Logged Out: Help Im In A Funk :(

Collapse
X
 
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
  • Unregistered

    Logged Out: Help Im In A Funk :(

    I am a registered user but logged for privacy from dcps.

    Sorry this is so long.

    I am in a funk. I realized it last night when, after I had finally gotten my own children to bed, I just felt like I was really bored and alone with life. There is no more excitement, and I have completely lost myself. I wake up with my own kids, then do daycare all day, resenting it the whole time because all I want to do is be a SAHM and do fun things with my own kids. At the end of the day, all I want to do is crash from exhaustion. I get my kids dinner and put them to bed by 7:30, just so I can salvage some sort of time to myself. But dh is home around 6:30ish, and he wants to watch TV, so that is what we do every night until I pass out exhausted in front of the TV. This is my life. Every day.

    I have friends but everyone is busy with kids. I have been with my dh for 15 years, since High School, so honestly I have lost my individual identity. I am just a mom and a wife. I dont even know what I like anymore because I have totally melded myself into his interests, from movie choices (he always says I choose crappy movies) to hobbies, to even home decoration. If I suggest something to do he always says, "go ahead, I am not stopping you," but then wants me to take our 2 kids with me, which isnt always fun for me. He wants to stay home on the weekends, and all I want to do is leave, because I am here all day, every day. So I can either leave the house and never see my dh, or stay home and spend some time with him. I dont mean to make him out to be some controlling bad guy because he isn't, but I just feel so lost. I miss "me."

    I dont like doing daycare. I am sick of breaking up fights amongst the kids, playing the "when will the parents arrive today?" game, having to chase after money that is owed to me, having to clean my house a million times a day. Honestly though I dont think I would be happy doing anything but being a SAHM. I find myself getting so irritated with the dck's, and wondering what the heck is wrong with their parents that they are not teaching them to be good people. I think, "Why the heck is this kid coming to MY home, destroying MY property, hitting MY kids?" Were they not taught better? Why are they not listening to me? Why do I have to say the same thing a thousand times? The rules are not changed!

    I feel like, since I get no breaks from my own kids, that they are more of an obligation to me than something that I can enjoy. I find myself turning the TV on more and more just so I can have some time away from them. I never get a chance to miss them. I feel like my husband is useless. I have to tell him everything to do or nothing would ever get done. I have tried letters, chore charts, asking nicely, nagging... you name it. He always says yes but never follows through. He thinks he is amazing because he goes to work and comes home and spends 30 minutes with the kids before they go to bed.

    I am in the process of moving my 1 year old to her own big girl bed because she kept diving out of her crib. She keeps getting out of her bed, and I have to pick her up and put her back in every time. I am trying to be consitent. DH will not help, so lately I have been spending 2 hours a night putting her back in the bed every time. I know she will get it eventually, but I am tired. He says to just shut her bedroom door and let her fall asleep wherever- but she will play until 11pm and wake up at 6 and I will deal with the wrath of her sleepiness all day- not him.

    I am just bored with life and want to have fun again. I want to enjoy my husband. I want to enjoy my kids. We are broke right now too, which cuts down on the activities I can do. I need to get out of this funk before it takes over me. Does anyone else ever feel this way? How do you get out of it?
  • Crystal
    Advanced Daycare.com Member
    • Dec 2009
    • 4002

    #2
    I am going to come back later and respond to you fully, but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and understand how you are feeling. Know that you are not alone and that here you have friends for support when you need it. If you want to talk privately, I would be happy to share my number with you via PM so we can chat.......hang in there.....and I will be back this afternoon to give you some personal insight and advice for what you are going through. ((((((Virtual Hugs))))))

    Comment

    • Country Kids
      Nature Lover
      • Mar 2011
      • 5051

      #3
      Feel free to pm me!!! I am so willing to talk to you and listen. We are in this together and are here to help each other.
      Each day is a fresh start
      Never look back on regrets
      Live life to the fullest
      We only get one shot at this!!

      Comment

      • SilverSabre25
        Senior Member
        • Aug 2010
        • 7585

        #4
        Oh, man, I could have written your post almost word for word a few months ago!! In fact, I started one like it many times but never posted it because I was embarrassed.

        You can PM me too, if you want--I might be able to help. I still have may days where I feel just like you do but I'm slowly working through it.

        (((HUGS)))) You're not alone! You have us, even if we're little more than words on a screen.
        Hee hee! Look, I have a signature!

        Comment

        • Heidi
          Daycare.com Member
          • Sep 2011
          • 7121

          #5
          I too, could have written this post 11 years ago. 50+ hours of daycare a week, 4 kids at home (11, 9, 4, and 6 m). My former husband worked out of town, so all he wanted to do once he got home was watch tv, and stay home on weekends. I wanted OUT of the house. If I did anything alone (even a school meeting), he'd give me an attitude when I got home...if I asked how the night went, he'd stonewall me with "fine".

          There were other issues, so I dumped his a** eventually. NOT suggesting you do that....like I said, other issues.

          I think you need to sit your dh down and spill the beans, baby. You need to let him know that you are overwhelmed, that you love him, and that you NEED him to be your partner. What can you do, together, to make sure your BOTH happy? Just a shot in the dark, but I'm guessing this has affected your intimacy as well. We women don't really feel sexy when someone ALWAYS wants something. You really, really, really need to impress upon him that you want to be a team!

          Personally, I think you should go find something to do one night a week by yourself. Even if it's sitting in the Starbucks with a latte' and a book. Then, I would make a deal that you find a sitter and go out every other Saturday night together. Take turns picking the activity, NO COMPLAINING! That means, if he wants to go watch a "guy movie", you go. If you want to go pick daisies...he goes. No whining. Try to make it fun and creative.

          Comment

          • pootmcgoot
            Daycare.com Member
            • Jun 2012
            • 162

            #6
            I am right there with you hun. Some days I want to bang my head against the wall because EVERYTHING seems futile. PM me if you need someone to gripe to. I don't mind listening. Misery loves company :P LOL

            Comment

            • pootmcgoot
              Daycare.com Member
              • Jun 2012
              • 162

              #7
              Also, see my avatar? That is my face on a daily basis. Whether it's husband, kidlet, daycare kid or his mom...that is my face. Even when I miss dr phil, that is my face. I think we have something in common hahaha.

              Comment

              • Unregistered

                #8
                Poot: LOL yes, I love your avatar! And your screen name- I wish I would have thought of a funny one like that because that could totally be me. I laugh every time I see it!

                I think part of my problem too is that I have totally lost my identity as a woman. I wouldn't even know what to do with myself even if I had a night off to do whatever I want. I don't know "me," if that makes sense to anyone. I totally need an Eat, Pray, Love experience, but theres no way that is going to happen with all my kids and a husband.

                I am an adventurous, spontaneous, fun loving, awesome person, somewhere deep inside, but I have suppressed that person for so long that I don't know if I can even find her again.

                I talked to my husband about how I felt last night and his response was to go to the store and get some ice cream. Seriously?!? He said if I got out of the house it would make me feel better. Really? I am not even 30 yet, and the highlight of my day is supposed to be to go get some ice cream from the store?

                And I am also finding that I am really craving human to human interaction. All I do is talk to kids, and then dh comes home and wants to watch TV and all I want is to be loved as a woman. Talk to me for more than 5 minutes. He talks all day at his work and I have no one. I want to be hugged and touched. TMI- We are intimate regularly, but for me it is just something to do to keep him happy. He doesn't bother "putting the moves" on me at all. I dont hate it but it really isn't all that exciting for me. It's the same ole' routine every time and I am so bored. Bored bored bored. Everything in my life is boring

                Comment

                • cheerfuldom
                  Advanced Daycare.com Member
                  • Dec 2010
                  • 7413

                  #9
                  I think that even if you cant change all these things, taking control of them will be very empowering.

                  1. Do you have anyone to speak to that is unbiased? If you can speak to a counselor or a clergy member and work out some of your feelings on this, I think it will help you figure out what to do next in life. I had a great counselor for awhile, I have also spoken with my pastor and some very wise older ladies in my circle of friends/church family that have helped a lot.

                  2. Revamp the daycare. Figure out what it will take for you to be more satisfied with the reality of your job. Is it too many kids? too many hours? not enough pay? Change what you can and then work on accepting the rest.

                  3. Find some things and new interests that would put that spark back in your life. Take a class (even online), join some groups, take walks every day away from your house, get involved in a church/club/volunteer program. Stop waiting around for you husband to do things with you and learn to have fun on your own or with your kids. If he gets it together and comes along, great and if not, you wont be stuck miserable in the house all the time.

                  4. Start changing yourself and then ask your husband for exactly what you need. "We are going to the park on Saturday morning and I want you come and have a good attitude about being together as a family, even if you really dont care to go. Put on a happy face and have fun with me because that is what I really need from you. I know you love me and will do this because its important to me." No nagging, arguing or begging. Then get up and go without him and let him know in one calm statement "I asked you to do something that was very important to me and the kids. By not going, you are showing me that you dont care enough about me to put some effort into this activity. We are going without you"

                  All of the things you mentioned are things that I have gone thru. My husband works outside all day and he is a big ol bore at home....wants to watch TV and be a hermit. Hes not a bad person but his needs are different than mine. He needed to put in a little effort to the things that are important to me and I need to understand that he really does need some down time. Its hard work to keep a marriage going and to keep a purpose in our lives but its worth it. Dont give up!

                  My final thought is that it is a process to grow in maturity and understand that at almost 30 and with kids and a full time job, life is not going to be exciting every day. It shouldnt be miserable either but it is important to have realistic expectations of what your life is like now. Something that helps is to continue making goals and things to look forward to so that you do have a little zest for life, even if you arent hang gliding or flying off to Paris every other week.

                  Comment

                  • Jenniferdawn
                    Daycare.com Member
                    • Sep 2011
                    • 241

                    #10
                    Oh boy. I too read your post and felt like i was reading my life. Only my husband is working full time AND going to school full time. I just reached my limit so much so that we are going to start counseling together. Its a me thing but it's also a partnership thing. If there's anyway to get professional help, I highly recommend it. In the very least, I agree with telling your dh that you need one night out by yourself, whether its grocery shopping or having a coffee or seeing a movie. If you don't get some "me" time, you will crash and burn. That is one thing I've learned walking through this. Set a specific night and do it, every night. Make it consistent. put it on your calender as an event not to be missed so you remember to take care of yourself and dh knows this is something you are serious about.

                    I also think you need to talk with dh about what responsibilities you need him to take over for you. I found myself not only cleaning up from daycare, but making dinner, doing the dishes, getting the kids cleaned up and putting them all to bed while my husband sat on the couch watching tv. A very frank conversation about him being the father and how much I need him to help in the evenings made the night time less stressful for me. Now, one person cleans up from dinner while the other person gets the kids ready for bed. He doesn't do things perfect, but i have to let that go.

                    Men are not very observant people. They need us to spell out our needs very directly to them or they just don't get it.

                    The other thing I have learned is having someone to talk to about it, other than your dh is crucial. Whether it is someone from here or a friend, make it a priority to talk with others about it. It will help you get a clear perspective and have other people looking out for your needs when your dh doesn't.


                    It's so, so hard to run a business out of your home when all you want to do is be a stay at home mom. It is the last thing I want to do too. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or guilty for not being able to care for your kids in the way your heart desires, remind yourself that you are doing this for them, that you are meeting very serious financial needs in their life and you ARE taking care of them by doing this job. Try too to look at the ways in which you have grown as an individual through this. I know daycare has made me a stronger person. I've become more confident, learned how to say no, etc. I had to make a list for myself of all the positives about doing daycare and I go over that list when I find myself having a particularly bad day. Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you are in this place. You aren't alone.

                    Comment

                    • Jenniferdawn
                      Daycare.com Member
                      • Sep 2011
                      • 241

                      #11
                      Cheerfuldom, we were writing at the same time. GREAT ideas you have for unregistered. i fully agree.

                      Comment

                      • My3cents
                        Daycare.com Member
                        • Jan 2012
                        • 3387

                        #12
                        His mind and his needs don't work the same way as yours do. He can't read your mind- you might have to spell it out

                        I was going to suggest that you print out what you just wrote and leave it around for him to read- if he cares he will make some changes, if he doesn't well you need to decide if that is the way you want to live the rest of your life.

                        My husband is out of the house all week at his job, so understandable that he wants to be home and enjoy what he is working so hard for. I want to boot scoot boogie out of the home because I am here all week. We both work hard.

                        I agree that you need to stress that your a team, and need to work as a team. Baby steps- love the idea of taking turns picking a date night out every other weekend and having no complaining on either side- and you do need to find something that you can enjoy that is for you. Hobby, craft, ladies night out, computer time, coffee and a book, whatever you enjoy guilt free with no kids. I would give him this time too. The rest of the time teamwork- if your going to lay down and not expect him to help you, you can only blame yourself. Talk to him and tell him I need you to do this and I am going to cook the meals you can wash and put away the dishes. He doesn't get that you have done that already three times during the day. He just doesn't think that way. Spice the night life up- make it happen. If we get this and this done together I want to meet you in the dark and try something new. You want ideas...... read 50 shades of grey........whoooa. Don't fall for the same old same old, but bring ideas to the table and explain you want him to be doing the same. Plan trips together so that you have something to look forward too. Tons of things that don't cost a lot of money that you can do.........I am sure a google would spring up a bunch. If he refuses, start making your own changes, don't cook dinner, clean up after him, do all the little things that you do. He won't change if he doesn't have to- he is comfortable and you are not. I highly recommend you talk it out with him. Always counseling.

                        You have one life to live- you might as well make it a happy one while you are here for this little short while-

                        hugs and best-

                        Chrystal- hope that you come back and share with everyone. I think this subject effects a lot of us and sometimes ebbs and flows as we tug along.

                        Comment

                        • cheerfuldom
                          Advanced Daycare.com Member
                          • Dec 2010
                          • 7413

                          #13
                          Originally posted by Jenniferdawn
                          Cheerfuldom, we were writing at the same time. GREAT ideas you have for unregistered. i fully agree.
                          thanks J, I enjoyed your post as well.

                          see, op? what you are going thru is very normal. we found ways that made things better and you can too!

                          Comment

                          • Heidi
                            Daycare.com Member
                            • Sep 2011
                            • 7121

                            #14
                            Originally posted by Unregistered
                            Poot: LOL yes, I love your avatar! And your screen name- I wish I would have thought of a funny one like that because that could totally be me. I laugh every time I see it!

                            I think part of my problem too is that I have totally lost my identity as a woman. I wouldn't even know what to do with myself even if I had a night off to do whatever I want. I don't know "me," if that makes sense to anyone. I totally need an Eat, Pray, Love experience, but theres no way that is going to happen with all my kids and a husband.

                            I am an adventurous, spontaneous, fun loving, awesome person, somewhere deep inside, but I have suppressed that person for so long that I don't know if I can even find her again.

                            I talked to my husband about how I felt last night and his response was to go to the store and get some ice cream. Seriously?!? He said if I got out of the house it would make me feel better. Really? I am not even 30 yet, and the highlight of my day is supposed to be to go get some ice cream from the store?

                            And I am also finding that I am really craving human to human interaction. All I do is talk to kids, and then dh comes home and wants to watch TV and all I want is to be loved as a woman. Talk to me for more than 5 minutes. He talks all day at his work and I have no one. I want to be hugged and touched. TMI- We are intimate regularly, but for me it is just something to do to keep him happy. He doesn't bother "putting the moves" on me at all. I dont hate it but it really isn't all that exciting for me. It's the same ole' routine every time and I am so bored. Bored bored bored. Everything in my life is boring
                            ohhh boy!

                            You do need to find you, and if dh isn't on board, you need to find you without him. Personally, if my husband reacted that way to my being unhappy, I'd wonder what his purpose is in my life. Marraige is about friendship, partnership, support, love, sex, and financial support. If the sex is blah and you don't get the rest, then he's just a paycheck...that sounds kind of rude, sorry...

                            When you were in high school (the last time you were single), what interests did you have? Were you an athlete, a bookworm, an artist, into drama? This may be the beginning of a new road for you...but you can use that road as a starting point. If you were an athlete, then go to the gym 2x a week. That means...you leave when dh gets home. Let him handle dinner, beds, etc. If he does it different then you, let him. Don't criticize. So what if you have to clean up more the next day...you've got to do it anyway. A few extra dishes won't kill you. Or, make a pile of sandwiches and a pile of paper plates, or a pot of tomato soup and a plate of cheese and crackers. The rest of the week you can make up for it with a "real" meal. If dh doesn't like it, smile sweetly and say "oh, then you're cooking on my gym nights from now on...thanks!".

                            DH is treating you this way because you are letting him. Like many of us, you've been conditioned to avoid a fight and suffer in silence. STOPPPPPP ITTTTTT!!!! First of all, it's not fair...you're really not being honest to him when you do it. Second of all, IF, and this is a big IF, he walks away because you've started standing up for your needs...then he's walking away from the REAL you, not the one you've become. Chances are, though, that he may just become more interested in who you are...because you're not a miserable heap anymore. Besides, most men are too lazy to walk away...::

                            When I was miserable, I took action, and it led to divorce. I have a friend who was miserable, and suffered for years, complaining, until she went on a mild anti-depressant and feels 80% better. I've also seen people whine and cry and be miserable for years and do nothing. I've known people that eventually meet someone else, someone who treats them "right", and have an affair. I've known that temptation myself, but I didn't carry it out.

                            It's not all peaches-and-cream every day with my current husband, but I tell him what I need, and I try to give him the same consideration. I've found with him, if I tell him what the problem is, then give him a few days to think about it, I get a better result. He'll either come to me, or I'll go back and say..."so, did you think about our conversation?". Maybe if you try that with your dh..."Honey...here's the problem. I don't want an answer now, but could you think about it and see what you come up with?"

                            Whatever you do ends up being your decision. But, my advice (I'm 47) is that you don't just sit back miserably and suffer. Do SOMETHING!

                            Comment

                            • brookeroo
                              Daycare.com Member
                              • Jun 2012
                              • 144

                              #15
                              Another thing to think about... just from watching my mom and stepfather go through all of this burn out ect. I could see this same thing affect their marriage. My mother did daycare for almost 20 years. She went through a lot of burn out periods and he was exactly the same as your husband... no matter what she tried with him or talked to him about... it was always the same routine....every single day. He was stubborn and set in his ways.

                              At the same time my mom wore sweats everyday and basically when he saw her she didn't really put much effort into how she looked for him. Not saying you should have to all the time but pretty much never went out of her way to look better. She'd roll out of bed and answer the door. Take her showers between kids napping. If she left the house she looked the same. No makeup. As soon as they divorced that changed.

                              I have made it a point to get up before my first kids come and take a shower and try to wear normal clothes (jeans, capris ect.) do my make up and hair, almost every day at least.

                              Not saying it's all on you but maybe wondering how much you try at it as well?

                              I feel in the intimacy area a little disconnected but I have since I was pregnant with my first child. Giving birth both times really was not pleasant to me from a recovery aspect. For some reason even the doctors cannot seem to figure out I did not bounce back as easily as so many others. As much as I love my husband and I am very attracted to him still, I just don't have full capability that I used to to enjoy that part anymore. So I feel like I go through the motions all for him as well.

                              Comment

                              Working...