Omg! I Lied....I Didn’t Know What Else To Do!!!!

[cheerfuldom]

guess what ladies? remember the baby I got recently because the last provider had given her ice cream (among other complaints from the parents)? I actually know this provider! I only met her one time at a park but I remember who she is. Then I saw an CL ad where a person said they were downsizing their daycare and I called to set up a time to check it out the items for sale. THEN I find out that this lady and I have already met and we are chatting and so forth and set up a time to see the items.

THEN....she tells me that she is selling all her baby items because she is no longer taking babies because the parents are too particular. and have I gotten a call from XYZ for childcare? they are the people that left recently.

I said no. but that was a lie because in fact XYZ is already started with me. I felt really bad for lying but I did not want to get into a discussion about what happened between her and this family and because it is a privacy issue to not mention the particulars of the families in care.

She was really upset because she has had so much turnover in the last few months and doesnt seem to know why. I know exactly why but I dont feel free to discuss that with her or discuss how I know this. The last time I talked to her, she had 6 kids (which was over the state limit for unlicensed care!) and since then she is down to 3 with a some turnover of kids in and out within that time frame. She was asking if I thought she should continue doing daycare, if she should keep trying with babies, if I would send any business her way......she is a very nice lady but doesnt have a clue what parents these days are looking for. I feel bad that she is so discouraged and clueless and seemingly, looking for support or guidance.

I tried to be nice but very very vague. Should I just cancel the time to go over and see her items tomorrow even though I do need some of them? I feel horrible for lying.....

[sharlan]

I am really anti-lying, even the littlest lies set me on edge. BUT, BUT, I think you were right in this instance. There is no way that I would want to get in the middle of this.

If she has something you need, go ahead and buy it from her.

[shelby]

I think you were right in not telling her. It is really non of her business if this parent came to you or not.

[countrymom]

I think she's also not telling you everything, you don't have a large turn over (esp. in home daycare) unless something is going on. You did nothing wrong, go and get the stuff, if you need it then buy it. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, do you think she would really care.

[pootmcgoot]

Not true country mom. Around here with the army, there's a ton of turn over. Fwiw ive had 4 sets of neighbors in 23 months. Also, with the disposable, transient mentality the army community fosters, parents are incredibly selfish and disrespectful of service providers. The basic mentality is "gimme gimme gimme...I'm a soldier, you owe me! I'm special!"

Anyhow, cheerful Dom, I'd of done the same. But I'd not flake out on buying stuff. After buying the stuff slowly fade away into nothingness so you don't spark crazy retaliation.

[SilverSabre25]

I think she's also not telling you everything, you don't have a large turn over (esp. in home daycare) unless something is going on. You did nothing wrong, go and get the stuff, if you need it then buy it. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, do you think she would really care.

I don't think that's true at all. If you get in with a revolving door of parents who want nothing but dirt cheap care and other people keep undercutting you then you're going to have turnover. That was my situation for a long time; it was very frustrating. There are other situations (like Pootmcgoot mentioned) where high turnover isn't going to be a sign of a problem.

Not that I'm saying this provider doesn't have some issues (she clearly does) but just wanting to defend the people who provide excellent care and still end up with periods of high turnover.

[dave4him]

I wouldn't have lied. I'd want to be told if someone knew vital info to how I could be doing better, it's a matter of integrity, we daycare providers shouldn't. Be competitors

[My3cents]

Originally Posted by countrymom View Post
I think she's also not telling you everything, you don't have a large turn over (esp. in home daycare) unless something is going on. You did nothing wrong, go and get the stuff, if you need it then buy it. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, do you think she would really care.

I don't think that's true at all. If you get in with a revolving door of parents who want nothing but dirt cheap care and other people keep undercutting you then you're going to have turnover. That was my situation for a long time; it was very frustrating. There are other situations (like Pootmcgoot mentioned) where high turnover isn't going to be a sign of a problem.

Not that I'm saying this provider doesn't have some issues (she clearly does) but just wanting to defend the people who provide excellent care and still end up with periods of high turnover.

I wouldn't have lied. I'd want to be told if someone knew vital info to how I could be doing better, it's a matter of integrity, we daycare providers shouldn't. Be competitors
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DarkOrchid- I don't agree with the if the mentality of if the shoe was on the other foot..... If everyone thinks like this just imagine what our world would be like. I just feel that is the wrong attitude to have and carry on. I am more towards how Silver put it-

Dave- I agree with you. Why lie about it? I think when you go back to get the stuff that you want, you should say you know the baby so and so, yes she did start with me. I was having a brain fart the other day. This provider may be a flake, but she might have insight that could help you with this new daycare kiddo-

I am far from perfect and I don't' want to come across that way but I just think you should have said yes, I started so and so, maybe uncomfortable but I would hate for her to find out another way. I would offer her ideas on a couple of things she could try doing to improve herself and her daycare. I agree Dave-no competition. Good daycares will stick around, the crummy ones just won't make it, undoing someone else benefits no one, especially the kiddo's. If I know a place/provider is not good and I know this myself, then no I will not forward any clients that way, but if I am full or where I want to be I help out other providers who I am also friends or family with, and they do the same for me. I think I would have just said nothing when she asked me to bring her business and changed the subject to the stuff she was selling. Best-

[Hunni Bee]

I dont see what telling her would have accomplished - except for maybe creating an enemy and losing out on the items for sale. Why was she even asking - it wasn't any of her business. My director does this whenever she meets other daycare people - she immediately starts grilling them about how many kids they have, how much they charge, etc. Its really nosy and unprofessional to me.

This lady consciously made choices that cost her some of families. It's not like Cheer stole the family from her. I'd have said the same.

[Heidi]

In our state, that information is technically confidential anyway. Had you thought quick enough, you could have said "I'[m sorry, I can't talk about who is in my group due to confidentiality". You got put on the spot though....

[cheerfuldom]

well I did have a guilty feeling for lying but I do think that I did the right thing. I dont tell anyone the names of the kids in care, their parents info and schedule, where they live or anything even close to personal information. My current daycare families dont even know this info about the other daycare families.....they know how many kids I have (because I feel that part is their right to know) and sometimes the others kids names but nothing past that.

I dont know this other stranger from Adam....I think I did the right thing in not telling her that XYZ was here. That seems an invasion of privacy to me.

I dont have a problem helping out other providers though and agree that we should help each other out to a certain extent. I have a circle of about 6 or so providers where we all do backup care for one another, I have not seen any client-stealing or other competitive behaviors. Its not like I was out to hurt this other provider but I did withhold info.

[My3cents]

I dont see what telling her would have accomplished - except for maybe creating an enemy and losing out on the items for sale. Why was she even asking - it wasn't any of her business. My director does this whenever she meets other daycare people - she immediately starts grilling them about how many kids they have, how much they charge, etc. Its really nosy and unprofessional to me.

This lady consciously made choices that cost her some of families. It's not like Cheer stole the family from her. I'd have said the same.

Thinking about this in more dept- you are right, technically this information probably should not be given out. Going by the book

As a human who is down on her luck she was asking and reaching out for help and wondering what she could do to better herself and also venting at the same time from one provider to another. Caught up in the moment. I don't know what I would have said either and depending upon the momentum I might have done the same thing, but I would have had the little man sitting on my shoulder telling me not to lie, and the after guilt, and the lady probably would have known I was not telling her the truth because I just don't lie well and try hard not to do it at all. The lady was bold to ask this, but again I think she was down trying to figure out what she is doing wrong that she is losing kids and money. Selling her stuff I think she prob would have still sold her the stuff because again she is needing the money. I would hate for this women to find out that I bluntly lied to her face- it makes my credibility not look good. For future point- I hope I remember when faced with this kind of a situation to just reply with, I am not able to disclose that information. I hope I can say that and not come across as uppity.

I also know another provider that grills other providers. It does seem nosy but I also think it is "conversation" and interacting with adults. I usually just listen because I might wonder but don't have it in me usually to ask. Tone is everything and some people are better at it then others.

[Blackcat31]

Cheer~ You didn't do anything wrong and although I also think honesty is the best policy, I don't think it applied in this case.

Like Heidi said, had you been honest, you would have been stuck talking about a daycare family with someone who has no right to talk about the family since they are no longer her family and that conversation would have been totally unethical.

I also feel that just because you know why she is having trouble with turn over, doesn't mean it is YOUR responsibilty to tell her. Besides, isn't most of what you know information from her ex-client (your current client)? Which would only be hearsay and not necessarily info YOU are obligated to share. kwim?

I think if you are interested in buying any of her stuff....you should and you shouldnt feel guilty about knowing anything and keeping the interaction between you and her completely cordial.

I probably would have handled the entire situation the same way you did.

[cheerfuldom]

Cheer~ You didn't do anything wrong and although I also think honesty is the best policy, I don't think it applied in this case.

Like Heidi said, had you been honest, you would have been stuck talking about a daycare family with someone who has no right to talk about the family since they are no longer her family and that conversation would have been totally unethical.

I also feel that just because you know why she is having trouble with turn over, doesn't mean it is YOUR responsibilty to tell her. Besides, isn't most of what you know information from her ex-client (your current client)? Which would only be hearsay and not necessarily info YOU are obligated to share. kwim?

I think if you are interested in buying any of her stuff....you should and you shouldnt feel guilty about knowing anything and keeping the interaction between you and her completely cordial.

I probably would have handled the entire situation the same way you did.

Thank you Black Cat. I am actually a little surprised at the number of people saying that I should have just told her.....you are correct, basically all the information I know about why her clients are not staying with her are from the XYZ parents, although the providers conversation confirmed much of it. But this is a stranger, even though I feel bad for her and she seemed to be discouraged, that doesnt mean that she is open to a frank conversation about what it will take to get her daycare up to par. I do think it is important to reach out to fellow providers if possible but in this case, I feel there are several reasons why that wouldnt be the best idea at this point. She has A LOT to overcome and has already told me that if she cant find a family asap, she is going to start looking for a job outside the home. There are some people that are not a good fit for daycare and to be honest, I really feel that maybe it would be best for her to find a situation outside of childcare. Some of the things that I heard about her were very alarming....keep in mind that this is a person that thought it was okay to give a 4 month old chocolate ice cream, among several other major safety issues!

[MaritimeMummy]

She was really upset because she has had so much turnover in the last few months and doesnt seem to know why. I know exactly why but I dont feel free to discuss that with her or discuss how I know this.

Yeaaaah, see, you did the right thing. It's really not up to you to tell her why she lost all those parents. It's not your fault that the mother took the liberty of telling you what her previous childcare issues were, but what she tells you stays within your four walls. For the sale of privacy for the child and the family, you were right to lie.

You also spared her feelings. You've done the right thing here. Don't feel bad.