What To Do About DCG Who Cries When I Leave The Room?

[Breezy]

My newest DCG is starting her 3rd week here and the transition is getting much better. She is 16 months. The only problem now Is she cries and then screams when I leave the room when she is in her high chair or when I step over the baby gate into my bedroom to use my ensuite bathroom. She can still hear me and see me as I wash my hands but the screaming lasts until I am back in the room.

I have been talking to her as I use the bathroom and saying its ok and I wiol be right back, ringing her songs, or even saying 'ok that's enough crying" nothing so far has worked.

I feel like I am walking around on egg shells every day with her. WWYD?

ETA: When I am walking away when she is in her highchair it is either while I am getting her food ready or when she has finished eating and has been washed up and I am just getting stuff ready for her to get down. I do not leave her alone while eating!

[Blackcat31]

That a really common thing with kids her age. Just keep doing your normal daily routine and try to talk to her while you are out of sight. She will get over it.

At her age, she is just learning to understand that things (you) don't actual disappear when she cannot see them and she will soon begin to understand that even when she cannot see you, that you are still there. Just give it time and before too long she will be fine when you walk out of the room. It is a stage that doesn't last too long and although it can be frustrating, she is developmentally on par.

She'll get it I promise. In the mean time just talk with her and let her know you are leaving before hand and keep reassuring her while you are gone (when possible) that you are still present (in the house)...she'll be fine. Don't hurry or try to make it better right away......she WILL adjust. I promise.

[Meyou]

I have 3 one year olds doing this to me right now and only one is new.

The best is when I'm making lunch and the three of them stand at the kitchen gate and scream at me because they can't come closer.

I'm just waiting them out and I try not to walk on eggshells or let it bother me although the rainy days are much harder than the sunny days.

[Breezy]

That a really common thing with kids her age. Just keep doing your normal daily routine and try to talk to her while you are out of sight. She will get over it.

At her age, she is just learning to understand that things (you) don't actual disappear when she cannot see them and she will soon begin to understand that even when she cannot see you, that you are still there. Just give it time and before too long she will be fine when you walk out of the room. It is a stage that doesn't last too long and although it can be frustrating, she is developmentally on par.

She'll get it I promise. In the mean time just talk with her and let her know you are leaving before hand and keep reassuring her while you are gone (when possible) that you are still present (in the house)...she'll be fine. Don't hurry or try to make it better right away......she WILL adjust. I promise.

Thanks!! That's what I needed to hear! I do try to hurry and do it as quick as possible so she won't cry because its Soooo heart breaking and sad!

[cheerfuldom]

yeah, just keep doing your thing. I dont even bother talking or singing when I am out of the room. I just do what I need to do and eventually, they get used to the coming and going. Seems like every kid goes thru this stage so the more attention you give her for the "bad" behavior, the more it will escalate. I ignore, just like a tantrum.

[Blackcat31]

yeah, just keep doing your thing. I dont even bother talking or singing when I am out of the room. I just do what I need to do and eventually, they get used to the coming and going. Seems like every kid goes thru this stage so the more attention you give her for the "bad" behavior, the more it will escalate. I ignore, just like a tantrum.

I think you are right about the kids getting used to it but I disagree that talking to them escalates the behavior. I think it is important to talk to then while you are out of sight so they can learn that being out of eye sight doesn't mean you magically disappeared and aren't coming back.

I don't think this kind of behavior is anything like a tantrum or other bad behavior, it is a stage they are going through that requires the adult to be reassuring and comforting to the child so they can learn you are still there.

If you ignore them or treat it like negative behaviors such as a tantrum you risk the posibilty of alienating them and escalating their insecurities and ability to attach or bond with the caregiver.

Children need that secure attachment and when they cry when you leave that is all a stage of developing that secure-ness. Ignoring them will make them even more unsure and scared. They need to know you are still there.

Talking to them while out of sight helps them learn it is ok for you to "disappear" as you are still coming back and are still there for them.

[cheerfuldom]

I think you are right about the kids getting used to it but I disagree that talking to them escalates the behavior. I think it is important to talk to then while you are out of sight so they can learn that being out of eye sight doesn't mean you magically disappeared and aren't coming back.

I don't think this kind of behavior is anything like a tantrum or other bad behavior, it is a stage they are going through that requires the adult to be reassuring and comforting to the child so they can learn you are still there.

If you ignore them or treat it like negative behaviors such as a tantrum you risk the posibilty of alienating them and escalating their insecurities and ability to attach or bond with the caregiver.

Children need that secure attachment and when they cry when you leave that is all a stage of developing that secure-ness. Ignoring them will make them even more unsure and scared. They need to know you are still there.

Talking to them while out of sight helps them learn it is ok for you to "disappear" as you are still coming back and are still there for them.

We will just agree to disagree. I find that prepping kids that you are going to leave the room, cues the crying in some cases. Also, with my house setup, its not always realistic to keep talking and reassuring.....like if everyone is downstairs and I have to run upstairs. A lot of times, in my opinion, the crying stage stops sooner when you are just coming and going with no special treatment about it. I do say "I'll be right back" but I dont go on and on, give hugs and huge displays before leaving. Isnt that what we tell parents NOT to do? I realize its not exactly the same thing because parents are leaving for hours and us just for a moment, but in general, I think they should be treated in the same way. I put bad in qoutes because I dont necessarily think this is bad behavior, but it certainly can escalate to a disruptive level for some kids. Sometimes talking and reassuring can be the ticket for some, I think others just need to get used to it. Once you (the OP) in this case have tried what they could, then maybe just ignoring the behavior would work. Some kids do this because it really is about the separation and security issue, other kids do it because they are flaming mad they are being left behind and want to make sure you know about that. I dont find my treatment of this to be at all alienating to the kids, at least not the ones I have taken care of. Maybe a super sensitive kid may need some extra attention in this area but I think the average kid can handle the coming and going without any big deal.

[Blackcat31]

We will just agree to disagree. We are probably more on the same page then we realize.

I find that prepping kids that you are going to leave the room, cues the crying in some cases. I don't think she should forewarn the child she is leaving...just talk to her when possible when out of sight to reassure her she is still "present".

Also, with my house setup, its not always realistic to keep talking and reassuring.....like if everyone is downstairs and I have to run upstairs.

A lot of times, in my opinion, the crying stage stops sooner when you are just coming and going with no special treatment about it.
I do say "I'll be right back" but I dont go on and on, give hugs and huge displays before leaving. Isnt that what we tell parents NOT to do?

Oh, I agree that we shouldn't be going on and on and hugging and all that stuff....just simple conversation and reassuring words during the physical absence helps ease their mind. I would NEVER do those things before leaving as that is simply building them up to cry or be upset (like what a parent does at drop off).

I realize its not exactly the same thing because parents are leaving for hours and us just for a moment, but in general, I think they should be treated in the same way. I put bad in qoutes because I dont necessarily think this is bad behavior, but it certainly can escalate to a disruptive level for some kids.

Sometimes talking and reassuring can be the ticket for some, I think others just need to get used to it.

I agree that "some" kids can have a hard time with this but I think, in general, most kids come in and out of this phase pretty much unscathed. I think it is a good thing to be reassuring first before deciding that ignoring is the best route. Ignoring the behavior is something I would do AFTER I tired to be supportive and reassuring without any positive results.

Once you (the OP) in this case have tried what they could, then maybe just ignoring the behavior would work. Some kids do this because it really is about the separation and security issue, other kids do it because they are flaming mad they are being left behind and want to make sure you know about that.

Like I said, I would do the support method before I would try anything else as I think most kids fall into the category of separation and security and only a small percentage fall into the category of being flaming mad and not wanting to be left behind.

I dont find my treatment of this to be at all alienating to the kids, at least not the ones I have taken care of. Maybe a super sensitive kid may need some extra attention in this area but I think the average kid can handle the coming and going without any big deal.

I answered in bold above.

I also think from what OP has said about this little gal, she is new to daycare and really needs to be able to build that secure attachment to her new caregiver. Being sensitive to her needs and fears before ignoring them is a better route to take IMPO. If that fails, then I would not be above simply not giving the behavior any attention.

[Heidi]

I also think you are handling it well..

Perhaps you could also consider playing some "disapearing" games like peek-a-boo (hiding yourself, and sometimes a stuffed animal). Fun ways to reinforce the idea that things that leave often come right back, or are still there.

I remember my son at that age once tried to climb into a toy coupe car (the kind for the dollhouse). He got sooo frustrated because he loved those coupe cars, but didn't understand relative size. Another dcg tried to climb into a picture of a swimming pool.

Their little brains ares till making all those connections....mine, on the other hand, has lost more than a few!::

[jojosmommy]

That a really common thing with kids her age. Just keep doing your normal daily routine and try to talk to her while you are out of sight. She will get over it.

At her age, she is just learning to understand that things (you) don't actual disappear when she cannot see them and she will soon begin to understand that even when she cannot see you, that you are still there. Just give it time and before too long she will be fine when you walk out of the room. It is a stage that doesn't last too long and although it can be frustrating, she is developmentally on par.

She'll get it I promise. In the mean time just talk with her and let her know you are leaving before hand and keep reassuring her while you are gone (when possible) that you are still present (in the house)...she'll be fine. Don't hurry or try to make it better right away......she WILL adjust. I promise.

agree!

[cheerfuldom]

I answered in bold above.

I also think from what OP has said about this little gal, she is new to daycare and really needs to be able to build that secure attachment to her new caregiver. Being sensitive to her needs and fears before ignoring them is a better route to take IMPO. If that fails, then I would not be above simply not giving the behavior any attention.

I think we are probably saying the same thing, just in a different way. I did already say to try reassuring first.....before moving on to ignoring the behavior, especially in the case of a new kid. But there is nothing wrong with moving on to ignoring if after repeated weeks of daycare with the same issue and same methods are not working.

[Breezy]

I started ignoring it today after saying "Be right back, I'm going to go potty" and it was hit or miss. She cried the second time (closer to her naptime) and the first time she ran off to play.

I ran the vacuum during breakfast and she cried and I said haven't ya ever seen a vacuum before? And then it occurred to me she probably hadn't since the majority of homes down here have all tile flooring. LOL! Oops!!