the others. I talked about the goals i set for her child n how socialization is a key part to her development. I referenced the pictures I send daily with the child all smiles n giggles. Then i asked "but u think she is sad here and u r still unsure if this is best for her right?" She was shocked! I let her know that i can sympathize with her struggle as a working mom and being seperated from her child. I had to hire a live in Nanny while my husband went through cancer treatment as I traveled out of state for months. I was basically living at the hospital and struggled with leaving my children. I assured her I keep that in mind when I have children here n that we as mothers need to put our childrens interests above our own emotional needs. As I am talking her child is ****ing down her milk and giggling. Earlier in the day i was making silly faces with all the kids as we talked about emotions (happy face, sad face, etc). Well dcg thought this was a great time to show mom surprised face as she put her hands out, eyes wide oped n gasped. I think she caught on to how mom was feeling, haha!!!!!! Dcm didnt have much to say but she did seem to understand. I handed her the sippy cup n said "you can take this to go. I would like to have some family time now."
So I finally got a back bone! Felt so good to finally say what I wanted. I truely tried to sympathize with her n not take it so personal. Now that it has been discussed it should be easier for me to reference if she tries to hang around or make any comments. If issue comes up again with her i will remind her of our talk and put her on warning. This emotional drama has come to an end!

Great job!

Sharing a personal story like that was a wonderful touch. It hopefully helped her conect to you a bit.

Don't be suprised if she brings it up again after she's has some time to think about the conversation. She may not, but be ready to have the same talk one more time.

[julie]

Update!!!!!
Sorry i didnt update quicker. I have a second job on the weekends n am a little pooped out.
Friday DCM came for pick up in a completely different mood. She was happy which made me confused. She was first mom here n also last. I didnt want to talk Infront of the other parents so i allowed her to stay but went about my work. Once we were alone she asked for milk for her child. (She often askes for milk or snack for the road, another thing that bothers me). she swears her her child does not like cups even though that is all she drinks from here. I poured a small amount in a sippy cup and took the opportunity to talk. I told her I m very proud of the care I provide for her child along with the others. I talked about the goals i set for her child n how socialization is a key part to her development. I referenced the pictures I send daily with the child all smiles n giggles. Then i asked "but u think she is sad here and u r still unsure if this is best for her right?" She was shocked! I let her know that i can sympathize with her struggle as a working mom and being seperated from her child. I had to hire a live in Nanny while my husband went through cancer treatment as I traveled out of state for months. I was basically living at the hospital and struggled with leaving my children. I assured her I keep that in mind when I have children here n that we as mothers need to put our childrens interests above our own emotional needs. As I am talking her child is ****ing down her milk and giggling. Earlier in the day i was making silly faces with all the kids as we talked about emotions (happy face, sad face, etc). Well dcg thought this was a great time to show mom surprised face as she put her hands out, eyes wide oped n gasped. I think she caught on to how mom was feeling, haha!!!!!! Dcm didnt have much to say but she did seem to understand. I handed her the sippy cup n said "you can take this to go. I would like to have some family time now."
So I finally got a back bone! Felt so good to finally say what I wanted. I truely tried to sympathize with her n not take it so personal. Now that it has been discussed it should be easier for me to reference if she tries to hang around or make any comments. If issue comes up again with her i will remind her of our talk and put her on warning. This emotional drama has come to an end!

happyfacehappyfacehappyface. You handled it so well. I am so glad it worked out that way for you. Hope she gets it from now on.