Update On The DCG Who Stole DD Toys

[Soccermom]

So she shows up this morning with mom and a ziploc with a bunch of other things she has taken from my home in the past few weeks....

DCM made her give it to me and apologize but then DCM tells me that her DD is not a thief and does not want her to get a reputation as a thief...well she did steal which says thief to me BUT she is only 8. She said because DD doesn't know why she did it, means that she didn't steal intentionally....ya ok.

She told me she does not want anyone to know about this and that DD does not want my kids to know about it and does not want me to tell my husband.

So we are allowing DCG to dictate what we do and say in our own home.

I told her that my family has already been made aware of the situation as this is our family home and we do not keep things from each other. My DD saw DCG put the things in her bag anyway so she already knew and my other DD overheard the conversation between DCM and I.

So she wiped DCG's tears and told her to go and play with the kids to change her mind some before she left for school. When I asked DCG later if she was still permitted to come to the party on Saturday she sassily replied - Yup!.

It will be a challenge to be polite to this child this afternoon but I am thinking about telling DCM that maybe it would be better if DCG stayed home saturday as things are still fresh and I don't want my DD to feel uncomfortable at her party nor do I want DCG to end up feeling left out because my DD doesn't want her there.

My DDs have both been told not to breathe a word of this to anyone, including the other dcks and there will be consequences if it goes any further than our home.

What a nightmare...

[cheerfuldom]

So she shows up this morning with mom and a ziploc with a bunch of other things she has taken from my home in the past few weeks....

DCM made her give it to me and apologize but then DCM tells me that her DD is not a thief and does not want her to get a reputation as a thief...well she did steal which says thief to me BUT she is only 8. She said because DD doesn't know why she did it, means that she didn't steal intentionally....ya ok.

She told me she does not want anyone to know about this and that DD does not want my kids to know about it and does not want me to tell my husband.

So we are allowing DCG to dictate what we do and say in our own home.

I told her that my family has already been made aware of the situation as this is our family home and we do not keep things from each other. My DD saw DCG put the things in her bag anyway so she already knew and my other DD overheard the conversation between DCM and I.

So she wiped DCG's tears and told her to go and play with the kids to change her mind some before she left for school. When I asked DCG later if she was still permitted to come to the party on Saturday she sassily replied - Yup!.

It will be a challenge to be polite to this child this afternoon but I am thinking about telling DCM that maybe it would be better if DCG stayed home saturday as things are still fresh and I don't want my DD to feel uncomfortable at her party nor do I want DCG to end up feeling left out because my DD doesn't want her there.

My DDs have both been told not to breathe a word of this to anyone, including the other dcks and there will be consequences if it goes any further than our home.

What a nightmare...

If you uninvite a child to your daughters party, i cant help but think that you are coming off as vindictive and bitter. I understand your point of view but I personally would not uninvite a child to a party. I would keep a close eye on her and not invite her to anything else in the future if you feel you cant trust her in your home. I feel the mom is making excuses and more worried about how things look than about her daughter having consequences....be ready to term the next time something gets stolen.....

[Blackcat31]

(((Hugs))) for dealing but I have to say I think you are making a big mistake listening to DCM and NOT talking openly about this and keeping this whole thing a secret.

I think that the reaction she (the DCG) will receive from the other kids IS necessary for her to understand the full ramifications of her actions.

She DID steal.
She DID behave as a thief
She DID steal
She SHOULD be embarrassed....maybe enough that she will never do it again.

Having mom help her cover up her "crimes" does NOONE any justice and surely isn't helping the situation. Talk about screwing your kid up by being an accomplice, which is exactly what DCM is doing by hiding her actions. That isn't love, that is just wrong on so many levels.

I would absolutely tell DCG she isn't welcome on Saturday as that should be part of the consequences of stealing! She SHOULD feel unwelcome, not trusted and ashamed of her actions but how in the world is that ever going to happen when mom is so busy covering it up.

Also NO WAY IN HE77 would I allow a daycare family tell me what I can and cannot tell my husband and/or children. NO WAY!

I would allow that DCG to be present in my home as a daycare child but NEVER in any other capacity until she can earn back my trust.

The DCM IS right, she is only 8 years old but being 8 doesn't excuse her from taking responsibilty for her actions and having to suffer the consequences. 8 is plenty old enough to know better and plenty old enough to know FULL well what she is doing.

Not intentional, my butt! She may have used that excuse to her mother who is enabling her to have repeat actions and had her mother believe her but seriously, if she doesn't start being remorseful and responsible for her actions, her mom is going to be visiting her child in juvenile detention or jail later on.

I am NOT a big fan of Dr Phil but he once said "If you are big enough to do it, be big enough to own it." And I have that sign hanging in my daycare because ALL my kiddos know that we don't use, believe, borrow or accept excuses here.

[DBug]

(((Hugs))) for dealing but I have to say I think you are making a big mistake listening to DCM and NOT talking openly about this and keeping this whole thing a secret.

I think that the reaction she (the DCG) will receive from the other kids IS necessary for her to understand the full ramifications of her actions.

She DID steal.
She DID behave as a thief
She DID steal
She SHOULD be embarrassed....maybe enough that she will never do it again.

Having mom help her cover up her "crimes" does NOONE any justice and surely isn't helping the situation. Talk about screwing your kid up by being an accomplice, which is exactly what DCM is doing by hiding her actions. That isn't love, that is just wrong on so many levels.

I would absolutely tell DCG she isn't welcome on Saturday as that should be part of the consequences of stealing! She SHOULD feel unwelcome, not trusted and ashamed of her actions but how in the world is that ever going to happen when mom is so busy covering it up.

Also NO WAY IN HE77 would I allow a daycare family tell me what I can and cannot tell my husband and/or children. NO WAY!

I would allow that DCG to be present in my home as a daycare child but NEVER in any other capacity until she can earn back my trust.

The DCM IS right, she is only 8 years old but being 8 doesn't excuse her from taking responsibilty for her actions and having to suffer the consequences. 8 is plenty old enough to know better and plenty old enough to know FULL well what she is doing.

Not intentional, my butt! She may have used that excuse to her mother who is enabling her to have repeat actions and had her mother believe her but seriously, if she doesn't start being remorseful and responsible for her actions, her mom is going to be visiting her child in juvenile detention or jail later on.

I am NOT a big fan of Dr Phil but he once said "If you are big enough to do it, be big enough to own it." And I have that sign hanging in my daycare because ALL my kiddos know that we don't use, believe, borrow or accept excuses here.

I totally agree! I have a friend whose DS did this at school. He started off with pencils and erasers and ended up stealing iPods and Nintendo DS's. He will tell you he doesn't know why he does it either. He's 11 now, and his parents have spent literally thousands of dollars (that they don't have) on psychologists trying to figure out what his issue is.

His issue -- very little actual discipline. His education is close to a write-off because he's been suspended so many times. His life will spiral downhill if someone doesn't start treating like a thief instead of a "special" boy with issues .

He's a great kid, smart, with tons of potential. I just hope the adults in his life don't ruin it for him.

[rhymia1]

From your OP it seemed like it was a one time thing, mom was backing you up, etc. This additonal information bothers me. This is something that has been ongoing and now mom is trying to dictate how it's handled. If she were caught shoplifting I highly doubt the store would not call the police just because mom said not to (and yes, in my area kids that young have been arrested for shoplifting) Obviously you wouldn't tell other dc parents, but your family? If your DD no longer wants her at the party - because really, what kind of friend steals from you? Then I would be honest with dc mom about it. That said, be prepared for her to pull her out of dc.

[MizzCheryl]

I have had a couple of little school age theifs. Once they are busted they never get outta my sight again. They have to stay in the same room as me. They hate it but that are the consequenses. They have to use the daycare bathroom always, cause my makeup and things are in the other bathroom. Little sister ratted out one kids. The parents never did come clean. But little sis taold me older kid stole my glitter and sure enough that color was gone. Had a littel money stolen too. The kids know better but the parents are too embarassed to say anything.

[Willow]

I hesitated replying to your original post, I was hoping for an update and wasn't optimistic as to how it would turn out. I'm so very sorry you're going through this

I've been on the other side of this issue. At age 5 my son attempted to steal candy in the checkout line at the grocery store. I caught him the first time before he got it into his pocket and holy buckets did his world crumble. I thought I'd gotten through to him but..... the second time I found a wrapper of a candy bar I never bought in his room. After returning from school that day I asked him where it came from and was relieved when he came right out with it instead of trying to lie. I called up the stores manager, told them what happened and asked for some help to make an impact. I then marched his butt straight back to the store and despite a giant bawl fest he managed an apology. I wasn't surprised by his embarrassment or remorse, I was relieved to see it, what did shock me was the managers reaction. As he was standing there near gagging on his hysterics she looked right at him and said "oh really honey, it's no big deal. Kids do that all the time. Thank you for apologizing." and then looked at me as if I was supposed to then relieve him of his responsibility in the situation at that point. (*my jaw hits the floor*) Uhhhh.......H*LL. NO.

He did chores every day for about two weeks to earn back every penny of that candy bar I had to go back and pay for. Over kill? Maybe to some. But I was bent on making a major impact so as to hopefully never have it happen again.

Fast forward, he had just turned 6 when he entered the first grade. One day he came home with his jacket jingling and I asked him what was in his pocket. I may have a thief on my hands but obviously not a liar because again he was honest. They were learning about money and played a game using real coins. He thought there were so many coins in the bucket a few wouldn't be missed so he took a handful and then assumed he would just use them to BUY his own candy bars instead of having to steal them. This was more than a year later and I was surprised he still remembered the deal at the grocery store. He looked at me as if he deserved praise for being so smart

I will give him that I doubt very much he understood the ramifications of what he did and I felt partially responsible. I was supporting my kids on my own as I had just divorced their father and we literally didn't have money for candy. I explained this to him and he always seemed very understanding. I genuinely believed he didn't mean to do wrong. To him it was logical, mom doesn't have money for this, here's a bunch I can get on my own so I don't have to pester her - but I wasn't going to give him the impression I thought there was any sort of reasonable excuse for what he did. Emailed the teacher and we set up a meeting. We went in to school the next day and again he was mortified. He returned the coins, eeked out an apology through near hysterics, and AGAIN the teachers response was "it's ok, no big deal, thanks for bringing them back!" When he went to compose himself before joining the rest of the class she actually asked me why I was making such a big deal out of it, that he was obviously sorry so isn't that enough? Just ugh...... He came home that night telling me everything was fine, the teacher told him. There were zero consequences and I was ticked. And they wonder why kids today don't ever take responsibility for their actions?

I was good friends with a local sheriff's deputy and I had him swing over that night. He had him sit in the back of his squad car while he explained that that's where he'll end up next time he took something that didn't belong to him. There, and then jail! I know it scared the daylights out of him and that was the point. As his mother it hurt me to see him so upset and struggling through a life lesson, but I know if he got the message that stealing was no big deal at a young age there was nothing to stop him from continuing to do it in the future....and that would hurt him and I both far worse.



It always floors me when kids today do wrong and the response is to coddle them instead of teach the real life consequences that will come into play when they are older.



I was happy to hear that the dcg's mother returned the items found at home, but beyond that her response just ticks me off.

I'm not sure I could continue to work with a family who's reaction was not only, "we want to brush this under the rug and go on as if it never happened" but also "now you better too."


Whether it hurt the child's feelings or not to uninvite her from the party would be moot to me. That would be the entire point. That when you do "x" there are "y" consequences, and sometimes those consequences are unpleasant. The girl stole from a friend. If someone stole from me as an adult there is no way no how I'd be having them to my birthday party a couple of days later. I certainly could not expect a child of mine to bite her tongue and tolerate something I myself wouldn't put up with.

I'd definitely tell the mother your child is upset about what happened and doesn't want her there anymore. If she's any kind of a mother she'll use that to further drive home the point that what she did hurt others instead of allowing her to sit and mope about how the consequences are hurting her.

[dave4him]

The best lesson for a kid to learn is for her parent to act like a parent and tell her what she did was wrong, not make excuses for the behavior. All of us are faulty from the beginning, we cant do things the right way if we do not learn the difference first.

[Hunni Bee]

When I was 7 or 8, I accidentally stole a pair of knee socks from Kmart. I picked them up to ask my mom to buy them (I was really into knee socks and pleated skirts then ), she said she'd think about it, and so I stuck them in my coat pocket to keep from setting them down somewhere.

on the way back to the car, I stick my hand into my pocket and what do I find? I was horrified...i was almost in tears because I thought I'd stolen something. My mom then explained the difference between an honest mistake and stealing.

Moral of the story? She knew exactly what she's doing, she still does and she wouldn't be invited to any party of mine. Are you going to want to watch her the entire time? It will take away from your time with your daughter...I wouldn't have it.

[cheerfuldom]

I will clarify that while I agree with everyone else that strong consequences are in order and that I would not allow excuses or hiding of this stealing....I personally would still not uninvite to a party, thats just me.

BUT I will say that i would not have invited daycare kids to the party in the first place....

[Meyou]

When I was 8 I stole a bracelet from a dept store. My mother marched me back to the store by the ear and promised to visit me in jail after the manager called the police to come get me. I never, ever, ever stole again.

OP, I think Mom is really downplaying this. If my 7 year old daughter had a backpack full of someone else's toys I certainly wouldn't keep it quiet or make excuses for her.

[countrymom]

I hesitated replying to your original post, I was hoping for an update and wasn't optimistic as to how it would turn out. I'm so very sorry you're going through this

I've been on the other side of this issue. At age 5 my son attempted to steal candy in the checkout line at the grocery store. I caught him the first time before he got it into his pocket and holy buckets did his world crumble. I thought I'd gotten through to him but..... the second time I found a wrapper of a candy bar I never bought in his room. After returning from school that day I asked him where it came from and was relieved when he came right out with it instead of trying to lie. I called up the stores manager, told them what happened and asked for some help to make an impact. I then marched his butt straight back to the store and despite a giant bawl fest he managed an apology. I wasn't surprised by his embarrassment or remorse, I was relieved to see it, what did shock me was the managers reaction. As he was standing there near gagging on his hysterics she looked right at him and said "oh really honey, it's no big deal. Kids do that all the time. Thank you for apologizing." and then looked at me as if I was supposed to then relieve him of his responsibility in the situation at that point. (*my jaw hits the floor*) Uhhhh.......H*LL. NO.

He did chores every day for about two weeks to earn back every penny of that candy bar I had to go back and pay for. Over kill? Maybe to some. But I was bent on making a major impact so as to hopefully never have it happen again.

Fast forward, he had just turned 6 when he entered the first grade. One day he came home with his jacket jingling and I asked him what was in his pocket. I may have a thief on my hands but obviously not a liar because again he was honest. They were learning about money and played a game using real coins. He thought there were so many coins in the bucket a few wouldn't be missed so he took a handful and then assumed he would just use them to BUY his own candy bars instead of having to steal them. This was more than a year later and I was surprised he still remembered the deal at the grocery store. He looked at me as if he deserved praise for being so smart

I will give him that I doubt very much he understood the ramifications of what he did and I felt partially responsible. I was supporting my kids on my own as I had just divorced their father and we literally didn't have money for candy. I explained this to him and he always seemed very understanding. I genuinely believed he didn't mean to do wrong. To him it was logical, mom doesn't have money for this, here's a bunch I can get on my own so I don't have to pester her - but I wasn't going to give him the impression I thought there was any sort of reasonable excuse for what he did. Emailed the teacher and we set up a meeting. We went in to school the next day and again he was mortified. He returned the coins, eeked out an apology through near hysterics, and AGAIN the teachers response was "it's ok, no big deal, thanks for bringing them back!" When he went to compose himself before joining the rest of the class she actually asked me why I was making such a big deal out of it, that he was obviously sorry so isn't that enough? Just ugh...... He came home that night telling me everything was fine, the teacher told him. There were zero consequences and I was ticked. And they wonder why kids today don't ever take responsibility for their actions?

I was good friends with a local sheriff's deputy and I had him swing over that night. He had him sit in the back of his squad car while he explained that that's where he'll end up next time he took something that didn't belong to him. There, and then jail! I know it scared the daylights out of him and that was the point. As his mother it hurt me to see him so upset and struggling through a life lesson, but I know if he got the message that stealing was no big deal at a young age there was nothing to stop him from continuing to do it in the future....and that would hurt him and I both far worse.



It always floors me when kids today do wrong and the response is to coddle them instead of teach the real life consequences that will come into play when they are older.



I was happy to hear that the dcg's mother returned the items found at home, but beyond that her response just ticks me off.

I'm not sure I could continue to work with a family who's reaction was not only, "we want to brush this under the rug and go on as if it never happened" but also "now you better too."


Whether it hurt the child's feelings or not to uninvite her from the party would be moot to me. That would be the entire point. That when you do "x" there are "y" consequences, and sometimes those consequences are unpleasant. The girl stole from a friend. If someone stole from me as an adult there is no way no how I'd be having them to my birthday party a couple of days later. I certainly could not expect a child of mine to bite her tongue and tolerate something I myself wouldn't put up with.

I'd definitely tell the mother your child is upset about what happened and doesn't want her there anymore. If she's any kind of a mother she'll use that to further drive home the point that what she did hurt others instead of allowing her to sit and mope about how the consequences are hurting her.

I agree with you, I hate when kids say "I don't know why I did it" really because things just don't jump in a backpack. And I would tell my dh and my kids what had happened. Yes, Im a mom who uses examples and this is one of those examples that I would use. (heck I have a stupid neice I always tell my kids don't be like your cousin) I think it was wrong on moms part, so when she goes into a store and steals some makeup is she going to tell the police 'i don't know why she did it"

[Soccermom]

I will clarify that while I agree with everyone else that strong consequences are in order and that I would not allow excuses or hiding of this stealing....I personally would still not uninvite to a party, thats just me.

BUT I will say that i would not have invited daycare kids to the party in the first place....

The reason we invited her to the party is because she is in my DD's class and it is a very small school..it complicates things a little. Had it not been for that, I would not have invited her but I just felt awful not inviting her since she is new here this year and she doesn't really know anyone yet. I thought it would be a nice way for her to make some friends and a nice gesture as her DC provider...had I known what she was really like, I would never have sent out the invite. I have a big heart and sometimes that gets me into trouble.
My DD said she was okay with inviting her but honestly never really cared for her too much...now I know why. Kids are sometimes better at reading other kids than we are.

[Soccermom]

Moral of the story? She knew exactly what she's doing, she still does and she wouldn't be invited to any party of mine. Are you going to want to watch her the entire time? It will take away from your time with your daughter...I wouldn't have it.

This is something I had not considered Hunni Bee..and it has sealed the deal for me. I will dicuss with DCM at Pick up 2night. I will tell her that I am not uninviting the child but think that it would be a wise choice if she stayed home this weekend in order to give the girls some time to start over. But if she chooses to still allow DD to come to the party ( I can't IMAGINE allowing my child to go to a party after what she had done but that is me) she will need to stay with her DD for the entire party including coming to the movies with us and paying out of her pocket for her own ticket because I am not prepared or able to supervise her DD as she obviously requires.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

(((Hugs))) for dealing but I have to say I think you are making a big mistake listening to DCM and NOT talking openly about this and keeping this whole thing a secret.

I think that the reaction she (the DCG) will receive from the other kids IS necessary for her to understand the full ramifications of her actions.

She DID steal.
She DID behave as a thief
She DID steal
She SHOULD be embarrassed....maybe enough that she will never do it again.

Having mom help her cover up her "crimes" does NOONE any justice and surely isn't helping the situation. Talk about screwing your kid up by being an accomplice, which is exactly what DCM is doing by hiding her actions. That isn't love, that is just wrong on so many levels.

I would absolutely tell DCG she isn't welcome on Saturday as that should be part of the consequences of stealing! She SHOULD feel unwelcome, not trusted and ashamed of her actions but how in the world is that ever going to happen when mom is so busy covering it up.

Also NO WAY IN HE77 would I allow a daycare family tell me what I can and cannot tell my husband and/or children. NO WAY!

I would allow that DCG to be present in my home as a daycare child but NEVER in any other capacity until she can earn back my trust.

The DCM IS right, she is only 8 years old but being 8 doesn't excuse her from taking responsibilty for her actions and having to suffer the consequences. 8 is plenty old enough to know better and plenty old enough to know FULL well what she is doing.

Not intentional, my butt! She may have used that excuse to her mother who is enabling her to have repeat actions and had her mother believe her but seriously, if she doesn't start being remorseful and responsible for her actions, her mom is going to be visiting her child in juvenile detention or jail later on.

I am NOT a big fan of Dr Phil but he once said "If you are big enough to do it, be big enough to own it." And I have that sign hanging in my daycare because ALL my kiddos know that we don't use, believe, borrow or accept excuses here.

I could not agree more.