Failing As A Mother..How To Stop Kids Madness At Stores?

[littlemissmuffet]

When I was a kid if I was acting up in a store I got brought back to the car, got a spank and then back to the store to finish shopping. Needless to say, I was usually quite well behaved in public.

I know many will disagree, but I will do the same with my child.

[MarinaVanessa]

It's interesting that a couple of you are suggesting either removing the child from the situation or leaving them home entirely. I disagree that that teaches a child anything other than that they have control over all of your outings. Avoiding a situation or removing a child when they start to struggle doesn't teach a that child how to gain control over their behaviors regardless of their feelings.

On the contrary, in my experience with my DCK's and my own children explaining what behavior I expect and then explaining the consequences of not exhibiting that behavior (such as not being able to accompany me to some public place) has taught them clear boundaries and limitations. If I go anywhere with them and they don't behave in the way that is expected then they have to deal with the consequences of that choice, which is that they don't get to go next time.

In my case however I don't leave them home every time, I do allow them another chance to show whether or not they can go or not but depending on their behavior and how drastic it is I will take them back if it's severe or not. That is a consequence that they are aware of before we leave my house. Going to public places like a grocery store, department store or restaurant has the same reasonable behavioral expectations in my eyes as places such as a library, park or kids fun place. It's a privilege to be able to go. If they misbehave then they lose that privileged. My DCK's and my own children all behave well when we go anywhere because they know what is expected of them and they know the consequences. If you don't behave, you don't go.

As for removing a screaming or tantruming child from a restaurant or store ... why wouldn't you? You can just as easily correct unwanted behavior from the outside of the building as you can from the inside. You can talk to the child and give the child the choice of behaving or being taken back home. If the child refuses to change the behavior or is in such emotional distress that he/she simply can't control him/herself at that moment then why not remove the child from the stressful situation and take the child home where the child can decompress and calm down so that the situation can be addressed in a calmer state of mind? Allowing a child to scream, shout and tantrum in a public place is rude and unnecessary to other people in the public building ... I would never allow it. I would take my child out of the area and take my child outside so that the people inside aren't subjected to the behavior. I don't see anything wrong with that and I've done it many times with my own children and I'm grateful when other parent's do the same with their children especially at places like restaurants and stores. Nothing ruins a nice relaxing dinner than a screaming 2yo or loud siblings throwing food while the parents simply sit there and ignore the behavior and allow it to continue. Why not just remove the child and address the behavior outside and away from the other patrons?

At least that's where I'm coming from. I'm not simply saying "Don't take your kids anywhere because it's easier" I'm saying don't allow a child to make a scene in an establishment where it can disturb others. Give clear boundaries, expectations and consequences and then follow through with them.

In the end dropping everything only to have to return later is only a punishment to you and a hindrance on your life.

I don't think of it in this way at all but maybe because in my own experiences my kids want to go with me to grocery store shopping trips, they think it's fun. But I have always included my kids and even my DCK's in the experiences and use it as learning experience. For example every year before thanksgiving I do an entire month of talking about manners specifically about behavior in a restaurant, at home at the dinner table and at the grocery store. Within the month of November we learn about what we each like to eat at thanksgiving and then we make shopping lists of simple to make food that they like to eat during Thanksgiving and we as a daycare group go on a field trip to the grocery store. They each have a small list of items that they must get and they all must behave. For the most part I don't have problems but there have been times when a child has ran off down the aisle or has misbehaves, that child then must then sit out at least a portion of the next field trip. It happens like this no matter where we go as a group and the consequences depend on the severity of the behavior. If it's extremely bad behavior to the point of throwing oneself on the floor and screaming/crying inconsolably then I will remove the entire group from the store and we will address the behavior outside. If it continues then we leave. Same goes with normal grocery trips with my own kids. It's not a hinderance to me, it's a hinderance to the child that doesn't want to leave. I suppose that if the child were to want to leave and that was why the child was misbehaving (let's say my child out of boredom) then I would take my child home, leave her with her father and give her chores. If she's bored then she can wipe the baseboards, take out trash, sort toys and clean the bathroom while I'm gone and I can take the short drive back to the store to finish my shopping unhindered. I think it just depends on why the child is misbehaving and how the situation is handled by the adult.

Definitely for sure if a child was taken home simply because the child was misbehaving out of boredom and then the child got to play in their room or play video games or with their friends then yes definitely, this is counter productive.

[Meeko]

On the contrary, in my experience with my DCK's and my own children explaining what behavior I expect and then explaining the consequences of not exhibiting that behavior (such as not being able to accompany me to some public place) has taught them clear boundaries and limitations. If I go anywhere with them and they don't behave in the way that is expected then they have to deal with the consequences of that choice, which is that they don't get to go next time.

In my case however I don't leave them home every time, I do allow them another chance to show whether or not they can go or not but depending on their behavior and how drastic it is I will take them back if it's severe or not. That is a consequence that they are aware of before we leave my house. Going to public places like a grocery store, department store or restaurant has the same reasonable behavioral expectations in my eyes as places such as a library, park or kids fun place. It's a privilege to be able to go. If they misbehave then they lose that privileged. My DCK's and my own children all behave well when we go anywhere because they know what is expected of them and they know the consequences. If you don't behave, you don't go.

As for removing a screaming or tantruming child from a restaurant or store ... why wouldn't you? You can just as easily correct unwanted behavior from the outside of the building as you can from the inside. You can talk to the child and give the child the choice of behaving or being taken back home. If the child refuses to change the behavior or is in such emotional distress that he/she simply can't control him/herself at that moment then why not remove the child from the stressful situation and take the child home where the child can decompress and calm down so that the situation can be addressed in a calmer state of mind? Allowing a child to scream, shout and tantrum in a public place is rude and unnecessary to other people in the public building ... I would never allow it. I would take my child out of the area and take my child outside so that the people inside aren't subjected to the behavior. I don't see anything wrong with that and I've done it many times with my own children and I'm grateful when other parent's do the same with their children especially at places like restaurants and stores. Nothing ruins a nice relaxing dinner than a screaming 2yo or loud siblings throwing food while the parents simply sit there and ignore the behavior and allow it to continue. Why not just remove the child and address the behavior outside and away from the other patrons?

At least that's where I'm coming from. I'm not simply saying "Don't take your kids anywhere because it's easier" I'm saying don't allow a child to make a scene in an establishment where it can disturb others. Give clear boundaries, expectations and consequences and then follow through with them.

Where's the like button?!

[MyAngels]

On the contrary, in my experience with my DCK's and my own children explaining what behavior I expect and then explaining the consequences of not exhibiting that behavior (such as not being able to accompany me to some public place) has taught them clear boundaries and limitations. If I go anywhere with them and they don't behave in the way that is expected then they have to deal with the consequences of that choice, which is that they don't get to go next time.

In my case however I don't leave them home every time, I do allow them another chance to show whether or not they can go or not but depending on their behavior and how drastic it is I will take them back if it's severe or not. That is a consequence that they are aware of before we leave my house. Going to public places like a grocery store, department store or restaurant has the same reasonable behavioral expectations in my eyes as places such as a library, park or kids fun place. It's a privilege to be able to go. If they misbehave then they lose that privileged. My DCK's and my own children all behave well when we go anywhere because they know what is expected of them and they know the consequences. If you don't behave, you don't go.

As for removing a screaming or tantruming child from a restaurant or store ... why wouldn't you? You can just as easily correct unwanted behavior from the outside of the building as you can from the inside. You can talk to the child and give the child the choice of behaving or being taken back home. If the child refuses to change the behavior or is in such emotional distress that he/she simply can't control him/herself at that moment then why not remove the child from the stressful situation and take the child home where the child can decompress and calm down so that the situation can be addressed in a calmer state of mind? Allowing a child to scream, shout and tantrum in a public place is rude and unnecessary to other people in the public building ... I would never allow it. I would take my child out of the area and take my child outside so that the people inside aren't subjected to the behavior. I don't see anything wrong with that and I've done it many times with my own children and I'm grateful when other parent's do the same with their children especially at places like restaurants and stores. Nothing ruins a nice relaxing dinner than a screaming 2yo or loud siblings throwing food while the parents simply sit there and ignore the behavior and allow it to continue. Why not just remove the child and address the behavior outside and away from the other patrons?

At least that's where I'm coming from. I'm not simply saying "Don't take your kids anywhere because it's easier" I'm saying don't allow a child to make a scene in an establishment where it can disturb others. Give clear boundaries, expectations and consequences and then follow through with them.

[Hunni Bee]

You definitely have to set the boundaries and follow through with what you say...every single time.
In the past I have talked to the kids before I left home and again in the car once we got to the location to make sure they understood what I expected from them. 3 yo's are capable of understanding what you mean, but may 'forget' once they are in the store.That's when you have to show them you meant what you said.
I've left carts of groceries in the stores, I've left uneaten meals in the restaurants and once, we were at Sea World in Florida when we left because my kids kept whining. Fortunately we had a free day for the next day so I didn't feel as though we HAD to stay because it had cost so much. Needless to say, the kids behaved beautifully the next day. I rememberr at one point my then 3 yo daughter started to act up, looked up at me as though to 'remember' what had happened the day before and thought better of it immediately.
I don't mess around and the kids know it...whether it was my own kids, grandkids, foster kids or daycare kids.
Consistency is the key. If they KNOW what you expect, they WILL behave. It will take a little work but it is so worth it when you can take your kids into the store and KNOW they will behave. It only takes a couple times for them to get it.