How To Handle Judgment From Your Own Family?

[BumbleBee]

Let me just start out by saying that I love both of my parents. My issue is the comments they both make in regards to my home/daycare/yard/etc. Some examples:

Upon opening the fridge to get a water: "oh, there's no food in here. Guess starving daycare kids is fine these days." For the record I have one kid starting Sep. 4th and I don't generally keep a lot of food in my fridge because I don't use it before it goes bad. My pantry is stocked with noodles, spaghetti sauce, dry goods, etc. Additionally my freezer is packed with meals that I've made, portioned out, and frozen so they are quick & easy.

"I wouldn't want my kid with someone who can't put dishes away." There were dishes drying in a dish rack.

"An unmade bed doesn't look professional." My bedroom is off limits to all daycare kids/families. The door has a stop sign on it (for the kids), a private sign on it (for the parents) and a child proofing door knob cover. 75% of my house is for the daycare. My bedroom, my bathroom, and 1/2 of the office are strictly mine. The door is closed except when I'm sleeping.

"Trimming the grass around the house (weed wacking) will make it look like you actually care." I finished mowing just as it started to rain. It then rained for 4 days straight.

"You must not be trying hard enough." When I let my dad know that I signed up my first kid.

"You probably won't get your license." While I was waiting for my certificate of registration from the state.

I've talked to them about how much their comments hurt. They just don't get it-they justify why they say it. I understand constructive critisism but some of their comments just sound down right mean to me. I guess I'm just at a loss of how to handle it. I pointed out (admittedly while I was upset & angry) that neither one of them hold themselves to the same standards that they apparently hold me to. It didn't sink in, they're still doing it. I don't get it. I've been out of their respective homes for 8 years so it's not like I just moved out.

Any advice or opinions are greatly appreciated.

[cheerfuldom]

wow, are they like this about every part of your life? or just daycare?

[Hunni Bee]

I'm not a sensitive person, but those are hurtful comments. I guess in there own way, they think they're giving you a push toward the "right" direction, but it's unwanted and sounds downright mean.

I'm one for confrontation, so I'd lay it out there:

"Mom, Dad, I realize you think you're being helpful by making these comments about my housekeeping, etc. But I feel attacked when you say these things and I really am not in need of this advice from you. I need you to stop saying these things. I do value your opinions and I hope you won't mind giving them when I ask."

If they become angry or continue the comments, the next time they asked to come over, I'd tell them I'll be glad to have them over again when they can respect my home, business and feelings.

I had to have a similar conversation with my mother when I first moved out. She felt it was alright to let herself in (she has a key for emergencies) and take things, bring things in, rearrange, etc. at will.

I hope things get better.

[BumbleBee]

Cheerfuldom - just the daycare/house.

Hunni Bee - thanks for the push. Looks like laying it out there is the best bet, as much as I hate to do it. Confrontation with other people doesn't bother me s much as when it's with family. Thank you again.

[Blackcat31]

(((hugs))) since this is a tough situation to be in. I get that you love your parents but honestly if you have told them in no uncertain terms that their comments are hurtful and mean rather than supportive and kind, and they don't change their ways then there isn't much you can really do with the exception of limiting the amount of time you spend with them.

Toxic family members can hurt you to the core and you really don't need that in your life. It does take an emotional toll after a while.

Perhaps a small break from them, will help them "see the light" and understand that you will, if necessary stop having regular contact with them if they don't change their ways.

Do you have siblings? Do they (your parents) treat your siblings the same way?

My own family can be dysfunctional at times and don't even get me started about my in-laws, as they can take the cake on WTF behaviors at times, so I really do understand what you are going through but there does come a time that you HAVE to do what you have to do to remain emotionally and mentally protected/sane.

[MarinaVanessa]

"Well thanks mom and dad. I really appreciated that you guys came by to visit! Hate to cut our visit short but as you just pointed out (while you're getting their coats/purse and ushering them out the door) I have a TON of stuff I didn't get around to doing due to your visit. Love ya! See ya next time!!"

Kill em with kindness. There is no need for you to have to get upset with them because all in all only you will get emotional. Instead of getting upset simply show them the door ... yes they are your parents and yes you love them but as soon as they get down right nasty, that's when you end the situation. If you are visiting them and they do it ... excuse yourself. No one needs to be surrounded by constant negativity from someone.

My dad was just like this and he eventually got the hint that unless he stopped saying negative things about the way that I lived I just wasn't going to come around anymore. And don't let it fester ... I'm sure your parents love you dearly ... just understand that they probably can't be the type of parents you need right now and that's ok .... but it doesn't mean you have to sit through a Trummynme Bashing session either.

HUGS!!!lovethis

[Kaddidle Care]

Mom and Dad, it's MY house. Don't like it, pick up a broom and help or there's the door.

And BTW - no parent is perfect. You might want to remind them of that.

I've also found that certain things run every other generation. If your Mom was a neatnick, chances are you arent' and chances are, your kid(s) will be.

[DaisyMamma]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. It's awful.
The only way to make it stop is by standing up for yourself and letting them know to mind their own business and you don't want to hear it, period.
Remember, they think they are trying to help.

[Angelsj]

I either "pass the bean dip"... "No one will bring their kids to someone who can't put away dishes." "So, mom, how is Uncle Jimmy doing these days."

We call this refusal to engage. Simply change the subject and refuse to react, ad nauseum, until they give it up.

or two, snarky answer... "Well, I guess it's a good thing you aren't bringing your kids here, hmmm?"

Personally, I choose number one. I have also been known to say, "Wow, that was incredibly rude of you to say." And walked away.

The point is that you cannot change what they do, only how you react. They are going to say mean, nasty, discouraging things. You know they are undeserved. Let them wallow, and get your encouragement somewhere else.

We home school, so much experience with this.. My dad's last word on the subject was supposed to be encouraging. He said, "I can't believe you have stuck with it this long!" Um, thanks?? My oldest graduate is 25, and I have four in college. I have "stuck with it" for quite some time. I don't look to him for encouragement.

[BumbleBee]

Thank you Everybody

Do you have siblings? Do they (your parents) treat your siblings the same way?

they can take the cake on WTF behaviors at times.

I have an older sister. I haven't seen them do it to her, but she hasn't bought a house yet.

Had to :: at the in-law comment.

"Well thanks mom and dad. I really appreciated that you guys came by to visit! Hate to cut our visit short but as you just pointed out (while you're getting their coats/purse and ushering them out the door) I have a TON of stuff I didn't get around to doing due to your visit. Love ya! See ya next time!!"

just understand that they probably can't be the type of parents you need right now and that's ok.

Will definately have to try to killing them with kindness. I tend to get VERY frustrated and emotional when they do this. I, unfortunately, wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to my family.

That last line, wow, that threw me for a loop. I never thought of it that way. Good thing to keep in mind and it definately puts things in perspective a little bit more.

I've also found that certain things run every other generation. If your Mom was a neatnick, chances are you arent' and chances are, your kid(s) will be.

Very true. My mom was a mess-a-holic, dad is a level 2 hoarder. I'm not OCD about it being 'perfect' but I'm a whole lot tidier than they ever were.

The only way to make it stop is by standing up for yourself and letting them know to mind their own business and you don't want to hear it, period.
Remember, they think they are trying to help.

Very true.

Simply change the subject and refuse to react, ad nauseum, until they give it up.

or two, snarky answer... "Well, I guess it's a good thing you aren't bringing your kids here, hmmm?"

The point is that you cannot change what they do, only how you react.

Yeah, I tend to go with snarky most of the time-usually out of anger and hurt. Will have to work on 'passing the bean dip.' And you're right, I can't change what they do, only how I react.

[My3cents]

Let me just start out by saying that I love both of my parents. My issue is the comments they both make in regards to my home/daycare/yard/etc. Some examples:

Upon opening the fridge to get a water: "oh, there's no food in here. Guess starving daycare kids is fine these days." For the record I have one kid starting Sep. 4th and I don't generally keep a lot of food in my fridge because I don't use it before it goes bad. My pantry is stocked with noodles, spaghetti sauce, dry goods, etc. Additionally my freezer is packed with meals that I've made, portioned out, and frozen so they are quick & easy.

"I wouldn't want my kid with someone who can't put dishes away." There were dishes drying in a dish rack.

"An unmade bed doesn't look professional." My bedroom is off limits to all daycare kids/families. The door has a stop sign on it (for the kids), a private sign on it (for the parents) and a child proofing door knob cover. 75% of my house is for the daycare. My bedroom, my bathroom, and 1/2 of the office are strictly mine. The door is closed except when I'm sleeping.

"Trimming the grass around the house (weed wacking) will make it look like you actually care." I finished mowing just as it started to rain. It then rained for 4 days straight.

"You must not be trying hard enough." When I let my dad know that I signed up my first kid.

"You probably won't get your license." While I was waiting for my certificate of registration from the state.

I've talked to them about how much their comments hurt. They just don't get it-they justify why they say it. I understand constructive critisism but some of their comments just sound down right mean to me. I guess I'm just at a loss of how to handle it. I pointed out (admittedly while I was upset & angry) that neither one of them hold themselves to the same standards that they apparently hold me to. It didn't sink in, they're still doing it. I don't get it. I've been out of their respective homes for 8 years so it's not like I just moved out.

Any advice or opinions are greatly appreciated.

hugs to you........ it is hard to remain positive when your surrounded with negative.

I am a builder. I have tons of patience until I can't and then I build up and I blow..... I think I would try the kill them with kindness too. Mom makes a negative, you respond with someone is being a Debbie Downer today.........and then on to the bean dip. Hard part is the feelings your left with after, your left to swim in your own thoughts. Here is where you change your thought process to positive reaffirmations. Then when she leaves you come unglued to whoever will listen and then you let it go. You can also try the approach of just listening and saying nothing with no reaction, maybe a nod or a yea- let her have the control that she doesn't have anymore over you, at least let them think they have it. Your Mom is seeing that she can pick you apart and get under your skin and it may be out of her own short comings. It is a learned art, very hard to do when its your family and you care. There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself and living a different way from what you were brought up, you don't have to please your parents anymore. It is their choice if they are going to support you or not.
In home daycare is often not taken seriously because it is our homes. Work hard and you will get your license and you will get kids, and don't look back or let anyone stop you from doing what you want to do. If there is some truth is said in what your family is saying just try to improve yourself a little at a time. I really think if they see that they can't bother you by picking you apart they will get it, may take many times of doing this. I also think they just really care about you and have a funny way of showing it, they miss the control they no longer have and never gave up.

hugs and best

[spud912]

I personally believe that your best bet is to be very direct with your parents. You need to tell them: "This business is mine, not yours. I know you're trying to help me, but you need to let me handle my own business. I don't care to know your opinion about any aspect of it. I am a grown woman and can handle it on my own (including any successes or failures). If you can't refrain from saying something about it, then I'm going to have to ask you to not come over."

It might hurt their feelings, they may feel resentful, but it needs to be said. After you have been direct with them, then you need to follow through. If they can't keep out of your business, then tell them that they are no longer welcome in your home. You also need to make sure that you don't go to them looking for daycare-related advice or to complain about it. In doing so, you open yourself up to any comments.