I Still Get Surprised

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I still get surprised at how passive many parents are these days when it comes to actually being the parent. When did the whole issue with saying no begin? Was it in the last 10 years and I just recently began to notice it?

At pick up today, 3-year-old DCG hugs her Mom hello. Upon seeing Mom sign her out, DCG requests to see the pen. Mom lets her have my pen and then lets her draw on my sign in/sign out sheet at the bottom. :confused: I am truly confused, just as I was then. All I could do was stare. Do people go to the Doctor's office and let their child scribble all over the check in sheet as well? Am I just a mean parent, because I would have said no to my child taking the sign in/sign out pen and scribbling on the sheet?

[countrymom]

then I'm a mean parent too. You should see the 2 brothers that get off the bus at my house. Omg, you all would die in disbelief. The older one is 7 and everyday he drags his bag and is mopy and will start to hit his mother and I mean full fledge with fists hitting. The 4 yr old will drop to the ground and start crying and screaming and kicking her. And everyday she has some sort of an excuse. My own children stop and stare at them, even they can't believe what they do.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

then I'm a mean parent too. You should see the 2 brothers that get off the bus at my house. Omg, you all would die in disbelief. The older one is 7 and everyday he drags his bag and is mopy and will start to hit his mother and I mean full fledge with fists hitting. The 4 yr old will drop to the ground and start crying and screaming and kicking her. And everyday she has some sort of an excuse. My own children stop and stare at them, even they can't believe what they do.

This same child will pinch me, hit me, and scratch me if I talk to Mom during pick up. So, if it is just me and no assistant then I just say good-bye and leave. I refuse to be hurt because the parent can't parent. Me saying no does no good. Child still does it. Most of the time, I'm able to have my assistant greet the child and see the child off each day. Otherwise, I wouldn't do it. It makes me anxious just to think about it.

I have a 5-year-old that will spit in their mother's face. Mom laughs, until I make the child apologize and then Mom is shocked that the child ever spit at her.

I HAD 2 children that would slap, pull hair, kick, run out the door and not listen, etc. Mom always had an excuse as well. They were only here a month.

[MNMum]

It's probably the guilt from putting them into daycare. The parents feel they have to be the child's friend, because they can't be there for them full time. Parents forget that they are their child's teacher, not their best friend.

[Blackcat31]

I still get surprised at how passive many parents are these days when it comes to actually being the parent. When did the whole issue with saying no begin? Was it in the last 10 years and I just recently began to notice it?

At pick up today, 3-year-old DCG hugs her Mom hello. Upon seeing Mom sign her out, DCG requests to see the pen. Mom lets her have my pen and then lets her draw on my sign in/sign out sheet at the bottom. :confused: I am truly confused, just as I was then. All I could do was stare. Do people go to the Doctor's office and let their child scribble all over the check in sheet as well? Am I just a mean parent, because I would have said no to my child taking the sign in/sign out pen and scribbling on the sheet?

yes. I am afraid so. I have a past DCF (single mom and 4 yr old girl). DCM was on all sorts of programs and such through the county and had to do weekly appointments with her job counselor. The 4 yr old girl was eventually banned from accompanying mom to her appointments because mom would let the girl write all over the job counselors office....the walls, the desk, the paperwork etc.

Mom asked me one day if I could watch her DD for these appts and when I asked why she wasn't taking DD with her anymore she said why and then complained about how mean her job counselor was and honestly expected the job counselor to HAVE to provide something for her DD to do during the appts or she was just going to write all over the place. Mom's attitude really was that it wasn't HER problem but belonged to the jb counselor.

The not saying "no" to your child did start probably about 5-10 years ago....and I truly believe it is guilt but not always guilt about leaving the kids in care but guilt becuase they can't give their child the world on a golden platter. KWIM?

My own mom did this to my younger sister and for her it was guilt over being a divorced parent and not being able to give my sister the two parent family and all it's trimmings like she did the older children. *sigh*

In cases like yours and the writing all over the sign in/out sheet, start speaking up. I would say "Hey mom can you please take that pen from Carly. I don't allow children to write on my paperwork and I surely don't give them pens unless we are at the table where art/drawing takes place."

I say it firmly and with a tinge of "Are you seriously going to let your child do that?!?" in my voice. If you (not you, but DCP's) can't take control of their child in my house, I will and I won't be happy if I have to.

I will also tell the child if mom doesn't listen. If no one listens, I say "Looks like it is time to go now. Bye have a good night!" and then I pretty much push them out the door. Parents can treat their child any way they wish but in my house, I won't stand for that kind of behavior.....makes me nutty.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

yes. I am afraid so. I have a past DCF (single mom and 4 yr old girl). DCM was on all sorts of programs and such through the county and had to do weekly appointments with her job counselor. The 4 yr old girl was eventually banned from accompanying mom to her appointments because mom would let the girl write all over the job counselors office....the walls, the desk, the paperwork etc.

Mom asked me one day if I could watch her DD for these appts and when I asked why she wasn't taking DD with her anymore she said why and then complained about how mean her job counselor was and honestly expected the job counselor to HAVE to provide something for her DD to do during the appts or she was just going to write all over the place. Mom's attitude really was that it wasn't HER problem but belonged to the jb counselor.

The not saying "no" to your child did start probably about 5-10 years ago....and I truly believe it is guilt but not always guilt about leaving the kids in care but guilt becuase they can't give their child the world on a golden platter. KWIM?

My own mom did this to my younger sister and for her it was guilt over being a divorced parent and not being able to give my sister the two parent family and all it's trimmings like she did the older children. *sigh*

In cases like yours and the writing all over the sign in/out sheet, start speaking up. I would say "Hey mom can you please take that pen from Carly. I don't allow children to write on my paperwork and I surely don't give them pens unless we are at the table where art/drawing takes place."

I say it firmly and with a tinge of "Are you seriously going to let your child do that?!?" in my voice. If you (not you, but DCP's) can't take control of their child in my house, I will and I won't be happy if I have to.

I will also tell the child if mom doesn't listen. If no one listens, I say "Looks like it is time to go now. Bye have a good night!" and then I pretty much push them out the door. Parents can treat their child any way they wish but in my house, I won't stand for that kind of behavior.....makes me nutty.

There was a time with this child that I asked at every pick up to please not climb the cubbies. Mom did nothing. I decided 5 times was enough, and said, "X, please do not climb the cubbies. I don't think Mom wants to pay $400 for new ones." Since then, there has been no climbing.

So much passive parenting, it boggles my mind.

[lovemykidstoo]

The parents definately cannot say no. It drives me insane. I have a 2 year old that is being very naughty lately. He's pushing, shoving, taking toys away, being defiant etc. I have talked to mom about it and we're working on it. Today he comes and she tries to take off his coat. Of course he gives her crap about it. So, she says oh you want it back on? Of course he says yes. She puts it back on him and then he wants it back off. I sat there and watched the on and off of the coat and was just shaking my head. I finally said, yup, he's 2. Look at the control issues going on there. Holy crap. Take the coat off, give him a nudge and go to work.

[Lilbutterflie]

I think with some people perhaps it is guilt.

From my point of view, it is a new age of lazy parenting & the mindset of letting children do whatever they want in order to avoid the tantrums. So many parents that I know give in to the child's tantrums SOOO easily and give them what they want to avoid the melt down. That is the absolute root of the problem IMO.

I have a friend with a 2 yr old. He is in the midst of the terrible twos, but his tantrums are the absolute worst I have ever seen. I went over to their house for dinner one night. Before dinner was ready, her son was hungry so she gave him garlic bread. Lots of garlic bread. My kids were hungry too; but I told them that dinner was almost ready and they needed to wait. Ten minutes later when dinner was ready, of course her son didn't want to sit down and eat (he had already filled up on bread!). My kids sat down happily and ate while her son ran around like crazy and bothered his mom while she ate her dinner. She left her dinner to actually interact with him! With guests over!! Then when she tried to sit back down to eat, he had a tantrum. So she gave him a choice to either sit down and eat, or watch a movie on the couch. OF COURSE he chose to watch a movie on the couch! So again she had to leave the table to set him up with his movie. She came back to eat and he threw another tantrum because he wanted her to sit on the couch with him. She actually excused herself from the table to watch it with him. OMG, I have never seen a parent give in to her 2 yr old's every wish like that. His tantrums had gotten so bad that her own family told her they didn't want to spend time with her & her son because of how she was parenting him, and how bad his tantrums had become.

She then turned to me for advice and I told her exactly what I thought. I told her she had to pick and choose her battles, but she couldn't let him win every single one. She had to stick to her guns and follow through. It's been a few months of her really following through with timeouts and not allowing his behavior; and I am happy to say that her hard work has paid off. He has gotten SOOO much better.

[Lilbutterflie]

There was a time with this child that I asked at every pick up to please not climb the cubbies. Mom did nothing. I decided 5 times was enough, and said, "X, please do not climb the cubbies. I don't think Mom wants to pay $400 for new ones." Since then, there has been no climbing.

So much passive parenting, it boggles my mind.

Perhaps you might think about sending out a newsletter about appropriate behavior at drop off and pick up? State that children often act out during pick up and drop off; and that each parent is expected to take control of their child and not allow any misbehavior like climbing, drawing on the sign out sheet, etc...

Another good alternative is to make pick up as quick as possible. Make sure they are ready to go with shoes on and bag in hand, waiting at the door when the parent comes. Hand them off and say goodbye!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Perhaps you might think about sending out a newsletter about appropriate behavior at drop off and pick up? State that children often act out during pick up and drop off; and that each parent is expected to take control of their child and not allow any misbehavior like climbing, drawing on the sign out sheet, etc...

Another good alternative is to make pick up as quick as possible. Make sure they are ready to go with shoes on and bag in hand, waiting at the door when the parent comes. Hand them off and say goodbye!

Girl, the sad thing is this child is ready to go at pick up time in order to prevent it being a long process. Mom wants to talk, in detail, about the day or about the child despite their being a Daily Report. I often walk off on her (when assistant is gone) as she continues to try to talk because the children without an adult present actually need an adult present.

We also put up a swinging baby gate in the entryway because of this same child. When Mom came, they would go back into the Preschool and pinch/hit other children. I would have to be the one to correct them, and Mom would pick the child up and say, "It's ok!" while rubbing their back. Really.

I'm worried that by sending out a newsletter it seems like I have no control over the children. But, I do. It's just that child with their parent present.

[littlemissmuffet]

I still get surprised at how passive many parents are these days when it comes to actually being the parent. When did the whole issue with saying no begin? Was it in the last 10 years and I just recently began to notice it?

At pick up today, 3-year-old DCG hugs her Mom hello. Upon seeing Mom sign her out, DCG requests to see the pen. Mom lets her have my pen and then lets her draw on my sign in/sign out sheet at the bottom. :confused: I am truly confused, just as I was then. All I could do was stare. Do people go to the Doctor's office and let their child scribble all over the check in sheet as well? Am I just a mean parent, because I would have said no to my child taking the sign in/sign out pen and scribbling on the sheet?

I had a parent try this once, and I intervened immediately, grabbed the pen from child and said "Nope, sorry kiddo. Kids don't get pens in my home, only pencils and crayons! And the sign in sheet isn't an art project, it's a legal document - mom can give you some paper and crayons when you get home" and I smiled BIG at mom. As the child screamed and cried in mom's ear I said "That's enough, you're fine. Relax." And she did (all my kids respond well to this, I don't make a big deal over crying/whining kids).

I ALWAYS intervene when a child is doing/saying something innapropriate and the parent doesn't speak up or do their part as a parent. And then they all have the nerve to say "Oh, I just don't understand why little Johnny always listens so well for you and not me"... oh I dunno, maybe because your child has no respect for you because you don't set any boundries??

[Lilbutterflie]

Girl, the sad thing is this child is ready to go at pick up time in order to prevent it being a long process. Mom wants to talk, in detail, about the day or about the child despite their being a Daily Report. I often walk off on her (when assistant is gone) as she continues to try to talk because the children without an adult present actually need an adult present.

We also put up a swinging baby gate in the entryway because of this same child. When Mom came, they would go back into the Preschool and pinch/hit other children. I would have to be the one to correct them, and Mom would pick the child up and say, "It's ok!" while rubbing their back. Really.

I'm worried that by sending out a newsletter it seems like I have no control over the children. But, I do. It's just that child with their parent present.

It sounds like you are almost there with setting up the gate for quick pick ups. The girl still wanted to show that she had control over mom, which is why the girl colored on your sign out sheet. Next time, you have to correct her. Say "We do not touch Miss So&So's sign in sheet. When you get home, your mom can give you some paper and pens to color, but here we only color at the art tables." The child is still in your house, and if mom isn't going to take control, you've got to do it. It also shows mom what your expectations are. Just like you commented about the girl climbing on the cubbies, and the behavior stopped.

There's only been one instance here of a child behaving badly during pickup, and I actually put her in "quiet time". I explained to mom "I'm sorry, but I'm doing this because she knows she cannot misbehave like that in my house." She fully understood, thank goodness. It never happened again.


Hang in there!