Older Child "Holds It"

[allieannarbor]

Hi!
I have an older child, soon will be 4, a boy who is new to our program (because our program is new). He has come to us from being at home with baby sister and nanny. He was fully potty trained for the nanny, no issues, but when with his parents the limited times he sees them would refuse to use go to the bathroom until they gave him a diaper. They obviously enabled this.

His parents work a great deal, maybe seeing him on weekends and possible an hour a night before bed. I understand that by him refusing to use the bathroom until he has a diaper is a way of him guaranteeing their one on one attention. They have to focus on just him as they clean and change him.

He came to us on his first day and his days since in a diaper. He will sit on the potty without any issue, all of our friends each try at various times throughout the day one after another and he sits, no fear or fight. He will not go to the bathroom. If he is not wearing a diaper he will stay dry. He has amazing self control. He started out yesterday without a diaper (parents suggestion) but held it from 8:00 to 4:45 when his dad picked him up and put a diaper on him to go in the car. Then he peed.

Do I encourage the parents do go cold turkey? (It won't ever work if they are the ones that keep offering up the diapers) Ply him with salty snacks, extra liquids and cranberry juice?

Thoughts are much appreciated....

[daycare]

so he is holding it all day at your house?? I don't think there is much you can do about it. The child is the only one who is going to decide if he is going to go or not. If the parents are the ones creating the problem on their time, then let them. We can't tell parents what to do or what not to do and even if we did they more than likely will not listen.

I would just leave the situation alone and make it no big deal. I bet if everyone just backed off of the kid needing to go to the toilet, he would not see it as a power struggle and would just do it on his own

[WImom]

I had a DCB who is three do that here. He was in diapers here for over a year but then potty trained at home and after awhile we just decided to put him in underwear here since he had been fully trained at home for a month and once we did he would hold it all day until nap when he would have a diaper on. Nothing was working, we tried all kinds of rewards as well as ignoring it for over two months and one day I had some tattoos and told him he would get one put on everytime he went that day and he went!! We couldn't believe it, got two tattoos that day. Then he's always gone since and wears a pull up now at nap and most of the time that is dry too now.

It's so weird how you just have to find that one thing with kids!!

[Happy Hearts]

When he's sitting on the toilet, turn the faucet on, pour water from a jug into a glass right in front of him, talk about swimming in a pool. If that doesn't make him go, nothing will.

[allieannarbor]

I think you are spot on about the power struggle. I think I need to back off and ignore it, the second you said that I thought about how much he is a child that really gets into a lot of those power battles like not putting on shoes by himself. So I think you are right if I pull back I might see more results.

The hard part is the parents starting today are wanting to send him without a diaper, just one at nap, and have him go without the rest of day. That resulted in him holding it the whole time he was here! He stayed dry at nap even. By the end of the day he is grabbing himself and clearly verrrry uncomfortable. He will go sit on the potty and look at me and smile, "I told it not to come" and then won't pee. HOURS of this.... he is going to a UTI...ya?! He stays dry, so it is not effecting me with mess or accidents but I worry...

[daycare]

how new is he? how long as he been there??

I had a kid hold out on me too when he was new because he was very uncomfortable here, he was very shy too....as soon as he felt comfortable here, he eventually started using the toilet without issues..

[BABYLUVER]

In this case, I'd at least talk to the parents. The thing about holding it is that he can get an infection or worse...if he's ever holding #2? he can become impacted with stool.

As a mom of a son who has a disease that causes him to hold his bowels, I know how important it is to have them go when they need to, and not be afraid to go. His parents are not helping him potty train. I'd gently point out that he's doing VERY well at your house and you prefer to have him full-time in underwear at home as well. If he's so good at holding it to pee/poop in a diaper, the he should be good at staying dry. Key is---mom & dad gotta enforce it at home, too, in order for it to work

[clep]

I wouldn't say a word to the child about it. I would implement stickers or stamps for children being successful on the potty. Starting in the morning, I would give the first child a stamp on the hand and let them pick the stamp or sticker. I would do it for every child, praising verbally and getting the other kids to clap. He would soon enough pee on the potty for the same praise and stamp.

The parents are lacking in skills and that isn't about to change because of what you say to them or advice you give them. I would "show" them the results of doing things differently and wait for them to ask how I am getting the child to go on the potty.

Been through this before with the potty, eating and sleeping. They are the three things you cannot make a child do as the child does really have control over these things.

You can set the stage though for the child to want to comply on their own.

[allieannarbor]

Ok so (Th, F, M, Tu) day 4 of the parents deciding he will no longer wear a diaper or pullup...

Do I declare he must wear a pullup until potty trained (and how will he ever be here) OR continue with the madness...??

My intended approach for these days has been to have him use the bathroom at the same times as the other children, they each go, it is his turn and I (without any special attention) ask him to try like his friends, pull up his own pants and wash his hands. We are young group so this bathroom train is built into the schedule a reasonable amount.

His approach: whines that he cannot do his pants himself (he can, i remind him this one time and try to limit attention). Does pants, sits on the potty, declares "the pee is not going to come" and does things like cross his legs so it does not come, I ask him to wait a bit longer (again trying to limit how much attention I am giving him and return to the group), he interprets this as he cannot get up and start doing a scream-cry. I return to the bathroom and say it is your body, if you feel done then you know the next steps. He whines and cries about not being able to do his pants, I tell him he knows how, he puts on pants washes hands.
For all the times he is not on the potty, he is pinching and holding himself, wiggle and jumping, unable to play or do anything because he has to pee. This horrendous cycle continues until his body cannot hold it any longer (about 11:00 in the morning when he has been holding it since before bed at home about 7:30 the night before). It is clear he has to go so I have him sit on the potty. He scream-cries that he does not have to, gets up and pees on the floor. Or today: on me.

this is not working..... what to do.....

if i say he needs pullups until potty trained how would we get him potty trained here at school?

[daycare]

Ok so (Th, F, M, Tu) day 4 of the parents deciding he will no longer wear a diaper or pullup...

Do I declare he must wear a pullup until potty trained (and how will he ever be here) OR continue with the madness...??

My intended approach for these days has been to have him use the bathroom at the same times as the other children, they each go, it is his turn and I (without any special attention) ask him to try like his friends, pull up his own pants and wash his hands. We are young group so this bathroom train is built into the schedule a reasonable amount.

His approach: whines that he cannot do his pants himself (he can, i remind him this one time and try to limit attention). Does pants, sits on the potty, declares "the pee is not going to come" and does things like cross his legs so it does not come, I ask him to wait a bit longer (again trying to limit how much attention I am giving him and return to the group), he interprets this as he cannot get up and start doing a scream-cry. I return to the bathroom and say it is your body, if you feel done then you know the next steps. He whines and cries about not being able to do his pants, I tell him he knows how, he puts on pants washes hands.
For all the times he is not on the potty, he is pinching and holding himself, wiggle and jumping, unable to play or do anything because he has to pee. This horrendous cycle continues until his body cannot hold it any longer (about 11:00 in the morning when he has been holding it since before bed at home about 7:30 the night before). It is clear he has to go so I have him sit on the potty. He scream-cries that he does not have to, gets up and pees on the floor. Or today: on me.

this is not working..... what to do.....

if i say he needs pullups until potty trained how would we get him potty trained here at school?

man I thought that I had it hard....are you sure he does not have a medical condition like a UTI or something?

does he do this at home too??

[allieannarbor]

Yes at home too! He holds it until he can't anymore (about 7 or so at night) and when they bring him in the morning they say he hasn't gone since then....

He is going to get a UTI from this happening, I would imagine.


oyyyyy