Difficulty with SUB. Any Perspective?

[DaisyMamma]

I have a sub that I use quite a bit. She has some major stuff going on in her life right now and I feel like she's not HERE mentally when she's here. In fact I have family here when she's working and it sounds like she is texting on her phone most of the time, last time she was here she was visibly upset and said out loud that she can't deal with this right now and she needs a drink.... My family said she looked like she was about to have a mental breakdown. The next day she called and asked me if I could watch her kid in the AM. It would be a school day and her kid is 7. I said sure, no school? She says, oops, yea, I forgot....
WOW. How do you forget that your kid has school on a Tuesday??

I have no other certified sub and have an actual need for her half the days she is here, thankfully its only two hours....

Clearly I need to cut down to the time she is here, which is sad because I get time alone w my kids when she's here.
I'm also working on getting a new sub.
The kicker is that she is my friend and needs the $. I'm not one for confrontation. I'm not even one for friends, she's kind of it, and Im not even really close w her, mostly see her cuz of daycare. But I don't want to offend her. To be perfectly honest I don't feel that I should have to tell an adult to pay attention to the kids she is watching and stay off her phone...
What would you do?

[Blackcat31]

Whether she needs the money or not shouldn't factor into this as you are her boss and she is your employee. Just because you are friends and because we work in a field where we are expected to be caring and understanding doesn't mean you should over look the fact that she is NOT doing what you hired her to do and any good boss would either give her a warning or fire her.

She will cost YOU money if she continues the way she is right now.

I understand that life happens. Even while you are working but in no way is that an excuse for an adult.

She needs to step up and leave her personal life at the door when she clocks in. If she cannot do that, you need to replace her.

You need to step up and be the boss. Offer her an ear (when NOT at work) but under no circumstances allow her to focus on anything but the kids while she is on the clock. If she needs time off, then give it to her and find someone who CAN do the job.

I don't mean any of that harshly but honestly you are letting your personal feeling and your friend connection with this person cloud your judgment as the boss and business owner.

[DaisyMamma]

Whether she needs the money or not shouldn't factor into this as you are her boss and she is your employee. Just because you are friends and because we work in a field where we are expected to be caring and understanding doesn't mean you should over look the fact that she is NOT doing what you hired her to do and any good boss would either give her a warning or fire her.

She will cost YOU money if she continues the way she is right now.

I understand that life happens. Even while you are working but in no way is that an excuse for an adult.

She needs to step up and leave her personal life at the door when she clocks in. If she cannot do that, you need to replace her.

You need to step up and be the boss. Offer her an ear (when NOT at work) but under no circumstances allow her to focus on anything but the kids while she is on the clock. If she needs time off, then give it to her and find someone who CAN do the job.

I don't mean any of that harshly but honestly you are letting your personal feeling and your friend connection with this person cloud your judgment as the boss and business owner.

No offense at all. I agree.

[melilley]

I agree with Black Cat! I have been in the childcare field for 14 years and until recently (July) I have been a lead teacher in a center setting and have become close with the assistants in my room and have had to have talks with them and even have had to speak to the director about them before. I am not a confrontational person and am, well can be, a pushover, but when it comes to the safety or anything that has to do with the well being of the children, I realize that I have to "toughen" up and talk to them. I know it's hard because she's your friend, but sometimes we have to put the children over friends. Most of the time if they are a true friend they will take what you say and change and separate work from personal feelings. If not, they are not worth working with you or the children in your care and aren't really worth being friends with. I would talk to her and tell her how you expect her to act when she is at work ..it's like any other job, you have to do what is expected of you!
She may just need a friend to vent to. Sorry this is so long! Good Luck!

[DaisyMamma]

I'm realizing that my problem is simply having the conversation at all. I would rather replace her and simply stop asking her to come.

[Willow]

I'm realizing that my problem is simply having the conversation at all. I would rather replace her and simply stop asking her to come.

Could you sugar coat it? Instead of launching into a conversation about how unprofessional she's being you could let her know that you're worried about her and believe she needs to take some time off from subbing for you. Then just don't let her talk you out of it. If she gets defensive or tries talking you out of it all you have to say over and over again is this is what you believe is best for the kids in your daycare AND her and her family.

[melilley]

Could you sugar coat it? Instead of launching into a conversation about how unprofessional she's being you could let her know that you're worried about her and believe she needs to take some time off from subbing for you. Then just don't let her talk you out of it. If she gets defensive or tries talking you out of it all you have to say over and over again is this is what you believe is best for the kids in your daycare AND her and her family.

[cheerfuldom]

I have had to fire one sub with the same issues. Multiple personal issues and she was spending a lot of time on the phone and once, even started crying in front of a parent! I did the same thing as another person recommended....I said I realized she had a lot of things going on and felt that it would be best for her to get that in order because it was affecting her at work. I sent her her last paycheck, wished her well and that was it. I didnt say "you're fired" or detail everything she was doing wrong.

[MarinaVanessa]

I'm realizing that my problem is simply having the conversation at all. I would rather replace her and simply stop asking her to come.

This will deffinetely be the hardest part of all. Not talking to her and simply asking her not to come at all will probably deffinetely damage your friendship with her since she won't know why you're letting her go. You'll just be another person adding to her problems for "no reason" (because she won't know why) and she may get the "why are you doing this to me" mentallity. I deffinetly think that if you want to keep the friendship you should speak to her. You don't even have to face the whole issue head-on. Can you ask her to come by when theres no DC to talk to her. There are ways to approach the topic without sounding judgmental or offensive. Just say something along the lines of ...

"Hey Mary, I just wanted to check on you to see how you were doing. I know you are having a hard time and it's bothering me to see you this way. You are my friend and I love you so it's really starting to weigh heavily on me because others have started to notice that you really aren't yourself. It's only natural that you are feeling out of sorts especially with everything that's going on but I have to bring something up to you that I hope you won't take offensively. I have noticed and others have relayed to me that you aren't focused when you are subbing for me which is understandable considering what you're going through. Do you think that maybe you need a break from daycare for a while?"

And that's how you let her open up and give her reasons, excuses or just to let her vent etc. She then can also let it start to soak in that it's been noticed that she's been lax in her duties without having to say specifics. If she really does need the money she'll say so and that she can't take or doesn't need a break.

"Well then, I'm now put in the hard place of wanting to be your friend and protecting my business. Like I said, I've noticed and it's been brought to my attention by others that mentally you just aren't here. I'm sure that your main focus is on your problems and I really want to be sympathetic but when it starts to affect my business then I need to step in and do something. I'm in the business of childcare and people entrust their children to me. You as an employee are a part of my business and a reflection of me. I really need you to be here mentally and focused when you are on duty. I understand that you are going through a difficult time and I don't want to add to your burden but I need to make sure that when you are here you are ready to work and I'm willing to work with you on this"

And then you make it clear that you'll be firm and that she faces consequences.

"I am in the process of looking for a second sub so do you need me to cut down on your hours for a while so that you don't have such a heavy load? Or are you sure you don't want to take some time off? I just really need someone here that I don't have to worry about. Can you be focused for me?"

I really recommend that you have an employee handbook and contract for all employees even for your friend (if you don't already have them). If you don't have one, make one now so that duties and responsibilities are clearly defined. Let her know this as well but you don't have to make her feel like she's the reason for it but it would be a good idea to bring up the issue about the phone.

"Since I'll be taking on another employee I'm in the process of making employee contracts and a handbook. It will have all of the duties and responsibilities that are required to keep this job. For example, from now on employees will need to leave their phones in their purses at all times other than when theyre on break and their purses will be be kept [special place for purse]. Personal calls will be limited to only extreme emergencies, okay?"

I can understand if you feel like you're in a tough spot because she's your friend and I'm sure you don't want to risk damaging your friendship but as hard as it is to confront the issue keep in mind that it's your business and you are paying her to do a job. Friends sometimes feel like they can get away with things because friends are understanding but the way I see it is if I'm your friend then you shouldn't be taking advantage of me especially if have nothing to do with their issues KWIM? Id be having this conversation with a friend or family member even if I run the risk of offending them. If they were really my friend or if the family member really loved me they would understand and wouldn't put me in this situation to begin with. Good luck. KUP. I hope your friend's situation gets better soon.

[countrymom]

my back up lady had to tell her sub that she had to stop smoking outside all the time (the sub never disclosed that she was a smoker when she was hired) and the sub also had big boobs and would wear low cut shirts and no bra, now that was an awkward conversation.

you need to call her out on what she is doing. Do you think if she worked somewhere else would put up with her stuff--nope she would be fired. You know when we give deadlines for things to improve with the little kids well you need to do the same. Explain to her that she needs to be here and focused on the kids and no cell phone, if she doens't think she can do it, well then let her go.

the most important thing that would worry me is that she is not focused on her job, what would happen if there was an emergency, or one of the kids hurt themselves, would she be able to react quickly, I couldn't work with someeone who is in another world.

[My3cents]

friend or not......... need to talk with her. Have clear expectations of what her role is and responsibilities are. When your working- your working.

You are providing care to peoples most prized,loved possession you can't afford to not be on your A game, and having an A team is the only way to go-

Best-

[DaisyMamma]

Thanks to everyone, all good points and tips. Thank you! I will be dealing with this today.