Planning On Making a Phone Call This Weekend- I Need MAJOR Backbone!

[momofboys]

I am planning on calling my teacher family this weekend. She is not good at picking up the phone so I anticipate she will have to call me back & then I will feel unprepared to talk at a moment's notice. Short background, I cared for her family this past school year & was not very strict & as a result she took advantage of me. She frequently dropped off almost too late for the kids to catch the bus, would pick up late on a regular basis, never gave me much notice about appointments or changes in her schedule, expected me to work late on occasion & would seem perturbed when I said no. She did pay on time but I almost always had to ask for my check. I could go on & on. Aside from that her kids were okay but much rowdier than my kids & they also taught my children some inappropriate things (language issues, etc).
I have no agreement with her & after much thought decided that another year with them would be another year of no fun even if I was stricter. I just don't want to do business with them again. I felt disrespected on a regular basis & not appreciated ( I know, my fault for not being stricter but in my book if you need someone to tell you how to behave then what's the point?). So I have decided to let her know she needs to find other care for the fall. This will be a hard conversation b/c my boys enjoy her son's company & we see them on a regular basis. What excuse do I give or do I give none? I don't want to lie . . . . .

Sorry I meant to add this. . . that I feel guilty for telling her I don't want to watch her kids anymore. I know I should not & that I am doing what is best for ME & my family. But I still feel bad.

[My4SunshineGirlsNY]

I can say, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am terrible at breaking this news face to face or over the phone. I always prefer to write it all down, that way I say everything I want to say without forgetting anything. Problem with letters is, they can't hear tone and some don't like this, but that is how I prefer.

If you don't want to lie, you'll just have to tell her straight up and honest....but if you want to stretch the truth a little...just say you will be downsizing.

I am in the process of trying to let one of my daycare boys go because of late pick up's and other reasons that annoy me about the mom and boy...I don't want to tell her all these reasons..like you said, if she needs to be told, it's not worth it. I just finished a letter stating that starting in 2 weeks my closing time will change to 4:30 sharp with no overtime at all to allow for appts., family time, homework when school is in, and sports my girls are in. This won't work for her work schedule as she has a hard enough time making it on time at 5pm. as it is now...so she will be forced to find someone else ;-)

[Golden Rule]

You can tell her that your financial and family needs have changed and you will be filling all available slots with full-timers only. You will also be incorporating a set schedule of __am to __pm, Monday through Friday with no exceptions. (I'd also not do evenings, I say keep them just for your kids if you can JMO. Keeps you from burning out too quickly.)

If she intends to stay she will have to pay the full time price, even if her children do not attend, and follow the new policies. That should do it....

[momofboys]

You can tell her that your financial and family needs have changed and you will be filling all available slots with full-timers only. You will also be incorporating a set schedule of __am to __pm, Monday through Friday with no exceptions. (I'd also not do evenings, I say keep them just for your kids if you can JMO. Keeps you from burning out too quickly.)

If she intends to stay she will have to pay the full time price, even if her children do not attend, and follow the new policies. That should do it....

Ohhhhh that's good! I KNOW she will not want to pay a full-time price for 2 school-agers & her toddler. I always charged her very cheaply for her school-ager. Of course she may still ask me about watching her toddler so I'd have to be prepared to desl with that if it came up.

[Golden Rule]

Ohhhhh that's good! I KNOW she will not want to pay a full-time price for 2 school-agers & her toddler. I always charged her very cheaply for her school-ager. Of course she may still ask me about watching her toddler so I'd have to be prepared to desl with that if it came up.

You do not need to feel bad about it, either....

1. We are limited in the number of kids we can keep for pay. Our bills stay constant, so we know how many kids we have to keep to stay in business...

2. We all know that a stable routine (no turnover, kids coming and going at all hours, new faces all the time, etc.) and low ratio is in the kids best interest...

3. The best way to meet all the childrens needs (yours and theirs) is full-time, consistent, paid slots...

Who can argue with that?

[AfterSchoolMom]

If you have no agreement with her, I don't see why you have to tell her anything. Do you have a verbal understanding? I assume that since she isn't respectful that she just assumes that you'll keep three spaces open for her to use at her discretion, right? Just tell her when the time comes, sorry, but I'm full.

[Crystal]

Personally, I would not call. I would type a letter on business letterhead, mail it certified mail and be done with it. If she calls you about it, explain that all information that she needs is stated in the letter and that you would appreciate it being left at that. Calling her gives her the opportunity to question you - and if you're not quick on your feet, you'll end up either saying things you regret, or giving into her requests. Other than that, business dealings such as these are ALWAYS best to be done in writing, then if there are ever any "demands" you have in writing EXACTLY what was said. You do not owe any explanation of why you no longer wish to provide services for this family.

I'd keep short and sweet:

Dear________

Effective (date) I will no longer be available to provide child care services for ________________. I appreciate the opportunity to have cared for your children while they were in my care. If you are in need of referrals to providers who may be able to meet your families needs, you may contact our local resource and referral agency at (phone number).

Thank you,

Me.

[boysx5]

it took me a long time to get over this but after 14 years I have decided I do whats best for me and if its not working its not working and you need to be happy and if your not then nobody is happy. Good luck its hard but you will feel better

[professionalmom]

Sorry I meant to add this. . . that I feel guilty for telling her I don't want to watch her kids anymore. I know I should not & that I am doing what is best for ME & my family. But I still feel bad.

I agree with the PPs on everything they said. As for the part I am quoting, of course you feel guilty and I know exactly why. I had a client like this and I kept her for over 14 months because of all the intimidation. Not only did she treat me horribly, she had this overpowering, "I'm superior to you and ruin your life" attitude. She really intimidated me. She even brought a known criminal to my house! Toward the end, I finally got wise and looked up some stuff online. Sure enough, it was a classic case of verbal and psychological abuse. And eventually, the victim can start to feel responsible for the abuser and this guilt causes the victim to allow the abuse to continue. Just imagine why people stay with an abusive spouse for decades. Abusers use mind-control through manipulation and brainwashing by slowly demeaning you a little more each time. Thank God I had my husband to constantly reassure me that I did the right thing in terminating her contract and that it was not my fault and that I had nothing to feel guilty about. Eventually, the guilt wore off and I undid the brainwashing.

If you are feeling guilty, I would almost bet that it went on for so long that you become her puppet, like my former client had me by the strings. As hard as it is, cut it ASAP and seek reassurance from family, friends, and us. You have nothing to feel guilty for! Be brave! Face the dragon. It may be scary at heck, but eventually, you be proud that you did.

And it can happen to anyone. Trust me. I thought I was too old, wise, educated, experienced, and had too much self-esteem for it to happen to me. Yet, I did not see the signs until I was already in very deep. Thank God I got out of it!

[momofboys]

I agree with the PPs on everything they said. As for the part I am quoting, of course you feel guilty and I know exactly why. I had a client like this and I kept her for over 14 months because of all the intimidation. Not only did she treat me horribly, she had this overpowering, "I'm superior to you and ruin your life" attitude. She really intimidated me. She even brought a known criminal to my house! Toward the end, I finally got wise and looked up some stuff online. Sure enough, it was a classic case of verbal and psychological abuse. And eventually, the victim can start to feel responsible for the abuser and this guilt causes the victim to allow the abuse to continue. Just imagine why people stay with an abusive spouse for decades. Abusers use mind-control through manipulation and brainwashing by slowly demeaning you a little more each time. Thank God I had my husband to constantly reassure me that I did the right thing in terminating her contract and that it was not my fault and that I had nothing to feel guilty about. Eventually, the guilt wore off and I undid the brainwashing.

If you are feeling guilty, I would almost bet that it went on for so long that you become her puppet, like my former client had me by the strings. As hard as it is, cut it ASAP and seek reassurance from family, friends, and us. You have nothing to feel guilty for! Be brave! Face the dragon. It may be scary at heck, but eventually, you be proud that you did.

And it can happen to anyone. Trust me. I thought I was too old, wise, educated, experienced, and had too much self-esteem for it to happen to me. Yet, I did not see the signs until I was already in very deep. Thank God I got out of it!

Thank you to everyone for your responses. I am uncertain as to whether I will call or send a note. I almost feel as if I must call, because I see this woman at church most Sundays. We are "friendly" with them although we do not hang out with them. Ughhhhhh. Part of me is glad to be done with them but I hate dealing with the ramifications of what I put up with for so long. What causes parents to treat their providers poorly? Part of me wants to "educate" her on her many wrongs but I know that would do no good & only make me look bad. I do appreciate the insight from everyone & Crystal I appreciate the letter. It will be hard to keep it short & sweet on the phone but I feel like she will call me if she gets a letter so it will only be delaying the inevitable.

[originalkat]

I was going to say that I would send a letter like Crystal said...but if you see them regularly outside of business then that is not really a good idea. You are just going to have to call and tell her. What about telling her You cant hold the spots over the summer and need to fill them now for financial reasons??

[AfterSchoolMom]

What about telling her You cant hold the spots over the summer and need to fill them now for financial reasons??

That may give her an opening to tell you that she wants the spots - but do tell her that you have ALREADY filled them with full timers. Don't leave her any leeway whatsoever.