I Don't Know If I Can Do This Anymore. I Feel Like I'm Endangering These Kids...

[cheerfuldom]

Please call Nan and get some help asap! I have only had the chance to speak to her once, probably about a year ago, but she made such a difference with a particular situation and I regularly go back to those techniques she gave me. Its a place to start and please dont be afraid to call! she was super nice and professional, you wont regret it!

[nannyde]

Thank you so much for posting this and being honest. I feel exactly the same way, except, to be honest, I've fallen a little more out of control.

I used to be a classroom teacher dealing with 28 kids at a time, but I had breaks, specials like art, music, recess, lunch, prep time. I had co-workers and I had accountability.

Now I'm alone with these kids all day everyday. I find myself struggling with anger, for no reason. On days when I'm not even that busy. I don't like it, I'm worried I might not be safe with them and maybe I shouldn't be doing this job, but I can't tell anyone. I find myself being too rough with them, and yes, I have spanked some on occasion. Not hard, just a swat or two. I find myself grabbing by the arm too rougly and clenching my jaw and being mad in my head.

I can't tell anyone because like you said, shame and losing my whole family, business, life. I don't know what to do either. I keep trying to pray about it, but then not much longer I lose my cool.

I'm so embarrassed to post this, I don't want people to think I'm a monster and I haven't had the guts to post it, thank you OP for posting how you're really handling it.

You are welcome to call me too friend. Any time day or night. You have both numbers and I'll answer any time. lovethis

[Heidi]

Definately call nan but here are a few thoughts....How many kidlets do you have? The best thing that I did was I have a dedicated playroom and a schedule. The playroom has a, ok we call it the baby cage, but it is like a rug rats play pen.. you know the octogon thing and it has a gate on the door. If I need the kids to be secure I can have them be. The playroom has limited toys in it so that I don't have a huge mess! My playroom, kitchen, breakfast room and bathroom are also gated off from the rest of my house. These are the only areas the kidlets are allowed in. This greatly increases my sanity (Note: my oldest kidlet right now is almost 3 so today I have 3 one yr olds and 2 2yr olds. I have an odd assortment no more than 6 at a time but ranging starting again next week when school starts is 2 6 mo, 4 1 yr olds, 3 2 yr olds, and a just turned 4 yr old! So only 2 potty training and 4 working on it! so I need a safe place to plop them!)
So set up a safe gated area! This also means I can walk out to the kitchen pour another cup of coffee and regroup!)
Second, a set routine or schedule. Unless if they are babies they sleep according to my time schedule. Believe it or not I have all 6 asleep in the the same room! I love naptime.. it is my sanity!
so I "ideal" that I work from is as follows-
6:30- 9 kidlets may be arriving on the 6:30 end we may snuggle and snooze a couple more minutes but generally if they arrive 7 or after we are off and moving. Breakfast, playing in the playroom etc. By 9 everyone is dressed, little girls hair is done (I like it pulled up and secure) and diapers (bathroom) is all done! Breakfast every morning is cereal (organic o's), bananas and milk unless I offer up bagels or toast, sometimes I make waffles or muffins but I try to keep it simple. They eat much better this way! Playroom is retidied.
9- if at all possible we go out for a walk. I like to wear them out early! They tend to settle down then..
If it is nice when we return we may play outside for a bit on the patio. This morning we washed out potatoes for lunch outside
between 9:30 and 10 we are back inside. (check diapers and offer the bathroom and a drink of water- little bathroom size dixie cups) I read them a story and we do an activity. you can look at my facebook page for ideas https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?...sSteinelsHouse
then they play while I pull together lunch.
(on the playroom and toys I switch out toys frequently!! Keeps the interest level up. And I add appropriate theme props. So we have farmer's market baskets with the food this week.)
11 we eat lunch as soon as they are at the table with food I set up playroom (which they picked up before coming to the table) for naptime. Putting down their cots throwing a sheet over the toy shelf etc, pulling curtains.
As they finish eating I clean them up and change diapers. I have an order based on who will lie down without me in the playroom and who will create chaos. So by a little after 12 I am rocking those that need it to sleep. Yes, I have trained them to stay on their cots.. if they don't fall asleep I rock them generally they are all down within 10 minutes. Yup. They are trained. We play hard and sleep hard. They wake somewhere between 2:30 and 3. (babies nap in my dining room)
3 we clean up nap stuff change diapers,go potty etc.
3:30 ish we have a snack (generally fruit and crackers water)
They play after that. Either back outside or in the playroom.
I will offer a "free art" choice (playdoh, collage stuff etc. esp. in the winter.
4:30- 5:30 so kidlets are picked up.
5:40 dinner for the ones that I will have until 6:30
6:15 everything is picked up and I will read until moms get here

Planning is a big key if you have activities it helps. Also if I am cooking the kids are in the playroom or strapped into chairs or high chairs. I try to have some "instant activities" sorting type things or puzzles. If the little girl could have had something to do maybe she wouldn't follow you. Putting her at the table with crayons or pom poms to sort may be helpful. Busy kids are content kids
I hope this helps some. I have had the crazy days! I once looked at a little 2 yr old and said "Tyler! You're going to drive me crazy!" He didn't miss a beat, he looked at me and said "OK, you get in the back and I'll drive" and took off pretending to drive a car! I have a 1 yr old right now that I do not leave unattended! He is in the "baby cage" if I have to walk out of the room. He is one that will hurt himself or others (he has even tried to take apart my window airconditioner!) so I know better. I can't get mad at him I have to be aware!
Another idea would be if you have a preteen neighborhood girl that is good with kidlets maybe offering her a few bucks to come "lifeguard" in the afternoon for a few hours (summer a few mornings) I homeschool, so my dd (now 21 and at college) and ds 15 have always been around to be an extra set of hands. But, that might give you a few moments of help.
If you have any questions just ask Blessings.

wooah! Just spent a little time on your FB page, and you put me to shame, lady!

[love111]

I think we have all been there. And if after maybe tweaking your group, ages, kids, dropping some etc Making a better schedule whatever it is if in 6 months you feel the same maybe this isn't for you.

It takes alot to care for other peoples kids. Might I add I have been there, I hired an assistant and I will soon be able to go out and go to the gym mid day I can't wait!!!

Do the math for an assistant 3 days a week for 3 or 4 hours, the busiest time of the day. If it still has you making more money than it would cost to put the kids in daycare and go to work outside the home, then you are still ahead. Because at this rate you will loose everything.

For now put the kids in a safe place and if you feel like you are blowing a top, walk outside for a second. Take a breather I have had to do that multiple times when I have had colicky babies that have cried 7 of the 9 hours a day.

Bless you hang in there we all have been there.

[Heidi]

I don't know if doing home day care is the right thing for me. I am doing it because I want to spend time with my kids but we need an additional income, too, and really, what it costs for daycare for 2 kids as opposed to what I make...well, it just wouldn't make sense for me to go back to work.

But I am finding every day here lately, a little more and a little more, that these kids are driving me crazy.

Not just a little crazy. Like, about once or twice a day, I scream at them for something crazy. I've lost control.

Yesterday I reduced 2 year-old DCG to tears. She followed me to DS's bedroom when I laid him down for a nap, stomping her feet behind me as she walked and singing, "LA LA LA LA!" very loudly, so carefree. Woke him up, he started crying. He's a horrible sleeper in the best of times. I scolded her and told her to please go back into the living room to wait for me. Another DCG napping in another bedroom heard the commotion and woke up and started crying also, so I rushed in to try to comfort her back to sleep. Who should come after me doing the exact same thing, stomping and singing, but DCG. I grabbed her by the shoulders spun her around, and guided her back to the living room. I then yelled, "GET UP ON THAT COUCH AND SIT STILL FOR 2 MINUTES FOR GOODNESS SAKE!"

That is bad enough, but what really scares me is that I feel myself letting go. Like I feel like i'm busting apart at the seams and that I am actually afraid I might hurt these kids. Like it''s taking every inch of my being to keep as controlled as I can. I've been finding myself more strict with even my own kids and very no-nonsense. I have never, never hit any of these kids, and I never berate them, but I just feel like I'm screaming things like, "NO, STOP!" and "I already told you to get out of her room!" "Stop this, stop that!". Maybe I was just not meant to look after children. :-( I used to have LOADS of patience and now...I'm lucky to make it through one day without having to raise my voice to a scream just to get their attention.

Please help me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. My husband is a huge help around the house so I know it's nothing that he can really help with, I just need to be able to talk to someone. :-(

Hubby stayed home from work a day last week and heard me...at the end of the day when all the kids were gone, he told me it sounds like I have no control over the kids. They're *good* kids, I mean it's not like they're marking on the walls or flushing stuff down the toilets or anything, but it's things like, "Stop going up on my bed, the cat is sleeping there, leave her alone, she will scratch you" types of things that they just aren't listening to because they always hear me sqawking at them, my words just don't matter to them any more.

I think part of it is that I am going shack-whacky. Before this, I had a car, I could pop my kids in the car whenever I wanted and go to play groups and get groceries if we needed it...not an extravagant day out, but we got out! Now, I don't even have a working vehicle, and even if I did, it's only a hatchback and we can't even squeeze a 3rd carseat in the back. Considering my two kids are a given, there are my two car seat spaces gone. So we couldn't go anywhere anyway. When hubby comes home it's a race to get supper, the kids cleaned, the kitchen cleaned, and the kids in bed, and by that point our local grocery store is closed and I'd have to drive 30 minutes into town to pick up milk. So I just get milk at the gas station and just come home.

Today I was getting lunch ready. It was 12:05. We eat anywhere between 12 and 12:30. They just had a snack at 10:30. I had just rounded them up in the living room and went to take something hot out of the oven and they all swarmed me. 4 of them circled around me, dealing with a hot oven, two yelling, "is it ready yet?!" one crying because I won't pick him up, and another crying because she misplaced her pacifier. OMG, overload. "LIVING ROOM. NOW!!" Like, it's just gotten to the point of barking 1 to 3 word commands.

One of the parents picked up her child the other day and made the comment, "I could never do what you do. I have 3 kids and it is all I can do to get through one day and into the next. You are so patient and kind to these kids", and I almost started bawling with guilt and shame. What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost.

I hope you're calling nan now. Have a paper and pen handy, because I think she may give you a list!

Please keep us posted!

[Unregistered]

I also want to thank the OP for posting this, as lately I've been feeling almost exactly the same! I feel like I've completely lost control over these kids and they just don't listen and I HAVE to raise my voice so that they actually listen. I can feel my bp rising through-out the day and end most days with a headache. It's not that they are naughty so much, just that I feel like a broken record just about every day. I don't discipline the dck's with spankings or violence..but I've noticed that my fuse is so much shorter lately and my own ds has gotten more spankings that he probably should have had (which that in itself makes me want to cry just saying it). It's a relief to know that I'm not entirely alone in feeling like this and that there are others who can relate to this very overwhelming feeling. I hadn't thought about depression until a pp mentioned it, but I think I will definitely look into it as I was diagnosed with it after the passing of my mother, and also postpartum (of course that was 3 years ago now). I just want to be able to have a good day with the kids, where I don't have to raise my voice at all. I think part of the problem is that I just feel stuck and helpless and...out of control I guess.

[makap]

Logged out. You can call me. I'm free for the next two hours. If you want to block your number we can do a visit without you telling me who you are. If you don't have free long distance just pm me thru here with your number and I'll call you.

My cell number is 515-974-9536
My home number is: 515-266-6399

Tori Fees

You are a very kind goodhearted woman. God Bless you. :-)

[WImom]

Yes, call Nan. I've never talked to her personally but used alot of her advice when she did post on the boards.

If you have mixed ages maybe going down to less kids or one age range. Myself, I only do 2-5 and I don't know how you all do infants to school age. I could never do it.

The kids here seem to be restless lately and leaving their listening ears at home. I'm so looking forward to school starting again and my own kids going back to school so we can get on a routine again.

[jojosmommy]

I think its awesome that you came and expressed yourself openly and that all these ladies have been so supportive.

I have at times felt like I was getting snippier, if that makes sense. I have a family leaving in one month and having a change inour dynamics has helped me see the light! Like a breath of fresh air! Maybe you just need a change in the group to feel "new" again.

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

wooah! Just spent a little time on your FB page, and you put me to shame, lady!

Thanks, I have just been doing this for about 15 yrs. I learned a long time ago that the days I have planned I do a lot better.

I have not posted pictures of my playroom, what toys I have out the "gated" community my dck live in but, if anyone has any requests I can do that. Just let me know.

[youretooloud]

Thank you so much for posting this and being honest. I feel exactly the same way, except, to be honest, I've fallen a little more out of control.

I feel like this too. I have a few kids this summer that I actually DISLIKE intensely. It's only for summer which is the only reason I kept them. But, it's not like they are out of control brats. They aren't really bad at all. It's honestly me. It's all I can do not to say "I can't wait til you go to school" or "I don't know how your parents deal with you". I literally have mean, mean thoughts in my head for them.

Last week, they were being way too wild, and the instigator fell on her backside. Hard. Instead of asking if she was O.K, I was actually happy she finally got hurt. I didn't say that...but, I also didn't say "are you ok?".

I would have never felt like this with my own kids.

[Logged Out for Privacy]

Thank you so much everyone for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. It really does.

I have not called Nan yet. I wanted to give it a little bit after I posted before I made the decision to do that...(thanks for the offer to speak, Nan, really do appreciate it!). I was emotional at the time I posted and even though I do know and recognize that I have a problem, I think that, by airing my fears and the path I'm currently down, I have sort of keyed in to what might be the issue.

The kids are bored. Plain and simple. I have spent so much time trying to keep up with disorganization, clutter, and general messiness that the children are leaving behind that transition times are lasting longer than I'd really want. It's during those transition times that I am stressed to the 9's because they are looking for things to do and I'm not there for them.

Right now, I have 5 kids. Two of them are my own. Ages are all between 1 year and 3 years. Three of them are under 2, two of them are between 2 and 3.

It's not the number of children I find overwhelming. Nor the age ranges. It's the lack of imagination on my part to keep these kids entertained. They're happy, they're safe. BUt I am so big on routine that if something doesn't go as I had planned, it's, in my mind, a complete catastrophe (hence my freak-out over my son and DCG waking up much much too early from their naps)

So, two issues in my mind that I need to address: I need to accept that routine will not always happen (this is really hard for me), and I need to find some way for 5 kids, between 1 and 3, to find something that they can do safely together during transitional times. I I really can't sacrifice any time for sanitizing but I can reduce pick-up time by teaching the older kids to start picking up after themselves. My house is very small...just a 2 bedroom bungalow (which we will be renovating and expanding on in the spring) so right now we don't have space for a designated play area. So i have to keep clutter to a minimum. the biggest problem is that the kids don't do their share of cleaning and I'm getting overwhelmed with that.

*sigh* anyway, after I originally posted I found I do feel better, and the kids and I have had a better day. :-)

[PitterPatter]

I don't know if doing home day care is the right thing for me. I am doing it because I want to spend time with my kids but we need an additional income, too, and really, what it costs for daycare for 2 kids as opposed to what I make...well, it just wouldn't make sense for me to go back to work.

But I am finding every day here lately, a little more and a little more, that these kids are driving me crazy.

Not just a little crazy. Like, about once or twice a day, I scream at them for something crazy. I've lost control.

Yesterday I reduced 2 year-old DCG to tears. She followed me to DS's bedroom when I laid him down for a nap, stomping her feet behind me as she walked and singing, "LA LA LA LA!" very loudly, so carefree. Woke him up, he started crying. He's a horrible sleeper in the best of times. I scolded her and told her to please go back into the living room to wait for me. Another DCG napping in another bedroom heard the commotion and woke up and started crying also, so I rushed in to try to comfort her back to sleep. Who should come after me doing the exact same thing, stomping and singing, but DCG. I grabbed her by the shoulders spun her around, and guided her back to the living room. I then yelled, "GET UP ON THAT COUCH AND SIT STILL FOR 2 MINUTES FOR GOODNESS SAKE!"

That is bad enough, but what really scares me is that I feel myself letting go. Like I feel like i'm busting apart at the seams and that I am actually afraid I might hurt these kids. Like it''s taking every inch of my being to keep as controlled as I can. I've been finding myself more strict with even my own kids and very no-nonsense. I have never, never hit any of these kids, and I never berate them, but I just feel like I'm screaming things like, "NO, STOP!" and "I already told you to get out of her room!" "Stop this, stop that!". Maybe I was just not meant to look after children. :-( I used to have LOADS of patience and now...I'm lucky to make it through one day without having to raise my voice to a scream just to get their attention.

Please help me. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. My husband is a huge help around the house so I know it's nothing that he can really help with, I just need to be able to talk to someone. :-(

Hubby stayed home from work a day last week and heard me...at the end of the day when all the kids were gone, he told me it sounds like I have no control over the kids. They're *good* kids, I mean it's not like they're marking on the walls or flushing stuff down the toilets or anything, but it's things like, "Stop going up on my bed, the cat is sleeping there, leave her alone, she will scratch you" types of things that they just aren't listening to because they always hear me sqawking at them, my words just don't matter to them any more.

I think part of it is that I am going shack-whacky. Before this, I had a car, I could pop my kids in the car whenever I wanted and go to play groups and get groceries if we needed it...not an extravagant day out, but we got out! Now, I don't even have a working vehicle, and even if I did, it's only a hatchback and we can't even squeeze a 3rd carseat in the back. Considering my two kids are a given, there are my two car seat spaces gone. So we couldn't go anywhere anyway. When hubby comes home it's a race to get supper, the kids cleaned, the kitchen cleaned, and the kids in bed, and by that point our local grocery store is closed and I'd have to drive 30 minutes into town to pick up milk. So I just get milk at the gas station and just come home.

Today I was getting lunch ready. It was 12:05. We eat anywhere between 12 and 12:30. They just had a snack at 10:30. I had just rounded them up in the living room and went to take something hot out of the oven and they all swarmed me. 4 of them circled around me, dealing with a hot oven, two yelling, "is it ready yet?!" one crying because I won't pick him up, and another crying because she misplaced her pacifier. OMG, overload. "LIVING ROOM. NOW!!" Like, it's just gotten to the point of barking 1 to 3 word commands.

One of the parents picked up her child the other day and made the comment, "I could never do what you do. I have 3 kids and it is all I can do to get through one day and into the next. You are so patient and kind to these kids", and I almost started bawling with guilt and shame. What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost.

It takes a lot of strength to come fwd with raw emotions and knowing when it is time to reach for help rather than keep going until you snap so 1st off great job there. That was the best thing you can do to start helping yourself.

Is there 1 or 2 particular kids that push you? I had a child that literally beat me up everyday and I ended up terming him. After I did things were better. Maybe if you weed out the more high maintence ones?

I don't really have much else for advise but wanted to show support for you because I have been there and not too long ago. Talking to someone helps. Try a friend or some of the awsome ladies here. I ended up actually getting a therapist to help me through because here it is just me at the end of the day. No hubby support just me and my kid. I pray God will give you the patience and wisdom to find a way around the daily stress. HUGS

(we need a hug icon next)

[countrymom]

wooah! Just spent a little time on your FB page, and you put me to shame, lady!

omg, I have to agree, your page is amazing. I liked you on facebook. I love seeing what you have for lunch. This is where I struggle (I am the art queen so that part is easy) I would like to see your set up too, I'm in the middle of renovating so I'm getting ideas.

[Unregistered]

I started feeling the exact same way and it really scared me. I guess Nan should start a provider hotline business.

At the end of the school year I took a good long look at what was causing me to feel so overwhelmed and burned out and decided to make some changes. My triggers seem to be the toddler in care and the last hour of the day when I'm just plain exhausted.

I decided to let the toddler go. Her last day is next week and I am counting down. Until her last day I have been keeping her in a baby zone and it has helped tremendously.

I started keeping to a daily routine again and started rotating toys again and the kids are less bored and acting out less. This was something I have been slacking on and it makes a huge difference. Bored kids=behavior issues=me with a short temper.

I changed my hours to close earlier. That last half hour dragged for me and I want more time in the evenings to start dinner and spend with my family.

I've also been taking some time to myself at nap. Just time for me to read a book, fool around on the computer, whatever. Dishes will get done eventually. Taking a break for me is more important.

I'm hoping these changes will make a difference and that you are able to figure out what you need to do to be happier even if it means stopping being a provider and working outside the house.