Aspergers...

[littlemissmuffet]

I have recently noticed that at least a few of the providers here have mentioned they have children of their own with aspergers... or even have aspergers themselves. I have recently begun researching aspergers because it appears to run in my husband's family, and we suspect he himself has some tendencies of aspergers.

I am currently pregnant with our first child and we have discussed the reality that our child may end up having aspergers. My husband's child from a previous relationship does, so I want to prepare as best I can.

I have read alot of information on the internet, but I would love to hear some first hand experiences in having aspergers/having a child with aspergers.

If anyone is comfortable sharing (good, bad and everything in between) I would really appreciate it.

Thanks!

[Michelle]

I took care of a little girl with it and she was a little sweetheart.
She was very attached to her dad and she related more with the much younger kids. I had no problems with her at all. She is 21 now and we are facebook friends. I worried that she would be taken advantage of by men because she is very trusting but so far she is doing good. happyface

[youretooloud]

Try to watch the documentary on netflix called "Loving Lamposts". It's more about autism, but, it also talks about the whole spectrum.

Many years ago, a kid with aspergers was just considered quirky. Like the kid in "Incredibly loud and extremely close". The kids were odd, quirky, too smart, but had social problems. However, they weren't labeled with anything. So, that's why it seems more common now.

[Blackcat31]

Try to watch the documentary on netflix called "Loving Lamposts". It's more about autism, but, it also talks about the whole spectrum.

Many years ago, a kid with aspergers was just considered quirky. Like the kid in "Incredibly loud and extremely close". The kids were odd, quirky, too smart, but had social problems. However, they weren't labeled with anything. So, that's why it seems more common now.

This is my son. He is "different" compared to the stereotypical boy but is warm, loving and a genuinely great person. He struggled through school his whole life. He was a very likeable child but his tendancies to only see the world as black or white created a myriad of issues as he grew older.

He tended to revert into himself and became an avid reader. On one hand, that was great that he liked to read but on the other hand, it left him out of touch with the world around him. Which we (his father and I) came to realize was what he wanted. He had friends in school but most of them were friends he made in early childhood. I think those friends had a chance to form a relationship with him before they were able to form biases about kids who may be different or not like them....kwim?

The biggest thing with my DS was his ability to carry on a conversation. When talking with him, it was like listening to a documentary or a dictionary definition. There were very little facial expressions, very little body language and a majority of his speech was very monotone and showed little if any emotion or expression.

He prefered adults from a very early age. I think he liked the no nononsenseness they offered vesus a child his own age. My DS has a very high IQ and is very analytical and logical. He has trouble understanding how to banter back and forth with others as he sees/hears the words and takes them personally every time.

He has trouble picking up little things in people's conversations with him such as humor or "ya know what I mean?" kind of stuff. He doesn't "get" puns or inuendos. He says what he means and means what he says.....which at times could be embarrassing as a preschooler. He would often ask why someone was picking their nose or why they were fat or dirty or has hair on their chin etc.

They often tried in school to label him as ADD but he didn't ever really fit that description. We had a tough time and I am very grateful that he is out of the school system and no longer has to deal with it. I think it shaped who he is and I think school and the bullying had a profound effect on his self esteem and his picture of who he is as a person. He struggled a few years with depression and severe anxiety and saw a therapist as well as medication in his middle teen years.

As an adult now, he still struggles but has learned techniques and things to make it easier for him. He also has a great support system and a good group of friends who like and appreciate him for who he is.

MissMuffets, if you have any specific questions, I would be happy to answer them. I KNEW my son had aspergers at an early age, but since it wasn't really recognized or well known then our struggle was a bit different. I will gladly help though if I can

[littlemissmuffet]

This is my son. He is "different" compared to the stereotypical boy but is warm, loving and a genuinely great person. He struggled through school his whole life. He was a very likeable child but his tendancies to only see the world as black or white created a myriad of issues as he grew older.

He tended to revert into himself and became an avid reader. On one hand, that was great that he liked to read but on the other hand, it left him out of touch with the world around him. Which we (his father and I) came to realize was what he wanted. He had friends in school but most of them were friends he made in early childhood. I think those friends had a chance to form a relationship with him before they were able to form biases about kids who may be different or not like them....kwim?

The biggest thing with my DS was his ability to carry on a conversation. When talking with him, it was like listening to a documentary or a dictionary definition. There were very little facial expressions, very little body language and a majority of his speech was very monotone and showed little if any emotion or expression.

He prefered adults from a very early age. I think he liked the no nononsenseness they offered vesus a child his own age. My DS has a very high IQ and is very analytical and logical.

This sounds very much like my hubby! Of course, I didn't know how he was when he was a child, but I knew him as a teen and now as an adult and his mother would agree that he had a harder time when he was a child - he's learned different techniques as he got older, just like your son.

My husband gets different humor, puns and such... but his younger cousin with aspergers does not and has a difficult time carrying on conversations with others. His cousin also just seems completely distant from the rest of the world - i.e. at his grandfather's funeral while everyone was mourning he was more interested in finding somewhere to watch the football game, and didn't understand how that was rude to others. He also just says certain things out of nowhere that are not coherant/relevant to a current particular conversation. I can see how he has a hard time making/keeping friends - but we hope as he gets older (he's still in his teens) he will learn to cope better and find a support system (he lives in a different city than us, so we're not much help).

I guess I just worry that if my child has aspergers that they won't fit in and will feel alone. Both my husband and I suffer from ongoing depression and seasonal affective disorder, which our child will be predisposed to, so adding another disorder that could alienate our child worries me a fair bit. It's very good to hear that your son found a great group of friends who love him, BlackCat!

Youretooloud, I will check that documentary out, for sure! Thanks for the heads up!

Michelle, good to know your little one grew up just fine

[Lilbutterflie]

I would like to add that there is still a good chance that even though your husband's genetics predispose your child to asperger's; it doesn't mean that your child will have it.

My mom & everyone else in her family that I know of ALL were manic depressive. My mom was so severely depressed that she eventually took her own life; and her sisters have all attempted it at one point or another but survived. My cousins have all dealt with depression also (the offspring of my mom's sisters). I worried so much that I would eventually be a victim to depression and I mostly worried for my husband and children to have to deal with it. However, I am in my 30's now and still just as happy and well balanced as I can be!!! happyfacehappyface

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I have Asperger's.

I have learned how to "fake" being normal to the outside world. It is absolutely draining, though. I can be smiley, energetic, talkative, etc. and then will barely speak for the next day or so. ::

It has affected my life in a variety of ways. I can research and read until the end of the world. That has greatly benefited me. I think the struggles are what more people are curious about, though.

1. I have sensory issues and this can make my job difficult. One of my biggest ones is the wind (which can't be avoided during our 1.5 hours of outside time, or our field days where we spend the entire day outside!). The wind hitting me actually feels like someone is hitting me. It makes me cringe to think about it. I LOVE the days where I have to wear a coat and hat because it covers up a little more skin.

2. I get overstimulated very easily. I work hard, and because of that I am often spent after the work day is over. My husband says that I retreat to "the cave" (our bedroom) after work and that is a very true observation. Even our dang fish tank (with the water filtering into it like a small waterfall) overstimulates me with the noise it makes and I can't handle it at all. I either have children's music on or I hide somewhere that I can't hear it.
On weekends, I can go out and do things for 1 day. The next day has to be spent in the house going no where. If I go out and do things for 2 days in a row I don't function well for the entire week.

3. I see everything in black and white. In marriage, this causes so many issues.
My friends in my Bible study chuckle because I always set the goal for myself to "see some gray" when it comes to my husband. Every week they ask how that went and it always is the same. "Wellll, I really tried but I really don't understand." In marriage, I end up saying, "I am sorry" A LOT (seemingly at least once a day) or "I don't understand" or "When I said ___ I mean ____." because what I say never comes across as what I actually mean to him. I may say something in a certain way and he'll ask, "So you are mad about XYZ?" when I actually wasn't mad, I was sad. It's like my wiring got crossed.

4. I don't "need" friends. I like to chit chat to people every now and then but it is really difficult for me to keep up with the normal ebb and flow of conversation, the different moods of people, the facial expressions, etc. It's just too much. I can handle electronic communication much better which is why I really enjoy this message board.
I joined a small Bible study in my small community to force me to interact with other adults. I want to be well rounded but it exhausts me. I go once a week for 1-1.5 hours and it is all the socialization I need for an entire week. Really, that socialization could last me for a month.

5. I don't focus well when a topic isn't interesting to me. It sounds extremely selfish and I am constantly trying to correct it (since very few topics actually DO interest me) but it's a fact. People with Asperger's generally don't care about the stuff others care about and it shows.

6. I suffer from anxiety and depression (which many Aspies do). When I was younger, they tried to diagnose me with ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). I didn't have issues with complying with authority all of the time, however. It was when an adult wanted me to do something that made no sense to me.

There's so much I could write about, but I don't want you to have to read a novel. My little brother has PDD-NOS. He can convey a sense of normality to a certain extent as well, but if you spent 24 hours with him you would definitely know he is on the spectrum. I am higher functioning than he is. However, he is going to dental school and is "school smart" to the extreme!
Oh, and my parents? They think my Doctor is a quack and that I am normal. LOL!

As far as adding more to your child's load ... you don't know that! Don't worry about the days ahead, just focus on today if you can.
Here's my list: Asperger's, depression, anxiety, Celiacs, PCOS, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
I graduated college, run a successful business, have a husband, a teen, and we're trying to conceive biological children I'm in my early 20's.

[littlemissmuffet]

Lilbutterflie, oh I know... I just want to be as prepared as possible. Also, because my husband and I think he has Aspergers, learning as much as I can about it will help our relationship as well

Thank you so much for sharing, Entropy. I can see quite a few of your character traits in my husband as well... particularily the whole not being able to focus on things he isn't interested in (and not being interested in many mainstream things)! I know that my husband often has to "fake" emotion as well, most people who "know" him don't really know him at all.

I appreciate the information from this kind of perspective!
Your concluding sentence says it all... and puts many of my worries to rest. Thank you And good for you, by the way, for being so successful!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I read a book recently that you might find interesting!
It's called Alone Together and is written by a wife who is married to a man with Asperger's. My husband wants a husband to write one now. ::

I think it's important to realize, as the spouse of someone with Asperger's, that just because your spouse doesn't seem interested in what you are talking about doesn't mean that they aren't interested in you. I'm not sure how well I worded that, but sometimes my husband feels unimportant because I am unable to fake my interest in topics that fascinate him.

[littlemissmuffet]

I read a book recently that you might find interesting!
It's called Alone Together and is written by a wife who is married to a man with Asperger's. My husband wants a husband to write one now. ::

I think it's important to realize, as the spouse of someone with Asperger's, that just because your spouse doesn't seem interested in what you are talking about doesn't mean that they aren't interested in you. I'm not sure how well I worded that, but sometimes my husband feels unimportant because I am unable to fake my interest in topics that fascinate him.

I am definitely going to look into this book! Sounds like it could really help me understand more.

One thing I have learned over the years is to MAKE my husband interested in what I'm talking about by tying it to things he is interested in. It actually works quite well because we do have alot on common... I could see more issues if our interests were completely different! Thanks again!

[Blackcat31]

I have Asperger's.

I have learned how to "fake" being normal to the outside world. It is absolutely draining, though. I can be smiley, energetic, talkative, etc. and then will barely speak for the next day or so. ::

It has affected my life in a variety of ways. I can research and read until the end of the world. That has greatly benefited me. I think the struggles are what more people are curious about, though.

1. I have sensory issues and this can make my job difficult. One of my biggest ones is the wind (which can't be avoided during our 1.5 hours of outside time, or our field days where we spend the entire day outside!). The wind hitting me actually feels like someone is hitting me. It makes me cringe to think about it. I LOVE the days where I have to wear a coat and hat because it covers up a little more skin.

2. I get overstimulated very easily. I work hard, and because of that I am often spent after the work day is over. My husband says that I retreat to "the cave" (our bedroom) after work and that is a very true observation. Even our dang fish tank (with the water filtering into it like a small waterfall) overstimulates me with the noise it makes and I can't handle it at all. I either have children's music on or I hide somewhere that I can't hear it.
On weekends, I can go out and do things for 1 day. The next day has to be spent in the house going no where. If I go out and do things for 2 days in a row I don't function well for the entire week.

3. I see everything in black and white. In marriage, this causes so many issues.
My friends in my Bible study chuckle because I always set the goal for myself to "see some gray" when it comes to my husband. Every week they ask how that went and it always is the same. "Wellll, I really tried but I really don't understand." In marriage, I end up saying, "I am sorry" A LOT (seemingly at least once a day) or "I don't understand" or "When I said ___ I mean ____." because what I say never comes across as what I actually mean to him. I may say something in a certain way and he'll ask, "So you are mad about XYZ?" when I actually wasn't mad, I was sad. It's like my wiring got crossed.

4. I don't "need" friends. I like to chit chat to people every now and then but it is really difficult for me to keep up with the normal ebb and flow of conversation, the different moods of people, the facial expressions, etc. It's just too much. I can handle electronic communication much better which is why I really enjoy this message board.
I joined a small Bible study in my small community to force me to interact with other adults. I want to be well rounded but it exhausts me. I go once a week for 1-1.5 hours and it is all the socialization I need for an entire week. Really, that socialization could last me for a month.

5. I don't focus well when a topic isn't interesting to me. It sounds extremely selfish and I am constantly trying to correct it (since very few topics actually DO interest me) but it's a fact. People with Asperger's generally don't care about the stuff others care about and it shows.
6. I suffer from anxiety and depression (which many Aspies do). When I was younger, they tried to diagnose me with ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). I didn't have issues with complying with authority all of the time, however. It was when an adult wanted me to do something that made no sense to me.

There's so much I could write about, but I don't want you to have to read a novel. My little brother has PDD-NOS. He can convey a sense of normality to a certain extent as well, but if you spent 24 hours with him you would definitely know he is on the spectrum. I am higher functioning than he is. However, he is going to dental school and is "school smart" to the extreme!
Oh, and my parents? They think my Doctor is a quack and that I am normal. LOL!

As far as adding more to your child's load ... you don't know that! Don't worry about the days ahead, just focus on today if you can.
Here's my list: Asperger's, depression, anxiety, Celiacs, PCOS, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
I graduated college, run a successful business, have a husband, a teen, and we're trying to conceive biological children I'm in my early 20's.

That is a HUGE one for my son. My husband often thought he was simply lazy or didn't care. He would say, "Well he can sure stay on task when HE wants to but if he doesn't care then he doesn't put any effort into it." Which I suppose was just like you explained. He couldnt stay on task, even if he wanted to and then the things he did like or was interested in, he would literally talk non-stop about sometimes often going into such minute details that it is hard to have a conversation with him.

I am super glad that this message board has been a good thing for you. I think my DS enjoys online stuff with his few friends because it is easier and you don't have to read people that way.

I really have a ton of respect for you as I have seen first hand how hard Aspergers can be to deal with. I think from the sounds of your posts, you are doing really really well! So super happy for you and super happy you feel comfortable enough to share

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Thank you, that is very sweet!

It's nice to have this board to bounce ideas off of and get ideas from. It has helped me come a long ways in a short amount of time. happyface

[Angelsj]

Of my eight, four are somewhere on the spectrum.

One was diagnosed with autism 20 plus years ago, before Asperger's became well known. He was pretty classic, though quiet young, and we did a LOT of therapy. Today, he would be on the scale as an "Aspie." He is incredibly intelligent (IQ above 180) but does not really understand feelings.

We have done a ton of work throughout his life on social skills, and still (in his third year of college) he will call and ask about a new situation. His social skills blossomed about the time he went to college. They see him as a little odd, but personable, and a good person. He is UNAFFECTED by any type of personal insult. He simply does not recognize it.

One was diagnosed about age 5, when she was speaking three languages fluently, reading at a late high school level, and doing algebra. She is 16 and in her 2nd year of college.

She is almost the opposite where feelings are concerned. She feels everything and is affected by everyone's problems. She has to solve world hunger, and your hang nail. However, she also has zero need for friends or even people in general. They are a curiousity, a puzzle to be sorted and fixed. Her only frustrations come in people not "fixing" like math problems will fix.

Two kids, two very different people, both with Asperger's. I agree we see more labeling happening because before, they were just quirky or weird. If you know anything about Aristotle, you can see that he was quite likely as Aspie as well. However, to get along in today's world, we cannot be too quirky. I would encourage you to do just what you are doing. Learn all you can so you can be aware, and just keep an eye out for your child's unique skills and needs. You will be fine.

[e.j.]

I'm amazed at how many of us here have young adult children who are about the same age. (Or in Entropy's case, is the same age as our kids!) Do you know what I would have given 10-15 years ago to have had contact with so many people who could have offered answers and support as I was raising my child with AS?!

As a parent, I can relate to just about everything that's been written above and I'm pretty sure my son (21yo) could relate to most of it as well. I think it's a great idea for you to educate yourself about Asperger's. Even if your own child doesn't end up having it, it will help you understand your husband and his relatives a little more and any kids in your day care who may have it. The one thing I'd suggest that you keep in mind as you're reading is that everyone is different. Like someone on an AS message board once said, "If you've met one kid with Asperger's, you've met one kid with Asperger's." The books give you an idea of what "textbook" AS looks like but there are so many nuances in real life. Both my son and my husband have AS and while they share some characteristics typical of AS, they are very different in many ways. They each have their own strengths and weaknesses. It's funny because they've both said to me about the other, "He's way more affected by AS than I am!" I laugh because from my perspective, they're both on the high end of the spectrum and affected equally - just in very different ways.

Some of the bad when he was younger: daily meltdowns, trying to reason with someone who can't always be reasoned with, potty training issues, non-stop/mind-numbing talking, difficulty with sleep, anxiety and depression, OCD, sensory issues, dealing with the school/IEP meetings and social skills issues/bullying. I think the bullying and dealing with the school were the worst for me as a parent. Also, wondering constantly if you are doing enough to prepare your child for adult life.

Some of the bad now that he's older: watching him doubt himself and the loneliness he feels at times. Knowing he wants what the other guys his age have and take for granted and feeling like he'll never have it.

Some of the good: OMG...so many it's hard to list just a few! Watching him hit milestones - sometimes later than other kids his age but it makes it all the more sweet when he gets there! Watching the surprised looks on people's faces when they start talking to a 4 year old who has the vocabulary of an adult. Watching him develop into the genuinely nice guy he is today. He's honest, hard working, kind, loving, highly intelligent and has a wonderful sense of humor (even though the books say people with AS don't generally have a good sense of humor.) I have a relationship with my son that I wouldn't trade for anything. We've gone through a lot together over the years and shed many tears but it's brought us close. I have so much love and respect for this kid!

He graduated this past spring from college with honors, just landed his first full-time job about 5 weeks ago and it's been great watching him gain self-confidence. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping things just keep going up from here!

Good luck with your pregnancy! Enjoy it and try not to waste time worrying about what "may" be in the future.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I'm amazed at how many of us here have young adult children who are about the same age. (Or in Entropy's case, is the same age as our kids!) Do you know what I would have given 10-15 years ago to have had contact with so many people who could have offered answers and support as I was raising my child with AS?!

As a parent, I can relate to just about everything that's been written above and I'm pretty sure my son (21yo) could relate to most of it as well. I think it's a great idea for you to educate yourself about Asperger's. Even if your own child doesn't end up having it, it will help you understand your husband and his relatives a little more and any kids in your day care who may have it. The one thing I'd suggest that you keep in mind as you're reading is that everyone is different. Like someone on an AS message board once said, "If you've met one kid with Asperger's, you've met one kid with Asperger's." The books give you an idea of what "textbook" AS looks like but there are so many nuances in real life. Both my son and my husband have AS and while they share some characteristics typical of AS, they are very different in many ways. They each have their own strengths and weaknesses. It's funny because they've both said to me about the other, "He's way more affected by AS than I am!" I laugh because from my perspective, they're both on the high end of the spectrum and affected equally - just in very different ways.

Some of the bad when he was younger: daily meltdowns, trying to reason with someone who can't always be reasoned with, potty training issues, non-stop/mind-numbing talking, difficulty with sleep, anxiety and depression, OCD, sensory issues, dealing with the school/IEP meetings and social skills issues/bullying. I think the bullying and dealing with the school were the worst for me as a parent. Also, wondering constantly if you are doing enough to prepare your child for adult life.

Some of the bad now that he's older: watching him doubt himself and the loneliness he feels at times. Knowing he wants what the other guys his age have and take for granted and feeling like he'll never have it.

Some of the good: OMG...so many it's hard to list just a few! Watching him hit milestones - sometimes later than other kids his age but it makes it all the more sweet when he gets there! Watching the surprised looks on people's faces when they start talking to a 4 year old who has the vocabulary of an adult. Watching him develop into the genuinely nice guy he is today. He's honest, hard working, kind, loving, highly intelligent and has a wonderful sense of humor (even though the books say people with AS don't generally have a good sense of humor.) I have a relationship with my son that I wouldn't trade for anything. We've gone through a lot together over the years and shed many tears but it's brought us close. I have so much love and respect for this kid!

He graduated this past spring from college with honors, just landed his first full-time job about 5 weeks ago and it's been great watching him gain self-confidence. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping things just keep going up from here!

Good luck with your pregnancy! Enjoy it and try not to waste time worrying about what "may" be in the future.

That is so true.


Before I got married, the lonliness I felt was overwhelming. I found it difficult to relate to others so I had no strong friendships. My husband is goofy and pretty laid back which attracted me. I could be as odd as I wanted and he just found it charming. We met at Church.