What Do We Do?

[laundrymom]

I'm not talking gun control, mental health positions, or licensing.

What do we do, today, when our kids are afraid!? How do we answer their fears!?!?
WHAT THE HEXX DO WE DO? Because I'm at a loss here.

[Binkybobo]

I can't lie and tell my child that without a doubt this will never happen. I will also not teach my child to live in fear. What can we do? We can arm ourselves. My oldest is old enough for me to be direct and say we can't live in fear. We just have to live our lives, and enjoy the time we are here. I have always been direct and frank with my kids in regards to death and violence. I have the sweetest kids, but they know that evil is out there. I can appease the fear by saying that schools are thinking of adding metal detectors, and armed gaurds, but I can't lie and sugar coat. This is all we can do. If it helps we can tell them that it will never happen and let it end there. To each his own. I am sure that the moment I hear shots go off in the mall I will scream and sob. I will be terrified, but at least I enjoyed my life, and didn't lock myself in the house for years out of fear that some idiot will want to live out some sick fantasy on my behalf.

[MamaBearCanada]

I tell our kids I will keep them safe. My job with their Dad is to love them an keep them safe. I also tell them that their Dad will stop any baddies that try and hurt them because he is so clever and so strong.

In reality we wont be able to always stop bad things from happening to them, but I would die trying. My little kids don't need to know yet that I/parents might fail. They need the safety and security of feeling loved and protected. If they asked about why those other kids died I would say "I don't know but I won't let that happen to you" - because at their age I feel that is all they need to hear. They are too little to worry about the evil in the world. There will be plenty of time for that later

My heart breaks for those parents whose children were killed.

[Binkybobo]

I tell our kids I will keep them safe. My job with their Dad is to love them an keep them safe. I also tell them that their Dad will stop any baddies that try and hurt them because he is so clever and so strong.

In reality we wont be able to always stop bad things from happening to them, but I would die trying. My little kids don't need to know yet that I/parents might fail. They need the safety and security of feeling loved and protected. If they asked about why those other kids died I would say "I don't know but I won't let that happen to you" - because at their age I feel that is all they need to hear. They are too little to worry about the evil in the world. There will be plenty of time for that later

My heart breaks for those parents whose children were killed.

Yes, for preschoolers yes this works. My four year would never even have the oppertunity to find out about this story. For my older daughter.... I think its best to be supportive and honest. She will be going out into the real world on her own one day, and I wil teach her to be watchfull of men foloowing you in parking garages because they may hurt you. i reall do however like your explanation for younger children, but I won't be in that dark garage to help my beautiful daughter in a few short years. she will be on her own.

[Binkybobo]

They also do intruder drills alongside the usuall tornado drills at elementary schools. They are already preparing the children for the reality that it may happen, but we are taking precautions so you are safer.

[Springdaze]

my kids have no clue what happened and I dont intend on telling them. they dont need to know. If they saw something I think they would let you know if anything needed to be said. a boy in my dd's class last year lost all but 2 members in his family in a fire. he, his mother and little sister got out, brothers, sisters and grandmother did not. I tried to ask my daughter about it and she would say "What?" like she didnt hear me. then a while later she would out of nowhere mention something about it and then wanted to talk a little about it

[laundrymom]

Thanks gals. I can't seem to get past this. My girls came home and could tell something was off with me. They are 11&14. We talked about it. I used parts of what you guys said. I told them to be aware, to live their lives but to be aware.

[nothingwithoutjoy]

I read a really good post today about how to talk with kids about it, here.

[melskids]

I think it depends on their age and maturity.

My boys are 10 and 16. I felt it was necessary to talk to them about it. My younger one still has the need to question everything, so I try to drill it in his head that if a teacher tells him what to do, he better do it. All I can picture is the teacher telling him to get down under a desk and him standing there arguing with her as to why. So for THAT reason, I felt is what necessary to talk to him yesterday about it.

Wednseday night my father was standing outside of his apartment minding his business, and some %#@>%&># drove by and open fired on him. Thankfully it was just a pellet gun and he was not seriously hurt. And this is in a neighborhood where you would NEVER think that would happen. So again, I was open and honest with my kids.

Last year when hurricane Irene came through, my kids were trapped at school without me. This year, we had a school physcologist "allegedly" molest a student. As a parent, these are conversations I HAD to have with my kids.

I might not give them all the horrid details, but just enough information to let them know there are dangerous bad people in the world and they need to be aware. As much as I would like to tell them I will always protect them, I will not always be there. My boys are old enough now to know how to try and protect themselves, whether it is violence, a fire, drinking and driving, whatever, when I can't be there.

That being said, I definetely feel that however you choose to share information with your child it should be developmentally appropriate for them. Only you know how much they can handle.

It is my opinion though, that we can't always keep them in a bubble and pretend this stuff doesn't happen. When they are young and still home, that is another story, but once you send them out in to the world, they are unfortunately exposed to SO much more.

[Sunchimes]

My kids are grown, most of my grandkids are grown, and my oldest dck is just 2, so I was the only one needing help with this. The quote from Mr. Rogers about looking for helpers was the most comforting thing I've read in a long, long time. Instead of looking for evil, I'm going to concentrate on finding the helpers every single day.

[DBug]

This is completely rooted in my faith, but it may be helpful for others as well.

One thing I've always tried very hard to teach my kids is that even when Mommy and Daddy aren't there, God is ALWAYS with them, and He always wants what's best for them. Anytime they need to, they can talk to Him and He'll hear them. If they're scared or alone or having a bad dream or feel nervous or whatever, God is right there with them.

My hope is that if something terrible like this shooting happens to my kids, that they'll be able to draw on that for courage and comfort, and to help them think rationally in the heat of the moment, and to help them help the other people around them.

And also, that they'll know that God isn't to blame for things like this. It's humans with free will making their own decisions in how they lead their lives.

[Binkybobo]

I tell our kids I will keep them safe. My job with their Dad is to love them an keep them safe. I also tell them that their Dad will stop any baddies that try and hurt them because he is so clever and so strong.

In reality we wont be able to always stop bad things from happening to them, but I would die trying. My little kids don't need to know yet that I/parents might fail. They need the safety and security of feeling loved and protected. If they asked about why those other kids died I would say "I don't know but I won't let that happen to you" - because at their age I feel that is all they need to hear. They are too little to worry about the evil in the world. There will be plenty of time for that later

My heart breaks for those parents whose children were killed.

Your statements kept running through my mind as I watched the news last night. I can tell that you are a loving mother, and I understand the desire to sheild your children. I am urging you to be more open with your children. We need to tell our children at a young age what to do is someone tries to touch them or take them. I would hate for someone to do something to my child and have my child thinking the whole time,"Why didn't my mommy come to scare away the baddies?" We need to teach our children to yell, "HELP THIS IS NOT MY MOM! HELP THISIS NOT MY DAD!" at the tope of their lungs, and if they get away they need to have th eknowledge to run to the nearest police officer, teacher, casheir, trusted adult and tell them what happen. Please arm your children with this knowledge. Keeping them in a bubble will disarm them and make them completely helpless. It is hard to tell a preschooler that someone may touch them in a bad spot, but as parents we signed up for it. It's unavoidable. I hope you don't take offense to this.

[MamaBearCanada]

Your statements kept running through my mind as I watched the news last night. I can tell that you are a loving mother, and I understand the desire to sheild your children. I am urging you to be more open with your children. We need to tell our children at a young age what to do is someone tries to touch them or take them. I would hate for someone to do something to my child and have my child thinking the whole time,"Why didn't my mommy come to scare away the baddies?" We need to teach our children to yell, "HELP THIS IS NOT MY MOM! HELP THISIS NOT MY DAD!" at the tope of their lungs, and if they get away they need to have th eknowledge to run to the nearest police officer, teacher, casheir, trusted adult and tell them what happen. Please arm your children with this knowledge. Keeping them in a bubble will disarm them and make them completely helpless. It is hard to tell a preschooler that someone may touch them in a bad spot, but as parents we signed up for it. It's unavoidable. I hope you don't take offense to this.

No offense taken My own children are 2.5 and under and at this stage in their lives they are in a bubble. They are very rarely without me and when it is only with people we trust 100%. I didn't even leave my child in the church nursery until they could talk and only with people we knew really well. Part of my job is to shield them.

Having said that I am aware that most abusers are known to the family. We have had the talk with the oldest in language appropriate for their age about not keeping secrets from us even if someone threatens them or us, what is appropriate touching, stranger danger etc. What I was describing was what I tell my children when they are scared and need reassurance.

As they get older I will tell them more, but I'm trying to find the balance between informing them and making them more worldly or scared than they need to be. I dont want my child living in fear and at this age I feel they should be sheltered. I know not everyone will agree with that and that's ok. You raised some very valid points and I appreciate your concern and honesty. You said it in a kind way. So thank you.

[Bookworm]

Your statements kept running through my mind as I watched the news last night. I can tell that you are a loving mother, and I understand the desire to sheild your children. I am urging you to be more open with your children. We need to tell our children at a young age what to do is someone tries to touch them or take them. I would hate for someone to do something to my child and have my child thinking the whole time,"Why didn't my mommy come to scare away the baddies?" We need to teach our children to yell, "HELP THIS IS NOT MY MOM! HELP THISIS NOT MY DAD!" at the tope of their lungs, and if they get away they need to have th eknowledge to run to the nearest police officer, teacher, casheir, trusted adult and tell them what happen. Please arm your children with this knowledge. Keeping them in a bubble will disarm them and make them completely helpless. It is hard to tell a preschooler that someone may touch them in a bad spot, but as parents we signed up for it. It's unavoidable. I hope you don't take offense to this.

I agree with this. My daughter was 9 when 9/11 happened and it was very hard to explain to her what happened without making light of the situation.