6yo Insists On Napping Rather Than Playing???

[Kaddidle Care]

Positive reinforcement sounds like it's just the ticket. Dangle that carrot hon!

I had that with my oldest. He was DX's ADHD and is gifted (which can be a handicap in itself). I had gotten to the point that I had taken EVERYTHING away. It was then that I started printing up TV/Video Game tickets. He had to earn his time on them by reading or doing chores. While I admit that I wasn't as consistant as I should have been, it did work wonders. He was smart enough to hoard his TV/Video game tickets until he had several hours at a time.

Part of it does sound like you have younger kids and he's a bit out of his element and not happy about it. Making him a helper may help as well.

[Bookworm]

You said that Mom has a BF. What is the relationship with him like? Is Dad in the picture? What is that relationship like? It seems like there is no such thing as Positive Reinforcement for him. The more you try to engage him, the more he pulls away. But at the same time, you don't want him to just "veg" out in front of the tv either. I've seen parts of this behavior in many kids over the years but never all in one child. I would definitely push Mom for an assessment before school starts.

One more thing, when you say he is grounded,what does that mean? Is it removal of all privileges, isolation or both. And is there opportunity to interact with other kids outside of DC?

[Mary Poppins]

Positive reinforcement sounds like it's just the ticket. Dangle that carrot hon! It really depends though. I've dangled things (field trips, a new cool toy, time watching tv, etc) in front of him and he doesn't seem to respond. What he does respond to is if we remove attention away from him and give it back as a reward. That seems to be what he wants the most (which is pretty telling, really.. and sad!)

I had that with my oldest. He was DX's ADHD and is gifted (which can be a handicap in itself). I had gotten to the point that I had taken EVERYTHING away. It was then that I started printing up TV/Video Game tickets. He had to earn his time on them by reading or doing chores. While I admit that I wasn't as consistant as I should have been, it did work wonders. He was smart enough to hoard his TV/Video game tickets until he had several hours at a time.

Part of it does sound like you have younger kids and he's a bit out of his element and not happy about it. Mom and I have discussed this at length and he tells her (and us) that he really loves coming here (go figure !) and doesn't care if he is the only one his age because he really doesn't like other kids his age all that much anyway and seems to want to be with adults (there are 3 to 5 of us here at any given time) the most. Making him a helper may help as well. We've tried making him our helper and he does OK for a while but he has to be supervised more than the babies. He will act good for maybe 10 minutes and then will purposefully do something bad or wrong and has to be separated.

Thanks for the input!

[Mary Poppins]

You said that Mom has a BF. What is the relationship with him like? Not good at all. Mom says they can't stand to be in the same room together. Is Dad in the picture? No. And he recently learned for the first time that he actually HAS a birth father. Ugh. Until then he thought he was conceived by his mom alone I guess? What is that relationship like? It seems like there is no such thing as Positive Reinforcement for him.Not really, at least not with typical methods. Rewarding, star charts, praising, etc. does not work. The more you try to engage him, the more he pulls away. Yep, it is a trust issue I think? But at the same time, you don't want him to just "veg" out in front of the tv either. Noooo. It would make my day so much easier but I refuse to give in and let him sit in front of the tv. He gets plenty of that at home anyway. I've seen parts of this behavior in many kids over the years but never all in one child. I would definitely push Mom for an assessment before school starts.

One more thing, when you say he is grounded,what does that mean? Is it removal of all privileges, isolation or both. From what dcm tells me, it is both. He loses privileges and is put in his room for time-out. I do a similar thing here, where he has to earn back privileges and has to go to our "thinking corner" to chill out. It diffuses him but isn't really fundamentally changing his behavior. And is there opportunity to interact with other kids outside of DC?Yep, he has tons of family (cousins) his age and once a week he goes with gramma to a program at the school she works at and gets to be with his peers. He says he likes to be here more than there (which is odd, right?!). :confused:

I think a lot of it boils down to his lack of a real father figure and his wanting soooo badly for it to just be him and mom again. Up until he was 4, that's how it was and then came new bf and baby sister and he is feeling lost now. I don't sense jealousy with him and his sister (she is my 1yo) but I definitely sense animosity aimed toward bf. He seems to center his malicious mischief around bf's stuff (spray painting the garage) or things bf has to fix (the fence).

It has to be devastatingly hard on him to not be the center of mom's world anymore. It doesn't excuse his behavior but it could explain some of it.

[Bookworm]

It seems like you're doing everything you can to help him but it sounds like it time for some family counciling. It sounds like Mom really wants to help him get through this. Keep talking to Mom and hugs to you. Good luck.

[My3cents]

a couple of post reading in and I was seeing--- this kid is spending way too much time in front of the TV, letting his mind go numb. TV will do that. Aggression from not having that addiction is the results your getting. Mom has used the TV to babysit this child- esp being a single parent and probably not having that reinforcement to help her out. He does sound very smart but his brains are being wasted on TV, Video and non thinking activities.

Get him moving. Physical, and using his brain. Find something he can take apart and explore that is real. He relates to grown up stuff, not baby toys. Work with him on his reading- no screen time- reading. He is going to hate it. Read to him engaging stories that make him think and he can enjoy and crave more of. Have him read to you- even if you have to reread it to him. Let him make tons of mistakes and learn to use his mind.

This child is craving boundries, rules, and routine. Make him your helper, don't ask, tell him it is going to be his job to help you with .........whatever you choose. His rewards will be to get that brain moving and learn coping skills for everyday life. Don't make excuses for him, tell him how it is going to be. Nicely of course- but not giving as many choices to make him happy, teaching him self gratification. Put a box of a junk stuff together- Popsicle sticks, glue, small rocks, twigs, whatever you have on hand, and while the kids are napping have him sit at a table quietly and tell him to create something using what he wants in the box. Build it up, tell him he can event anything he wants, but he is not allowed to sit there and just sit. He must try. Have special quiet time boxes for rest time to keep him awake and thinking. Books-word cards- make games out of reading. He will be learning with out even knowing he is. Don't promise him screen time- just don't offer that to him. Encourage mom to do things with him at home, one on ones, if the bf is a significant other, encourage him to have a relationship with this child and be a positive influence for him. This is what I could think of for now......it is a start. I love kids like this. They make me work hard. Think of him as a challenge and yourself as a difference maker. Absolutely do not allow disrespect and simply explain that if he talks to you like that all the other kids are going to start talking to you like that and it just not something that is nice to do and we don't do that here. IF your not up to this challenge then I would suggest you do him a favor and the mother a favor and tell them where he can be served better and get the help for his needs. I would also ask her to get the ball rolling now for testing rather then waiting for the school year to start.

For you I would stop letting this child tell you he can't, and showing him that he can. He can, he is just refusing to put effort, because his mind has been in mush mode and it is what he knows. Best-

[My3cents]

one more thing, don't argue with him. Let him be right. Listen. He is not being listened to at home I am guessing. He is exhausting and parents are too busy to listen to this child. He needs to be heard. When he starts to argue don't engage with that. Nod your head. Show him your listening, don't reply to him. You can't argue with yourself very well. Use positive reinforcements, but don't go overboard, he needs to learn how to cope on his own and be ok within himself.

Sorry for all the spell errors, I type faster then I think-

He stays up late at home, because he is engulfed in the screen time. Explain to Mom you would like to pull a lot of screen time from this child and the reason that you are doing it. Your going to keep him up on your end of things, but when he goes home he is going to be exhausted, don't give into that and please try to keep him busy till 7ish or 8 and outside playing, riding a bike, walking, active. Mom has to back you or this kid is just going to run you and he is already running mom and does it well.

Can you tell I have some experience with this type of child before?::

[My3cents]

sorry one more thing. Have the mom have him helping with the baby, supervised of course but involved. Simple stuff, getting a diaper, holding, reading to the new baby, helping to feed, pick out clothes, comfort. This kid feels pushed aside and will resent the baby if he doesn't have special time with parents, and included in helping to care. He might be viewing that baby as a splinter, that is wedged between mom and him. Stick the boyfriend into that mix and you have an angry child.

Hope all this helps-

I could be way off but I have seen this so many times doing daycare--- these kids grow up and they remember your kindness you showed them, the stability

[Countrygal]

ODD sounds like a very likely possibility. And honestly...bored bright child, too. You can't and don't see it because he isn't doing the work or showing the smarts, but he may well be very smart. This is pretty common with gifted kids.

Some of what you said more recently sounds a lot like my nephew...right down to the refusing to read. My nephew insisted that he couldn't read up until the end of second grade (this past year) when they got his Terra Nova test scores and they showed him in the 95th or better percentile for EVERYTHING. His parents sat down and said look, this means that you are better than almost everyone out there. And lo and behold, he admitted he could read and now loves it...go figure.

BUT, I have thought for a long time that nephew might have ODD, and that seems like a distinct possiblity with your dcb. Depression sounds likely too, or some other medical issue causing him to want to sleep so much.

I bet that step one for this child is to change the punishments, both at home and at your house. Time out is doing nothing to help, so stop it. We don't time out for backtalk/rude talk, we just correct the child and say sternly, "That's not something that's okay to say." 9 times out of 10 I never hear the word again. And...grounding at age 6?! That seems a bit extreme to me. Of course, he shouldn't even have had access to the spray paint, but a logical consequence there is that he has to help make it right--help fix the fence, help repaint what he spray-painted, etc.

he want to engage with you and other grown-ups--another hallmark of a gifted child. Are his only other playmates really just two babies/toddlers? Poor guy, he's seriously bored and needs some more kids his age! How about engaging HIM in conversation--"Hey dcb, what's something you really like?" and then ask him to tell you everything he knows about it. even if it's Pokemon and you could care less--show interest in it. Engage him. Learn about what he enjoys. Maybe play Wii WITH him? Don't make him earn it, just say, "Hey, dcb, i want to play this baseball game with you!" And really overplay how much fun you're having up doing it actively, but don't push him to get up and do it. Maybe try to be worse than him on purpose...and play up that he's really good at it. I tihnk he needs to be good at something.

I agree with most of this post.

A few "tricks" I've picked up along the way. Don't argue with a 6yo. Instead of arguing try responding like this: Let's say he wants to sleep and it's not nap time
Him: I'm tired, I'm gonna lay down
You: I'm sorry, it's not nap time now, why don't you play with a leap pad?
Him: I'm too tire, I want to lay down
Here's the key - you repeat what he said, whowing you understand what he wants and then simply say you said no, like this:
You: I understand you feel tired and wish to lay down, AND (never use but) I said no. (or you could say "I said you may only lay down during nap time).
If you respond this way they will seldom come back again. If they do, you handle it the same way, responding in the same words until they quit. No argument, no fuss.

It WORKS!

Also, I think, along with some of the others that he is BORED. He needs interaction with something. Not everyone likes legos - my dgs doesn't, but he loves his video games. which is also common of intelligent kids. They are highly interactive. So I would allow him some computer time or video game time each day and make it dependent upon his behavior. I also would try to engage him more, but in tasks. Would you take this bag of garbage out to the garbage cans for me? Would you please set the table for lunch? Maybe you could make him your official daycare helper. It may not work, but I'd surely give it a try. Offer some type of reward for accomplishments. "Oh, you set the table so nicely! Now you get to pick where you would like to sit before anyone else and XX will clear your dishes for you! Lucky you! "

When I had before school kids, they could earn video game time. It was good incentive for them.

I hope some of these ideas work for you!

Also, I was wondering about thyroid problems. It's not common in young boys, but anyone can have thyroid problems. He is always tired and overweight - common signs of underactive thyroid, and thyroid is almost always the last thing checked by doctors. It's such a simple thing to check and treat, and yet they somehow never check it. Most people go YEARS without being diagnosed. Just a thought. Here's a really good article by a doctor addressing the symptoms of excessive tiredness and overweight in children: http://pediatrics.about.com/od/sympt...06_thyroid.htm