Did I Miss My Window Of Opportunity To Terminate Immediately?

[Unregistered]

You do know that Soccormom was trying to be helpful and supportive but in her defense, it is a bit difficult to do when you come out automatically so angry and hostile. ???

I am sure she was NOT intentially insulting as she is normally a very helpful and supportive member here.

I am confused though as to why you sound so angry in both of your posts? :confused:

Like I directly posted to you......I understand and sympathyze in regards to having a difficult child but BOTH Marina Vanessa and Soccormom were simply trying to advise, help and support the original poster of this thread.

What you have to offer could have been done so in a more constructive manner.

I'm sorry to come across angry. It's more like exasperated. The parenting forum I'm on is brutally harsh about Daycare providers and policy. On the flip side I find many of the caregiver opinions very unsupportive and narrowminded as well. I've never seen such disregard for kids struggling in actual practice so it surprises me to see children like my so easily condemned with little information. Not to mention trying to tell me what my child sounds like. I've never seen the like of it.

[Blackcat31]

I'm sorry to come across angry. It's more like exasperated. The parenting forum I'm on is brutally harsh about Daycare providers and policy. On the flip side I find many of the caregiver opinions very unsupportive and narrowminded as well. I've never seen such disregard for kids struggling in actual practice so it surprises me to see children like my so easily condemned with little information. Not to mention trying to tell me what my child sounds like. I've never seen the like of it.

I am not trying to make excuses but since you are a provider, you know how easy it is to come down on the parents because in all honesty, 95% of the problems we have with children in our care does stem from parental input (or lack of) and the type of care/discipline they receive at home.

I think kids like your DS (and mine) are truly few and far between. There are simply kids who literally do not fit into any mold, letter diagnosis or typical anything. I got one. Sounds like you do too.

It is frustrating. It's exhausting and it is unfair. It was also hard to hear others try to fit my "irregular" child into definitions of normal childhood behaviors.

That being said however, there are others who do understand and could maybe even offer you some advice and support if you need it. Sometimes others have that missing piece that makes the difference. Sometimes that piece is perspective, sometimes it is a hint or clue, sometimes it is just a sympathetic ear.

I think while being defensive about providers making sweeping generalizations about mis-behaving children, you did the same about providers all being the same and thinking it is ALWAYS the parents fault.

I think because you do have a unique perspective, you would definitely be valued here as being able to offer another viewpoint and educate providers about those rare but very real kids who have fantastic parents but really tough kids.

[daycarediva]

I think it's a contradiction that your son screams, bites and (hits?) and does well in group care.

I have had kids that were more aggressive and I worked with the parents to lessen the behavior. My own ds was much like you are describing and he would have been termed anywhere else. He is my youngest and my other kids were NEVER aggressive.

That being said, the reason that I decided to term this girl was because there was NO WAY to keep the other kids safe from her without separating her completely and all the time. Even for meals. THAT would NEVER happen in my home.

I also think that if you expect more of kids that they will rise to the challenge. Most of my dck's don't behave nearly as well for their parents as they do for me. Why? because like it or not, any behavior that you have allowed is behavior that will continue. I hold a NO AGGRESSION policy in my home and in my daycare. It took 2 YEARS for me to let my own DS out of my sight (from 12m-3yrs) but at age 3-4 they have the understanding to KNOW that their behavior is wrong and I do believe that they can almost always control themselves.

My ds is 4 now and the sweetest kid at preschool. He has never once hit there, he hasn't hit at home in a year.

What are the consequences for your ds at daycare and at home when he is abusive to the other kids? Would an incentive help?

I do believe some kids are just naturally more aggressive/rough and naturally more strong willed. The combination makes for a tough kid to raise. I don't think it's fair to just say "that's the way he is" though. He obviously isn't happy because he is hitting/biting and I'm sure the other kids don't want to be hit/bit either.

[MarinaVanessa]

User logged out because I just can't remember my password. What is this "wake up call" that I hear about that parents of children need. Why is it that parents with kids like my youngest need to be constantly reminded of how awful our children are as if we don't already know and feel horrible.

My son bites, he scratches, he's gets angry and screams. He's also very loving and funny and intelligent. He's 3 and stubborn to the max. Why do parents like me need to 'wake up' to what we already know about our children?

I've already read a million times here how my son would be termed by many of you by behaviours I have NO control over while he's in other providers care. I work in the same daycare my kids attend. My daughter is a text book dream child. My son is demanding, intense and easily frustrated. I know this. I take summers off to try to work with him on this. I read the books, I have the discussions, I don't used violence to teach non violence. I was an excellent caregiver to infants and toddlers for 12 years before I had him. Then I had him and he blew all my theories about children getting personalities from their parents out of the water, blew them all to he**.

Yet as I read on this website I hear a million times about how the parents need to pay, need to make a change, need to fix it. He's not biting when I'm with him! He's biting in someone elses care. I'm glad my sons care providers have never made me feel like I'm to blame for all of his emotional rollercoasters. He's 3 and finally starting to show signs of growing out of it. Thank heavans. But most of the providers on this site would have had it shoved in my face that I have to somehow magically change my sons temperment. The one he was born with and I've been studiously trying to alter since the day he was born. He's not special needs, he's just a little bugger. Mommy guilt is a heck of a downer to have thrown in a parents face.

And thats another thing.. why is it always the moms that need to wake up? Why is the dumping rarely done on the dads? they're the ones wrestling with the little monsters and trying to watch shows like "jackass" in front of them. Rarely the moms, yet we take all the heat.

Rant over, carry on.

I didn't see this post before but I would like to address it now since it was my post that was quoted.

The wake up call that I was referring to was this moms wake-up call in this particular situation. The child has repetedly shown aggression towards the other children to the point of escalating to choking a child for no apparent reason. The OP said that the child has been in several other childcares (FCC & center) and that she believes that the child was probably terminated for behavior. The wake up call that I was talking about referred to this information. If the child was in fact terminated for challenging behavior issues that had not been addressed before then hopefully this time terminating care would be a wake-up call for DCM that either something needed to be done or the problem would continue.

In most cases some types of aggressive behavior is normal because kids havn't yet learned a proper way to communicate ... I don't believe that a 4yo choking another child is normal.

I did not mention the dad in this situation because I do not know that a dad exists in this particular situation because one was not mentioned. Again, I was not speaking generally, about other moms or about you or your situation ... only speaking about this situation, this child and this DCM.

As a mother of a child with a ADHD, impulse control and behavioral challenges I personally don't believe that every avenue is ever exhausted until the behavior has improved and it is my responsibility as a mother to make sure that I do everything in my power to make sure that my child gets any help she may need so that she does not hurt anyone else.

And just so that it's said, I personally didn't take what was said in offense.