passive aggressive dcm

[hope]

I have wrote on her about this DCM before. She wants her child to be the only dck bc she wants it to b all about her child (her words). She stays for 40-60 minutes after pick up time to chat with no regard for my responsibilities to the other children in my care. I have explained to her how happy her child is here bc she is able to play with the other children. I have tried to cut down DCM's extra time here by telling her I need to tend to this task or that and that and she still sits on my couch and kind of observes me. Weird!!!! She makes many comments that passively suggest she is no longer happy with her child being here. This morning I realized that it is to a point that i believe is not able to be repaired.
This morning she brings her child in while other children r in kitchen having breakfast. I have asked every day for her to hand off child to me so i can quickly get back to others or to come in my kitchen to say goodbyes. Again today she stays in front hallway to talk n will not come up. She tells me that her child was up all night. I ask if child may b getting sick, teething, nightmare. She said she believes her child is sad. i ask why and she rolls her eyes n shakes her head. She then pulls her 15 month old child aside n whispers to her that if child is sad today mommy will pick her up. She said this loud enough for me to hear but pretended to whisper. Her child only says a handfull of words so i doubt her intentions were to instruct child to call her. LOL! She intended to let me know her child is sad here. Funny that her child is nothing but smiles n giggles everyday here.
DCM is so dramatic n sensitive about everything that it makes it difficult to approach her about these issues. So i m guilty of not being straight forward of the situation too. I feel like she has created this drama in her head so it will b so hard to reason with her. I don't want to term but see the situation going bad quick. Any advice appreciated .

[laundrymom]

" life is puppies and rainbows when you're not here, maybe she's picking up on your sadness. Is everything alright at home Jane?"

[laundrymom]

Return the focus where I belongs. She's happy w you, moms the one guilty.

Also, next time she stays.
"Hey Jane, you need to leave. I have to work. "

[nannyde]

Call her and have her come get her immediately. Tell her she is sad.

Do a quick hand off at the door. Have the kid dressed... open the door.... hand the child through and say "now she's happy Mommy".

The mistake you are making is not confirming the Moms assessment. I would be blowing up her phone immediately after drop off and telling her the child is so sad.

The drop off and pick up conferencing/observing is rediculous. Tell her no more. You don't need to keep interviewing for this postion. Tell her you will not do parent meetings or perpetual interviewing. She either drops and runs and picks up and goes or she's out.

She's not passive aggressive... she's aggressive aggressive. Speaka her language and hand it back to her. Start calling the time she is hanging out "interviewing" and tell her you do NOT interview after the child starts care. You will give her one update every two weeks on normal stuff and let her know if anything else comes up. NO news is good news. She isn't paying for all the attention she is getting. Stop giving it to her. If she wants to continue interviewing you and observing you then she will pay a dollar a minute for the priviledge... and it needs to be UPFRONT payment. Tell her you don't have this level of parent conferencing and interviewing built into your fees but if she wants it it is a dollar a minute. She can have two to three minutes to drop off and pick up ... anything beyond that that you don't inititate is a buck a minute.

The Mom isn't guilty. She's the boss of you and she wants attention. She has you conered under the guise of "my child" and "I'm paying you". Let her know if she wants to do "my child" that it costs MONEY. She can't go ANYWHERE and get this kind of attention from a business for free. Just because the subject matter is her child it doesn't mean that ANY business is going to devote hours and hours a week for her to talk about her kid. NOBODY would do that for free.

[DaisyMamma]

Terrible situation. I wouldn't bother. Just term if you can afford it. Nothing will make mom happy, even if you get her to stop hanging around. She needs to either quit her job or hire a nanny.

[Willow]

I wouldn't call her. At pick up I'd tell her there was no need, she never even mentioned her mother during the day at all (but I'm super mean about stuff like this because it seriously ticks me off). Even if she was sad and asked 100 times I'd still stand firm and give mom the impression that I thought she was nuts and something must be amiss at home if her child only acted that way around her because she just LOOOOOVES me, the other kids and my home to bits. Nothing spells red crazy flag more in an interview when a mom comes in with a story that her child's old provider claimed kiddo was happy and mom swears otherwise which is why she's looking for new care.

*NEXT*


Bottom line is you can either term, or start standing up for yourself. Tell her her child is fine and she is being disruptive. If she still insists she's sad tell her maybe it's because she's making transitions to and from daycare incredibly difficult. Tell her to have her moments in the car before she leaves her driveway so she can offer her child a smooth transition into care.

I *LOATHE* emotional manipulation and put a stop to it immediately if I ever witness it. Kids have a tough enough time managing their own feelings, I think sometimes it boarders on mental abuse when they're also forced to manage the feelings their parents project on them.

Please don't allow her to do such a thing in your presence anymore. Stop it, or if you feel you can't term so she hopefully runs into someone else who can.

Quite frankly the woman sounds mentally ill on some level to think behaving like that is acceptable.

[hope]

Thank you ladies. I have been so upset at myself for not speaking up this morning. Your advice is the pep talk I needed to deal with this once n for all. She is emotionally manipulative. Didn't think of it that way but you ladies are right.

[EchoMom]

This is unbelievable! I would be spitting nails if the mom rolled her eyes like that and fake whispered such a horrible thing to her child. And to stay so long and sit on your couch? I don't even know how that happens! I'm sorry you're in this situation. You HAVE to stop it. If you can't afford to term immediately, at least start seriously enforcing boundaries and calling her out. Force her out or term her but I don't foresee this being a salvagable relationship at all.

[hope]

I can afford to term. I have a second job that i can always pick up an extra shift to cover till I get another dck. I wish i didn't freeze n dealt with her behavior this morning. I would have like to have said.....DCM, i will have baby call you when she is feeling sad here. Is that what you would like? Then we could have discussed her comment. It feels awkward bringing it up later. It has to be done though.

[hope]

And it is hard to call someone out on rolling their eyes n whispering to their child. I know she did it but if she will deny. She wants me to see n hear these things so why not just discuss?

[Unregistered]

Respect and trust are needed for the provider/client relationship to work. She is demonstrating she does not respect your work, and that she does not trust in your ability to provide care for her child. I think I would be letting her know that since she feels her child is most unhappy being in your care, that it is best that she seek other care arrangements ASAP that would better meet the level of care they are seeking. If you want one on one care, then it is time to hire a nanny.

Then I would bombard her with pictures of her child engaged in fun play with big happy smiles!

It is sad though and a bit disturbing that it is almost like she wants her to be sad, and is trying to plant that idea in her little head

[Heidi]

see, I would take the opposite approach. It really sounds to me like she misses here child, wishes she could be a SAHM, and isn't dealing with it at all. It is passive-aggressive, but I wouldn't assume she's doing it consiously. Of course, I haven't met her, so you'd know better. My tendency is to figure out what is causing the behavior first, if possible. I certainly wouldn't let it keep bugging you, though.

I'd call her in for a meeting and lay the cards on the table. "you seem to be having a really hard time with this whole working mom thing, staying long at drop off, worrying that dcg is sad, and hanging around here alot. I've tried to hint that this is a problem because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I've got to be honest. How can I help to make this all easier, or do you need to figure out something else?"

We may be childcare providers, but we are also part shrink, part community resource worker, part marraige counselor, and whole lot more.

[My3cents]

I have wrote on her about this DCM before. She wants her child to be the only dck bc she wants it to b all about her child (her words). She stays for 40-60 minutes after pick up time to chat with no regard for my responsibilities to the other children in my care. I have explained to her how happy her child is here bc she is able to play with the other children. I have tried to cut down DCM's extra time here by telling her I need to tend to this task or that and that and she still sits on my couch and kind of observes me. Weird!!!! She makes many comments that passively suggest she is no longer happy with her child being here. This morning I realized that it is to a point that i believe is not able to be repaired.
This morning she brings her child in while other children r in kitchen having breakfast. I have asked every day for her to hand off child to me so i can quickly get back to others or to come in my kitchen to say goodbyes. Again today she stays in front hallway to talk n will not come up. She tells me that her child was up all night. I ask if child may b getting sick, teething, nightmare. She said she believes her child is sad. i ask why and she rolls her eyes n shakes her head. She then pulls her 15 month old child aside n whispers to her that if child is sad today mommy will pick her up. She said this loud enough for me to hear but pretended to whisper. Her child only says a handfull of words so i doubt her intentions were to instruct child to call her. LOL! She intended to let me know her child is sad here. Funny that her child is nothing but smiles n giggles everyday here.
DCM is so dramatic n sensitive about everything that it makes it difficult to approach her about these issues. So i m guilty of not being straight forward of the situation too. I feel like she has created this drama in her head so it will b so hard to reason with her. I don't want to term but see the situation going bad quick. Any advice appreciated .

I see it that you should be saying something to this parent. Being direct and blunt. It is ok if she doesn't like your rules and policies. She is welcome to make other arrangements. You need to stick to your policy and rules. Call her out on her bull. Explain to her that saying things like that to her daughter will not help her self confidence and make her feel insecure, that she needs to build her up that she will be ok and have a great day. It sounds like the Mom is having a hard time with separation. Quick in and out are the best resolution for this. If she wants to stand and talk to you for five minutes after she picks up, fine if it is fine with you- but give her the run down of the day and explain that you have an outside life out of daycare and come close time you are ready to be done and move onto your family. You can't fix this Mom but you can have solid policies and rules and stick to them. She chooses if she wants to stay or move on. I would assure her that she is having a wonderful day. I would also address with her that you are a daycare and that you will be having more children in your care. If she wants one on one care suggest she hire a Nanny.

Good luck- Be blunt and move forward- Never allow a parent to intimidate youlovethis

[My3cents]

Call her and have her come get her immediately. Tell her she is sad.

Do a quick hand off at the door. Have the kid dressed... open the door.... hand the child through and say "now she's happy Mommy".

The mistake you are making is not confirming the Moms assessment. I would be blowing up her phone immediately after drop off and telling her the child is so sad.

The drop off and pick up conferencing/observing is rediculous. Tell her no more. You don't need to keep interviewing for this postion. Tell her you will not do parent meetings or perpetual interviewing. She either drops and runs and picks up and goes or she's out.

She's not passive aggressive... she's aggressive aggressive. Speaka her language and hand it back to her. Start calling the time she is hanging out "interviewing" and tell her you do NOT interview after the child starts care. You will give her one update every two weeks on normal stuff and let her know if anything else comes up. NO news is good news. She isn't paying for all the attention she is getting. Stop giving it to her. If she wants to continue interviewing you and observing you then she will pay a dollar a minute for the priviledge... and it needs to be UPFRONT payment. Tell her you don't have this level of parent conferencing and interviewing built into your fees but if she wants it it is a dollar a minute. She can have two to three minutes to drop off and pick up ... anything beyond that that you don't inititate is a buck a minute.

The Mom isn't guilty. She's the boss of you and she wants attention. She has you conered under the guise of "my child" and "I'm paying you". Let her know if she wants to do "my child" that it costs MONEY. She can't go ANYWHERE and get this kind of attention from a business for free. Just because the subject matter is her child it doesn't mean that ANY business is going to devote hours and hours a week for her to talk about her kid. NOBODY would do that for free.

I should read before I respond

[My3cents]

Thank you ladies. I have been so upset at myself for not speaking up this morning. Your advice is the pep talk I needed to deal with this once n for all. She is emotionally manipulative. Didn't think of it that way but you ladies are right.

you lack experience and this comes with time. This forum is a great wealth of knowledge.

I suggest you stop being afraid to talk to your clients and have rule,handbook and policies in place and contract.

Good luck-