Did Daycare kill your love life?

[love111]

So my fiance and I have agreed to downsize the daycare. One of the reasons being that he hates me being so stressed and NEVER in the mood. He met me when I was starting the daycare so he doesn't know any different. But it is really starting to bug him 3 years later he is 29 I am 31. And he is hot! 6'4" athletic, built, well dressed and get's tons of stares out in public, it's not like he has let himself go.

I know this is kind of personal but I used to always be in the mood, when I worked in corporate america even when stressed.

But I am hardly ever now even when I have had an easy day and only have a kid or two.

I don't have kids of my own so I don't really know if just one is doable and if I just had one or two instead of 4-5 I would feel better or... If just kids in general activate some hormone or something in your body that just takes completely away your mojo.

He seems to think if I reduce the load that I won't be so stressed and I will be more apt to put energy into US. But I am concerned it is just kids period! Is it something about a babies cry that just shuts you down and puts you into mommy mode? Even when you have a 3 day weekend I can't get into the groove. I wonder if I would need several months of NO kids to finally get back to my old self.

Already checked my hormones they have always fluctuated so I know it isn't that. I am thinking it is knowing their are kids toys stuffed in every closet, or knowing you will have to go back into mode of spit up, poopy diapers, crying etc. Even though I am used to it, I wonder if my body is saying no you aren't!

Any advice is appreciated. I am just wondering as much as I most of the time like what I do, if it honestly is killing intimacy with my soon to be husband and this is not a long term healthy arrangement for us.

[youretooloud]

I have no idea. I know that in your 30s, you are typically at your peak. You should be climbing anything you see.

It might not be the kids. It still could be hormones, or some other health issue, or maybe you are working too many hours? Maybe you are letting yourself get and feel frumpy?

[love111]

Well I can't exactly wear heels and pencil skirts to work anymore. I can't keep my hair down, wear lipstick. So I am always in yoga pants because I have to be comfy to get and crawl around on the floor with the babies. Jeans are too tight and dig in your gut

I have never been a party animal so we don't really have anywhere to go or want to that would require me to dress up. Except to the symphony once a year.

Now that I am in flip flops all day my feet have spread and I can't even fit into my old heels, will have to go buy new Wide feet heels Crazy.

[Heidi]

Frankly, having kids of your own WILL affect your love life...so yeah, be prepared for that. But, life is sometimes about trade offs. I personally wouldn't trade any of my 4 children for more frequent or better rolls-in-the-hay!

That said, my youngest is now 11, and the mojo definately did eventually return. But, something about someone hanging on you all day...whether your own children or someone else's, definately does affect things. I think sometimes we are just so full of being touched. Of course, you've been together for 3 years, and that in itself affects the dynamic. In the beginning of a relationship, it's like sneak-away-4 -times a day. Once you've been around each other a while, it's usually more about quality than quantity, and you've got to work a little harder to get "in the mood".

It's kind of like having ice cream every day. If you eat chocolate ice cream everyY day, after a while, you just don't feel like chocolate ice cream quite so much. So, unless you want to switch to strawberry ice cream, you need to dress that chocolate ice cream up (whipped cream, sprinkles?) to keep it interesting.

Clearly, I should not leave my day job and become a writer of metaphors. That was kind of bad....

[laundrymom]

Not for me, and I'm 40, 4 kids, and dh hasn't let himself go but he isn't physically the same as when we met. But neither am I. Lol I have 10 kids 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. We have , I think, a very intense private life. I crave nothing more than 'time' with him. It's a stress reliever for me. My 3oldest kids make fun of us. Lol

I think you should try to use time w him as a release of that stress. Also, avocados. Berries, as many raw fruit and veg as you can stand. Weird but works for me.

As a side note,

Why let day care kids, families, stress, into your bedroom, or wherever you prefer . That is the YOU AND YOUR MAN space. Claim it! A LOT!!! At least 5 times a week.

[love111]

Heidi I like your writing. Well I have never been in the mood with him, poor guy we never had that honeymoon period. I started daycare a week after I met him, so he loves me with all the spit up, crazy hair, worn out look. It is amazing

Yeah I would expect it from a long term relationship but it's always been this way.

This has been eating at me for 3 years and I feel bad for him he is young and I shouldn't feel this ragged out. I shortened my hours but I love the kids, just think they are killing me Maybe I won't have my own after all if it's this bad with just daycare kids.

[laundrymom]

Or have the icecream in the yard!!!!!never underestimate the mmmmmm fun of a trampoline! Attack HIM for a change and who says you can't dress up for HIM. not work or the symphony. Just do it for the man candy in your life!!!

[love111]

Laundrymom your funny I love hearing good news like that. I just want to sleep and happy to take a shower get the baby funk off of me and relax. It's become another job and I know that isn't fair.

I so welcome your all's input. That is why I love this site, sometimes someone says something that you didn't think of. No one can understand what goes on with taking care of daycare kids like other providers can. Stay at home moms have no clue, it's not the same when you have the stress of taking care of other peoples kids.

Keep the responses coming, thanks ladies.

[My3cents]

Well I can't exactly wear heels and pencil skirts to work anymore. I can't keep my hair down, wear lipstick. So I am always in yoga pants because I have to be comfy to get and crawl around on the floor with the babies. Jeans are too tight and dig in your gut

I have never been a party animal so we don't really have anywhere to go or want to that would require me to dress up. Except to the symphony once a year.

Now that I am in flip flops all day my feet have spread and I can't even fit into my old heels, will have to go buy new Wide feet heels Crazy.

Sounds like your forgetting to take care of you. You have slacked off because the only one that is going to care are the kids and they don't care mode, they are just going to ruin my nice clothes and get me all icky.

Yeap they are, but you can still look nice and be comfortable too.

or

Maybe your just finding out your not the women that your man wants you to be. You do want to let your hair down and be yourself

or maybe your still looking for yourself.

If you like doing what your doing, do it and do it well. Tell your husband this is what I do. Make plans for the weekends or during the week to go out together and have fun, doing whatever your "fun" is. Sometimes we just get complacent with each other and forget to take care of each other and ourselves. Don't blame intimacy on the daycare learn to shut off your job just as you would if you worked out of the house.

and, not everyone has rabbit mentality, men usually do but women are wired different.

Best-

[laundrymom]

I wish I could climb through this keyboard and grab your shoulders. Shaking you saying. Hey ding dong!!!! You have no kids at home!!! Have HIM wash you!!!! Nekkid house after hours! Period!!!

[laundrymom]

Laundry is part rabbit. My poor DH

and, not everyone has rabbit mentality, men usually do but women are wired different.

Best-

[cheerfuldom]

maybe it is time to make some changes in other areas of your life if it is really that big of an issue. I would hate for you to miss out on a wonderful relationship (and possible future of motherhood) because of your job. I am sure that you care for the kids and it sounds like you are successful, but at the end of the day.....its just a job, right? or do you feel that it is your lifes work and you are willing to let other parts of your personal life go in pursuit of a true passion to work with children, no matter the costs? Its up to you to decide where your own boundary lines are with your personal life and your work life.

For us, yes, me working with kids all day does affect our personal life. But anytime I see the daycare taking over my life, I always downsize and make changes. The daycare is not more important than my hubby and my own children.....not even a close second. I would shut the whole thing down in a heartbeat if it meant keeping my family together or something like that. I would personally never pass up motherhood for any job in the world.

[My3cents]

Well I can't exactly wear heels and pencil skirts to work anymore. I can't keep my hair down, wear lipstick. So I am always in yoga pants because I have to be comfy to get and crawl around on the floor with the babies. Jeans are too tight and dig in your gut

I have never been a party animal so we don't really have anywhere to go or want to that would require me to dress up. Except to the symphony once a year.

Now that I am in flip flops all day my feet have spread and I can't even fit into my old heels, will have to go buy new Wide feet heels Crazy.

Dress up and go out to dinner once in a while. You kind of sound like you wish you had somewhere to go. Only you can make that happen. Dress up and go out to eat or to the movie or mall, or friends, or local events happening in your area. Everyday is special because it is not like your going to get it back, so dress up for whatever you want.

thinking this out more, I am going to guess that your husband to be doesn't like being invaded by your daycare kiddo's and his space. If you want, tell him your more then willing to cut down on kids, but he will have to fork over the extra $ that is generated from having these children everyday. If he game to that, take him up on it and volunteer when you want outside of your home in the school systems or your local hospital. You have choices-
Best-

[laundrymom]

I have to add that I've been a provider since '87. So it's all I know. That may make a difference. Also my first husband was an abuser, not a sweet guy. happyface Been married to my soul half for 15 years and still on our honeymoon. Maybe that's is why? I'm like the rescued dog, it was bad before and so good now I crave the man?

[love111]

Well laundry I used to be part rabbit. I look back and it was great to look hot walking into the office (no slutty) even though toward the end the job bored me and I hated it.

He would be happy for me to quit completely but I need a bit of money for my own. I think even though I shut off when the leave the issue is with no having enough time in between to truly recharge. Even though I like it I think the kids are draining every last bit of energy out of me. I get sick all the time even when they are healthy.

****s to finally find something you love and feel there is a purpose to what you are doing but it drains you and have negative repercussions.