Was I Wrong?

[AmyLeigh]

Okay, so this has been a long week for me for various reasons, and thus I am more self-doubting (is that a word?) than usual. Please correct me if my actions were wrong. This morning I put out some crafts supplies for the children on the dining table. I put out pipe cleaners, fuzz balls, google eyes and tons of glue. No instructions, per se. Just have fun and create something fun. Everyone participated and were doing well. I went on to do some prep work for lunch, in the kitchen which is attached. Seven yo DCB is a perfectionist and tends to get frustrated when it comes to mistakes. After everyone else was done and had moved on to other activities, he came to me, asking for help. This is how the conversation went.DCB: Amy, can you help me?
Me:Sure kiddo, what do you need?
DCB: I need you to glue this fuzz ball to this pipe cleaner and then put this eye on it.
Me:Why can't you do it?
DCB: Because it fell off and now I have glue on my hands.
Me: I got this stuff out for you guys to do. If I do it, it won't be yours anymore.
DCB: UGGGHHHHH......I want YOU to do it. (Starts crying)
Me: Sorry, nope. I will help you if you want, but I won't do it for you.
DCB: ERRRR....NEVER MIND! (ran off to play with other boys)
Really???? Even my 3 yo did several projects by herself without any assistance from me. I don't think it was beyond his abilities. I really doubt his school teacher does his projects for him. Is there anything different I should have done?

[cheerfuldom]

do not stress yourself out about a 7 year old that is pouting for not getting his way. I dont even do much for my 4 year old for activities.....we would use that situation to talk about not giving up, trying your hardest and doing your best. Crafts are for the kids, not the adults. The last time my 4 year old tried this, I told her no that she needed to try her hardest and figure out a way to make it work. She went back and successfully cut out all the peanut shapes and then wrote her first word on her own ("DAD" on a Fathers Day card!). I would never take away the sense of accompolishment she felt upon finishing the card with no help and giving that to dad later. It has been a week and she is still talking about that card!

In a nutshell, I tell the kids "make it work" and they know what this means....figure it out myself. They almost never give up and if they do, thats okay, I guess they didnt care about it that much in the first place.

[countrymom]

nope, you did fine. This is why children can't do anything for themselves anymore, we do it all for them. and for a side note, fuzz balls and pipe cleaners don't stick well I have to use a hot glue gun.

[AmyLeigh]

You know what, I just remembered he did the same thing to me on Monday, We were doing some paper mache and he HAD to have the BIGGEST balloon to cover. He did half of it then told (not asked, told) me to finish it for him. Ummm. No. I didn't. You think after over a year here with me, he would learn. Guess not.

BTW, thanks. I needed that. Like I posted earlier, it's been a tough week. TGIF.

[Willow]

How sad!

Being a perfectionist is such an incredibly hard thing to cope with. I can only imagine what that kiddo believes about his own abilities to think that only your hand could make what he creates "good enough"

His self esteem is probably pretty low and there's lots you can do to help him boost how he feels about his self worth.

I would have reassured him that even if it doesn't turn out his version of "perfect" that nothing really is. That you and his parents will think it's so so special because it was made by him, and special is far better than perfect could ever be.

I'd also challenge him to get him out of his comfort zone and give you opportunities to offer reassuring boosts. Give him three minutes to build the best lego castle he can. He'll undoubtedly get flustered not having the time to do everything the way that leaped into his head but when the timer goes off prove his own criticisms of himself wrong but making him feel like he just built the Taj Mahal. You can do the same with your crafts, give him three materials only (the less the better as he'll be overwhelmed as it is) and three minutes, give him free reign (maybe even away from the other kids if possible to reduce the stress level) and tell him to let his imagination run wild. Show him yourself if he struggles with not conceptualizing to the letter. Throw a bunch of junk together and then celebrate it! Sandbox would be a good place to try this too.

Good luck! Kids like this just break my heart, probably because I was one once and I remember how it feels to put that much pressure on oneself....

[AmyLeigh]

How sad!Being a perfectionist is such an incredibly hard thing to cope with. I can only imagine what that kiddo believes about his own abilities to think that only your hand could make what he creates "good enough" His self esteem is probably pretty low and there's lots you can do to help him boost how he feels about his self worth.I would have reassured him that even if it doesn't turn out his version of "perfect" that nothing really is. That you and his parents will think it's so so special because it was made by him, and special is far better than perfect could ever be.I'd also challenge him to get him out of his comfort zone and give you opportunities to offer reassuring boosts. Give him three minutes to build the best lego castle he can. He'll undoubtedly get flustered not having the time to do everything the way that leaped into his head but when the timer goes off prove his own criticisms of himself wrong but making him feel like he just built the Taj Mahal. You can do the same with your crafts, give him three materials only (the less the better as he'll be overwhelmed as it is) and three minutes, give him free reign (maybe even away from the other kids if possible to reduce the stress level) and tell him to let his imagination run wild. Show him yourself if he struggles with not conceptualizing to the letter. Throw a bunch of junk together and then celebrate it! Sandbox would be a good place to try this too.Good luck! Kids like this just break my heart, probably because I was one once and I remember how it feels to put that much pressure on oneself....

Golly, aren't you just the sweetest thing!?!I understand what you are saying, but as a "recovering" perfectionist myself, I focus more on effort than results.* I don't care how the project turns out, but celebrate the fact that effort was put forth.* A perfectionist will never, ever be happy with results.* But if he can see that I am impressed with the fact he at least tried to do his best, maybe that will inspire him to keep trying.* That is what I am trying to do.I have known this child's family of origin for many, many years.* Their "script" is to determine self-worth by externals.* How they/their spouses/children look, what they own, where they work.* It has caused them a myriad of problems over the years. I know that I can't necessarily save him, but if I can at least introduce the thought that 'I am good enough because I am me,' then I have done my job.* KWIM?