Needing to Vent :(

[CedarCreek]

Hi all! Im new around the forum. I have a registered childcare home which currently has 6 children enrolled full time. I have been having issues with one child and his parents in particular..

This DCB came to me at the beginning of November. Dad was from the get-go the obvious main "parent". I didn't even meet mom until about a month in. And when I did, she kept saying things like, "im new to this parenting thing" Which confuses me because I know that she is bio mom but its not my business so I stay out of it. Anyway, Dad told me they were leaving his previous daycare because the daycare lost the little boy during the day and he was found walking down the street. I am now questioning this story and wondering if the little boy was termed..
He is very angry. I noticed during the interview that he was super active and had some attention problems but it didn't seem like anything I couldn't handle. My 8 year old son was like that too. Now that we are a couple of months in, I want to term so badly! He constantly hits and pushes the other children, has no idea what an inside voice is and is extremely upset by transitions. If I do attempt to put him into timeout, he screams and kicks and has broken my gate that separates the kitchen from the play area twice. During our craft time, he never wants to participate. The one time I tried to help him with some one-on-one time, he head butted me so hard I saw nothing but black for 5 seconds and got an instant headache. I called his Dad to pick him up immediately. Mom has said that she doesn't know what to do with him and she cant handle him. She has also stated that they are getting him tested. For what, im not sure.
When I try to talk to his parents, they mostly shrug. Mom has said "Well i'll do what I can but he just doesn't like his routine messed with." Yeah, helpful, thanks.
To top it all off, they always pay late!! I sent a newsletter out stating that payments are due on Mondays and they still give it to me no earlier than Wed and often any day after that. I don't have a late fee because I know a few other providers in my area and they don't have them either I guess they all just feel lucky to have any dcks at all.
Sorry so long, just needed to say, UGH!!!!!

[Willow]

I am all about working with families as a team if a kiddo is tough but that's just waaaaaay too much to be asking yourself to put up with every single day.

If I were you I'd strongly suggest they get him seen by both a pre-k evaluator as well as a child psychologist in the future before he gets to the point where he can't be controlled at all anymore and really hurts someone.

Then I'd hand them their term letter..

[CedarCreek]

I completely agree with you! I have their term letter typed up and everything...I just feel so bad like everyone else has given up on this kid and now so am I, kwim? But then I remember how bad it hurt when he head butted me and I want to give them the darn letter tomorrow.

I think they have had him seen by a pre-k evaluator because oddly enough I have run into his Dad at my sons school. I asked him what he was doing there and he said this was where they were having him tested. Im guessing they are trying to get him into the special needs pre-k program that the elementary school has. As far as a child psychologist, I definitely agree that he needs to look into that as well.. if not family therapy. There are obviously some issues stemming from the parenting style as well.

[EchoMom]

I would say you HAVE to term! That's completely unsafe for you and would make me feel really nervous, does he ever act out toward the other kids? Does he monopolize your time? Sounds like he does. I would feel bad about terming him, but I would feel worse about not giving the best care I could to the rest of the kids because this one was ruining it for everyone.

[CedarCreek]

Yes, that is absolutely another thing that weighs heavy on my mind. He takes up all of my attention and I do feel bad about that for sure. He does act out at the other children, mostly my 3 year old son.

I know you ladies are right, I need to term him. I will have to wait until his Dad gets back from being out of town in a couple of weeks. Dad seems to run the show and I think if I try to do it through mom, she wont understand. Its hard to explain but she doesn't exactly seem...with it.

[ashleyh]

Sorry if this comes across a little harsh-

This reminds me of my nephew. Major outbursts, uncontrollable, something possibly different in an educational/medical sense - I hate to say it but I agree with you terming him. My nephew broke blinds, didn't listen, peeled paint off walls, pulled curtains down, etc..all because he said he didn't want to listen.

It's a hard to think we "give up" on kids but to be honest if he isn't doing well than it's not a good fit and the terming could be a step in the direction the child needs. If he comes back from testing and turns out he needs a more on one relationship with someone than keeping him wouldn't be the right thing.

If he doesn't need the extra attention it's still hard on your daycare and you to provide the extra attention. Maybe they could find someone who can dedicate the more one on one relationship or someone who is able to work with the behavior rather than at the expense of other children.

[CedarCreek]

If he does come back with something,I know i'm not qualified to deal with that. My son has Cornelia de Lange syndrome and is special needs but that means that I only really know about his corner of the spectrum. I have not been trained to deal with other special needs. So I agree, this would not be the right place for him.

[countrymom]

your not giving up on him because his parents gave up on him long time ago. The minute he would have head bunted me would be his last day. I wouldn't wait for dad, because he has a mom, let mom deal with it. I think thats another problem, she seems like the parent that is catered too. The sooner you term the happier everyone will be.

[hgonzalez]

I just ended a relationship with a family who had a child 'exactly' like that. He was so aggressive and destructive. Now that he is gone, I cannot believe how much time I have in my day to do positive activities with my kiddos without worrying who or what he will hurt. The parents were not receptive at all to anything I had to say and chalked it up to my daycare being 'boring' and him as 'a boy who just wants to play and doesn't like anyone stopping him from playing'.

On another note, I have a child that I believe is in the Autism Spectrum about the same age as the child that left. The parents are doing everything they can to get help for him, so I am hanging in there.

It always is easier to take when the parents are willing to recognize a problem in their child and take the appropriate steps to get services.

Whether to term or not is up to you and whether you need the kids or not. I wouldn't take too many chances though, as he may injure someone.

[Blackcat31]

You need to do what is best for the group of children you have enrolled and allowing one child to remain enrolled while he behaves in a manner in which you cannot control or "fix" is not looking out for the best interest of the others.

I would term this child immediately. I would also contact CPS and let them know of your concerns regarding this child. Perhaps they can do some sort of evaulation or family visit.

As child care providers, it is our job to maintain a healthy and safe environment for ALL children in care and having a child who is constantly hitting and pushing others is not ok. As a parent, I would pull my child from care if I knew they were subjected to continuous tantrums and physical aggression.

My advice would be to term immediately.

[Unregistered]

Hi all! Im new around the forum. I have a registered childcare home which currently has 6 children enrolled full time. I have been having issues with one child and his parents in particular..

This DCB came to me at the beginning of November. Dad was from the get-go the obvious main "parent". I didn't even meet mom until about a month in. And when I did, she kept saying things like, "im new to this parenting thing" Which confuses me because I know that she is bio mom but its not my business so I stay out of it. Anyway, Dad told me they were leaving his previous daycare because the daycare lost the little boy during the day and he was found walking down the street. I am now questioning this story and wondering if the little boy was termed..
He is very angry. I noticed during the interview that he was super active and had some attention problems but it didn't seem like anything I couldn't handle. My 8 year old son was like that too. Now that we are a couple of months in, I want to term so badly! He constantly hits and pushes the other children, has no idea what an inside voice is and is extremely upset by transitions. If I do attempt to put him into timeout, he screams and kicks and has broken my gate that separates the kitchen from the play area twice. During our craft time, he never wants to participate. The one time I tried to help him with some one-on-one time, he head butted me so hard I saw nothing but black for 5 seconds and got an instant headache. I called his Dad to pick him up immediately. Mom has said that she doesn't know what to do with him and she cant handle him. She has also stated that they are getting him tested. For what, im not sure.
When I try to talk to his parents, they mostly shrug. Mom has said "Well i'll do what I can but he just doesn't like his routine messed with." Yeah, helpful, thanks.
To top it all off, they always pay late!! I sent a newsletter out stating that payments are due on Mondays and they still give it to me no earlier than Wed and often any day after that. I don't have a late fee because I know a few other providers in my area and they don't have them either I guess they all just feel lucky to have any dcks at all.
Sorry so long, just needed to say, UGH!!!!!

It does seem he has something going on which makes me sad I am a Mom to a special needs son. I wouldnt say the parents gave up on him as they are getting him tested probably an eval by a pshyciatrist they probably also dont know what to do with him either and are at a loss I have been there. I would have a meeting with the parents first find out what type of testing they are getting done, inform them you NEED to know the results, ask them if there is a plan in place to deal with his behavior issues, etc. if you guys cant work together to get this little boy under control then I would term it wouldnt be fair to him or your daycare.

[CedarCreek]

Thanks for the advice everyone! Sometimes you just need to hear what you were already thinking in order to realize that its the right choice. I think I do have to deal with Dad and not Mom unfortunately. It seems as if he has the primary custody and makes the decisions, Its a very odd situation. I have seen her maybe twice until he went out of town.

Side note: Every time I see her the first thing she asks me is if I'm okay. Not Good morning or How are you doing.. she asks me like I just lost a family member or something. It's a little strange. My reply is always "Yes, I'm doing good" To which she always looks at me with concern and sort of sympathetically turns her face away. This morning, I finally asked if it seemed like something was wrong with me all of the time. She said, "Not to judge you or anything, but you always seem tired." REALLY? I couldn't imagine why that would be!! What an odd bird..

[countrymom]

Thanks for the advice everyone! Sometimes you just need to hear what you were already thinking in order to realize that its the right choice. I think I do have to deal with Dad and not Mom unfortunately. It seems as if he has the primary custody and makes the decisions, Its a very odd situation. I have seen her maybe twice until he went out of town.

Side note: Every time I see her the first thing she asks me is if I'm okay. Not Good morning or How are you doing.. she asks me like I just lost a family member or something. It's a little strange. My reply is always "Yes, I'm doing good" To which she always looks at me with concern and sort of sympathetically turns her face away. This morning, I finally asked if it seemed like something was wrong with me all of the time. She said, "Not to judge you or anything, but you always seem tired." REALLY? I couldn't imagine why that would be!! What an odd bird..

I had a mom ask the same question all the time. It drove me crazy.

[AllDeezBabies]

Side note: Every time I see her the first thing she asks me is if I'm okay. Not Good morning or How are you doing.. she asks me like I just lost a family member or something. It's a little strange. My reply is always "Yes, I'm doing good" To which she always looks at me with concern and sort of sympathetically turns her face away. This morning, I finally asked if it seemed like something was wrong with me all of the time. She said, "Not to judge you or anything, but you always seem tired." REALLY? I couldn't imagine why that would be!! What an odd bird..

I have a problem child and he acts the same way. He takes all my attention and this scenario is what his mom does to me. I make it plain as day on the days he DOES drain the life out of me that .....he drained the life out of me::

She seems to be the nonchalant type as well but once I started giving her the same updates about his behavior and also stated "My program seems to be not meeting his needs" she kinda toughened up and started to try and take charge of the situation. You know why? Now it affects her. It affects her because either she is scared she'll have her son with her on a full time basis again or she'll be out looking for another provider; both of which I can tell is a headache to her.

I would be very transparent with her. If you don't mind dealing with it, she won't mind NOT helping you control the situation.

Good Lucklovethis

[countrymom]

I have a problem child and he acts the same way. He takes all my attention and this scenario is what his mom does to me. I make it plain as day on the days he DOES drain the life out of me that .....he drained the life out of me::

She seems to be the nonchalant type as well but once I started giving her the same updates about his behavior and also stated "My program seems to be not meeting his needs" she kinda toughened up and started to try and take charge of the situation. You know why? Now it affects her. It affects her because either she is scared she'll have her son with her on a full time basis again or she'll be out looking for another provider; both of which I can tell is a headache to her.

I would be very transparent with her. If you don't mind dealing with it, she won't mind NOT helping you control the situation.

Good Lucklovethis

i agree you need to make it moms problem.