Advice Appreciated

[Msdunny]

This may get long and, if so, I am sorry. My mother has been battling cirrhosis of the liver for a couple of years. She went into the hospital on Monday, and the doctors have told us that she only has 2 weeks to 2 months left. I let my DCPs know this was a possibility in their 2013 New Year newsletter since she has been steadily declining for a few months.

One if my families is new to the area. The mom asked this morning if I would compile a list for her of possible baby sitters. I know she is looking for a back up for when my mom passes away, which I completely understand.

My question for you guys is this - what do you or have you done in this type of situation? I don't want to leave my DCFs stranded for a couple of days, but I also can't 'plan' for this, KWIM? Should I update them on this latest report from the doctor? 2 weeks could come quickly, but 2 months is a bit far out to plan for.

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.

[Blackcat31]

I really have no advice as I have never been in a similar situation but I do want to offer my condolences.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your family.

As far as notification, is there anyway you can line up a sub to come into your daycare and work for you with short notice when the time comes?

Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[Luna]

I have been in a very similar situation and to be honest, I didn't offer anything to my dcfs. I told them what I knew when I knew it and it didn't even occur to me to do anything more for them as my thoughts were focused on my family. Had one of them asked for help, I guess I would have given them names of possible backup people, but I would have left it up to them to make plans from there.
I'm very sorry you are going through this, my thoughts are with you.

[melilley]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this! My father went through the same situation, he was in hospice when he passed and I was there. It's a hard thing to go through. My thoughts are with you.

[Daycarelady1979]

I've been through this a few times. With my MIL she had ALS & was sick for 5 years. I told all of my DCP's about her right from the get-go, as we knew she could pass at any time...for some parents, they literally had YEARS notice, others had months or weeks or days. It just depended on how long the family had been here. She died on a Wednesday afternoon. It just so happened that randomly, an old friend stopped by to see me & was here when I got the call. She immediately helped me get the kids ready to go & stayed here with me until everyone left. At that time, all of the parents (except one) worked at the same company. I made the 1st phone call, asking mom to please come pick up child, I was closing early, and the person I spoke to offered to tell the whole crew. So within the hour, all the kids had left. (I did have a problem with the other mom & ended up terming her due to lack of respect... when I told her I needed time off to help my husband & time off for the funeral & everything she said, "How long is this going to take?" RUDE!) Another friend of mine was picking up my son that day from preschool & when they got here, I whispered to her that my MIL had passed & she quietly left so I could tell my son in private. Some DCP's sent flowers or offered condolences, others did/said nothing. I did NOT offer a back-up provider & I did not charge for my time off.

Last year I had a week off, scheduled vacation, and the DAY we returned my sister died. I knew a couple of days earlier that she wasn't going to make it long, as my other sister had called me while on vacation to tell me things were going downhill. I called/texted all the DCP's & told them the situation, of course they all knew my sister had cancer...she was also sick for 5 years so I had talked about it several times with them. I ended up taking the next 3 days off, so I had a total of 11 days off in a row between vacation/funeral. Everyone was very caring. I had no problems at all. Again I did NOT offer a back-up person & I did not charge for my time off.

This past September my FIL passed away. He was an alcoholic & had some health issues...he literally drank himself to death on purpose. He was found dead late on a week night. I immediately called the DCP's & told them. Everybody was fine with my time off, even though most of them were new here & did not know about his issues.

[wdmmom]

Because you can't attest to other peoples care, I wouldn't go scoping around trying to find a sitter for her. Not only does it present a potential issue (in the event things go bad), but you are in the business of providing daycare, not finding daycare.

Give her the number to your local CCR&R or DHS to locate a provider on her own.

[daycare]

I am going through this right now with my mother as well. I went to see her not long ago and she was very bad. My mother lives thousands of miles away, so it's hard to just drop and leave.

I have informed my DCF and told them what is going on. I do have someone who can come in and provide back up, I have an assistant, but my assistant does not come everyday, so there is a chance that I will not be able to provide back up care.

Honestly, I would not stress about if they have back up care or not. I tell all my families in the interview that they are responsible for finding backup care when the daycare is closed.

You have enough on your plate to worry about. Please take care of yourself and your family. Let them worry about taking care of their child. You have been kind enough to at least give them an advance notice.

[bunnyslippers]

I had this happen this year. My best friend's father (we were like one big family) had cancer, and had been suffering for a few years. He started to decline rapidly, and we knew there wasn't much time left.

I let all of my dcfs know that I would have to close for at least two full days when he did pass. When it happened, I was able to close for only one day, and had my mother cover for the other one.

I felt that I gave them enough notice to find back-up care. I think this is one of those situations when you just don't need to concern yourself with what your dcfs do with their own child. You are having a personal crisis, and it is personal. Let them know you will be on a touch-and-go situation for as long as it takes, and that they need to be prepared for the call at any moment.

I would not provide other possible providers for them. They can do that for themselves. Sometimes I think we all forget that we are just the daycare providers - not their personal concierge service.

I am so sorry you have to deal with the illness of your mother. Focus on yourself and your family - your dcfs will just have to understand. Life happens, and when it does, we all have to handle our own business. Even dcfs (although lord knows they forget that sometimes)!

[cheerfuldom]

I think you have already said enough. You are taking too much as your responsibility. DC parents should ALWAYS have a backup plan. I think you have done more than enough by giving them a heads up. Providing numbers to a backup option is very nice of you but not necessary. Also, I am sorry to hear of your news and hope that you take ALL the time you need in the future. I promise, all the kids will be fine and the parents will figure it out. Dont feel that you have to rush back to work or solve all these issues for the parents. They are adults, they will have to handle it.

[MN Day Mom]

I went through something very similar this past fall. My mother had been very sick for years. Heart failure, triple bi-pass surgery, P.A.D., kidney failure, she couldn't walk anymore, was on dialysis for her last year....

All of my families knew she was ill as she was in and out of the hospital a lot. In October she took a turn for the worse and we had to make the decision to put her in hospice. For me honestly, I didn't really worry too much about my daycare families. We put her in Hospice on a Thursday afternoon, my husband subbed for me that day and I closed to be with my family that Friday. Over the weekend they told us that she only had 3-4 days... I immediately let all my families know that I was closing to be with my mom during her final days and I would let them know when I would be reopening. She passed in her sleep that Tuesday night. I remained closed the rest of the week to plan and have her funeral. I opened again the following Monday. So I was closed 6 days.

All of my families were amazing during this time... and I will never regret having these last days with my mom. Is your mom getting hospice services? If so, they are usually able to let you know when things are progressing to just a week or less.

I would just mention to your families that your moms health has taken a turn and you'll keep them updated as needed in the future.

So very sorry you are going through this.... It is a very difficult thing, but a blessing at the same time. Prayers for your mother and your family.

[e.j.]

My question for you guys is this - what do you or have you done in this type of situation? I don't want to leave my DCFs stranded for a couple of days, but I also can't 'plan' for this, KWIM? Should I update them on this latest report from the doctor? 2 weeks could come quickly, but 2 months is a bit far out to plan for.

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.

My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer and told he had 2 weeks. I let my dc parents know what was going on and gave them the time frame we were given so they could make plans for child care. They were all great about either taking time off themselves or finding their own back up care. I just kept them updated as we went along.

Where your dcm is new to the area, I can see why she'd ask for a list of names. If you know of people who would be willing to help out on short notice, I'd give her those names to contact as a favor to her. Otherwise, I'd let her figure it out, especially if you ordinarily don't provide backup care.

I'm sorry to hear about your mil. Will keep you and your family in my prayers.