Would You Mention This to DCP's?

[SunshineMama]

I just had a 3.5 year dcb old make a #2 in his pants at naptime. He started shaking and crying and yelling, "It was an accident!" He has done this before, and I have written about this before on the forum a long time ago as well.

As I was cleaning him up, he freaked out and cried and said, "I dont want a cold shower!" (Again, i have heard this before). DCD told me once they do cold showers when the used to play in their poop. I told him that I was not going to do that and he calmed down. When he was all clean, I gave him a hug, i just felt so bad for him!

So, here is my dilemna. DCB is begging me not to tell dcm and dcd, because he doesnt want a cold shower when he gets home. Should I just not mention it? I dont think it is fair for him to be punished at home for a potty accident at daycare, and I disagree with the method as well.

[daycare]

I just had a 3.5 year dcb old make a #2 in his pants at naptime. He started shaking and crying and yelling, "It was an accident!" He has done this before, and I have written about this before on the forum a long time ago as well.

As I was cleaning him up, he freaked out and cried and said, "I dont want a cold shower!" (Again, i have heard this before). DCD told me once they do cold showers when the used to play in their poop. I told him that I was not going to do that and he calmed down. When he was all clean, I gave him a hug, i just felt so bad for him!

So, here is my dilemna. DCB is begging me not to tell dcm and dcd, because he doesnt want a cold shower when he gets home. Should I just not mention it? I dont think it is fair for him to be punished at home for a potty accident at daycare, and I disagree with the method as well.

omg that is horrible and mean of them... I would not tell the parents at all... that sounds like abuse if you ask me.....but I could be wrong.....

my dad did that to me when I was a kid and I would not get up on time for school......

[littlemissmuffet]

I would absolutely not tell the parents!

I would, however, try and educate the parents on new/different techniques to help deal with potty accidents... because what they are currently doing is obviously not working - not to mention CRUEL!

Poor boy.

[SunshineMama]

Ok I am glad that you guys are saying that, because I tossed the soiled underwear in the trash and just cleaned him up. I wasn't planning on saying anything but wanted to hear more opinions. I think it is awful to punish a kid for accidents and I think cold showers are cruel. It reminds me of the lady on Dr. Phil who gave her kid hot sauce for lying and cold showers as punishment.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Cold showers for discipline are abuse, plain and simple. That is absolutely unacceptable and I would print off papers discussing HOW NORMAL IT IS to have accidents/play in poop/whatever for his age.

Normally, I would tell the parents as a heads up. But, considering they have abused the child for accidents in the past absolutely not.

[Blackcat31]

Boy, that is a tough one.

As a parent, I would be livid if you deliberately kept something from me that is about my child. I don't think that is your right to do. kwim?

As a provider though I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think what I would do in your shoes, is mention to the parents that it happened but I would also tell them that their method of addressing it is considered abusive and that you would be happy to help them get some age appropriate resources so that the cold showering can be eliminated as a method of punishing.

I know you feel bad, but as a child care provider, it isn't our right to withhold or deny a parent information about their child simply because we disagree with how a parent handles it. If you feel that they are abusive, then your job is to report it not withhold it.

Also if you withhold this information from the parents, what message is that sending the child?

[daycare]

Boy, that is a tough one.

As a parent, I would be livid if you deliberately kept something from me that is about my child. I don't think that is your right to do. kwim?

As a provider though I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think what I would do in your shoes, is mention to the parents that it happened but I would also tell them that their method of addressing it is considered abusive and that you would be happy to help them get some age appropriate resources so that the cold showering can be eliminated as a method of punishing.

I know you feel bad, but as a child care provider, it isn't our right to withhold or deny a parent information about their child simply because we disagree with how a parent handles it. If you feel that they are abusive, then your job is to report it not withhold it.

Also if you withhold this information from the parents, what message is that sending the child?

this is very true BC.........

Also, how would you explain the change of clothes. I guess this would be the same as lying if we didn't tell them. I would tell the parents in front of the child what cold showering the child for having accidents is not ok. This way the child knows that it is not ok and if it happens again and he tells you, then you can turn them in..............BUT LIKE BC, talk to them first and see if you can help them find a better more acceptable method.....

[sharlan]

Unless the parent brings it up, I wouldn't say a word. And if they asked, I would just say, Oh, Johnny had a little accident today, no big deal. I don't tell my parents every little detail of our day.

Telling the parent not to give the child cold showers isn't going to change how they handle things. They are going to handle things the way they see fit.

[littlemissmuffet]

Boy, that is a tough one.

As a parent, I would be livid if you deliberately kept something from me that is about my child. I don't think that is your right to do. kwim?

As a provider though I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think what I would do in your shoes, is mention to the parents that it happened but I would also tell them that their method of addressing it is considered abusive and that you would be happy to help them get some age appropriate resources so that the cold showering can be eliminated as a method of punishing.

I know you feel bad, but as a child care provider, it isn't our right to withhold or deny a parent information about their child simply because we disagree with how a parent handles it. If you feel that they are abusive, then your job is to report it not withhold it.

Also if you withhold this information from the parents, what message is that sending the child?

I think you make some very valid points here, blackcat... but after giving it even more thought, I would still not tell the parents. That kid already likely has zero trust in his parents... and if she told, he won't be able to trust his provider either.
I think more harm would be done if the parents knew than didn't know... and I do feel it's my job to withold information if it protects the child (I would also call CPS, but I can't see that really going anywhere).

[tenderhearts]

In my opinion if it's just an occassional thing it's between me and the boy, it's done and over with, it's just an accident in his pants, if it were something serious like hitting, bitting ect, that's a different story, but an accident occassionaly in his pants I would not mention it. I'm not really sure cps even would do anything about that, now if you did it, that would be a different story. If the child starts having accidents frequently then I'd mention something.

[youretooloud]

I might completely forget to tell them. I get busy at pickup time, and don't remember everything from the day.

[bluemoose_mom]

My parents gave me a cold bath as a punishment around the age of 8 or 9, after sitting on a gravel road (my hands under my butt). I can very well imagine what this child's home life is like, and it's not pretty.

I would be calling CPS. Without a second thought.

I also wouldn't be telling the parents he had an accident.

(though bc had some very good points. Made me second guess myself, but I still wouldn't tell the parents, unless it happened a lot)

[Meeko]

Cold showers are abuse. Pure and simple. The poor child is obviously TERRIFIED.

This is a tough situation. The parents may well notice the child came home in different underwear (I know I would notice if it were my child). They will want to know why.

If you call CPS immediately the parents will know it was you who called them and may get vindictive (although this shouldn't deter you...but just prepare you)

If it were me, I would sit the parents down and have a serious chat with them.

I would tell them what happened. I would tell them that this is considered abuse and that you are a mandated reporter. I would tell them that I wanted to talk to them in case they didn't understand that the punishments are considered abusive.

I would tell them that it must stop immediately or I have no choice but to report it to CPS.

Their attitude will tell you a lot. If they act offended/aggressive/mind your own business about it....then call CPS straight away.

If they seem genuinely interested/concerned by your comments, then maybe they will learn something and stop doing it. There is a chance they just don't see anything wrong with it and need to be educated.

They must at least get a warning. Don't sweep it under the rug and hide it. That doesn't stop the abuse. It may save the child from THAT time, but it will still continue at home unless something is said or done.

[bunnyslippers]

This is a tough one. I think you need to tell the parents, because, as BC said, it is not your job to withhold information from parents. It is your job, however, to make sure the children in your care are safe. It doesn't sound as though that is the case once this poor little guy goes home. I would be perfectly upfront with the parents.

"DCB had an accident today while he was sleeping. He is quite concerned that he will have to take a cold shower as a consequence. He was frightened and cried for several minutes. I assured him that it was just an accident and got him cleaned up and calmed down. I would love to talk to you about other, less negative approaches for helping him further develop his toileting skills."

Unfortunately, this is probably a matter that should be reported to CPS. God forbid, something far worse could happen to this child. If you don't report it, then you are a contributor to the unsafe conditions this child goes home to. I know how hard it is to make that call...but it would be much harder in the future to receive a different one informing you of an injury to this poor little guy. I am not saying the parents are going to escalate to more abuse, but it is not up to us to predict the future.

Good luck. I am sorry both you and DCB have to deal with this stress and worry!

[countrymom]

I wouldn't say anything, and its happened here so I have never said anything. I simply wash their clothes, as for the underware--trust me, most parents don't realize what underware their kids have on, so I have spares.