Ugh, ODD Boy Again

[sahm2three]

Had a chat with mom. She reacted like I thought. Lashed out at me. Threatened to take the kids somewhere else and I called her bluff and told her that may be what we have to do. She made an appt with Dr. to discuss a plan of some kind/medication. I am glad. Not just for my sake, but for his. We'll see where it goes from here. Hoping I can get thru this week without too much more frustration. Thanks everyone.

[professionalmom]

Had a chat with mom. She reacted like I thought. Lashed out at me. Threatened to take the kids somewhere else and I called her bluff and told her that may be what we have to do. She made an appt with Dr. to discuss a plan of some kind/medication. I am glad. Not just for my sake, but for his. We'll see where it goes from here. Hoping I can get thru this week without too much more frustration. Thanks everyone.

What I was trying to say before (but was rushed with hubby waiting on me) was that we WANT to help and fix children like this, but the best thing we can do is realize that the child needs more than what any one person can provide, especially when that one person has other children to look after. Even without this one child, I am sure you could compete for Superwoman of the Year just like many of us. But with this child, you are going for martyrdom. It sad that the mother cares more about passing the buck than stepping up and getting him the help he needs and deserves. Then again, if she just passes the buck to you and you can't fix him (because no 1 person can), then she can blame you for him not turning out the way she wanted. Sadly, she will probably just do the daycare hop until he goes to school, gets labeled, and put on drugs (behavior controlling medication). SAD, SAD, SAD. Try to convince the mom to get him real help, then let it go and focus on the other children you have. You DO have the power to make a REAL difference in their lives. And who knows, by lighting a fire under this mom, maybe you will end up being the catalyst that gets her to get him the help he needs, so you would be making a world of difference in his life.

I'm sending you prayers and hugs. Tonight treat yourself to a cup of tea or a margarita (or whatever eases your mind and soothes your soul), listen to some relaxing music, and maybe even get a well earned massage from someone. You deserve all of it for struggling for so long.

[nannyde]

Had a chat with mom. She reacted like I thought. Lashed out at me. Threatened to take the kids somewhere else and I called her bluff and told her that may be what we have to do. She made an appt with Dr. to discuss a plan of some kind/medication. I am glad. Not just for my sake, but for his. We'll see where it goes from here. Hoping I can get thru this week without too much more frustration. Thanks everyone.

I'm not surprised she lashed out. You just told her NO. She's used to the YES that she can have her mentally ill child in your day care without providing services AND funding for his special needs. Every day she gets to take him to a setting without these in place she is not having to DEAL with his illness/disorder.

Its not good for him or HER to have him in a regular program without services. She needs to come to the realization that having a diagnosis for him does no good if the services and MONEY are not in place for his day to day care. He needs to be funded as a special needs child where there is a significant amount of money available to hire the staff for the one to one care he needs.

This is an all too common situation where the parents get "help" up to the point of a diagnosis to EXPLAIN the child's behavior but once the diagnosis is given the HARD WORK of dealing with a mental disroder isn't done. She has to DO something other than just physically take him to a Child Psychiatrist. If he truly has this diagnosis then she needs to treat him just as any child with a medical condition is treated. He needs INTENSIVE supervision and therapy. It's just WRONG to have him in a day care funded as a regular child and expect one adult to be able to manage his special needs.

If you REALLY want to help him then let him go. Mom needs the life experience of one day care after another saying "No.. he can't enroll as a regular child with his special needs". He needs to be dismissed over and over and over again for her to get the idea that he HAS to have intensive services AND monies available for his care. The only way to get that across to her is to have every day care that would take him for regular pay tell her they won't take him without special needs pay. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again will get the message to the Mom.

Since she is the one to ultimately manage his life then SHE is the one who has to be schooled first. Nothing you do will affect this child if the Mom doesn't understand her role as the one RESPONSIBLE to make sure he gets what he needs from people who are PAID to give him what he needs. That means expensive providers doing the hard work of caring for this mentally ill child.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the YES she has gotten over the years in the care of this kid is directly related to the fact that he has siblings who are also funded from the State while he is in care. My guess is she has had provider after provider who have kept this kid as a regular paying kid because the provider gets the money for the other three kids. That works until they all get school aged and then it only works during the summer. She most likely hasn't been forced to get the funding and do the WORK of therapy and treatment because provider after provider tolerated him so they could have the money from the siblings pay.

It's awesome that you don't need the siblings and you don't need the money. This allows you to give the MOM the life experience of a NO she so desperately needs. It's criminal that she's had this diagnosis for two months and has done nothing that you are aware of to treat his illness. If she needs to be forced to deal with him AND get the funding in place it will in the end be what is in his first and best interest. The Mom first. That's your role in this. Stop the MOM from not dealing with this.

I wouldn't have any problem letting this kid go. I don't have the resources or education to work with a child with this kind of illness. It would be awful for him to be in this group of children without the supervision and treatment he needs. My world would be so harmful to him. I don't have the skill set or the money to provide him one to one care with State paid monies. He deserves to be with people who KNOW how to care for him... not just people who want to help but people who are being PAID to deal with his illness, trained to deal with his illness, and have relief people also trained and paid to deal with his illness on a day to day basis. If you don't know what to do with him NOW then you aren't the trained professional he needs. It's not a matter of learning what to do .. whoever has him should already KNOW how to care for him AND be paid the monies for that education and experience.

[sahm2three]

I'm not surprised she lashed out. You just told her NO. She's used to the YES that she can have her mentally ill child in your day care without providing services AND funding for his special needs. Every day she gets to take him to a setting without these in place she is not having to DEAL with his illness/disorder.

Its not good for him or HER to have him in a regular program without services. She needs to come to the realization that having a diagnosis for him does no good if the services and MONEY are not in place for his day to day care. He needs to be funded as a special needs child where there is a significant amount of money available to hire the staff for the one to one care he needs.

This is an all too common situation where the parents get "help" up to the point of a diagnosis to EXPLAIN the child's behavior but once the diagnosis is given the HARD WORK of dealing with a mental disroder isn't done. She has to DO something other than just physically take him to a Child Psychiatrist. If he truly has this diagnosis then she needs to treat him just as any child with a medical condition is treated. He needs INTENSIVE supervision and therapy. It's just WRONG to have him in a day care funded as a regular child and expect one adult to be able to manage his special needs.

If you REALLY want to help him then let him go. Mom needs the life experience of one day care after another saying "No.. he can't enroll as a regular child with his special needs". He needs to be dismissed over and over and over again for her to get the idea that he HAS to have intensive services AND monies available for his care. The only way to get that across to her is to have every day care that would take him for regular pay tell her they won't take him without special needs pay. OVER AND OVER AND OVER again will get the message to the Mom.

Since she is the one to ultimately manage his life then SHE is the one who has to be schooled first. Nothing you do will affect this child if the Mom doesn't understand her role as the one RESPONSIBLE to make sure he gets what he needs from people who are PAID to give him what he needs. That means expensive providers doing the hard work of caring for this mentally ill child.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the YES she has gotten over the years in the care of this kid is directly related to the fact that he has siblings who are also funded from the State while he is in care. My guess is she has had provider after provider who have kept this kid as a regular paying kid because the provider gets the money for the other three kids. That works until they all get school aged and then it only works during the summer. She most likely hasn't been forced to get the funding and do the WORK of therapy and treatment because provider after provider tolerated him so they could have the money from the siblings pay.

It's awesome that you don't need the siblings and you don't need the money. This allows you to give the MOM the life experience of a NO she so desperately needs. It's criminal that she's had this diagnosis for two months and has done nothing that you are aware of to treat his illness. If she needs to be forced to deal with him AND get the funding in place it will in the end be what is in his first and best interest. The Mom first. That's your role in this. Stop the MOM from not dealing with this.

I wouldn't have any problem letting this kid go. I don't have the resources or education to work with a child with this kind of illness. It would be awful for him to be in this group of children without the supervision and treatment he needs. My world would be so harmful to him. I don't have the skill set or the money to provide him one to one care with State paid monies. He deserves to be with people who KNOW how to care for him... not just people who want to help but people who are being PAID to deal with his illness, trained to deal with his illness, and have relief people also trained and paid to deal with his illness on a day to day basis. If you don't know what to do with him NOW then you aren't the trained professional he needs. It's not a matter of learning what to do .. whoever has him should already KNOW how to care for him AND be paid the monies for that education and experience.

You are completely right. I am so not trained to give him what he needs. I put him in the same category as my son, just because my son can be challenging, but in a completely different way and not even close to the same way. But my son can be misunderstood, so I was going to give the child the benefit of me trying to do everything I can. But I am realizing that it is at the expense of ALL of the other kids, mine included. And I owe this mother NOTHING. If she were doing half of what I have tried with him, I think we would see improvement. Ugh. Life is hard.