Biting Vent :(

[seebachers]

Ugh....my stomach is in knots ....................

Last week I had to have a conversation with a single mother about her child biting another child here at my daycare. When her daughter bit her own sister right in front of me and the mother, there was no disclipline involved except to admonish the older sister for "teasing" and "maybe she wouldn't get bit". I didn't say anything at the time, but I think it was more important that she should be disciplining the 18 month old for biting than the 9 year old for shaking a stuffy at her sister.

Then the infamous biting of last week happened with the mother saying things like "i hope its just a phase" and "she's such a little turkey". Even when I said that she has never bitten other children here....she replied...."well she bites me and M********" I guess I just wasn't getting through to her. Now I was sitting on the couch with the girls when this happened and the 18 month old was upset because the older child wouldn't give her a toy that she was playing. She then became made and bit the older child on the toe. It happened so fast and right in front of me. I let all of the parents know and the one dad was upset about it, but understands that it does happen.

Fast forward to today.........we were cleaning up toys and the 11 month old was playing with the doll house toys about 4 feet from me and I was helping the others to clean up toys into the basket. I hear this child getting angry and turn just as she bites the 11 month old in the face. I had been keeping myself between the littles as much as possible but let my guard slip.

So I had to tell the parents again and I let the biter's mom know that I am unable to keep a biting child. I explained that I have an obligation to the safety of all the children and I can not continue to do that with her there. I did say that I would continue care through the week but I would have to separate her from everyone (this child comes at 6:12a and leaves at 6p and she has a sister that comes 2 hours before school and 2 hours after school and they pay 148 a week)

The mom arrives at pick up fuming (which I totally understand - I feel for her....I really do). I carry her daughter out to her and start to say that I am really sorry that I have to do this. She stops me in mid sentence and says "if there is any way possible, they will NOT be here tomorrow." All I could say was, "I understand" - of course I am thinking....there is no way in hell they'll be coming now even if you begged). She yells at her daughter to grab her stuff.......grabs all the kids' things out of their cubbies and storms off. She puts them in the car and then comes back and knocks on my door and asks for her daughter's bottle (yes, 18 months and still on bottle - not my choice but to each his own). So I feel a little vindication that she doesn't get to storm off in a flourish.

I then head over to the little one who got bit because I wanted to see if it had gotten worse and to apologize to mom some more. While I was there, I get a text from the termed child's mother stating "what are the red marks on R****'s face?" My stomach churned over and now I am like WTH - 1/2 an hour has gone by since you were at my house. So I texted back "i don't know.....I didn't see anything on her when I handed her over to you in my kitchen."

Then I texted one more thing saying: ****, I have tried to give the best care to R**** and I am sorry that I had to let her go because of the biting. I have gone above and beyond for you and your girls. I care for them and will miss them.

I haven't received a response, but I am sick about her implying that something happened to R*****. She can be a very vindictive person and have seen her playing dirty during her divorce this last year.


I am sorry this is soooo long. The sad part is I am more upset about her implication than I am losing this family. To be honest, I was always a little intimidated by the mom and always tried to stay on her good side, because I've seen the other side. Not pretty. I do understand that she has every right to be upset about losing childcare and I know I would be mad about the situation.

[cheerfuldom]

Are you licensed? I would immediately call your licensing representative and prepare them for a possible complaint from this mother. Document everything....take a picture tomorrow of the injured child as proof (I did that before although I never needed to use the picture). Be ready to stand firm for your policies and your daycare. I understand this mom is upset but it seems more for the fact that she is being inconvenienced than anything else. You did your best (with no support from mom) and like you said, cannot keep a child in care that has to be constantly separated from others. I would have kept this child ONLY if the parents were on the same page about a plan to help this child overcome this bad habit but in this case, you have talked to the mom several times with no affect....and the biting was escalating. You did the right thing!

[daycare]

I agree with cheer...

you tried to talk to the mom about it and she ignored you. YOu did the right thing by letting the child go. I would have done the same thing you did.

The mom is mad that her lack of parenting has finally caught up with her.

try not to let it upset you too much and do just as cheer suggested with licensing.

[Happy Hearts]

Aww, I understand how you would feel worried about retaliation. Hopefully, she will calm down this evening and just get on with her life tomorrow. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, things are said and done that people feel sorry for later.

[Crystal]

Oh wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with this!

Mom has NO RIGHT to be upset with you or speak to you in that manner. YOU did NOTHING wrong. Her child bit another child on the face.! Mom's ongoing, nonchalant attitude about her child's biting in the first place is a reason for YOU to be upset, and the reason that the child continues biting!So, let her be upset, and don't you feel badly about it. A bite to the face is HUGE and I do not blame you for terming services. You either lose the biter, or you lose the victims when the parents get upset that their child was bitten, again. I'd pick the latter to keep.

In regards to allegations - prepare yourself for an investigation, make sure all of your records are in order, document this situation and have confidence in yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

How did the parents of the child who was bitten in the face react?

[Willow]

You did the right thing in terminating, but IMHO throughout the entire series of events you weren't "biting" enough.

You definitely had the right to tell the mom that her biting her sister was completely unacceptable and wouldn't be tolerated again. I know that can be tough but you can set clear expectations for behavior in your home and it shouldn't offend reasonable parents. The unreasonable ones can stuff it, your home, your rules.

Having a kiddo in care 12 hours a day is ridiculous in and of itself and you were definitely not charging enough to be doing such a thing. She should have been thanking her lucky stars every day that you made such accommodations for her for so very little pay.

Mom shouldn't have arrived fuming, she should have arrived APOLOGETIC.

After she snarked at you on the way out to the car ***why on earth*** would you tell her you understand???! I'm pretty non-confrontational but at that point I'd have turned tail and locked my door. You don't treat people like that, especially people who have done so much to help you and your children.

When she texted about marks on her childs face I would have replied: "Perhaps they were from the infant trying to defend herself when your child tried to take a chunk out of her face."

And why did you feel the need to text her an apology that you terminated??? You were well within your rights chica, you had absolutely nothing to be sorry about, especially with the attitude and nastiness she shot you after the fact.

You should not have had to try to keep on her good side. I feel awful you felt the need to make such efforts all this time. I've been there and it doesn't feel good. You shouldn't need to live with that sort of fear and anxiety.


If you are licensed definitely be proactive and get that call into your licensor first. Make sure you've got everything that happened before and today documented to a T so you don't forget any of the details should anything come of her ridiculous accusation.

I'm sure you'll be just fine, and hopefully land in an even much better place with her gone. Take a deep breath and try to relax. Chances are you'll never hear from her again and that that'll be a wonderful thing for you and your nerves!



ETA - I would text her right this minute and notify her that based on her hostile behavior upon her departure and subsequent text it's no longer a matter of "if it's possible" they won't be there tomorrow, it's simply no longer an option on your end. As much as you cared for the kids you refuse to be treated that way. Period.

[seebachers]

The parents of the child that was bitten (it was actually a set of siblings that got bit....the oldest is 3 and the baby is 11 months) - they were sooo good to me. The mom was nearly in tears when she saw how much I dreaded the confrontation that was going to happen with the other mom - and a few tears slipped out on my end. The dad actually called me this evening and thanked me for doing such a good job for his girls and that they really appreciate all I do. He was sorry that I was going to be losing the income but really appreciated me going to bat for his girls.

The mom is going to write a letter and sign it stating that she was there and saw the other girl and that I was holding her and she was loving on me and was in no way in distress or had any marks on her (and that was 8 minutes before the other mom arrived) and that she asked me to text dad to tell him that her cell phone was at school. So I do have the 5 texts that I sent to him from the time she left to the time the other mom arrived - which I am saving just in case.

I did have mom take pics of the bite when I was at her house - just to have it recorded somewhere. I will have her email it to me so that I can print it off and put it in the file. I hate having to do this, but I really feel that it is necessary.





P.S. Willow.......I think I love you!!!! You said it all perfectly!!!!

[seebachers]

????

received a text from this mom


" i unfortunately will have to have my girls there tomorrow and it gives me a sick feeling but I will not lose my job. It will b the last day."

this was my response:

"no, I am sorry but that is not an option any longer. consider your bill paid in full i will mail you the year end totals next week."

and her reply:

excellent from what I understand thats a lawsuit I wont lose. Ty



I am sending her the written termination letter by mail and have included the phrase in my handbook that I reserve the right to terminate immediately if it is extreme circumstances that interfere with the well-being of myself or children in attendance.

What else do I need to cover my bases???? I have written down the incidences but will have to go back to make sure dates are correct from the texting messages. I have saved ALL messages from today and yesterday when she asked me if I knew of anyone that could babysit on Friday evening. So yesterday I was a good babysitter but today she has a sick feeling. GRRRR!!!!

[Kaddidle Care]

What a witch! Don't let her threats bother you. She's just being a jerk.

My son bit his cousin in the face over a toy struggle and I felt like the worst mom in the whole world! I was apologising up one side and down the other, offering to pay for Dr. bills - and not letting my Son hear the end of it. What on earth is wrong with this woman? Biting is NOT a casual thing!

In the Center where I worked the policy was 3 bites = termination. It might be something you want to add to your policy.

[daycarediva]

She has no grounds for a lawsuit. She's angry and trying to intimidate you. Do NOT let her. I would talk to licensing and give them a heads up, I would also print out copies of photos, emails, texts, etc and get written statements from witnesses.

[Willow]

Everyone becomes a lawyer when they get mad people won't put up with their bull anymore.....



You're fine. And I'm glad you don't have to deal with her another single day. You've got everything you need, just make sure you jump on the offensive by getting that call into your licensor first thing this morning. I'm sure he/she will be able to reassure you nothing will come of this too.

[countrymom]

what would she sue you for, acually the parents of the other kids can sue her. She's bluffing and GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING YOUR GROUND!! Why would she lose her job, has she been taking too many days off that even you weren't aware off, anyways her job is not your problem.

[cheerfuldom]

Send all information certified mail so you have delivery confirmation!

Do not respond to ANYTHING from her at all....especially via text. If she starts harassing you for response, send her a cease and desist letter, again outlining the situation and that no further communication is needed and that you will take further action should she not comply. You dont have to outline what the action is, just sending this type of letter should make her cool it. No matter what she does, do not respond!

[momofsix]

Wow, it's amazing to me how fast a parent can turn on the person that cares for their child.

So sorry you're going through this. Hopefully it will blow over quickly and she'll figure out that she has no case. (((hugs))) to you!

Keep us posted on how things work out.