OT: Breast Cancer

[Lucy]

You guys.... I don't know what to do!

On Friday, one of my Daycare moms said that she had gone in for a mammogram, and ended up having a needle biopsy. Today they called her and told her that her 3 lumps were cancerous!

I **** at emotions and showing empathy. I have empathy of course, but I'm always at a loss for what to say or do. Of course I listened and asked a couple questions, and I did manage to say I'm sorry to hear that. I get such anxiety... I kept thinking, do I hug her? OMG.

Now, before I come off as just being concerned about myself... I'm not. I feel horrible for this mom. I've had her 9 yr old son since he was 9 months old, and her 4 year old daughter since birth. And I feel horrible for the kids. She says she and dad are going to tell the kids tonight. She wanted me to watch for any signs of anything tomorrow and as the days go on. So yes, I feel terrible for this family. I didn't want it to sound like it's all about me and my anxieties.

That being said, have any of you had breast cancer or had a close friend or relative with it? What can I expect as far as her treatments? I have no idea. I've never known ANYONE with it. I've never even had a close friend or relative with cancer. I'm almost 50 years old, but I really have no experience with this, so my question is an honest one. What, in your experience, will this mom be going through in the coming months? How do you think it will be on the kids? The older one is a boy and tends to internalize things, and the little girl is just too young to understand. She will obviously know that something is going on if mom ends up losing her hair and getting nauseous and stuff, but she won't understand the explanation from the parents tonight.

Any help and insight would be appreciated. And help me to know what to say and do. I really **** when it comes to showing compassion! I hate to admit that, but I do. Thanks everyone.

[MarinaVanessa]

I don't have any experience with this other than my grandmother had breast cancer but they removed the cancerous lumps and I believe they did treatment but what or how many times I can't remember as I was too young. My grandmother never did end up getting it again however so I suppose your daycare mom has a better chance now than even my grandmother had 30 years ago. Hopefully it's not really bad.

[sharlan]

I have had breast cancer twice. I was given 6 mos to live, 21 yrs ago this week. I'm still here.

Treat this woman as you normally would. Do not treat her as an invalid, she's not. Don't treat her like a baby, she's not. She's still the same person. My best friend didn't know what to say, so he stopped coming by. I finally confronted him and asked what his problem was. Once we talked it out, we're still best friends. Cancer is NOT contagious. Nor is it something to be whispered about behind closed doors.

Do little things for this family.
Give them a gift cert for a local pizza parlor.
Send dinner home on chemo or radiation nights.
Offer to keep the kids for an extra hour or two.
Offer to take the kids to the movies, get them away from the stress.
Have the daycare kids draw her a picture, make a card. Send it on chemo or radiation days.
It's the little things that will help the most.

Go easy on the pink ribbon stuff. It gets old, really fast.

Don't feel sorry for her. She needs your empathy, not your pity.

IMHO, and others may disagree, but cancer is much harder on the family than it is on the patient. The spouse and children feel helpless, there's nothing they can do to make it better. The patient is too busy living it.

I acted as if I had a bad cold that would go away, except I spent a lot of time at dr's appts. I even took the daycare kids with me to dr's appts. They learned which nurses I would allow to draw blood and which ones I wouldn't allow near me. One of my fondest (not the right word, but I can't think of another) memories was being on my hands and knees in my front yard vomiting green from a test with dye. (I didn't make it into the house from the hospital.) My dc kids thought it was great and couldn't wait to tell their parents about it. I tried to keep things as light as possible for me, my family, and my daycare kids. One even went through it with me both times.

Everyone is different, I did what worked best for me. Follow your friend's cues, she'll let your know what she really needs.

[Scout]

3 Years ago my mom was diagnosed with stsge 3b lung cancer. She went for all her treatments(32 radiation & chemo for 4 mos I think) & 6 mos later wras cancer freehappyface
She will probably be going for a lot of testing the next few weeks. You may want to offer extended hours at a discounted rate for that to make it a little easier. Just be normal toward her. Treatments can work...my moms dr said that my mom did it by having a positive attitude( but I did take her to see Frank Kelley, he is s faith healer. amazing. u tell him your first name & he puts his thumb on your forehead & gives u saints to pray to. He gave me the patron saint of pregnancy after I had just had a mc...I am not overly religious but, wow. How the heck would he know that. My son was born 10 mos later!) Sorry for the rant, the point is she has to do anything she feels will help her. My mom still eats veggies like crazy because she believes it helps her stay healthy. If you can make it a little easier for her I know she will be forever grateful! The kids may need some extra love & attention but, u can definately help there!
oh & she may,be a little forgettful....chemo brain we call it!

[mom2many]

One of my best friends had it last year. She ended up having a lumpectomy and had both chemo and radiation. Her kids are older, so she didn't need help with them, but we brought dinners over, helped her with grocery shopping, housecleaning and washing. She was very tired and weak, so it was little things that made a huge difference for her.

[Lucy]

Great comments ladies. This is a tough one. I feel so bad for this family. Thanks for your help. Sharlan, those were some great suggestions and I will probably use them! Thanks!

[sharlan]

One of my best friends had it last year. She ended up having a lumpectomy and had both chemo and radiation. Her kids are older, so she didn't need help with them, but we brought dinners over, helped her with grocery shopping, housecleaning and washing. She was very tired and weak, so it was little things that made a huge difference for her.

My kids were 13 & 15, the first time. They didn't need to be taken care of physically, but they really needed distraction. They really appreciated my dc parent who took them to the movies, to the mall, out to lunch, just to get away. Everyone tried to focus on me and my needs. I also appreciated those that focused on my kids. My kids had a real fear that I was going to die. My sil had died a few years earlier from BC, so that was what they knew.

The little things really add up to big things.

[biglou]

On Cancer I have much to say, but won't. I recently lost my mom age 72 to cancer. Her fourth cancer since age fifty.

Here is the issue for people being treated for cancer. Every one reacts differently to treatment. Some people can perform reasonably well under treatment while others barely function. Since she is a customer for nearly nine years I expect the relations to be good.

She may need child care more and at unusual times. To help her, flexibility in scheduling and providing additional care when needed would be the best thing you could do her. If you do it for no additional charge (entirely up to you) it would be great because since she uses your services, it's because she has a job. And her medical treatments may require her to stop working thus leaving the family short on funds!

Hopefully the cancer is in early stage and she can recover without any relapse in two years or so.

Best wishes,

big Lou

[Lucy]

One of the other moms called me and said that mom with cancer called her to tell her about it. They have sort of become friends through my daycare. Anyway, this other mom said that she offered that she could take the kids home with her anytime they need her to, and that she would do whatever is needed in order to have the mom less stressed as she goes through her treatment process. I thought that was really nice.

She has an appointment in the morning (Wed) with an oncologist. She doesn't know yet what the course of treatment will be. As I stated, I have NO experience with breast cancer. Do the doctors decide between radiation and chemotherapy? Which is easier, or does it depend on the person? What are the side effects of each?

Thanks again.

[Lucy]

Update

The mom had an appointment with her oncologist today. Wow, she's having practically every form of treatment I've heard of. She has a very aggressive form of breast cancer.

They are doing 3 chemo drugs every 3 weeks for 6 times... so that takes her to February, then she's having a double mastectomy (!!) then continuing with 1 chemo drug for about 8 more months, then radiation and also a preventative removal of her ovaries. I may have the timing wrong, but at some point, she's having all those treatments done. Wow. I can't even fathom going through that with kids, a husband, and a job to worry about. Not to mention worrying about yourself! But we women know that we tend to worry about everyone else first.

I talked today with the other DC mom who she has become friends with, and we're going to send dinners home on the chemo nights. We both told her we'd do whatever needs done. God, I just feel so bad for her and her family.

[Scout]

Oh. the poor woman. Hopefully she will have an easy time like my mom did. As a mom my biggest fear is leaving my kids(see in my head that Terms of Endearment scene).

[Country Kids]

I had a friend that just went through this recently.

She wrote a blog about it and I know she wouldn't mind me linking you to it.

It might help you because she did write about things people brought her to get her and it helped alot.

http://www.themylersjourney.blogspot.com/

If you have anymore questions please feel free to pm me and I'm sure my friend would have no worries about your dc mom emailing her and asking questions.

[Lucy]

I had a friend that just went through this recently.

She wrote a blog about it and I know she wouldn't mind me linking you to it.

It might help you because she did write about things people brought her to get her and it helped alot.

http://www.themylersjourney.blogspot.com/

If you have anymore questions please feel free to pm me and I'm sure my friend would have no worries about your dc mom emailing her and asking questions.

What an awesome blog! I went to the beginning and read from the bottom up. It sounds like she went through very similar treatments as my DC mom. The port being installed and staying in for all the chemo treatments... the type of chemo... etc. I will definitely send the link to the mom. Thanks!! And thanks to your friend too. I will bookmark her blog and keep reading.

[Country Kids]

What an awesome blog! I went to the beginning and read from the bottom up. It sounds like she went through very similar treatments as my DC mom. The port being installed and staying in for all the chemo treatments... the type of chemo... etc. I will definitely send the link to the mom. Thanks!! And thanks to your friend too. I will bookmark her blog and keep reading.

She is very, very insperational. I love how she let people know what helped her with her treatments-being cold, nausea, losing the hair, etc.

I just know in my heart if that were to happen to me there is no way I could even attempt to keep working.