Need the $ but.......

[My4SunshineGirlsNY]

I have let 2 families go in the past due to behavior issues...it was so hard for me to tell them even though they were fully aware their kids had issues..but honestly, it wasn't worth the daily stress for me. I too really needed the money, but one day I had enough and finally let them go. What a relief when they were gone! When you have a daycare child with a bahavior issue, it ruines the mood of all the others and the day is just CRAZY!! I would try to fill their spots...for your sanity and all the other kids in your care.

[momma2girls]

I have let 2 families go in the past due to behavior issues...it was so hard for me to tell them even though they were fully aware their kids had issues..but honestly, it wasn't worth the daily stress for me. I too really needed the money, but one day I had enough and finally let them go. What a relief when they were gone! When you have a daycare child with a bahavior issue, it ruines the mood of all the others and the day is just CRAZY!! I would try to fill their spots...for your sanity and all the other kids in your care.

It is totally not worth it- the other children, yourself, etc. Throughout the yrs. of keeping everyone, no matter what. I placed in a 2 week trial about 5 yrs. ago, and it has been implemented time and time again!!! I had one that went thru 5 other daycares, before mine!!! Mine was the little guys 6th one!! Terrible!!! I wish I would have known about the 5 other ones!!

[Bizzymom1111]

It is totally not worth it- the other children, yourself, etc. Throughout the yrs. of keeping everyone, no matter what. I placed in a 2 week trial about 5 yrs. ago, and it has been implemented time and time again!!! I had one that went thru 5 other daycares, before mine!!! Mine was the little guys 6th one!! Terrible!!! I wish I would have known about the 5 other ones!!

Thank you both. I guess I just needed to hear that I was not being harsh. I know that these boys have gone to another provider because they are county pay, and on their papers that I get from the county, it says that they havealready used 19 absent days since January. That seemed strange to me. I was thinking that maybe they were terminated and didn't pay the provider, or couldn't. Who knows. She's only allowed 25/yr that the county will pay for, otherwise, shell need to pay.

Anyways I appreciate the support! This forum really helps me to not feel alone!

[Janet]

Sometimes parents just don't want to hear the truth

I hate being in the position where I have to tell parents about observations that I've made that make their children seem "slow" because no matter how it's worded, it's never received by the parent without a measure of anger or resistance.

That being said, I'm not doing my job to the best of my ability if I hold back my observations to the parents. I'm not a sugar coater, either. I think that everyone loses in that scenario. When you dance around saying what you really think to the parents, then intervention takes much longer to occur. I had one child that had a huge developmental delay and I candy coated it too much initially and as a result, it took over a year to get the mom to get him evaluated. I had to be brutally honest in order for her to step up. He is now in a special education program for kids with high special needs.

I'm not saying that I go around diagnosing all of my kids to their parents as special needs or anything like that. I've found that just sharing my observations usually works out just fine and the parents know if intervention is needed.

I get really irritated by parents who think that their child's excellent memory is an indicator of their brilliant genius! I had a dcb (the oldest brother of the dcb that I spoke about above) who had an excellent memory when it came to fish and sharks, but when he was asked to answer questions that required basic problem solving, he was totally lost. He was in second grade at the time and I was working with him on his math homework and he couldn't figure out a pattern that was as follows: circle, square, circle, square, circle, square, circle, square, ______, _______. The middle child (same family) was able to answer that one and he was five at the time. The oldest dcb couldn't figure it out, even after I worked with him on it for about an hour. His mom was convinced that he was super smart, and the school never told her otherwise. He never had any behavior issues at school that got noticed, because he wasn't impulsive or hyperactive, and he was very quiet. In schools, sadly, it seems that the squeakiest wheels get the grease, even if the quiet ones need it more...

[professionalmom]

I agree that you should not do the compliment sandwich. However, when I have had to approach the subject of problems, I offer the parents an "out" that would still get the parent to get the child evaluated without the "guilt" of having a delayed child. For instance, one DCB was totally out of control with his behavior. He was violent and destructive. however, I could also tell that he could be super sweet. He also had a speech problem. When I talked to the DCD, I explained the behavior, and explained that, in my experience, there could be many different causes. I advised that DCB be evaluated ASAP and that , although it could a number of things, it could also be something as simple as a hearing problem, which is easily treatable. If the parent thinks that an evaluation might result in a "simple" nonjudgmental solution, they are more likely to get the child evaluated. A hearing problem is something that could be physical and obviously not the result of bad parenting. "A hearing problem" is not a diagnosis considering that there are many types of hearing problems. Plus, you are not saying that a hearing problem IS the cause, just that hearing problems are one of many different types of causes for this type of observed behavior. So, the parent takes the kid to the doctor, hoping (or expecting) that the problem has nothing to do with the parent, but then may learn that there are bigger problems and that the parent may (or may not) be contributing. Either way, the parent now must face a PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL DOCTOR and face the issue head on. At that point, it's not an opinion, it's a diagnosis. Then when they come back to you and say, DCK is delayed, you can fake the shock and say, "oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry to hear that. I really was hoping that it was his (or her) hearing (or whatever). Wow. Well, what can I do to help with the treatment plan and the doctor's recommendations. Better yet, could you notify the doctor and have him/her contact me with instructions? I would love to help anyway I can."

Then, behind closed doors and definitely out of earshot, pat yourself on the back for being right all along and for successfully getting the child the help (s)he needs and deserves.

[momma2girls]

I agree that you should not do the compliment sandwich. However, when I have had to approach the subject of problems, I offer the parents an "out" that would still get the parent to get the child evaluated without the "guilt" of having a delayed child. For instance, one DCB was totally out of control with his behavior. He was violent and destructive. however, I could also tell that he could be super sweet. He also had a speech problem. When I talked to the DCD, I explained the behavior, and explained that, in my experience, there could be many different causes. I advised that DCB be evaluated ASAP and that , although it could a number of things, it could also be something as simple as a hearing problem, which is easily treatable. If the parent thinks that an evaluation might result in a "simple" nonjudgmental solution, they are more likely to get the child evaluated. A hearing problem is something that could be physical and obviously not the result of bad parenting. "A hearing problem" is not a diagnosis considering that there are many types of hearing problems. Plus, you are not saying that a hearing problem IS the cause, just that hearing problems are one of many different types of causes for this type of observed behavior. So, the parent takes the kid to the doctor, hoping (or expecting) that the problem has nothing to do with the parent, but then may learn that there are bigger problems and that the parent may (or may not) be contributing. Either way, the parent now must face a PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL DOCTOR and face the issue head on. At that point, it's not an opinion, it's a diagnosis. Then when they come back to you and say, DCK is delayed, you can fake the shock and say, "oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry to hear that. I really was hoping that it was his (or her) hearing (or whatever). Wow. Well, what can I do to help with the treatment plan and the doctor's recommendations. Better yet, could you notify the doctor and have him/her contact me with instructions? I would love to help anyway I can."

Then, behind closed doors and definitely out of earshot, pat yourself on the back for being right all along and for successfully getting the child the help (s)he needs and deserves.

I once had a daycare Dad tell me that his son stuttered a little bit when he was excited!! He was almost 5 yrs. old, when the boy first came the first day within 1 hr. I knew he had autism, ADD, ADHD, and possibly more. I being a nurse, told the Dad this- that he has more than a stuttering problem, he needed to take him in for a work up study. Of course, he didn't listen to me at all- until the first day in Kindergarten- the Dad was flabergasted at what the teacher told him- it was the same thing I did!! Then he finally listened to both of us- took him to the University, and the boy wound up with several diagnosis!! If he would have taken him when I told him, he would have been so much better off. THe Dad was slow himself, and raising him all on his own. I felt so sorry for the child!! I can't believe his family, himself, friends, anyone else didn't see anything wrong with the child at 4!! He couldn't do the simplest things at all!!! He couldn't even hold a color, let alone color- he had no idea to comprehend anything I told him!! It was really really sad!!!

[nannyde]

He was in second grade at the time and I was working with him on his math homework and he couldn't figure out a pattern that was as follows: circle, square, circle, square, circle, square, circle, square, ______, _______.

::::::::

Now that's funny

[Chickenhauler]

The problem with the "compliment sandwhich" is you have parents walking away from the conversation focusing on the two sides of the compliment.

I don't agree with that approach. It's like when day care parents come and give you notice and they say "we love you so much and little Johnny has learned so much at your house but we think he needs to start his PrePreschool career".

Did they just give me a compliment while they fired me? YUP they did

We need to STOP tip toeing around parents and get to the truth. We should not have to sandwhich in our concerns. It doesn't go well in a human brain. The human brain will pick out the yes and reject the no UNLESS there is an immediate consequence that is painful with the NO... like me being fired.

I do agree we shouldn't be doing any diagnosis. What we need to be able to do is tell the parent the truth about what we see with this kid in this environment and what our experience tells us is interfering with the happiness, safety, peace, fairness etc. of the group of kids AND the adult in our home.

We need to stop mollycoddling this generation. It isn't working.

I agree-be honest and upfront. Don't sugarcoat it, keep in mind that parents have a hard time admitting (even to themselves) that their kid may be "marginally exceptional" (George Carlin's words), and if everyone dances around the subject, the parents continue to live in denial., and the kid will continue on in life without receiving the help he needs. And there are only so many positions at the DMV.


"I'm sorry to inform you ma'am, but your son is an idiot"....well, maybe a bit more tact than that, but you get the gist.

I'm not Sherlock Holmes, but I can tell when there's a turd in the punchbowl.