Career Woman Or Mother??? Question

[daycare]

I don't want to spark a big debate, but this thought came up during my dinner last night and I just wanted to see what others thoughts are on this.....

Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children? Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

Of course, I am talking about married women, where there is a significant other in the picture......

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad? Keeping it simple, I want to use a mother/father question even though some house holds are two moms or two dads.....

Thanks...just wondering what others thoughts are on this...I deal with this daily....

[Cat Herder]

For me, personally, I can't do both 100% at the same time.

If I can't give it 100%, I don't commit to it. What would be the point?

First, I worked for 10 years to afford to stay home after having learned the hard way that I can't do both (pull up any SIDS thread here for back story). Then I had my 2nd and 3rd babies.

I opened the daycare for my own income. I have never kept kids my own childrens ages, so no conflicts. The best of both worlds.

I am almost done with the high school years, now, so will be keeping my eye on the job market changes and am updating my training.

In a few more years I will be back in my old positon, easily, having missed nothing.

When I die my children will remember me fondly and my career position will be filled before my seat is cold. It is what it is.

[daycare]

For me, personally, I can't do both 100% at the same time.

If I can't give it 100%, I don't commit to it. What would be the point?

First, I worked for 10 years to afford to stay home after having learned the hard way that I can't do both (pull up any SIDS thread here for back story). Then I had my 2nd and 3rd babies.

I opened the daycare for my own income. I have never kept kids my own childrens ages, so no conflicts. The best of both worlds.

I am almost done with the high school years, now, so will be keeping my eye on the job market changes and am updating my training.

In a few more years I will be back in my old positon, easily, having missed nothing.

When I die my children will remember me fondly and my career position will be filled before my seat is cold. It is what it is.

do you think that it makes a difference if you worked out of the home more while they were infant/toddler vs preteen-teenager??

[Blackcat31]

Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children?

I think each mother needs to make the changes in her life (including work) to do whatever SHE (and the father) think is important as far as parenting goes. Some parents place the most value on the first 5 years of life, others feel staying home the whole 18 years is important. I think each mother needs to do what she feels is right. I have seen both mothers who value the staying at home time while their kids are babies and others value being available to their children in later years. There is no one right or wrong here.


Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

I don't think a career or children should ever be "sacrificed" for anything. You need to do what is important to you and if family and children are more important and you chose that over working then it isn't a sacrifice, it is a choice. If you feel work is more important that full time parenting, then that is also a choice. It is only viewed as a sacrifice to those who don't value the same things.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

ALL children are different and have different needs. It isn't fair or unfair to be in child care and primarily raised by someone other than a parent if that isn't what THAT particualr child needs. It also isn't fair for a child to be at home with their parent 100% of the time with no socialization from others if that isn't what that particular child needs. Again, doing what is right and necessary for EACH child is what matters. There is no one size fits all for kids. or parents.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad?

Again, it depends on the child. Some children need their mom more than their dad and vice versa. I don't think it matters the sex of the primary caregiver as long as ALL the child's needs are being met fully and in a quality manner.

That is my 2 cents.

[Cat Herder]

do you think that it makes a difference if you worked out of the home more while they were infant/toddler vs preteen-teenager??

Truthfully, I have no idea.

When I say I can't do both. I really can't. The guilt and nightmares of my first child dying in daycare still eat at me. I have not been able to move past it. Maybe I am not really supposed to?

I do know my every waking moment is taken up with projects, meetings, schedules, SAT preps, tutors and being a crying shoulder for adolescent heartbreaks. I can't bake cupcakes and heal the world anymore..

It has gotten sooooo hard. Blackcat can better answer your question.

I will be leaning on her alot in the next couple years as they start to pull away. I know developmentally it is coming and I am trying to prepare myself for it.

[daycare]

Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children?

I think each mother needs to make the changes in her life (including work) to do whatever SHE (and the father) think is important as far as parenting goes. Some parents place the most value on the first 5 years of life, others feel staying home the whole 18 years is important. I think each mother needs to do what she feels is right. I have seen both mothers who value the staying at home time while their kids are babies and others value being available to their children in later years. There is no one right or wrong here.


Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

I don't think a career or children should ever be "sacrificed" for anything. You need to do what is important to you and if family and children are more important and you chose that over working then it isn't a sacrifice, it is a choice. If you feel work is more important that full time parenting, then that is also a choice. It is only viewed as a sacrifice to those who don't value the same things.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

ALL children are different and have different needs. It isn't fair or unfair to be in child care and primarily raised by someone other than a parent if that isn't what THAT particualr child needs. It also isn't fair for a child to be at home with their parent 100% of the time with no socialization from others if that isn't what that particular child needs. Again, doing what is right and necessary for EACH child is what matters. There is no one size fits all for kids. or parents.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad?

Again, it depends on the child. Some children need their mom more than their dad and vice versa. I don't think it matters the sex of the primary caregiver as long as ALL the child's needs are being met fully and in a quality manner.

That is my 2 cents.

thanks BC I love how neutral all of your answers are..

ON that last question....mom vs dad....if you were working 70+ hour weeks and the care that dad was providing was not suitable for how YOU wanted the children raised, do you think that it would be fair to say that you should then make your schedule so that you can be home more and parent the children the way you want them?

[daycare]

Truthfully, I have no idea.

When I say I can't do both. I really can't. The guilt and nightmares of my first child dying in daycare still eat at me. I have not been able to move past it. Maybe I am not really supposed to?

I do know my every waking moment is taken up with projects, meetings, schedules, SAT preps, tutors and being a crying shoulder for adolescent heartbreaks. I can't bake cupcakes and heal the world anymore..

It has gotten sooooo hard. Blackcat can better answer your question.

I will be leaning on her alot in the next couple years as they start to pull away. I know developmentally it is coming and I am trying to prepare myself for it.

ugh you just brought tears to my eyes.......

I also have teenagers and I can relate to so much of your post..... It is hard to let go....as a parent I fear this myself.....don't want to let go to soon and don't want to hold on for too long...

Last night we had some friends over for dinner and I just could not believe the dynamics of their home life.... Mom works 75+hours, dad works 40-50, their kids are in childcare sun up to down. The mom only sees her kids when she drops off at child care and the occasional early night off from the office, which is about once a month. She sat at my kitchen table and threw her hsuband under the bus talking about how horrible of a parent he is and that he does nothing right....BUT the thing that killed me was that these are the kind of people that don't need to work that many hours, but they want to so that they can keep up with the Jones's.... She has to have her jimmy-choo boots and fancy BMW cars and etc.
So many emotions ran through my head. So sad for dad, for the kids and then felt bad that mom never lost her selfish ways as most women do when they become a mother and become selfless.

When they left, I really started to think about this and realized that they were just like every one of my DCF and people that live in my city......

In the end, I think I need to move............

[itlw8]

I don't think there is a right or worng answer. Every family is different. NO I do not believe a mother should have to give up her career if she chooses to have a family

I also believe there are tons of mothers that stay at home that the children would be better off attending a high quality childcare/preschool program.

I think everyone needs to do what is best for their family.

[Blackcat31]

thanks BC I love how neutral all of your answers are..

ON that last question....mom vs dad....if you were working 70+ hour weeks and the care that dad was providing was not suitable for how YOU wanted the children raised, do you think that it would be fair to say that you should then make your schedule so that you can be home more and parent the children the way you want them?

No, because parenting is a partnership and I would hope and pray that most couples have discussed the issues and things that parenting a child ensues, BEFORE actually having children.

If that didn't happen before children, then I still think it should be a compromise. What I value as a parent shouldn't over ride what my husband or father of my children values.

If something was going on that I was not happy with at home while I was working, I don't think I would run out and quit my job but what I would do is find a compromise. My way should NOT supercede dad's methods and vice versa.

FWIW~ My answers are not necessarily neutral as I know what I personally value about parenting my children but I would never impose MY personal beliefs or methods onto someone else as the "right" way to parent.

Everyone is different and what one values is not always the same as what others value and I can't say my values are better than anyone else's any more than they can say their parenting styles are better than mine.

[Willow]

Give up career? No

But it's also not fair to have a child you have no intention of raising yourself.


By that I mean the parents that work 12 hours a day, by choice, and then have a sitter on the weekends so they can go out and have their own adult/down time. The ones that spend little to no time with their kids and the time that is spent is merely an adult and child hanging out in the same room while the child watches tv.....passive parenting at best.

That is NOT right. And it does tick me off when children are forced to grow up under such circumstances. I don't give a rip if it's what the parent wants, no child wants that for themselves and it's not fair to them.


I literally grew up in daycares myself the first several years of my life and the only thing that made that ok in my mind is because I knew it's what my mom HAD to do as a single parent. It is not what she wanted for me or preferred for us, and that made all the difference in shaping my perspective.

I cannot begin to fathom being a child and feeling like that's the life my mother or father WANTED me to live....or worse (?) merely just didn't care if I did because what they wanted for themselves was more important.



In that case I wonder why people wouldn't just get a dog.

[Soccermom]

I don't know what is right or what is wrong when it comes to women and work because I don't know how much a child is really afffected by all that......BUT IMHO - What is the point of having a child if you are going to drop them off at DC every single day for 10 hours a day and allow someone else to raise them? AND when you do have a day off, you choose to use the time to clean and get your nails done instead of spending quality ime with your child...then in 10 years you wonder why your teenager can't stand to be around you...

Having a child is about teaching them, nurturing them and guiding them...why allow someone else to have that much power over who your precious child will become.

Just my opinion.

[Lilbutterflie]

I agree with BlackCat. It is different for every family. I don't think that mom's always need to stay home; and in this economy sometimes it's absolutely necessary for both parents to be working. As long as they are getting their needs met and love and attention at home; that's all that matters.

I was an only child with a single mom; and a dad that I visited every other weekend. I remember being in daycare, and then before and after school care; from about 6:30 in the morning to 6 at night. That's a long time for a child to be away from their parents in the care of someone else. I resented my mom for it a little bit, but I know now that it was absolutely necessary. She was a single mom, and had to provide for us. I still had all of my needs met, and love and attention when I needed it. I think that I grew up a very well-rounded, strong individual.

I do see the value of having one parent stay at home; which is why I run my daycare now. But I also think my kids would probably be just fine if I had to go out there and work, too. As long as they were getting quality care, and quality time with me when we are together.

There is something wrong with parents who are workaholics, though. It's one thing if working all the time was financially necessary to put food on the table and pay the bills. But, IMO, a parent who works 60+ hours a week just to have enjoy the finer things in life is selfish. Most kids don't care if their parents drive a BMW. I think they'd rather spend more time with their parent!

[Willow]

daycare - I'm not sure I could continue to be friends with such a familiy.....or rather they likely wouldn't continue being friends with me after I hit a breaking point and finally told them what I thought about their family "arrangements."


I can hold my tongue on most things that other parents do with their kids that I don't agree with, or even irk me, that though? I think eventually I'd crack under the anger that would bubble up in my heart....and they probably wouldn't be very happy with what I'd have to say about their lifestyle choices coming before their children.



(I could also see myself confronting her about ripping dad apart....I'd probably question how she even knows he's doing such a horrible job seeing as she's obviously never around any of them )

[Blackcat31]

It has gotten sooooo hard. Blackcat can better answer your question.

I will be leaning on her alot in the next couple years as they start to pull away. I know developmentally it is coming and I am trying to prepare myself for it.

It doesn't get easier but the denial of it all does

Having your kids grow up and leave the nest is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.....and honestly, I probably haven't really even allowed myself to fully face the fact that is has happened and processed it yet.

I have kind of stiffled how I feel about it because I know in my heart that the feelings I have are based on the selfish need of a mother to always want to keep her children under her wing safe and sound.

I know I gave my children the necessary tools to survive in this big bad world but they are still my children and even if they were in their 50ies, my heart would still ache for them to be little and still under my watchful eye as that is just how I feel.

I am pretty close with both my kids but it is hard to think of them not being home and needing me like they used to. They do still need me and I appreciate that they do, but it is a different kind of need (some better/some not so much) and that is ok too because now is when the "friendship" part comes in and I am actually able to be a "friend before a parent" with my children.

Sorry...Daycare...didn't mean to hi-jack your thread
@Cat, you know where to find me and you are welcome to do so ANYTIME lovethis

[daycare]

It doesn't get easier but the denial of it all does

Having your kids grow up and leave the nest is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.....and honestly, I probably haven't really even allowed myself to fully face the fact that is has happened and processed it yet.

I have kind of stiffled how I feel about it because I know in my heart that the feelings I have are based on the selfish need of a mother to always want to keep her children under her wing safe and sound.

I know I gave my children the necessary tools to survive in this big bad world but they are still my children and even if they were in their 50ies, my heart would still ache for them to be little and still under my watchful eye as that is just how I feel.

I am pretty close with both my kids but it is hard to think of them not being home and needing me like they used to. They do still need me and I appreciate that they do, but it is a different kind of need (some better/some not so much) and that is ok too because now is when the "friendship" part comes in and I am actually able to be a "friend before a parent" with my children.

Sorry...Daycare...didn't mean to hi-jack your thread
@Cat, you know where to find me and you are welcome to do so ANYTIME lovethis

I loved this.....I will soon be there too and every word you said holds so much truth..

thank you for sharing that...