Family Hates My Daycare But My Family Needs The Income

[DaisyMamma]

I'm getting no respect what so ever from DH. Leaves gates open, doors unlocked, comes in and out of house during nap. Other family does similar things. We had a "family meeting" last night to discuss daycare rules. I printed out a copy for everyone.
Today was like no meeting ever happened. I'm actually in tears right now after a blow out with my husband, who has broken 4-5 rules already. He made it clear that he doesn't care. This is his house and he doesn't feel like it's his house.

My 6 year old is always telling me she doesn't like the daycare.
My 3 year old doesn't say she doesn't like the daycare, but it's clear that she doesn't.

I do. Here's the thing. We were living off my husband's pay before @ $400-$500/week. My daycare now brings in another $1000/week. This is a huge difference. At this point we couldn't even cover our basic bills without half of this daycare income.

I don't think having less kids will make any difference. The daycare will still be here.

If I were to get a "job" I would have to put my 3 year old in daycare @ a very minimum $165/week and with my skills would only be making approx. $400-$450....so not worth it, besides I want to be with my 3 year old. She full day kindergarten in 1.5 years. I do not want her in someone else's daycare.

[Blackcat31]

I'm getting no respect what so ever from DH. Leaves gates open, doors unlocked, comes in and out of house during nap. Other family does similar things. We had a "family meeting" last night to discuss daycare rules. I printed out a copy for everyone.
Today was like no meeting ever happened. I'm actually in tears right now after a blow out with my husband, who has broken 4-5 rules already. He made it clear that he doesn't care. This is his house and he doesn't feel like it's his house.

My 6 year old is always telling me she doesn't like the daycare.
My 3 year old doesn't say she doesn't like the daycare, but it's clear that she doesn't.

I do. Here's the thing. We were living off my husband's pay before @ $400-$500/week. My daycare now brings in another $1000/week. This is a huge difference. At this point we couldn't even cover our basic bills without half of this daycare income.

I don't think having less kids will make any difference. The daycare will still be here.

If I were to get a "job" I would have to put my 3 year old in daycare @ a very minimum $165/week and with my skills would only be making approx. $400-$450....so not worth it, besides I want to be with my 3 year old. She full day kindergarten in 1.5 years. I do not want her in someone else's daycare.

So then maybe instead of giving your DH a list of rules you should give him a budget with and without the income from daycare.

Ask him again how he feels about it after he sees the monetary difference.

[DaisyMamma]

So then maybe instead of giving your DH a list of rules you should give him a budget with and without the income from daycare.

Ask him again how he feels about it after he sees the monetary difference.

I thought about doing this. I will.

My bigger problem here is that I am taking it personally. By him not respecting the daycare, he is disrespecting me as a person as well. It has turned into a marriage problem now.

[lindysmiles]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

People can be idiots. I'm sorry DH isn't more supportive and understanding about what you love to do + it's value to your home / family / finances. My DH and I went to counseling, and I highly recommend it. It ****ed and was tough and I wanted to claw someone's eye out, but in the end it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We worked through a lot of junk that would have otherwise never been dealt with. Please consider it if at all possible. Lots and lots of hugs and love to you!!!!

[DaisyMamma]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

People can be idiots. I'm sorry DH isn't more supportive and understanding about what you love to do + it's value to your home / family / finances. My DH and I went to counseling, and I highly recommend it. It ****ed and was tough and I wanted to claw someone's eye out, but in the end it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We worked through a lot of junk that would have otherwise never been dealt with. Please consider it if at all possible. Lots and lots of hugs and love to you!!!!

Thank you lindy. I will approach this subject as well.

[DaisyMamma]

Maybe there are some other changes I can make to accommodate my family. My DH is currently home on medical leave, making things especially more challenging. But maybe I can change my closing time to the time he gets off work.
Or switch to infant care only. Or SA only. Or??? Any other ideas?

My hours are currently 8:30-6:00. Only a couple kids stay from 5:30-6. Some kids might be able to leave by 5.
Perhaps I can change my hours to be the same as my husband's hours, 7-5 with a field trip on Wednesdays (his day off). It sounds reasonable to me. I can give everyone a ton of notice and have the start date be the beginning of summer (right when I can easily replace kids )

Then I can tell DCK no more time in our personal living room. And not nap kids in my 6 year old's bedroom... Then I can have my sub come from 3:30-5:00 every other day so I can take my own kids out somewhere....alone. maybe...???

sigh, this really ****s. We've spent years and years just getting by. Getting food from food banks. Now we have a decent living and it's making us all so unhappy.

[Country Kids]

You probably wrote what the problem is without realizing it-how much money your making.

You are doubling a week/month what he is. He probably is really struggling with this-believe me I know. Its extremely hard on men to know that their wife makes more then them, especially doing childcare. Remember, in most peoples eyes it "easy" money!

For your children, its been hard on mine to the point one of mine doesn't want children at all. Not all children are cut out to have children in their home all the time. Siblings fight and struggle, I don't know why we think our children should accept having "friends" over every single day. They don't always understand that this is your job when everyone elses mommy/daddy goes away to work, not at home.

You have been doing it for awhile, so is this a new problem or something thats been happening since you started?

[SilverSabre25]

I think that at the very least making some better/more separate space for daycare and family would be a huge help. Let your kids be able to go freely to their own rooms and the personal living room. If you can give them other privileges like having a supply of snacks they can help themselves freely to as long as they keep it quiet from the daycare kids.

I feel your pain, my DD hates daycare and says this frequently, even in front of daycare parents. It makes me feel awful but it's what we have to do. she's gotten better since I've started almost pushing her to go spend time away from the daycare kids. She can get snacks and drinks on her own, spend time in her own room away from them, and is allowed things like my phone/Nook/laptop to play games or watch netflix.

We just get by even with my income and I make sure to remind her of some of the perks she wouldn't get without the daycare--like her prized gymnastics lessons, and zoo membership, and eating out a couple times a week.

[mbullette]

I really know where you are coming from. My kids hate that I do daycare and my husband really does not like it. He told me that he doesn't mind me doing this but the kids I currently have he can't stand. I have some very testing kids right now. 2 screaming/fussy babies and other kids that have issues. I told him that I will gladly not do this anymore but take a look at the amount of money we will not have each month. He has 2 days off during the week and if it falls during the week he is gone all day, sleeps all day or sits in his office which is in the basement. He can't stand being around the kids. Our marriage has really been tested lately and I often wonder if this is really worth it. My kids dont like sharing their personal toys which I can understand. They dont like that we are tied down at home during the summer time. I do not travel with my daycare kids. By the time I am done at the end of the day I am so tired and drained that I dont do much with them. I watch kids from 6:45 am until 6pm. It just seems like I get all the fussy babies and kids that are not used to daycare. I have changed my policies but I dont know if that is enough. I used to enjoy what I do but lately I am not enjoying it. I either keep doing this or go get a job. My youngest is 3 so it would require putting him in daycare. For what I would make it wouldn;t be worth it. I keep asking myself what I can do different but at this time I am just not sure. I really feel for you as I am struggling also.

[MarinaVanessa]

I thought about doing this. I will.

My bigger problem here is that I am taking it personally. By him not respecting the daycare, he is disrespecting me as a person as well. It has turned into a marriage problem now.

It is a marriage problem, it is a respect thing. He doesn't respect your business as a profession period. If he feels that his house needs to simply be his house then it's time you offered him that option. Here's how MY conversation with my husband would go....

"Okay so I've been thinking about how daycare is effecting everyone in this home so I'm letting you know that I'm giving myself two months to find another job and quit daycare. That should hopefully give me enough time to find work and for my DC families to find new daycares. The stress of having you disrespect my business is taking too big a toll on me and since it's obvious that you are not going to make simple changes to abide by my daycare job rules then I have no other choice other than to just stop doing daycare. Doing daycare is too stressful on me when you intentionally do things that make it harder for me in daycare and daycare is obviously stressful on you otherwise why would you do these things intentionally. The obvious solution is to remove the problem .... daycare. I refuse to do daycare when you and the kids are so obviously against it. In the better interest of our family I think this solution is best.

What do you want to do about the kids? We will need daycare for them so that I can return to work. 6yo DD needs after school and 3yo DD needs full-time daycare meaning that we will easily be spending $200-$250 for daycare. I can get a job that pays $400-$500 a week which means that I will be bringing home approximately $200-$250 a week from working a regular job. I think that during the next 2 months it is a good idea to start cutting out unnecessary things like cable, internet, eating out and anywhere else we can in order to get used to living without that extra $750-$800 that I get from daycare. Either you or I should also try to get a second job in the evenings and nights or on weekends while the other one of us watches, feeds, bathes, helps with homework and stuff with the kids. This will help us add a little more income to help us pay the bills...."

Etc. I know you don't want your 3yo child to go to another daycare but I think if you approach it in this way you will give him a different perspective.

If at that point he still doesn't see how difficult his behavior and his attitude towards your business is affecting you then at that point ask yourself if you are willing to make one of these choices:

• Are you willing to let the behavior continue in order to continue to do daycare and to keep receiving the extra income and just accept that this is the way that things are and will continue to be?
• Are you willing to stop doing daycare and have less income coming in meaning that you will have to put your children in childcare and may have to struggle a little more financially or at minimum not live as your were financially used to while doing daycare?
• Are you willing to walk away from your husband to continue to do daycare so that his behavior no longer effects you while you do daycare?

I know the last one is a drastic choice that is probably not even something that you are even contemplating but it is a choice. The other two options are really the ones that you are more likely to have to choose from. Either you accept that things will continue as they have been or you do something to change it. Tough choices for sure if your spouse isn't willing to make any changes himself.

[DaisyMamma]

You probably wrote what the problem is without realizing it-how much money your making.

You are doubling a week/month what he is. He probably is really struggling with this-believe me I know. Its extremely hard on men to know that their wife makes more then them, especially doing childcare. Remember, in most peoples eyes it "easy" money!

For your children, its been hard on mine to the point one of mine doesn't want children at all. Not all children are cut out to have children in their home all the time. Siblings fight and struggle, I don't know why we think our children should accept having "friends" over every single day. They don't always understand that this is your job when everyone elses mommy/daddy goes away to work, not at home.

You have been doing it for awhile, so is this a new problem or something thats been happening since you started?

My younger child never seemed to like it. My older one just started hating it since I've had a decent # of kids. My husband has always left gates open and doors unlocked.

[DaisyMamma]

It is a marriage problem, it is a respect thing. He doesn't respect your business as a profession period. If he feels that his house needs to simply be his house then it's time you offered him that option. Here's how MY conversation with my husband would go....

"Okay so I've been thinking about how daycare is effecting everyone in this home so I'm letting you know that I'm giving myself two months to find another job and quit daycare. That should hopefully give me enough time to find work and for my DC families to find new daycares. The stress of having you disrespect my business is taking too big a toll on me and since it's obvious that you are not going to make simple changes to abide by my daycare job rules then I have no other choice other than to just stop doing daycare. Doing daycare is too stressful on me when you intentionally do things that make it harder for me in daycare and daycare is obviously stressful on you otherwise why would you do these things intentionally. The obvious solution is to remove the problem .... daycare. I refuse to do daycare when you and the kids are so obviously against it. In the better interest of our family I think this solution is best.

What do you want to do about the kids? We will need daycare for them so that I can return to work. 6yo DD needs after school and 3yo DD needs full-time daycare meaning that we will easily be spending $200-$250 for daycare. I can get a job that pays $400-$500 a week which means that I will be bringing home approximately $200-$250 a week from working a regular job. I think that during the next 2 months it is a good idea to start cutting out unnecessary things like cable, internet, eating out and anywhere else we can in order to get used to living without that extra $750-$800 that I get from daycare. Either you or I should also try to get a second job in the evenings and nights or on weekends while the other one of us watches, feeds, bathes, helps with homework and stuff with the kids. This will help us add a little more income to help us pay the bills...."

Etc. I know you don't want your 3yo child to go to another daycare but I think if you approach it in this way you will give him a different perspective.

If at that point he still doesn't see how difficult his behavior and his attitude towards your business is affecting you then at that point ask yourself if you are willing to make one of these choices:

• Are you willing to let the behavior continue in order to continue to do daycare and to keep receiving the extra income and just accept that this is the way that things are and will continue to be?
• Are you willing to stop doing daycare and have less income coming in meaning that you will have to put your children in childcare and may have to struggle a little more financially or at minimum not live as your were financially used to while doing daycare?
• Are you willing to walk away from your husband to continue to do daycare so that his behavior no longer effects you while you do daycare?

I know the last one is a drastic choice that is probably not even something that you are even contemplating but it is a choice. The other two options are really the ones that you are more likely to have to choose from. Either you accept that things will continue as they have been or you do something to change it. Tough choices for sure if your spouse isn't willing to make any changes himself.

I'm not willing to let the behavior continue. Won't choose this option.
I'm not interested in making a measly $200/week and putting my own kids in daycare. Won't choose this option till 3yo goes to K.
Yes, I've been contemplating leaving with my kids and the daycare. I mentioned this and he said "good" though he was mad and says mean things when he's mad.
Other options
Finishing a basement room for daycare use with private entrance.
Moving the daycare to a rental house.
Changing around the daycare use areas and changing daycare hours.

I'm going to get some estimates on finishing the basement. I'm going to take your advice on what to say when we can speak to eachother rationally.

[MarinaVanessa]

I'm not willing to let the behavior continue. Won't choose this option.
I'm not interested in making a measly $200/week and putting my own kids in daycare. Won't choose this option till 3yo goes to K.
Yes, I've been contemplating leaving with my kids and the daycare. I mentioned this and he said "good" though he was mad and says mean things when he's mad.
Other options
Finishing a basement room for daycare use with private entrance.
Moving the daycare to a rental house.
Changing around the daycare use areas and changing daycare hours.

I'm going to get some estimates on finishing the basement. I'm going to take your advice on what to say when we can speak to eachother rationally.

Oh that's great that you have a space to dedicate specifically to daycare. If you can transform your space into a fully functioning space I would do it in a heartbeat. Can you add a bathroom and even a little kitchenette area with cabinet space? You probably won't need a stove but I think that a small studio-size fridge would be great to have so store pre-made meals, breast milk, dairy milk etc in. This way it can all be self-contained.

Of course if renting out another house for your daycare (I completely forgot that this was even an option because it's not allowed in my state) is more cost effective then this is also a great option. Maybe you'll find something near your home .

[Blackcat31]

Oh that's great that you have a space to dedicate specifically to daycare. If you can transform your space into a fully functioning space I would do it in a heartbeat. Can you add a bathroom and even a little kitchenette area with cabinet space? You probably won't need a stove but I think that a small studio-size fridge would be great to have so store pre-made meals, breast milk, dairy milk etc in. This way it can all be self-contained.

Of course if renting out another house for your daycare (I completely forgot that this was even an option because it's not allowed in my state) is more cost effective then this is also a great option. Maybe you'll find something near your home .

I cannot even begin to list the benefits of having a separate space.

Whether it is an entire house or just the basement....it seriously makes ALL the difference.

[DaisyMamma]

I cannot even begin to list the benefits of having a separate space.

Whether it is an entire house or just the basement....it seriously makes ALL the difference.

I'm sure it does. It's scarey to take on an extra expense such as this though, especially since I have two kids are known to be temporary @ $300/week. .....But I could even hire someone to do the 3:30-6:00 in the afternoons and go home with my kids. happyface which would make them very happy. So my day would only be 8:30-3:00 and my income would go down to $665. Sounds like a really good compromise, but like I said scarey with the thought of losing that $300...
I've started trolling craigslist to find some to look at already. I think it would make all of us much happier.

As for the basement, the room would be small (at least initially until I can afford to do the other half) but I would have a bathroom put in as well as a sink/mini fridge/microwave so that it's a fully functional space with separate entrance.

Thank you, ladies. I appreciate your support.