OT Would You Consider It?

[Breezy]

NEED advice from all you wonderful mommies and wives!

Back Story:

DH is in the military. We are stationed away from family in Arizona. We are from Minnesota (Twin Cities). I did DC before I had a child (was a nanny before moving to AZ and then DC after moving here). I am 22 years old (23 in January), DH is 29, and DS is almost a year and a half. I do not want to do daycare for the rest of my life- my DREAM job is to be a Labor and Delivery nurse. I have read (on the nursing forum I frequent) that it is an extremely hard specialty to get into- very competitive especially for new grads. We are moving in about 2 months to Grand Forks, ND which is about 4-4.5 hours away from the Twin Cities! So excited to be close to family!

So yesterday:

My sister and I were talking on the phone about a ton of stuff and she mentioned to me that she has been offered a promotion at her work to Head of the Dietary Staff. She works for a Senior living complex in a pretty wealthy part of town (the town she and I went to High School). They are opening up two more locations one in November and one in January. They offered her this position knowing full well she was leaving for school in 3 weeks and would only be able to work 2-3 days per week. She also gets to pick either new location to work at. They LOVE her there! (This is my younger sister, will be 19 next month).

She went on to say that if I ever move close enough she is pretty sure she could recommend me for a position as a CNA (certified nursing assistant) at any of the locations and they will hire me. I guess she has mentioned me before and my aspirations of being a nurse one day and so this is a conversation she has had with management before in passing and not something she just pulled out of thin air.

They actually hire on people and train them as CNAs and pay for their certification and give on the job training for experience. Usually you have to sign a contract to work for 6-12 months with them to make it worth it to pay for your certification (or so I have read- not sure about it specifically for this job)

I laughed and thanked her for the offer and said I was flattered but that I would be too far away for a long time to ever do anything like that.....




But, the more I have got to thinking..... 4 hours away from home... just 4 hours. People (especially in this economy) work away from home all the time.
If I could get the hours I wanted- like 2 weeks on 1 week off and go home to DH when I am not working (DS would come with me because of DHs schedule) it just might work! Some months I would maybe even work the full month and then DH could take time off and come to us and see his family too.

It wouldn't work forever, but it wouldn't have to. I could gain this experience and be certified and then work where ever I wanted to AND sign up for nursing school and already have my foot in the door in the health care field. DH reenlisted for 2 more years to accept the orders to this new base, at the end of those 2 years I could have a career and DH could go National Guard and we can move to Minnesota full time like we want!!

I mentioned it to DH last night and he said why don't I just go to college NOW and then be certified... Well, because noone is really hiring new grads out of college... and this just seems like a wonderful opportunity.

It may be hard on DS but he will be almost 2 years old and around family and not strangers and what is 6-12 months out of the rest of his life! This could be so good for my marriage and our financial situation.

The money may not be great to start, but it will be a step in the direction I want to go. I have put everything on hold for the last 3 years for DHs career I think it is my turn now!!

But, then again maybe I have my blinders on.. Thats where you ladies come into play!!

So, would you do it?

[littlemissmuffet]

I say if the oppurtunity is there... take it! It sounds like a well-thought out plan and you're right - it is your turn. I wouldn't worry about how this decision will affect your son short-term... because the long-term benefits could be huge.

Have you discussed this all with hubby? What are his thoughts?

[Breezy]

I say if the oppurtunity is there... take it! It sounds like a well-thought out plan and you're right - it is your turn. I wouldn't worry about how this decision will affect your son short-term... because the long-term benefits could be huge.

Have you discussed this all with hubby? What are his thoughts?

Well let me start out by admitting to the fact that I am the logged out poster of the thread about my husband not changing DS in the middle of the night from yeterday. I am admitting to it because then you will get a short glimpse into our relationship right now.

DH is very insecure and sees this as me trying to rip our family apart and that I will get there and be able to suppprt myself and I will just leave him. He just sees it as one step closer to me leaving (he has abandonment issues).

I think if we actually have the conversation when he is not tired from work and I show him that I understand his fears and why he doesnt want me to do It and tell him why I want to do it then maybe he will be understanding.

[daycarediva]

I would not take the job. I would not remove my child from my husbands (and my) home. I think it would be very confusing and disruptive for him, and detrimental to your marriage. I worked as a CNA, and the wages are very low, although often times if you work at a hospital they do pay for nursing school. I would apply where you will be locally, and specify that your intention is to continue on to nursing school. Apply around, because CNA's and HHA's are in such short supply most places are offering bonuses and lucrative sign on offers, with the promise of full time nursing positions. I know several people who have been CNA's, had nursing school mostly paid for, and then went right to work at their current job, in a different position after graduation.

That being said, this is a very personal decision, and you have to make the best decision for your family. Good luck!

(and kudos to you for pursuing your dream!)

[Breezy]

I would not take the job. I would not remove my child from my husbands (and my) home. I think it would be very confusing and disruptive for him, and detrimental to your marriage. I worked as a CNA, and the wages are very low, although often times if you work at a hospital they do pay for nursing school. I would apply where you will be locally, and specify that your intention is to continue on to nursing school. Apply around, because CNA's and HHA's are in such short supply most places are offering bonuses and lucrative sign on offers, with the promise of full time nursing positions. I know several people who have been CNA's, had nursing school mostly paid for, and then went right to work at their current job, in a different position after graduation.

That being said, this is a very personal decision, and you have to make the best decision for your family. Good luck!

(and kudos to you for pursuing your dream!)

Thank you! That I did not know! I will look into all of that before making a decision. That would be an ideal situation.

[MsMe]

I worked at a hospital when I was in highschool (food service) and I knew many CNA's they were all paid to train to get their CNA and our hostipal had many programs to help them with school and to place them after.

I would for sure look into local hospitals before I even concidered moving and spending so much time apart. I think it is VERY easy and very cheap (if not paid) to get started as a CNA.

[Blackcat31]

My DD is in nursing school right now. She is a registered TMA right now, which is a Technical Medical Assistant. It is similar to a CNA, except she is licensed to dispense medication.

She is going to college to pursue a Bachelor's degree in nursing and wants to specialize in geriatric care. She currently works in an assisted living facility.

One thing I do know is the hours for CNA's are horrible. You are often let off early or called in early due to the needs of the day/staff/residents. The pay is horrible and the work is long and hard but she deals with it because her ultimate goal is to be a nurse so the grunt work she is doing now as a CNA/TMA is ok with her.

It is easy to find CNA jobs here in MN but the turnover rate is horrendous as the working environments are equally as bad. She said many places do offer sign on bonuses but do everything they can to not have to pay it to you or have teeny tiny details hidden in the job description that make it so you don't end up getting the bonus.

I also know that once you earn your CNA certification it is good for that state and you must apply or do something to transfer it to another state.

I think your plan might be something doable but I also think your DH might be on the right track with suggesting you go to college now and do the work later. Take you general course requirements on-line if necessary just to get them out of the way. My DD did this because you have to apply to nursing program's at each college and there is no guarantee you will even get in at all. My DD had to wait a full year before being accepted into her colleges nursing program so that is why she decided to get her genral coursework out of the way first.

I think the benefits you are looking at might not be as equal as the cons, but that is just my opinion and what I know from my DD's struggle to get into this field. I think you need to make a list of pros and cons to really have a clear look into whether or not it will work for you.

[Heidi]

Well let me start out by admitting to the fact that I am the logged out poster of the thread about my husband not changing DS in the middle of the night from yeterday. I am admitting to it because then you will get a short glimpse into our relationship right now.

DH is very insecure and sees this as me trying to rip our family apart and that I will get there and be able to suppprt myself and I will just leave him. He just sees it as one step closer to me leaving (he has abandonment issues).

I think if we actually have the conversation when he is not tired from work and I show him that I understand his fears and why he doesnt want me to do It and tell him why I want to do it then maybe he will be understanding.

...sorry Breezy, but I knew it was you! I didn't want to blow your cover though!

I think you need to do what you think is best. From every thing you've said, your DH is a good man, but does have some issues. You are not responsible for those issues, and should never be the victim of those issues. Punching holes in the wall when angry, and trying to control you with guilt and passive/aggressive behavior are all not healthy.

You've described gaining weight the last few years, you've desribed being alone, frustrated, isolated, and overwhelmed. None of THAT is healthy, and they are all tied together, IMO.

It's time for you to stand on your own feet, and you can do that and still love this man. You can do that and still have your marraige. But, if you are healthy and happy, the marraige will most likely be better for it. If it takes you being miserable to make it work, then it's not a marraige!

[MNMum]

Let me start by saying, I am a nurse, in MN. I work at the Children's hospitals. It is difficult to get a hosptial RN job right now as a new grad, regardless of CNA experience. Nursing home RN jobs are plentiful, as are HHA, home healthcare RN, CNA jobs in nursing homes etc. In coming years many nurses will be retiring, therefore they will need to be replaced.

I am also a military wife. My husband has been in the MN National Gaurd for 13 years, and will be in until 20 years. The last thing your relationship needs is more separation. If you value your marriage, don't do this. There are enough strains on military families with the military person being pulled away. Find a way to get what you want in the town you live in. Online courses, etc.

Take advantage of some of the things the military offers for your family. Is there a Strong Bonds retreat the 2 of you could attend? It helps to be "forced" to talk about these relationship issues!

[Heidi]

My DD is in nursing school right now. She is a registered TMA right now, which is a Technical Medical Assistant. It is similar to a CNA, except she is licensed to dispense medication.

She is going to college to pursue a Bachelor's degree in nursing and wants to specialize in geriatric care. She currently works in an assisted living facility.

One thing I do know is the hours for CNA's are horrible. You are often let off early or called in early due to the needs of the day/staff/residents. The pay is horrible and the work is long and hard but she deals with it because her ultimate goal is to be a nurse so the grunt work she is doing now as a CNA/TMA is ok with her.

It is easy to find CNA jobs here in MN but the turnover rate is horrendous as the working environments are equally as bad. She said many places do offer sign on bonuses but do everything they can to not have to pay it to you or have teeny tiny details hidden in the job description that make it so you don't end up getting the bonus.

I also know that once you earn your CNA certification it is good for that state and you must apply or do something to transfer it to another state.

I think your plan might be something doable but I also think your DH might be on the right track with suggesting you go to college now and do the work later. Take you general course requirements on-line if necessary just to get them out of the way. My DD did this because you have to apply to nursing program's at each college and there is no guarantee you will even get in at all. My DD had to wait a full year before being accepted into her colleges nursing program so that is why she decided to get her genral coursework out of the way first.

I think the benefits you are looking at might not be as equal as the cons, but that is just my opinion and what I know from my DD's struggle to get into this field. I think you need to make a list of pros and cons to really have a clear look into whether or not it will work for you.

In Wisconsin, you are required to complete CNA training (but do not have to pass the proctered register test) to be accepted in the nursing program. Because part of the nursing program is hands on internship, they want you to have that training before you spend any time with patients.

[countrymom]

I'm going to be honest and blunt here, but I've read alot of your posts. and to me, you and dh don't have a stable relationship. You seem to miss your family alot, and I'm wondering if you were to go back to them would acually be the best situation right now. Your dh sounds like a dominent figure in your life, and thats not how it should be. You have said so many times that if you don't have kids (even the crying one) then you wouldn't have food on your table---and thats what your dh keeps telling you. Yesterday you posted (and I knew it was you just the way you write) that he likes to play video games and really not help around (you have mentioned this before too) I also think daycare is a wrong fit for you, and thats fine too. So....

I really think its time for you to go home. Go and do the schooling (I was a nurse at 19 and married at 22 and at 23 had my 1st kid) I don't regret it, my priorities changed as I had more kids. It seems like you never had a chance to grow up and experience what is out there.

don't worry about your dh, he's a big boy. He will say and use every excuse to make you stay with him. If he has abandoment issues, then THATS HIS PROBLEM. Don't let his problem be your problem. Hopefully others will chime in who have been in relationships where the partner is so controlling, its not good. Do you want your ds to grow up like your husband, treat you like dirt and controlling because thats exactly what will happen.

I also worked as a cda (healthcare aid in ontario) and sure its hard work, but I loved working in a nursing home, and you need to start somewhere. I started working at awful places, and worked my way up (and finished nursing) and I made awesome money.

good luck, and I hope you go and finish for cda, if not for yourself, for your ds.

[cheerfuldom]

normally i would say absolutely not, the upheaval for a child that age could be really really bad but in light of the revelation of the difficulties you have been facing with your hubby and daycare, this could be the opportunity you need to move forward with your life. you should not be doing daycare when it clearly is such a huge stress on you and your hubby, with no end in sight. At this point, considering other options would be the mature thing to do.

[Breezy]

How is it you ladies can say EVERYTHING that I am thinking in my own head!

I have been looking at CNA and Patient care Tech programs in Grand Forks too all morning as the first option. I figured if my sisters work offers that other nursing homes would too, and I was right. I also have been applying for other work from home type jobs- not ideal as I would like to get out of the house but I do want to be home with DS all day!

DH keeps telling me that things will be so much different when we live in Grand Forks and can be closer to our family. He begs and pleads to just let him show me. He says I will be a different person because I will be happier and he will be too because I am happy. Not sure it works like that, buddy. Things don't just disappear when we cross the state lines.

I WANT WANT WANT to go somewhere to have some TALK therapy. In fact, I think I will look for a doctor as soon as I am done typing this. I have so much stuff that I NEED to talk out to someone that can help me. I tell you girls the most personal and darkest parts of my life but I need someone else too, ykwim?

I need to talk about how I feel like my adolescence was stolen from me because my mom was addicted to narcotics and I got them for her. She would pick me up early from school and bring me to a dealers house so I could get them. Or text all day to see if I had a lead. I fell behind in school and didn't end up graduating.. I feel like I was young and didn't know any better and I feel so cheated. I see my little sister going to a private college with a 4.0 GPA and feel that should have been me!! I should be ME going to school too and having the world at my feet! I was an amazing student A honor roll student before my mom brought me into her world of addiction..

And then there is back in 2008 when I was raped by a guy my roommate brought home.. I will spare you the gory details but I never reported it because noone believed me after it happened. Why didn't you scream they said? Well because he had his hand over my mouth and around my neck, I was terrified and frozen- that's why. I figured if noone else believed me then WHY would I report it.. SO 4 years later almost to the month and I think I have PTSD-- Every year around this time I get depressed, feel like the world is spinning out of control. I have blocked it out so much but when I think about it it feels like I am going to just pass out..

SO, I too have my own issues to work out.. And I think we need help. We love eachother but we are so broken we don't know how to do it...... IDK, does that make sense????

WOW, I just told a whole forum of people I don't even know my two deepest darkest secrets. Feels kind of good.... but super scary.... I just NEEDED to get it out of my head.

[Nickel]

I know a lot of people are commenting on how this will negatively affect your son. I have to chime in here. We are a military family. I was active duty when my daughter was born and my husband is active duty now. We move ALL the time. Dad is gone a lot. Children are extremely resiliant. Your son will not be scarred if he is seperated from dh.

There are a lot of stresses on a military family. That is a given, but I don't recommend going home to family. The reason is because many time spouses go home to family and some where along the way your family convinces you it would be better for you to be home and not with him. If your marriage is not going well, I doubt it will last through this separation. But from other posts it looks like that may not be a bad thing.

As for the CNA portion, my sister in law did the same as you. Went to school to be a CNA with aspirations of becoming a nurse. 14 years later she is still at the same nursing home doing the same thing. And she hates it. She says she is a certified Butt wiper. You do the ick work no one else wants to do. Change diapers, give baths, transport, etc. And the hours are just like a nurses shift and they are so short staffed that they also have mandatory overtime. Now it may not be that way in your area.

I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm just asking you to look at both sides of the coin before you make the decision....

Good luck to you and your family. I do wish you all the best.

[DCBlessings27]

I'm going to be honest and blunt here, but I've read alot of your posts. and to me, you and dh don't have a stable relationship. You seem to miss your family alot, and I'm wondering if you were to go back to them would acually be the best situation right now. Your dh sounds like a dominent figure in your life, and thats not how it should be. You have said so many times that if you don't have kids (even the crying one) then you wouldn't have food on your table---and thats what your dh keeps telling you. Yesterday you posted (and I knew it was you just the way you write) that he likes to play video games and really not help around (you have mentioned this before too) I also think daycare is a wrong fit for you, and thats fine too. So....

I really think its time for you to go home. Go and do the schooling (I was a nurse at 19 and married at 22 and at 23 had my 1st kid) I don't regret it, my priorities changed as I had more kids. It seems like you never had a chance to grow up and experience what is out there.

don't worry about your dh, he's a big boy. He will say and use every excuse to make you stay with him. If he has abandoment issues, then THATS HIS PROBLEM. Don't let his problem be your problem. Hopefully others will chime in who have been in relationships where the partner is so controlling, its not good. Do you want your ds to grow up like your husband, treat you like dirt and controlling because thats exactly what will happen.

I also worked as a cda (healthcare aid in ontario) and sure its hard work, but I loved working in a nursing home, and you need to start somewhere. I started working at awful places, and worked my way up (and finished nursing) and I made awesome money.

good luck, and I hope you go and finish for cda, if not for yourself, for your ds.

I'm going to second this advice. If this works out, then some time apart might be the best for your dh and you, Breezy. Having your ds around his family (grandparents, uncle (the brother you've mentioned) and others could help make the transition easier. The time apart might allow you to "find" yourself. The issue for your weight gain might not be diet pop. (j/k ) If you aren't happy in your relationship/life, you might be gaining weight due to unhappiness. Plus, time apart might be good for your dh. He might learn to appreciate you and what all you do for him/ds. It might bring you closer together instead of further apart. JMO



As countrymom said, some have been in relationships where the partner was controlling. That was me when I was a little younger than you. He made me feel guilty for not making enough money so that he had to pay for things for me (I was student teaching at the time and couldn't work nor was I paid). I was also called every name in the book, screamed at, fought every day, etc. He too punched walls when he was upset. I'd definitely say that I was suffering from mental abuse from him. I was fortunate that he never hit me; he did grab me once. [Sidenote: His dad was the same way toward his mother around him and his brother. IMO, his behavior was a learned one.] ALL of my relationships with friends and family were strained while I was in this relationship. The best thing (though the hardest ever at the time) was when my parents took drastic measures to get me out of the relationship. I am thankful though to be away from the bad relationship. I've now been married to a wonderful man for 5 years.

My dh respects me and allows me time (while he watches dd) out of the house. I have my own interests and friends and positive relationships with my family. He helps with errands, cleaning, etc even when he works 60 hour weeks at times.