So Frustrated.. What Would You Do?

[Frustrated.]

I've had this child for almost a year. At his last daycare I think there was absolutely no discipline. Mom has told me it was kind of like being at "grandmas". So, she wanted more structure and for him to actually get to do some planned activities throughout the day, which is something I offer. Well.. It has been a tough year.

Ok, where do I start? He has a very hard time sitting still at all. We will be at the table waiting for snack and he will start spitting on the table.. For no reason and he does this often. I will ask him not to do something and he will look at me and do it again and then smile. I will tell him to go sit down and he will tell me " I don't want to or I'm not going to sit down" he screams at the children when they are doing something at bothers him. He will grab toys and throw them or bang them... Just because. I could go on and on. He is just a very rude child and I don't know what do anymore. I have tried talking to him about these things, i explain why we dont do these things. Today, I had enough and talked to mom. In the past talking to mom, has gotten me a "I don't know what to tell you"

Today, when she gave me that response I told her I need more than that from you guys, I need support or this is not going to get better. She blames it on nap time. She says it throws him off and he doesn't fall asleep until late at home... I have told her all the children nap and I can't accommodate children that don't nap. I don't have the room for children to stay up while others are napping. So, she is supposed to talk to her husband and then we can talk about what they are going to do.. I don't expect much help from them... I have seen the way he speaks to them at drop off and pick up.. It's not very respectful to say the least. But I want to give them a chance before I give them notice. Any advice on what you would tell parents? I don't think this is caused because I make him nap, it's been ongoing. Would you guys allow him to stay up while the others napped?

[sharlan]

No, if it is your policy for all the kids to nap, then nap it is.

The parents sound like they don't want the hassle of discipline, they want you to do it. Things are not going to get any better until they change the way they do things at home. From her attitude, that's not going to happen.

[daycare]

im lost. what does him napping have to do with the bad behavior??

[Lilbutterflie]

Definitely do NOT give in to your nap rule.

I would wait to see what the parents come up with; then in my mind there would be 3 choices to make:

1- Continue to deal with the problem behavior

2- Give notice to the family

3- Perhaps devise a new plan to deal with the problem behavior. What are you doing now?

[Frustrated]

im lost. what does him napping have to do with the bad behavior??

Yes, I was also confused when I was told this. I guess me making him nap( he is one of the first to fall asleep) is making him go to bed too late and so that is making him really tired and that is what causes him to lash out at me and causing this behavior. Yes, this was her explanation. I was told he does not behave this way at home.. But again I've seen the way he speaks to his parents. Maybe they just see this as normal?

As far as discipline here, I do give him a time out if he is having a hard time following the rules. And usually this is after I have had to tell him 2 or 3 times not to do something. And usually after his time out he will go and do whatever I told him not to do again.. So then I will just take that thing away from him for the rest of the day? I don't know what else to do. But I definitely feel like there is no discipline at home and so what I do here is not doing any good. He tells me all the time that he can do these things at home. I tell him we have different rules here...

[Blackcat31]

Personally I think you need to set a couple goals for him (and is family) such as no back talk or no spitting/hitting, etc and tell mom that those are the goals you are going to work on.

Discuss the rules AND the consequences with the child so that he knows exactly what will happen if he breaks the rules. Whether that is a time out, loss of activity or no TV time or whatever works with him.

Then give him say 3 chances. If he is naughty more than 3 times, call mom and have her pick him up.

I don't normally suggest having a parent pick up for bad behavior but in this case, I think it is extrememly important that mom and dad shoulder the most responsibility in this since I am thinking the bad behavior is allowed (or not addressed at all) at home.

In order for someone (mom/dad) to change their habits or behaviors (disciplining and guiding their child) the consequences have to effect them or be a problem to them.

If you are the only one stressed about this or doing anything about it, things will probably not change as the child is being "rewarded" for being naughty at home. I don't mean rewarded by treats and such but that mom and dad aren't addrressing the behaviors or doing anything to deflect or stop them.

Also, good for you for taking an active role in trying to curb this behavior too! Good luck and hang in there....we have all been there at one time or another.

[daycare]

Personally I think you need to set a couple goals for him (and is family) such as no back talk or no spitting/hitting, etc and tell mom that those are the goals you are going to work on.

Discuss the rules AND the consequences with the child so that he knows exactly what will happen if he breaks the rules. Whether that is a time out, loss of activity or no TV time or whatever works with him.

Then give him say 3 chances. If he is naughty more than 3 times, call mom and have her pick him up.

I don't normally suggest having a parent pick up for bad behavior but in this case, I think it is extrememly important that mom and dad shoulder the most responsibility in this since I am thinking the bad behavior is allowed (or not addressed at all) at home.

In order for someone (mom/dad) to change their habits or behaviors (disciplining and guiding their child) the consequences have to effect them or be a problem to them.

If you are the only one stressed about this or doing anything about it, things will probably not change as the child is being "rewarded" for being naughty at home. I don't mean rewarded by treats and such but that mom and dad aren't addrressing the behaviors or doing anything to deflect or stop them.

Also, good for you for taking an active role in trying to curb this behavior too! Good luck and hang in there....we have all been there at one time or another.

cat you had me do this with a child some time back. At first I was very scared to call the mom and pick up her out of control child. BUt the mom was doing just as this mom was and saying that DCG only wore a halo and wings at home. and horns at my house.YEAH BS>>

so I finally built up the courage, took a video of the behavior with my phone, sent it to mom and said please come pick her up. I told her that she needed to be honest with me about how her child behaves, because NO other child here acted like that and gave any reason for the child to act such.

As soon as I made it moms problem, a miracle happened..................the child all of a sudden became a delight...

[Blackcat31]

cat you had me do this with a child some time back. At first I was very scared to call the mom and pick up her out of control child. BUt the mom was doing just as this mom was and saying that DCG only wore a halo and wings at home. and horns at my house.YEAH BS>>

so I finally built up the courage, took a video of the behavior with my phone, sent it to mom and said please come pick her up. I told her that she needed to be honest with me about how her child behaves, because NO other child here acted like that and gave any reason for the child to act such.

As soon as I made it moms problem, a miracle happened..................the child all of a sudden became a delight...

Just like communication is the key to having a great working relationship with people....responsibility is key to solving issues.

Being responsible for the things we have essentially "caused" is the ONLY way things will change.

As humans, we endure a lot of things and we rarely change our behaviors until we can no longer deal with them.

Giving this issue back to the parents is really the BEST way to solve it.

I am sure that a provider could get the child to behave while at daycare despite what happens at home but honestly that would probably be more work than it's worth and really why should a daycare provider HAVE to "fix" the issues caused by the people who are suppose to be raising and guiding this child to be a well adjusted contributing member of society.

[daycare]

Just like communication is the key to having a great working relationship with people....responsibility is key to solving issues.

Being responsible for the things we have essentially "caused" is the ONLY way things will change.

As humans, we endure a lot of things and we rarely change our behaviors until we can no longer deal with them.

Giving this issue back to the parents is really the BEST way to solve it.

I am sure that a provider could get the child to behave while at daycare despite what happens at home but honestly that would probably be more work than it's worth and really why should a daycare provider HAVE to "fix" the issues caused by the people who are suppose to be raising and guiding this child to be a well adjusted contributing member of society.

why should a daycare provider HAVE to "fix" the issues caused by the people who are suppose to be raising and guiding this child to be a well adjusted contributing member of society.

I want to copy that, blow it up and nail it to my front door.....

[cheerfuldom]

Really if he has been like this for a year and you have not been able to get thru to him and have not had any significant support from the parents, I would just term. It would be a miracle if the parents were able to change anything and I think that is evident by the mom immediately giving the nap excuse and the "he doesnt act like that at home" excuse. We have all heard both of those a million times....its the default response for a lot of daycare parents.

[Frustrated]

That did not go so well...

Well... It didn't go too well. I did terminate services immediately because of how disrespectful and ugly the conversation was this morning. I've never had to deal with something like this before. Pretty much she thinks its my responsibility to parent her child and she should not be bothered... That is what she pays me for... Ya... I don't think so.

So, I am writing her a check for the rest of the month she paid for.. Anything else I should include or any advice on how to deal with this so that she can't try to get back at me. Yes, I realize she can call licensing and make up whatever she wants, that is her choice. But I want to be covered and try to do this right. I know I've done nothing wrong. I don't feel like I should be disrespected like that, you couldn't pay me enough to tolerate that! Advice?

[Blackcat31]

Well... It didn't go too well. I did terminate services immediately because of how disrespectful and ugly the conversation was this morning. I've never had to deal with something like this before. Pretty much she thinks its my responsibility to parent her child and she should not be bothered... That is what she pays me for... Ya... I don't think so.

So, I am writing her a check for the rest of the month she paid for.. Anything else I should include or any advice on how to deal with this so that she can't try to get back at me. Yes, I realize she can call licensing and make up whatever she wants, that is her choice. But I want to be covered and try to do this right. I know I've done nothing wrong. I don't feel like I should be disrespected like that, you couldn't pay me enough to tolerate that! Advice?

Sorry I didn't see your post earlier.

I am sorry that things went so badly. What does your contract say about notice? Is she required to pay anything or are you just happy to be rid of her and not worried about any final payments? Sometimes that is the better way to go when you simply want to be done with a situation.

I would probably call your licensor and at least give her a heads up about the situation and what went down between the two of you BEFORE the mom decides to call herself (IF she does).

If she does call, licensing will probably visit for sure so I would just make sure you have all your ducks in a row and have everything in order that they could or would check upon inspection.

Otherwise, I guess it is a good thing she is gone and you no longer have to deal with someone who expects you to raise their child.