? For Providers Whose Own Kids Attend Their Daycare.....

[Christina72684]

I've been open a year now and my 15month old attends the daycare with me. My husband works till at least 8pm every night, sometimes later, so between 6pm-? I am by myself with my daughter. Then once he gets home he wants to relax because he's worked all day, and therefore sometimes spends time with our daughter, but not the whole night. And he works Saturdays too, so it's just me and her all day long on Saturdays. So in other words I am with my daughter from about 6-8am until she goes to sleep around 8-11pm six days a week.

How do you do it? I LOVE MY DAUGHTER....don't get me wrong. But sometimes I need a break. We don't have any extra money to do anything right now, so it's not like I can just go get a Mani/Pedi whenever I want, but I need to do something soon. I feel like I'm gonna break. She's a really good 1yr old, but I just need some adult time, either by myself, with my husband, or with friends.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[AmyLeigh]

Your feelings are perfectly normal, perfectly natural. I think that it hits a lot of new moms around the 1 year-18 month mark.
Can your hubby take the baby for some time on Sundays? Do you have family or friends you feel comfortable watching your dd for a while? You mentioned a tight budget, but can you just get away for a little while by yourself to regroup and refresh? Maybe you can schedule coffee and/or window shopping with a girlfriend. I'm an introvert by nature, so there are definite times I tell my husband that I need to get out by myself and I just leave. Since I have been doing that on a regular basis, I have much more patience for my children and the daycare kiddos. My husband encourages me to keep taking time out for myself as he sees how much happier and well balanced I am when I do.
Please communicate to your husband in a calm way how you are feeling. Mommy burnout is real, regardless if we are working inside the home, outside the home, with one or 10 kids. It has no reflection at all of your feelings about your child. It shows that you have been putting her needs first and now it's time to attend to your needs.

[Willow]

I have two kids, ages 7 and 9. My significant other is a master electrician and often works out of state. He usually leaves in the wee hours of Monday morning and doesn't return until Thursday evening.

I completely sympathize.

Does your husband know you're feeling overwhelmed and needing some kid free time? Sometimes men become a bit....self absorbed? Maybe he has no clue you're struggling or even want that time? Are you confident asking him for it?

SO has made it clear to me that he's thick in that sense .
Unless I am direct - "honey, I'm leaving Saturday morning and won't be home until noon" or "your parents are taking the kids and we're going to the park Sunday afternoon" it doesn't occur to him this is what I need or want. He's always very happy to accommodate and often times will even pick up the house if I'm gone because the hiatus usually means I've hit my limit.

Here's hoping your husband is just not picking up your signals and once you talk to him he'll be understanding and helpful in finding a solution.

If you google up cost free outings/dates there are loads of options

[AnneCordelia]

Is she on a sleep routine? It sounds quite varied and I think you would get some relief to have some time to yourself too. A 15mo needs between 10-12 hours at night. My own 20mo goes to bed at 7pm and gets up at 7am. My hubby doesn't see him in the evenings because he gets home at 7ish but its better for our family as a whole for the baby to get proper rest and me to have evening downtime than it is for the baby to spend time with hubby when hubby is wanting to eat/shower/decompress anyway.

[cheerfuldom]

I was confused about your schedule too....

but even still, I do sympathize. My husband worked 2 jobs for 8 years of our marriage. The job situation alone almost resulted in a divorce about 2 years ago. I had a huge meltdown and made him quit, that day. I let it go on way too long without clearly voicing my concerns, voicing a plan, and pushing myself way past my limit. I realize my husband works a labor intensive job outside all day with difficult people. BUT I work too. I cant be on duty 24/7 just because I am the mom. I know he is tired but he has to **** it up and keep going, just like I did for 8 years by myself. We had a huge wakeup call there at the end and it was time to re-evaluate what was working and what wasnt. We are on a tight tight budget too....but now I pay an assistant to come help me at least once a week. It totals to around $100 a month. Thats a big chunk of change. but it is what I need in order to keep going and it has to be done, just like paying the water bill.

I think you need to think about what YOU want. A realistic plan of action that is clear to your husband and not just you complaining in a general way. Do you need him to handle evening and bedtime once a week so you can go get a coffee or watch TV uninteruppted? is it time to plan a vacation? even a staycation where no money is being spent? is it time to rejuvenate yourself with old hobbies or friends that you have neglected because of motherhood?

now is the time to stop complaining and take some action! sure your husband is working hard.....but so are you. you work all day, why should he be the only one that gets a break? why should you have to do more just because you are the mom?

[cheerfuldom]

Is she on a sleep routine? It sounds quite varied and I think you would get some relief to have some time to yourself too. A 15mo needs between 10-12 hours at night. My own 20mo goes to bed at 7pm and gets up at 7am. My hubby doesn't see him in the evenings because he gets home at 7ish but its better for our family as a whole for the baby to get proper rest and me to have evening downtime than it is for the baby to spend time with hubby when hubby is wanting to eat/shower/decompress anyway.

same with us. I had my kids on a similar schedule. My husband worked so much for a long time that there was about four days a week where he saw them for an hour tops, each day. But it was better for them and me to be on a regular daily schedule than constantly working around him and his work schedule.

[Christina72684]

I'm so glad there are other Moms/Providers out there who understand what I am going through!

As far as my daughter's sleep schedule, it varies depending on if it's one of my day's to open at 6:30am (my mom and I are co-owners so we switch up who opens and closes) or if I don't go in until 10 or 11am. Her bedtime will change depending on when she woke up and how well she napped. Some days she's a ball full of energy until 11pm, other times she's dead tired at 8pm. Either way she sleeps throughout the night and does take a really good 1-2 hour nap once, sometimes twice a day.

My husband is very pig-headed and like a majority of men, thinks he's the breadwinner (he does bring home more money than I do because we're kind of struggling at the DC right now) so he thinks he deserves more time to rest and relax in the evenings. I think if I could just have a small break on Saturdays or Sundays I would do so much better throughout the week. At least during the week she wears herself out more with the other kids, whereas on the weekends I'm the one playing with her all day long.

I guess I just need to do the one thing I hate doing, asking others for help. I occasionally ask my parents to watch her while I go to Weight Watchers for an hour on Mondays, but maybe I should ask my sister-in-law or other people to watch her for a couple of hours on Saturday while my husband is at work so I can have some just me time, even if it's just to take a nap or read a book.

Thank you all for the support!

[Blackcat31]

I think you are totally right in thinking that you need to schedule someone to watch your daughter for a few hours on Sat or Sun so you can have some time without her.

I think that having those couple of hours away from her are not only wonderful for YOU as a person/individual but great for your daughter as well.

You ARE more than a wife/mother/provider and should never feel guilty about taking a couple hours away from your child (or hubs).

[Lyss]

We have a 7mo old and my husband's schedule just changed last month so he is now working til 12:30am and gets home at 1-1:30am. He's a park ranger at a state park here so the summer is their busy season and this is his year for night shift He doesn't get to see our daughter at night (unless she wakes up while he's still awake) or really in the morning, as we have a bedtime routine and she goes to bed at 7:30 and gets up at 8am-ish.

I was feeling like I can't get a break because he has Wed/Thurs off and I have DCKs so even though he's home I'm still working. We've worked it out pretty well though: He gets up with her in the middle of the night (as he's usually up til 3-4am anyway) if she wakes, he takes her for a couple hours on his days off and does something away from the DCks, and sat/sun I get time to run errands or get coffee with a friend while he watches her before he leaves for work at 3:30pm-ish. I also have family that will watch her in the evenings if we want to go out on his days off or if I want to do something when hubs is at work.

Remember you have to take care of you to be able to take care of everyone else so there is nothing wrong with a little mommy time!

[cheerfuldom]

You really need to ask for help. I am the same way and just from experience, you are going to burnout bad and fast if you cant reach out right now before things get out of control. Another thing I think would really help is talking to your mom and getting the two of you on a regular schedule with the daycare. I would rather open early every morning in order to be on a consistent schedule. It will be healthiest for both you and your daughter.

[Breezy]

It could have been me writing this post! This is exactly how I have been feeling lately and I let DH know exactly how I feel. He always comments on how my patience seems to wear thin in the evenings and I told him well yeah!! I am with him all day every day along with other children as well. Our 16 month old DS has been going through the whiney, terror phase coupled with waking up like every hour at night and mot going down for a nap or bed without me trying for about 3 hours even though hes exhau
sted.

DH has been very understanding and takes over with 100% of DSs care when he gets home from work and the gym. It makes me feel so guilty but I know its what I need to be 100% during the day. DH gets his morning on the weekend to sleep in but otherwise he does most of everything else. He is still clueless most of the time on what he needs but he's working on it.

But anyway, you are not alone!!!!

[dave4him]

Its not fun feeling like you are doing 95% percent of the child care in the house including your own kids. YOu do deserve some YOU time.

[SunshineMama]

I TOTALLY understand! I am in the same boat, except that Dh is home Saturday's. It is so exhausting! I have 2 kids and am pregnant with the 3rd. After the dcks are gone, I turn on one show for my kids and I decompress for 30 minutes. I know some say tv is bad, but for me, after caring for kids from 5:30am until 7:30pm everyday alone, I NEED that time, and I don't feel bad either. Hang in there! You are not alone!

[Heidi]

I'm at least a decade ahead of you in age and mommy-ness, and I can tell you, unless YOU change it, nothing will change.

My dh has a similar mentality to yours, and there are days when that alone is very wearing. Some men (and I'm sure women, but it's men I know) don't seem to understand the concept of "sweat equity". So yes, they bring home a bigger paycheck, but YOU do 90 percent of what needs to be done otherwise, right? We have a pretty good marriage, but that subject does come up now and then and it's a bit of a "sore spot". With my first dh, it wasn't about money, though. He just resented me needing any space at all "away from him", as he perceived it.

Personally, I think you need to tell him "I NEED a few hours a week to myself. I know you love me, and you want me to have my needs met (right ). So, how can WE make that happen? " You marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a competition about who does more.

Some things to think about:

If you lost or tossed your husband tommorow (not suggesting that), then what would you do differently? If you were completely on your own, would you make time for yourself happen somehow?

Aren't you still a human being with needs and wants and desires?

Wouldn't your husband prefer a partner that is happy and healthy? You probably want that for him, and do your part to make that happen.

Gosh, even if your "me" time is a 15-20 minute walk every day when dh comes home, you'd feel better. Clear your head, get some excercise, and just be YOU, and it doesn't cost a penny. If you're trying to loose weight (based on the WW comment), you'd be helping that cause as well.

I'm just totally guessing here based on my own experience (with my former dh), that your intimacy has suffered as well (you don't have to answer that). Most women aren't exactly "in the mood" when they spend all day with little people hanging on them and have a partner that doesn't "get" them.

So, coming from an older woman (I'm 48) whose had one marriage implode for this sort of behavior, either get hubby on board and work together, or do it yourself.