One-Uppers/Braggers?

**canadiancare** · 10-03-2012, 11:20 AM

actually I have one right now and I don't tolerate it. I tell her it is not alright to make other people feel bad by showing off and that I am glad she is so good at X,Y,Z but that other kids get to be really good at things, too.

**Blackcat31** · 10-03-2012, 11:22 AM

Yep, have one just like that. I do consider it age appropriate as I do think kids are hardwired to be somewhat competitve but I also think you will see it more in a family that places high value on material things rather than a person's character.

I handle it by ignoring it since most kids find out that their peers will eventually not want to play with them or share stories and such with them if they are constantly one-upping them. I think that natural consequences are a great teacher in this area, but obviously for kids old enough to understand friendships and relationships.

For the younger ones who just say things for the sake of saying them, I will ignore if it seems to not be a huge thing with them but if it is something they do often, I will say "That is nice Timmy but I actually like you because you are a nice person. I don't care how many trucks you have." Rinse and repeat until they understand the value of the important things instead.

I will however, intervene immediately if it is nasty, rude or just downright mean spirited. No different than name calling or bullying to me.

**crazydaycarelady** · 10-03-2012, 11:30 AM

It depends on the age of the child but if I heard something like that I would ask her how she would feel if someone said that to her, and ask her if she was trying to hurt the other child feelings. I might also have her sit out (Time Out) for a minute if she can't play nice.

**Blackcat31** · 10-03-2012, 11:35 AM

Originally posted by crazydaycarelady

It depends on the age of the child but if I heard something like that I would ask her how she would feel if someone said that to her, and ask her if she was trying to hurt the other child feelings. I might also have her sit out (Time Out) for a minute if she can't play nice.

I agree that it has to depend on the age of the child because asking them how someone else feels or what they would think if someone talked to them that way wouldn't make sense since most kids aren't yet capable of perspective thinking and putting themselves in someone else's shoes isn't something they can developmentally do.

I don't think I would do a time out for this kind of behavior because it isn't hurtful on purpose in most cases, but rather lack of social skills and if they haven't been taught positive social skills, they wouldn't have any idea why they are being punished.

Time outs would probably be totally appropriate for a school age kid who was a braggert or one-upper but IMHO, not for anyone younger than preschool age.

**cheerfuldom** · 10-03-2012, 11:44 AM

I have a 3 year old like this. I ignore it because in her case, she is not adding in the attitude and meanness. I think the comments stem from insecurity and immaturity. Ignoring is slowly working.

**Crystal** · 10-03-2012, 11:59 AM

I just say "we are not talking about that right now, we are talking about (insert child's name and accomplishment) right now" and then ignore the one-upper and proceed with talking to the other child about their accomplishment/event, etc. I repeat it every single time the child does this. Given time, they get it.

**Willow** · 10-03-2012, 12:23 PM

This kiddo is 4, nearly 5.

She's been with me for 10 months now, been in daycares since she was bitty though so it's not her first rodeo as far as peer relationships go. It's definitely flared since she started part time pre-K in early September.

I too think it leans towards age appropriate ridiculousness, but it's that tone that is pushing me to intervene. All of the other kids in my crew are younger with the exception of my own two who are in school all day. Mine will typically roll their eyes, tell her her big whoop and then move away from her (they started returning fire there for a little while straight out calling her a liar but I don't think it's acceptable getting that level of snippy in return), but the younger ones don't know to convey or tell her that it's bothering them. They usually just look crushed for a moment staring at her gobsmacked and then try to resume what they were doing without making eye contact. I can see it hurts them and it's really starting to make me mad

It's definitely not sinking in that's she's coming off as a snot, or maybe she just doesn't care?

When I've asked her how it would make her feel, in regards to any of her behavior, she goes deer in the headlights on me, like I'm about to haul off and beat the tar out of her (obviously I never have and I don't believe for a second her parents have ever done any such thing either- they are EXTREMELY passive actually). Even very gently put she freezes up on the spot, her eyeballs get huge and she refuses to respond, as if she's shocked I'm speaking German.

An example, she shoved an entire cupcake in her mouth the other day (while having a stuffy nose no less). I was loading the dishwasher while the kids had their treat, turned around, and there she was red in the face because she was struggling so hard to breathe. I asked her to then go to the garbage and spit some of it out - DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS. So I took her by the hand over to the garbage and asked her again telling her she was going to choke if she didn't - DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS. Feeling very nervous I then demanded, to which she leaned forward like she was spitting some out, then came up cheeks just as full after not having released a crumb - DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS. I told her if she didn't spit some out I was going to reach in and take it out myself because I was so scared - DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS - leaned - AND SWALLOWED IT DOWN SO HARD AND FAST HER EYEBALLS WERE WATERING WHEN SHE CAME BACK UP.

I scolded her and told her she would NOT be having another cupcake here ever again - DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS. I sat her back down at the table and as I turned around to get her a drink she told the rest of the kids at the table that she finished her cupcake FIRST, with a total neener-neener tone

It's just so beyond weird.....how she can be so arrogant around the kids but then completely shuts down when an adult confronts her in even the softest of ways.....or is it just passive aggressive defiance? I feel so confused by this one.

My kids heads would have ROLLED if they'd have ever pulled such a stunt, but what else am I supposed to do when that's her response? Thankfully she *usually* is pretty well behaved save for the attitude towards the other kids.

**Soccermom** · 10-03-2012, 12:49 PM

Originally posted by Willow

Do you consider that sort of behavior inappropriate or just annoying?

If you think it's merely annoying do you just ignore it? If you believe it's inappropriate and rude how do you handle it?

I've got a dcg here who knows it all, has been everywhere, has tried everything (not really, she just believes? and shares that she has) and it comes across as belittling to me when she speaks to other kids about the new things they do or learn that they get excited about. I'm not sure if I'm just being overly sensitive or intolerant, but lately it just drives me up the wall.

If one of the kids is proud of a tower they built she's got to come and put them down by bragging about how much bigger the one she built three days ago was. If I get another child a cake for their birthday to celebrate here and they're excited about it she's got to chime in with how much cooler her cake was on her last birthday. If another child says they got to ride a pony for the first time last weekend she's got to chime in with a snideness in her voice about how it's no big deal, she's ridden 100, by herself, over trees and since she was 1 years old.

Not only is it outright fibbing sometimes but it's downright mean....right? I'm sure I need to be nipping this, not sure why I'm not feeling very confident about it though. Maybe because it's just so passive aggressive? But kids don't know how to be like that right?? I don't want to crush her spirit and drive in that she's no more special than anyone else....but she's really not, all kids deserve to feel special. Her head is so big sometimes I'm not sure how it stays up on her shoulders! Or is this the opposite and she's really over compensating for feeling bad about herself? It confuses the heck out of me!

I've tried to encourage her to be kind and let the other children get excited about their accomplishments, which has escalated into a sort of- if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. The problem is I'm getting nowhere, I think because she doesn't believe what she's doing is mean. Some days (like today) the snippity comments are never ending and I feel like I'm on her case the entire day. There's not much that has come out of her mouth today that's been anything BUT how much better she is than everyone else.

Ever have a kiddo like this? How did you handle it?

OMG! I have 2 of these! It is frustrating and hard to deal with because on one hand, you want the child to be proud of himself and on the other hand they are bragging and demeaning others.

This is normal for the 6-10 year old group. Most often these are children with low self esteem. They are trying to build themselves up by tearing others down. It is a form of bullying and needs to be stopped before it gets out of hand.

I have started sharing time every afternoon at snack. Each child gets a chance to share...uninterrupted something great about his day and something not so great about the day or weekend. Noone is allowed to say anything afterwards until it is their turn (Helps avoid the whole...oh yeah well I did this or I did that...)

I will also ALWAYS call the child out on it when I catch it. Example - Yesterday a DCG was talking about how she had gone to Disney once and she loved it and she was then rudely interrupted by another DCG who said - Well I go every year AND we stay for a month AND we eat at the castle.. I stopped the child mid sentence and just told her it was rude to interrupt and that just because she has gone several times does not make the other DCG's experience any less special. I then told her that it is impolite to always try to top someone else's story and being a good friend sometimes just requires listening and smiling.

I have one who does the same sport as my DD and is quite good too. She is CONSTANTLY talking about how she got this medal and this score AND she is so good because she has been doing it less time than my DD and is already in the same level as her....drives me bonkers and my DD too. I now do show and tell once a month where each child can bring something they are proud of and show off...that is the ONLY time I permit them to brag about themselves. They enjoy it and it makes them feel good to have everyone listening to them too. That way every time a child starts to brag about how great he is at this or that or how he has this or that. I say - Save it for show and tell next month.

Good luck...I know how you feel. This drives me crazy!!

**Willow** · 10-03-2012, 12:54 PM

Originally posted by Soccermom

I have started sharing time every afternoon at snack. Each child gets a chance to share...uninterrupted something great about his day and something not so great about the day or weekend. Noone is allowed to say anything afterwards until it is their turn (Helps avoid the whole...oh yeah well I did this or I did that...)

I am so going to start this today!!!!!

Excellent idea!!!!

**Country Kids** · 10-03-2012, 12:56 PM

Put something at their plate that they pass around-a flag, a pet rock, something that shows they are the center of attention for hte moment. Then when they are done they pass it to the next person.

**daycare** · 10-03-2012, 01:07 PM

when kids do this, this is how I resolve it.

Once the one-upper is caught, I then tell them wow that was not nice. Then I tell them I know that you know how to be nice. So please tell (which ever child she/he was name calling or talking down to. we will use johnny) Johnny three really nice things you love about him. Then I put her on the spotlight, even have a pretend microphone. OK have at it.....They don't get to do anything else until they have given Johnny his compliments. And then to end it off, a hug.

I used to do this with my sports teams and it worked wonders. Trust me when I tell you when all eyes are on them because they have to make a nice announcements, all of a sudden cat's got their tongue. They hate the disappointment they feel from their friends and hardly every do it again. I used to make the kids use the soccer cones and yell it out so that eveyone one could hear them give their praise.....Parents loved it

One-Uppers/Braggers?

One-Uppers/Braggers?

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