OT- I Need Some Words Of Encouragement w/My Child

[daycare]

You go as far as it takes for her to "get" it. If she's adult enough to make the decision not to go through with the agreement you made with her and move out into her own apartment, she's adult enough to pay for her rent, her laundry expenses, her tuition, food, car, etc. I know it's hard to hold their feet to the fire (I have an 18 yr old who just graduated high school in the spring and a 21 yr old who graduated from college this spring) but sometimes that's what it takes for them to learn important life lessons.

If you don't want her to come over to do her laundry, tell her, "I'm sorry honey, it's not convenient for me. There should be a laundromat available somewhere - check the phone book. Just remember to bring lots of quarters."

this was me....My father paid for me to go to the school in the USA many moons ago. He would only pay if I were in school and was to return. Well one thing lead to the next and some 25 years later, I am still here in USA. Of course I am leaving out a lot of drama...

So speaking from experience, tuff love will work, but if you do take it too far the end result is what my father and I have now. NOthing.

I would tell her this.

You are free to make your own decisions now that you are an adult. When I see you heading down a bad path or one that could be misleading, I will say something to you. You can choose to respect my words and advice and try it out my way, as I have many many years of experiece and only want to help you. Or you can take it with a grain of salt and do as you wish. But if you make the wrong decisions, I can't continue to help you.

I would say you can help her once with this situation and after you help you then you need to stand back and let her walk on her own.

I was very stubborn and thought I am 18 I know it all, not realizing that I knew nothing and was still a child.

If you do decide to help her. YOu lay down your ground rules and if she breaks them once, no more help....Let her know this up front

[Blackcat31]

Ha! after going back and forth with her today about the issue, she just text me and asked if she could come over and do laundry??????? I want to say NO WAY

I need to incorporate some tough love, but how far do you go with it????

I just got a chance to read this thread and have a few suggestions and comments for you but I am so running out of time today......

I will try to respond more tonight or early in the morning but I have been in your shoes EXACTLY with my oldest and I know EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through.

I can share my experiences with you and hopefully offer you some insight from someone who was in your shoes about 3 years ago.

Oh and as far as the laundy....I always let my kids do their laundry at home but they had to come with their own soap and fabric softner and do a couple chores while they were home waiting for their wash such as vacuum or dust or whatever needs doing.

[e.j.]

So speaking from experience, tuff love will work, but if you do take it too far the end result is what my father and I have now. NOthing.

I agree with everything you said. I like "logical consequences" vs "tough love". I think, as a parent, you have to remain as emotionally supportive of your kids as possible but still be willing to step back and allow them to make their mistakes and feel the consequences of their decisions.

[wahmof3]

Thanks for all of your suggestions and help lovethis

So here are some more facts:

She is 99% going to drop out of college.

I have offered numerous alternatives to ease her load w/ fulltime job/school- she has declined EVERY SINGLE ONE.

She swears she is going to go in fall of 2013. Her track record for sticking to her word is not very good. She keeps quitting in everything (this is heartbreaking too)

Can somebody please define tough love. Where do you draw the line?? I am told I need to let her go but she needs to know she is always welcome here. What the heck does that really mean?? She can mess her life up & I am expected to have open arms and clean up her mess??? I don't understand.

Thanks again. Just being able to vent helps out so much.

[daycare]

Thanks for all of your suggestions and help lovethis

So here are some more facts:

She is 99% going to drop out of college.

I have offered numerous alternatives to ease her load w/ fulltime job/school- she has declined EVERY SINGLE ONE.

She swears she is going to go in fall of 2013. Her track record for sticking to her word is not very good. She keeps quitting in everything (this is heartbreaking too)

Can somebody please define tough love. Where do you draw the line?? I am told I need to let her go but she needs to know she is always welcome here. What the heck does that really mean?? She can mess her life up & I am expected to have open arms and clean up her mess??? I don't understand.

Thanks again. Just being able to vent helps out so much.

I do think that is what it means....sort of....

YOu can only do so much. YOu can't force her to make YOUR decisions anymore.

you can talk until you are blue in the face and she will continue to do what SHE wants.

YOu have to let life lead her where she wants to go, even if it's what you know is wrong. In due time, she will find out that it was not the right decision for her, or the right whatever.............

when she fails, you open your heart and comfort her.....just like you did when she was a little girl....BUT THEN...........

you tell her, I am very sorry, I cant help you completely. I can not fix the mistakes you made....its like that saying you made your bed now lie in it......... Le her suffer her bad mistakes.....

But let her know that she always has a home to come home to.....OF COURSE there are stipulations of coming back home....

like....if you are going to live at my home, you need to be enrolled in college full time. OR you need to be working full time and paying rent. then put a time limit on how long she can live with you. Maybe long enough to get her on her feet................

There are those that will listen by advice and those that will learn by making their own mistakes...........It sounds like your daughter is the second one......which is exactly how I am.........and there is nothing wrong with self discovery of your own lifes mistakes

[e.j.]

I do think that is what it means....sort of....

YOu can only do so much. YOu can't force her to make YOUR decisions anymore.

you can talk until you are blue in the face and she will continue to do what SHE wants.

YOu have to let life lead her where she wants to go, even if it's what you know is wrong. In due time, she will find out that it was not the right decision for her, or the right whatever.............

when she fails, you open your heart and comfort her.....just like you did when she was a little girl....BUT THEN...........

you tell her, I am very sorry, I cant help you completely. I can not fix the mistakes you made....its like that saying you made your bed now lie in it......... Le her suffer her bad mistakes.....

But let her know that she always has a home to come home to.....OF COURSE there are stipulations of coming back home....

like....if you are going to live at my home, you need to be enrolled in college full time. OR you need to be working full time and paying rent. then put a time limit on how long she can live with you. Maybe long enough to get her on her feet................

There are those that will listen by advice and those that will learn by making their own mistakes...........It sounds like your daughter is the second one......which is exactly how I am.........and there is nothing wrong with self discovery of your own lifes mistakes

Well said.

I am told I need to let her go but she needs to know she is always welcome here. What the heck does that really mean?? She can mess her life up & I am expected to have open arms and clean up her mess??? I don't understand.

Having open arms and cleaning up her mess are two different things. It can be so frustrating... when a child turns 18, they automatically get the legal right to make decisions for themselves but they don't necessarily have enough life experience to ensure that the decisions they're making are good ones. As a parent, you try to guide them toward making the right decisions but they don't always listen or agree. When they don't listen and they make mistakes, I think it's important that they clean up their own mess to the extent they're able. While they're cleaning up their own mess, it's important to be supportive - to have both arms open, to be there for them emotionally and to offer suggestions if they want them or are willing to listen.

At her age, I think it's important for her to know that you are there for her and that she is welcome to move back home if she realizes she made a mistake and needs a re-do.

Once they leave, my kids will always be welcome to come back home if they need to. The "rules" will be different from when they were kids living at home but I hope they know they'll always be loved and welcome no matter what.
Good luck. I hope things work out for you and your dd. I know it isn't always easy!lovethis

[countrymom]

Agree 100% with daycarediva.

I was the oldest of three girls. My parents were super tough on me. I moved out when I was still in high school and they were solid as a rock. Didn't give me an inch. I wanted to be a grown up, I was going to be treated like one.

I hit a few snags and it was tough living on ramen and jello . I had horrible apartments and got evicted because of roommates that came and went without paying their share of the rent. I got hounded when my car payment was late and nearly lost my license when I stopped paying my car insurance and got pulled over (couldn't afford it!)

I moved back home once, for two months, and only because the 100+ year old dilapidated dirt floor basement farm house I had moved into at one point had a fuel oil leak and I was in danger of being blown sky high.

Life was hard for several years, but it made me smart, appreciative, and incredibly self sufficient.

*My sisters on the other hand.....*

Lived at home through college. When they attempted to move out my parents paid most of their bills, bought them groceries, gave them gas money....my middle sister hardly kept a (very) part time job all through her entire four years at a private college. She didn't have to. Everything was taken care of for her. When she finished her degree she moved to Japan (in the name of gaining experience related to her degree) and they continued to support her there while she also worked very part time hours. She once whined to me while over there that she had to make her own coffee....I kid you not. When she returned from Japan she declared the four year degree she'd chosen wasn't what she really wanted to do with life. She moved back home, and my parents are now supporting her as she contemplates what she does "actually" want to do with her life. Currently she's back to working part time, this time changing beds and cleaning bathrooms in a nursing home and part time in a group home for schizophrenic men......she's 25.

My youngest sister tried to take my route and move out while she was still nearly in high school. Only difference is they didn't require anything of her that they did of me. They paid her bills too, including her college tuition, groceries, gas, etc. All she had to pay for was her rent. She's been evicted from 3 different apartments in less than 3 years and has had to move back home several times. She's failed more classes than I can count, and why not? She's not paying for them. She got pregnant by a convicted felon and had a baby last year. She's still with him. Although she's got better work ethic than my other sister her life still leaves much to be desired, and she doesn't see that at all. She's completed the equivalent of a year and a half of a four year degree in nearly four years. She'll be 23 in November.



My conclusion?

Stop giving in or you're just asking to end up with boomerang mochers like my parents did.

Lay the hammer down when it comes to your daughter and this stage in her life.

She might not like it now but she'll thank you for it later.

I've could of written the exact same post along with the same sisters too. Not only this, but I want to add that by enabling them to do all this stuff for them acually will make them into not so smart adults and fake people. My one sister is now a hoarder because no one told her to clean her room, had a kid that lives with my parents and then had another kid who lives with them (both have the same dad) they both have no money skills, my dad bought them a brand new house, still pays for their house insurance...oh and she's 36 yrs old.

my other sister goes thru jobs like people go thru underware. She's lazy and doesn't want to work (and she is educated too) she's lucky that her dh makes good money. Is so fake its sickening, but thats how she gets what she wants. My parents still do everything for her too, like cut the grass, clean her enourmous house, oh she don't have any kids...she's 30yrs old

I on the other hand have to do everything myself. I moved out at 18yrs old, got a job, found dh in a bar ! and now have 4 kids. Considering I'm the busiest with the most amount of kids and the biggest property no one helps us out. I now install those values in my kids. I show them what happens when parents do everything for you. I also told my kids that we will partially help them with school but I expect them to earn the other half. If they don't want to go to school then they can live here but they will pay rent (but i will put it in another account)

My next door neighbour allowed the boyfriends to move in with his teenage daughters. I have never ever seen such lazy kids like these ones. In the winter those won't shovel the driveway, they don't take out the trash, don't cut the grass. Dh always says that he would never ever allow that nonesense in the house.

[countrymom]

what are her plans if she drops out of school. Make her write it down and let her post it to the fridge. Sometimes having a visual plan works too.

[youretooloud]

this is not your problem to solve.

Right.

She will be O.K, and in the end will figure it out. Even if it means she drops out of school. It will always be O.K.

She's probably just in need of someone to vent to. I wouldn't offer to bail her out, but offer her a place to come back to as soon as she figures this all out.